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Put an orbiter in their place?

RickPound

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Last weekend I finally got fed up with a male orbiter in my gf’s friend group for his lack of boundaries. He is known for making rude and sexual comments both in front and behind my back. Not just to my gf but all the girls in the group. They just play it off a he’s the dirty old man (he is a single older dude that hangs out with younger people). Also for thinking he needs to know everything about our relationship because he “cares about his friends”. I finally told him to back off after she showed me a few of his comments about her and I in a text to her.

My gf says “why can’t we all just get along” but explicitly expressed that if I really don’t like him then she’ll always be on my side. But this week, he called her to talk about it and she failed to tell me, then made dinner plans with her girlfriend where she knew he was tagging along.

Is this a case where she needs to know it’s kind of disrespectful to me, and if so, how do I get the point across to her and still hold frame?

Or do I ignore the fact that she doesn’t seem to understand she’s not really supporting me by still interacting with him right after we almost got into it? Plus, she wants me to go with the group (him included) to a Halloween party.
 

Dr.Suave

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Is it possible to wing for him and get him a gf of his own? Or is he a lost cause?
 

BackInTheGame78

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She doesn't respect you, but worse for you is that you act in a way that doesn't cause her to WANT to respect you.

This seems to be the same theme in all of your threads going back to the chick who was with her boyfriend (I assume this is a different woman).

THAT is what you need to figure out. Why does this keep happening and what is your role in it?
 
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Kotaix

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Last weekend I finally got fed up with a male orbiter in my gf’s friend group for his lack of boundaries. He is known for making rude and sexual comments both in front and behind my back. Not just to my gf but all the girls in the group. They just play it off a he’s the dirty old man (he is a single older dude that hangs out with younger people). Also for thinking he needs to know everything about our relationship because he “cares about his friends”. I finally told him to back off after she showed me a few of his comments about her and I in a text to her.

My gf says “why can’t we all just get along” but explicitly expressed that if I really don’t like him then she’ll always be on my side. But this week, he called her to talk about it and she failed to tell me, then made dinner plans with her girlfriend where she knew he was tagging along.

Is this a case where she needs to know it’s kind of disrespectful to me, and if so, how do I get the point across to her and still hold frame?

Or do I ignore the fact that she doesn’t seem to understand she’s not really supporting me by still interacting with him right after we almost got into it? Plus, she wants me to go with the group (him included) to a Halloween party.
What exactly is his appeal to them that they keep hanging around with him?

It's not a good look to be jealous over a guy who acts like a pig, expressing it to her is just going to turn her off.

If push comes to shove, you should confront him directly and not triangulate with your gf. But I'd leave it alone unless you see him actually hitting on her, because you know he's going to squeal if you do.

But that said, I ended up breaking up with my ex after she started hanging out with a bunch of unemployed losers.
 

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Gamisch

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What exactly is his appeal to them that they keep hanging around with him?

It's not a good look to be jealous over a guy who acts like a pig, expressing it to her is just going to turn her off.

If push comes to shove, you should confront him directly and not triangulate with your gf. But I'd leave it alone unless you see him actually hitting on her, because you know he's going to squeal if you do.

But that said, I ended up breaking up with my ex after she started hanging out with a bunch of unemployed losers.
Snyiyt ..(she's not yours.. )

Damn, why didn't I knew sosuave existed when I went through all those needless headaches with the women I lived with .

Would save me so much unnecessary pain..
 

Gamisch

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Last weekend I finally got fed up with a male orbiter in my gf’s friend group for his lack of boundaries. He is known for making rude and sexual comments both in front and behind my back. Not just to my gf but all the girls in the group. They just play it off a he’s the dirty old man (he is a single older dude that hangs out with younger people). Also for thinking he needs to know everything about our relationship because he “cares about his friends”. I finally told him to back off after she showed me a few of his comments about her and I in a text to her.

My gf says “why can’t we all just get along” but explicitly expressed that if I really don’t like him then she’ll always be on my side. But this week, he called her to talk about it and she failed to tell me, then made dinner plans with her girlfriend where she knew he was tagging along.

Is this a case where she needs to know it’s kind of disrespectful to me, and if so, how do I get the point across to her and still hold frame?

Or do I ignore the fact that she doesn’t seem to understand she’s not really supporting me by still interacting with him right after we almost got into it? Plus, she wants me to go with the group (him included) to a Halloween party.
Imo trying to control a woman always backfires.

Firstly I would avoid her friends and colleagues anyway. Keep these things separated. Tell her to have fun and you got other plans , preferably with your dude friends.

Secondly, what do you worry about? That dude will fck her? If she likes him, your anger will only speed up that process. Seriously tho. You dont wanna pull a Willy (Smith jada ) and embarrass yourself. Even if the woman gives you reason to . You'll never be able to control another living creature.
What exactly is his appeal to them that they keep hanging around with him?

