psychologists tell me i wont have a happy relationship?

[Mr. Delicious]

Well a few years ago i had been seeing a couple of psychologists because of anxiety problems caused by my mom who was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I saw them both independently and neither of them knew each other at all. But they both told me "Your lucky that your a normal human being without any mental problems, but until you work out the issues with your mom you will never be able to have a long term satisfying relationship with a female"

Its irritating because neither of them would tell me why. They would both just be real vague. They wouldnt tell me what it is about me that would sabotage a relationship. but whats weird is so far they are right. I am 24 and i have never had a long term relationship. I want one too. Someday i want to get married. I have dated tons of girls and had some random hookups and whatever but I have never had a relationship last more than 2 months. I have dumped girls, and I have been dumped.

I think both of those psychologists got me thinking in a bad way because now i am like well if the professionals said it never will work i guess it wont and i dont know how to change it. I cant work out the mom issues either because i havent talked to her in a long time and i dont plan to.

Anyone have a similar experience or any psychologists on this board? I need a better perspective of why they would tell me these things. I probably realistically need a third professional opinion but I want to hear some ideas.

 

[DJ4Life]

it's your life, do whatever you want with it

the only limit that binds the human bodies from reaching infinite possibilities are the laws of physics and the limitiation you place in your own mind believing what you cannot achieve

if i am you, i won't take in a word of their bs, and prove them wrong by hooking up with a HB9, number close her, bang her, keep her for 6 months, then come back to them make out with the HB in their clinic, then hand them the condom with semen in it, tell them to analyse it to prove it that you banged this chick 6 months ago and you are still together

 

[Bvbidd]

lol wtf is the reasoning behind it?

I'm not saying psychology is all bs as most of it is spot on.. but what is the scientific reason behind never being able to stay with a girl if your not the one with the problem in the first place? It's your mom's problem not you.

 

[Gubby]

Psychologists talk about disorders and diseases like they're something that just happens to you.. but they're not (just). You can change yourself, if you're flexible and work out what's wrong with you. Don't believe what they said, because believing it is what is gonna make it true. You haven't said what goes so terribly wrong in your relationships anyway. Do you argue? Get bored of them? Get really insecure?

 

[Bvbidd]

If you were the one with the disorder in the first place then It may make a little sense, but they are saying just because your mom had one personanilty disorder that your doomed with girls? WTF

 

[Big Pappy]

"I cant work out the mom issues either because i havent talked to her in a long time and i dont plan to."

What you are really saying is that this is too difficult/uncomfortable for you to deal with ... at this present time.

You don't plan to - well, then you've already made your choice. A couple of psychologists tell you that you've got issues with your mother. If you believe them, then you need to deal with those issues - head on. What's to be afraid of? You think your mother will stop loving you if you tell her that she did a lousy job? Of course not. One thing you will realize sooner or later, is that our parents can't give us what they don't have. You say your mother has a disorder. It's tough, and it's too bad, but those are the cards you've been dealt. Until you have a discussion or two with your mother about it, whatever issues you have will come to the forefront not just with other women, but with everyone in your life. Maybe you can't trust her, maybe she told your graduating class that you wet the bed until you were 11. Assuming you're over 18, you're an adult. It's time to take responsibility for your own actions and feelings - you are in control of how you feel. You want to be sad, be sad - but don't fuss at people "hey, cheer me up, I'm sad!".

Learn to look in the mirror and see the value that you bring to the table. Forgive yourself for not being a better person and then try to become better.

Buy an old boat and restore it to like new and that will give you a world of perspective.

You want a long term relationship with a woman, and you want it to succeed, you'll have to overcome this emotional discomfort.

 

[Shiftkey]

Why is it so hard to patch things up with your mom?

Maybe it's that stuborness that prevents you from keeping a relationship.

 

[Mr. Delicious]

No I just stopped talking to her a few months ago. I have confronted her a million times about her problem but then she just throws it right back in my face blaming everyone for why she is that way. She pushes away anyone who tries to care for her by either physical or mental attacks then complains that she has no one.

Anyway, I could type a hundred pages about my mom and her BPD but what i am trying to say is I tried my best to deal with those issues and confront her about everything but nothing changed and she just gets worse as she gets older. I couldnt take it anymore and just stopped talking to her.

I am not depressed either to whoever thought i was. I am just trying to figure out this problem and why its stunting my ability to have a lasting relationship with females.

 

[squirrels]

Well a few years ago i had been seeing a couple of psychologists because of anxiety problems caused by my mom who was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I saw them both independently and neither of them knew each other at all. But they both told me "Your lucky that your a normal human being without any mental problems, but until you work out the issues with your mom you will never be able to have a long term satisfying relationship with a female"

So work them out. Problem solved.

Its irritating because neither of them would tell me why. They would both just be real vague. They wouldnt tell me what it is about me that would sabotage a relationship.

Because they don't know EXACTLY what will happen.

