Propensity towards AFCism

[Serg897]

Hey all,

I've been having some thoughts lately I want to discuss.

A few months ago I went through a very painful experience breaking up with a girlfriend. I had become attached, and when we got into a fight and she said she wanted to separate, I did every single thing wrong you could possibly do. I called. I sent emails. I told her I would change, asking for another chance.

Needless to say, this drove her away from me at the speed of light, and straight into the arms of another man a few weeks later, who undoubtedly was warming up in the bullpen as all this **** was going down.

This led to WEEKS of heartache and borderline depression, but also a lot of soul searching. I even picked up meditation to try to control my emotional state and deal with this constructively. I ask myself: why didn't I know better? I've been a member of this forum for YEARS. The answer seems to be that these actions made sense to me at the time. In the moment. I didnt have the forsight or the wisdom.

This isn't even the first time I have done something like this! There was an enormous thread last year started by me about another girl who I was seeing, with a very similar outcome. To be fair to myself, she was a first in a lot of things, and a completely new/different experience - but the essence of the story is typical, and I feel like I should have known better. Part of me DID know better, but in the moment it is very difficult to ignore your emotions.

I've come to the conclusion that I seem to be wired to be an AFC, and that to stop myself I have to actively control my emotional state and do things that seem counterintuitive. I come to this forum for help all the time, despite how long I've been here. You would think that natural selection would have wiped out men like me from the earth a long time ago, but here I am.

How many of you have had a similar experience? Does DJism come naturally to some of you? Or does the road to the DJ mindset always involve multiple heartbreaks?

 

[slaog]

AFCness is the way we've been programmed. It can be changed by reading and understanding what it really is.


You know yourself what the problem is. You let your emotions take control and the AFC was unleashed again. Next time when a relationship gets heated take a step back and let things cool down before responding.

 

[kingsam]

it will be different for every one, for which ther will be many diffrent reasons (confidence, looks, personality, social circle, location, age...etc....)

- some people will get it instantly, while others like you will take much longer (as long as your doing it "right" )
- the important thing is to not give up, take it in small steps, dont take knockbacks (rejection) personally....

Can anyone add to this?

 

[catman]

With age comes wisdom and the more realionships you have the more you learn(both what you did right and what you did wrong) If and when the next woman tells you she wants a seperation or her space thats your cue to break your rusty cage and RUN.Dont let woman see you sweat dont let them play games with your emotions ever because once they see it your all done!!! Alot of my dj skills came naturally from my father but alot has came from reading these posts expecially what the older master djs have posted.Life is a learning experience and im still learning and so are you

 

[B. Fierce]

I ask myself: why didn't I know better? I've been a member of this forum for YEARS.

It seems like you put too much pressure on yourself. Don't take yourself so seriously. Approach things with a "I am learning" attitude. You'll be encouraged to learn instead of beating yourself up for making mistakes.

I've come to the conclusion that I seem to be wired to be an AFC

Bull:cuss: ...Stop accepting defeat!!!

Serg, you have made progress. You acknowledged your undesirable

behavior and now you seem to be actively looking for ways to change it.

Get out of the "I default to AFC behavior" mindset and find out why you keep

repeating the same mistakes.


One thing you could do is ask yourself what do you gain from these "AFC"

behaviors and then you can list how they interfere with your main goal (s)

(This should help you to overcome those pesky AFC behaviors).

This is something that you have to figure out for yourself. If you put in the

effort, you'll find the problem and handle it.

As a result you will be free to make changes because your AFC behavior will

no longer be in the way.


Good Luck

 

[starplayer]

I recently posted a thread about this in the tips forum. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=172321

The basis of it is, most men will revert to AFC behavior and get attached in a relationship. The reason is because they have a lack of options.

Despite all the advice on inner game, I completely and totally believe that you need to have options and back-up plans to keep the AFC in you suppressed.

At the root of most AFC and nice guy behavior is a FEAR of loosing the girl because you know she's not easily replaceable. It's desperation basically.

If you don't have other options then it's hard not to let your emotions take over and rationalize her bad behavior.

Spin other plates! GFTOW!

 

[Serg897]

Thanks for the responses.

I definately agree with Starplayer - as I have thought about this and contemplated it more and more I've realized that AFC behavior stems simply from a fear of loss.

When you've got a girl, and you're having constant sex and affection (like I was) - its SO easy to become attached to it. You know that its not easily replaceable, and so you become "addicted" to it...just like a drug. Its a special ****tail of neurotransmitters that activate pleasure centers in the brain, and its tough letting go. She wasn't even the perfect girlfriend either, she had some personality flaws that surfaced, and even made me have thoughts about breaking up - but of course I could never do it. I was addicted!

The problem is, having other options and back up plans is not always realistic, especially when you are in a relationship that is supposed to be exclusive. Im not the cheating type, so Im not going to go out of my way to pursue other opportunities Im probably not going to follow up on.

No, I believe the solution here is in fact strong inner game and eliminating this attachment. One must be content being alone, and when one is with a woman learn to become aware of your emotions and attachment and take appropriate steps to minimize it. I was aware - I just didn't take the steps.

It still sucks. I still get waves of regret and pain when I think about it. Its really easy to be hard on myself and look back at my obvious mistakes - but what is done is done. I think about how what I did made sense at the time, the twisted logic to rationalize it, and I realize I was going to make these mistakes sooner or later. This was my first real committed relationship since freshman year of college - it was new, it had a new context, the situation was different than any other. At least Im learning. There is nothing I can do now except move on.

I've found some Buddhist philosophy to be helpful on this. They often talk about the elimination of what they call "mental defilements" which cause suffering - things relevant to this like desire, lust, attachment. Obviously Im not going to renounce all my possessions and become a monk, but I think there is something to be learned here. No attachment, no AFC.

 

[starplayer]

I'm not encouraging you to cheat necessarily. First ask yourself do you want a relationship or do you want to play the field?

If you say an exclusive relationship, ask yourself why is that? Because you think it's easier to keep 1 girl than get many?

Women think of guys who are easy to get into a committed relationship, in the same way we think of women who are easy to get into bed - SLVTS. EASY. LOW VALUE.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship but you're 22 right? Make sure when you get into a relationship with a girl it's because you've chosen her from many options, not because she's your ONLY option.

Go into a relationship from a place of strength, not desperation and you will never have to worry about becoming an AFC.

Spend time getting good with women in general. You're still young.

If you DO get into a relationship of course you don't have to cheat. But flirt with other girls. Have other girls that want you but they can't have you because you're taken. Treat your girl right but know that if she doesn't want you anymore, well there's plenty of other girls who'll be happy to have you.

 

[Serg897]

Good advice, Starplayer. Thanks!

 

[Serg897]

Im reviving this thread because something interesting is happening.

This is funny. I haven't contacted her in months, tried my absolute hardest to get her out of my mind and spin more plates. I've been going on dates with other girls and generally things have been good.

I do see her from time to time when I go out dancing, since we sometimes to go the same places to dance salsa or ballroom. Every single time I've been looking my best and Ive had friendly but short interactions with her.

What happens today? I receive a text from her.

"Hey . You in town tonight?"

Yes, but I've got another date planned tonight. So Im going to reject this one way or another. But Im trying to decide wether or not I should even respond.

I've never had an ex go fishing for attention like this. Its definitely a good thing

 

[Tiguere]

Reply with a simple yes. And and let the next text text It on your inbox.