It's not a good look to be jealous over a guy who acts like a pig, expressing it to her is just going to turn her off.

If push comes to shove, you should confront him directly and not triangulate with your gf. But I'd leave it alone unless you see him actually hitting on her, because you know he's going to squeal if you do.

But that said, I ended up breaking up with my ex after she started hanging out with a bunch of unemployed losers.
Snyiyt ..(she's not yours.. )

Damn, why didn't I knew sosuave existed when I went through all those needless headaches with the women I lived with .

Would save me so much unnecessary pain..
 

Robert28

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You’re asking the wrong questions here. You need to find out WHY they’re willingly allowing an older dude to orbit them even despite the fact that he makes such comments. Does he pay for them all when they go out? Does he lend them money? Does he do favors? That’s what you need to be finding out. There’s a specific role he’s playing that they aren’t telling you about.
 

Giovanni SouthSide

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I was never the type of dude to have a girlfriend with guy friends in her active social circle and now it's even a more strict policy. As soon as a chick insinuates guy friends on our first meetings, I'm already making moves in my head and she will be treated accordingly.
I'm protecting my peace of mind above all.

That older dude in her orbit has to go.

The issue here is that your girl doesn't have a shred of respect for you because if she did she would tell homeboy to keep my man's name out your mouth and fvck off. I had a latina mexican girlfriend once back in my early 20s actually trade blows with a dude who tried to throw shade at my name when I was away for a minute.

I am not invoking violence here by any means but In your case she hasn't even stood up for you in a aggressive civil manner and she won't.

That's a breach of the girlfriend code my boy.

I can't be with a female who won't put respect on my name when my back is turned or even when it's not turned. She will be there talking sh!t to dude while your there too. That's a ride or die.

Now if this older dude actually said something in front of you then man you gotta pull him to the side and check his temperature, give that fool an ultimatum that if he keeps sticking his beak in then there will be problems. He tries to make a stupid clown remark or disrespects you again then give him the business on sight. Thats it. Maybe your girl will toe the line and respect you more for washing homeboy up. But that's not the most healthiest option here.

Fvck that halloween party and if she goes without you then that's all you need to know to put her on disregard status

Remember you don't got to tell your girl what to do, she naturally as your girlfriend who respects you has to also protect your reputation and she is lacking right now.
 
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Bigpapa

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Or do I ignore the fact that she doesn’t seem to understand she’s not really supporting me by still interacting with him right after we almost got into it? Plus, she wants me to go with the group (him included) to a Halloween party.
If she knows that you do not enjoy her friends company for whatever reason , but you still continue to “enjoy” their company … you are supplicating

if you are supplicating it means that she has all the power in the relationship

if I were you I would just tell her that maybe it is better that both of you should also have their private life besides the relationship one , thus you go with your friends she with hers

And then just leave her in a fwb position till she does enough leg work to let her in the LTR spot
 

logicallefty

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Almost all women have orbiters. The common denominator between you and the orbiter is her. The issue isn’t him doing his orbiter thing, it’s how she handles it. Does she welcome his attention or does she appear annoyed by it? Ask her if he is a bother to her and if she would like your help taking care of it. If she respects you enough she will take care of it herself. If she says no or gives you any grief over asking then withdraw your attention and let her do her thing. At that point If she gives more attention to the orbit then you then time to cut her loose.
 

EyeOnThePrize

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Last weekend I finally got fed up with a male orbiter in my gf’s friend group for his lack of boundaries. He is known for making rude and sexual comments both in front and behind my back. Not just to my gf but all the girls in the group. They just play it off a he’s the dirty old man (he is a single older dude that hangs out with younger people). Also for thinking he needs to know everything about our relationship because he “cares about his friends”. I finally told him to back off after she showed me a few of his comments about her and I in a text to her.

My gf says “why can’t we all just get along” but explicitly expressed that if I really don’t like him then she’ll always be on my side. But this week, he called her to talk about it and she failed to tell me, then made dinner plans with her girlfriend where she knew he was tagging along.

Is this a case where she needs to know it’s kind of disrespectful to me, and if so, how do I get the point across to her and still hold frame?

Or do I ignore the fact that she doesn’t seem to understand she’s not really supporting me by still interacting with him right after we almost got into it? Plus, she wants me to go with the group (him included) to a Halloween party.
By being annoyed with him and taking his behavior seriously you're giving him way more power than he deserves and making yourself look like a dude without options. 'By acknowledging a petty problem you give it existence and credibility... The less interest you reveal, the more superior you seem.'

Don't bother spending two seconds thinking about the guy stealing a girl. Focus on his strengths in the group and allow him to be himself. Give him the space to make mistakes.