I think both of those psychologists got me thinking in a bad way because now i am like well if the professionals said it never will work i guess it wont and i dont know how to change it.

You aren't listening...they said "until you work out the issues". So work them out.

I cant work out the mom issues either because i havent talked to her in a long time and i dont plan to.

They're YOUR issues. You don't NEED her to work them out. You just need to start growing some faith in YOURSELF.

Anyone have a similar experience or any psychologists on this board? I need a better perspective of why they would tell me these things. I probably realistically need a third professional opinion but I want to hear some ideas.

I don't think most people would BE on this board if they hadn't had similar experiences with women. I've never had a steady relationship with a woman because I have, in the past, had severe trust issues and subconsciously harbored very negative feelings about myself based on past experiences, which I projected onto other people.

You don't need a professional opinion. You need to start growing up and taking some responsibility for your own mind instead of paying other people to look after it for you.

Not every girl is gonna click with you. Some will, some won't. But when you're ready for a relationship, it will come. So make yourself ready...get your head in alignment with what it takes to sustain a relationship, the first thing being faith in yourself. The Oracle told Neo he wasn't "the One". What did HE believe?

What do YOU believe?

 

[Gubby]

Keep away from psychological theories. They can be useful, but they may just fuc'k you up MORE. Juuust, work out your problem. Forget about them saying that you "can't have relationships with females". As aficionado of psychology, I'd say that that is a limiting generalisation. Hah.

You may actually have problems with relationships with women, but you won't solve that by "finding out what your problem is", you solve it by solving it. Most psychologists know a lot less than they let on. (Ask what they think of Freud, and if they respond positively, you know instantly they are full of sh¡t. Freud's theories were all pulled out of his rectum).

 

[Soapz]

Hey, I'm a psychology student. I have a hunch about whats happening.

The two psychologists are "Psychodynamic" psychologists- psychoanalysts. Basically, they follow Freud's theories.

For those who don't know about Freud...he believes that we all wanna have sex with our moms (no kidding). And basically, our relationship with our opposite sex parent forms a "blueprint" for all our future relationships with the opposite sex. Add in a few bits and pieces about the unconscious mind and repression, and you've got Freud in a nutshell.

The theory goes that as long as you still have ill feelings towards your mom, those emotions will be "repressed" into your subconscious. So when you have a long term relationship, you will express these "repressed" feelings onto your partner, thereby screwing up the relationship.

But yeah, basically, I wouldn't put much weight on the two psychologist's words. Psychoanalists are taken as seriously in Scientific psychology communities as...erm...you know what I mean. Not very seriously

You're 24 and you've never had a Long term relationship. I would've thought that would put you in the majority?

Anyways, good luck with whatever you do. I'm not sure if a third psychologist will help...really depends on the psychologist.

 

[amadoodisforrealz]

yo mama?

 

[The Truth]

Psychologists talk about disorders and diseases like they're something that just happens to you.. but they're not (just). You can change yourself, if you're flexible and work out what's wrong with you. Don't believe what they said, because believing it is what is gonna make it true. You haven't said what goes so terribly wrong in your relationships anyway. Do you argue? Get bored of them? Get really insecure?

Absolutely spot on!

In my teens I was "diagnosed" as hyperactive and told I had asperger syndrome. Basically I was just a bored and badly behaved kid who found excitement in drama and sought attention. I changed. I don;t have asperger's syndrome and I'm certainly not hyperactive any more.

We talk about keyboard jockeys on here, well psychologists are textbook jockeys. I've studied psychology and it's all about putting labels on symptoms and trying to lump people into categories.

The worst part is that these labels damage people. They give up trying and blame all their failures on this new label.

 

[Jeremy the Wicked]

I happen to have had a lot of contact with psychologists (my mother and my aunt are psychologists ...) and with people having psychological problems (I worked for an organization helping people with different problems).

I agree that Freud's theory is BS (relating to previous replies). But it's also true, that our parents have a big influence over the way we look at the respective sex.

E.g. my mother has suffered from depression and criticized everything around. The result was that any critique from a woman literally paralized me. It hasn't changed before I did 2 things: accepted that my mum was that way and THAT SHE WOULDN'T PROBABLY EVER CHANGE (well, she did, but that's a different story) and RECOGNIZE THAT IT AFFECTED ME. After that when I felt this feeling of anxiety when a woman criticized me I just thought: 'OK, Jeremy, you feel like that but it isn't real. It's a wound caused by your mother that this girl hit. It's not you.' And my anxiety grew less and less.

I suppose you must have such a 'wound' yourself. Try to love your mother although she caused the wound and she will never even see that. And, more importantly, try to identify what exactly did she do that affects the way you see women: it might be that you can't believe that they genuinely love you, or that they're true to you or whatever. You will know if you will have the courage to think about it. And then know IT'S NOT YOU AND NOT THE GIRL. It's a wound caused by your mother.

Hope this helps.

 

[[S]alvatore]

Maybe you should tell them to fvck off.