Post-Breakup Fog is Clearing. Need Perspective.

[marmel75]

Thanks dude. Immediately post breakup I was way more rational, and even agreed with her decision frankly. Truth be told, I wanted out (maybe not right then, but eventually), but didn't want to hurt her.

Then the inevitable mix of oneitis, scarcity mentality, post-breakup beta mentality, "Is she happy without me" and "Is there another guy" jealousy reared its ugly head, and I just got stupid.

I just wanted to make sure I haven't totally made an ass of myself, y'know?

You didn't hurt her. While you are sitting wallowing about the situation, she is out banging other dudes. I suggest you go do the same with some other females.

Stop worrying about her. It's over. Move on. Don't contact her again.

 

[BeTheChange]

Thanks dude. Immediately post breakup I was way more rational, and even agreed with her decision frankly. Truth be told, I wanted out (maybe not right then, but eventually), but didn't want to hurt her.

Then the inevitable mix of oneitis, scarcity mentality, post-breakup beta mentality, "Is she happy without me" and "Is there another guy" jealousy reared its ugly head, and I just got stupid.

I just wanted to make sure I haven't totally made an ass of myself, y'know?

In the grander scheme of things you haven't done too badly. You shouldn't have bothered with the " playful banter". Women can see straight through it. Nor should you have broken NC after such a long period (35 days) because it communicates to her that after over a month you are still not over her and willing to take her back with no effort on her part. That's a huge security boost for her and not one you needed to give her. But none of us are perfect so don't beat yourself up about it. I phoned my ex about 15 times the day after we had broken up. I had kicked her out of the apartment so tried to be apologetic. I asked her to come over and she just gave me this massive barrage of unjustified insults. Something in my head just switched and I just said "Look I don't need to take being spoken to like this. As a man I know what's right and it's not this. Goodbye" Haven't heard from her in almost a month. Now I should have cut off all contact from the onset. Got to accept she is probably seeing another guy but such is life. Learn to love without the idea of possession and it will free your mind. Her loss.

Based on the timeline of events you guys have been broken up for at least 2 months and she's tried nothing to get back with you. It's very likely she is seeing someone else. Accept this and move on. She is 20 years old. Your rational mind KNOWS these women are a dime a dozen. Allow that knowledge to generate an abundance mentality.

Whether you want her back or not there is really nothing you can do. NC is the only way.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Let's not dwell on everything that's gone wrong in this story. To be fair to the girl, she seems to be doing the right thing, or as best she can. You MUST leave her alone now, unless she initiates and suggests meeting.

-She may well come back (one day), but only if you let her and do not pursue her AT ALL. That's not likely to be soon though.

-By the time she does comes back (IF she comes back), you will very likely have moved on and not feel the same way anyway.

-The only things to do are focus on yourself and make an effort to meet other women. You may have to go through this a few times until you learn how these things really work, but it does get easier each time. You might not think it now, but if you adopt a positive mindset, you will start meeting even better women in no time.

**Footnote: Please, in future, DO NOT try to marry up a girl unless she is AT LEAST 25 years old. Think about it, you'll be 42 and she'll be 27 - you'll actually have struck a much better deal than you would have with this 20yr old. In the mean time, live, learn and have fun. I would argue that you are far too young for marriage yourself.**

 

[Tony197]

You're right. She's made this as clean as possible, so kudos to her. I know this isn't what you guys want to hear, but she did care enough not to rub my nose in it. That indicates some level of affection, though attraction is lost. As Paul McCartney once sang "I said something wrong, and now she's gone."

But this isn't just bro-speak -- she objectively took a step down. Maybe that's why she's mostly avoiding old friends. Nobody above the age of 21 is going to look at this and say she made the right decision. Whether there's another guy, or she just left me for a "20-year old lifestyle", or some combination of things, doesn't matter. I was the best thing that's ever happened to her. She wanted something else. Her loss. Without diving into details, she's suffered enough in her life, so if she wants to have this Pyrrhic victory, f**k it, let her have it. I need to quit feeling sorry for her and for myself. I had her at her best. Nobody can that away from me. But that girl is gone and I don't even want the new one.

 

[marmel75]

You're right. She's made this as clean as possible, so kudos to her. I know this isn't what you guys want to hear, but she did care enough not to rub my nose in it. That indicates some level of affection, though attraction is lost. As Paul McCartney once sang "I said something wrong, and now she's gone."

But this isn't just bro-speak -- she objectively took a step down. Maybe that's why she's mostly avoiding old friends. Nobody above the age of 21 is going to look at this and say she made the right decision. Whether there's another guy, or she just left me for a "20-year old lifestyle", or some combination of things, doesn't matter. I was the best thing that's ever happened to her. She wanted something else. Her loss. Without diving into details, she's suffered enough in her life, so if she wants to have this Pyrrhic victory, f**k it, let her have it. I need to quit feeling sorry for her and for myself. I had her at her best. Nobody can that away from me. But that girl is gone and I don't even want the new one.

To be perfectly honest, it sounds as she was never really that into you to begin with. She was with you until something better came along. Just my observations from the outside.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

Move on. She wants excitement, you want commitment. She isnt ready for that.
You talked about marriage, she decided to fvck someone else. Thats a big clue she is not the one.