In your mind DARE your woman to try something, DARE her not to be your hype woman with and without you present. If she ever hints at liking another guy then encourage her to go after what she wants. Give her enough rope and see if she hangs herself.

Even if she leaves, you should be happy to see her go. After all you want her to be happy, even if that means being with someone else. This is the healthiest mindset to be in and ironically is what attracts women the most because it signals you have plenty of options and are unapologetic and bold. Hard to find, easy to keep. This is the abundance mindset.

'Be royal in your own fashion: Act like a king to be treated like one... For a king respects himself and inspires the same sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.'

'Never seem to be in a hurry, hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself and your time. Always seem patient, as if you know that everything will come to you eventually.'
 
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Atom Smasher

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I had a similar issue. GF was getting hit on by her boss. She would complain but not do anything forceful. I told her if she couldn’t stand up to him I couldn’t possibly deny all the other women who wanted my attention.

She took care of it.
Excellent. This is the solution that will work.
 

BeExcellent

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Advice from the old lady:

Orbiters are not cool. Now. I am a woman with male friends. Always have been. But it is well known that my boundaries are airtight regarding male friends. Several have serious GFs. We do things as couples together and the GFs like me & do not feel threatened by me because I honor their relationship together.

I expect male friends to honor my man’s status as My Man and if they want to keep the friendship they know he’s my dude and I respect him first and foremost above all others. I had one guy get a bit mouthy with me not too long after I started seeing my fiancé. He said some disrespectful things. He never got the chance to say anything else. Why? I explained to him he was WAY out of line & I blocked him & unfriended him on everything (after telling him this is what I would do.). I do not allow disrespect.

But like @EyeOnThePrize said above, you can’t control anyone else. I give plenty of rope & observe. I cut off people who would disrespect my man immediately. And I tell them so. I have earned a reputation as a someone with character among my social circles because people know I respect my man & he comes first.

As an aside I also agree with EyeOnThePrize that real abundance is never clinging to someone. Someone expressed dissatisfaction in a relationship with me? Go. Date someone else. Give them the “Happy clause”, you know, I want to see you happy but you don’t seem happy here…you are free to go.

You only want people who want you. Not every couple is compatible and you find that out by dating.

I never have given the Happy clause as a manipulation. I KNOW I have abundant options. The men I date know I have options too.

This is the abundance mindset at work.
 

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member160761

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Last weekend I finally got fed up with a male orbiter in my gf’s friend group for his lack of boundaries. He is known for making rude and sexual comments both in front and behind my back. Not just to my gf but all the girls in the group. They just play it off a he’s the dirty old man (he is a single older dude that hangs out with younger people). Also for thinking he needs to know everything about our relationship because he “cares about his friends”. I finally told him to back off after she showed me a few of his comments about her and I in a text to her.

My gf says “why can’t we all just get along” but explicitly expressed that if I really don’t like him then she’ll always be on my side. But this week, he called her to talk about it and she failed to tell me, then made dinner plans with her girlfriend where she knew he was tagging along.

Is this a case where she needs to know it’s kind of disrespectful to me, and if so, how do I get the point across to her and still hold frame?

Or do I ignore the fact that she doesn’t seem to understand she’s not really supporting me by still interacting with him right after we almost got into it? Plus, she wants me to go with the group (him included) to a Halloween party.
By Allah, women must not have "male friends", whatever the **** that is, let alone some old loser. Punch his mouth, tell him to **** off. It is that simple. Why are you such a pu$$y about this?
 
M

member160761

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Jesus Don relax dude…no chick is worth an assault charge.
It is just a punch in the face. Some weak and old beta orbiter needs a reality check. He comes here to whine and pretends he does not know what to do. Cannot even voice his opinions to his concubine.
 

logicallefty

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By Allah, women must not have "male friends", whatever the **** that is, let alone some old loser. Punch his mouth, tell him to **** off. It is that simple. Why are you such a pu$$y about this?
It’s that thing called jail that keeps us from doing this. Not worth it.
 

Gamisch

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It’s that thing called jail that keeps us from doing this. Not worth it.
And jail is full of fools.

To change this mindset,it literally takes an complete update of "hardware". Your whole view on life and love must change. What women are why they do what they do ect.

A woman plays a big role in how you view the LTR and the specific rules you guys set ect . But even then, she might change it up one day.

I'll repeat. It takes a fool to think he can control a woman.
By Allah, women must not have "male friends", whatever the **** that is, let alone some old loser. Punch his mouth, tell him to **** off. It is that simple. Why are you such a pu$$y about this?
You are Muslim? Honour and controlling women is ingrained in muslim cultures. This only works when the whole society agrees. Specific laws ect. In the westernized world this mindset will clash.

A dude here went with th local 304. She cheated on him. Next thing you know ,he meets with the guy who did it to "talk" pulls a gun and shoots him. Over a 304 ...
 
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