Possible Divorce, Too late to change?

Calihopeful

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You have seen through her game and she knows it. It doesn't give you the edge you think. It would if she needed to hold your frame and she is still holding it only because of the child and money issue. But she won't do it forever and this is what you and every guy that didn't have LTR with BPD in the final stage before don't understand:

Once the game is rigged against BPD women (due to her mistakes and her true persona being visible to her partner) she will NEVER accept male victory because for her the sheer fact that you are fighting and you are threating her is the sign that you're not her submissive and ultimately castrated prince on the white hourse anymore and it triggers her emergency mode, gathering resources behind your back and preparing for war and/or leaving you. Because she will never allow you to maintain upper hand. It's revolting idea for her really.

She will leave you when the opportunity will arise and your advantage will end if you won't procede with the divorce - first other guy in her radar, beta male that will accept her for what she will present him to be, will give her ability to monkey-branch from you. BPD women don't hold any emotions other than contepmt for men that don't treat them 'good' in their understanding of that word.
That is something I hadn't considered. After reading Rollo's books and other resources, I felt I had it at least somewhat figured out. I was able to diffuse arguments I was never able to in the past and felt I finally had the upper hand. But you're right. It's may be a false sense of confidence that will hurt me in the end.

I'm fairly certain she has been hiding money (so have I). She get's aggressive and is still 'prepping' for the divorce.

She has plenty of "orbiters" ready to move her in and marry her at the drop of the hat. But she tells me it's a turn off for them to be so forward. Which is understandable. We will see what happens.

It will be always "your fault" and she's making you to see like you're the crazy ones... It called gaslighting.. Such as to the extent from these PD person can go.
I strongly suggest you seeing your theraphist alone afterwards to avoid future difficulties.
I've been able to recognize that lately. Claiming I needed medication for my depression (I saw a doctor, they said medication could help, but wasn't' necessary, as I didn't have suicidal thoughts). Claiming that the police put down in their report that I was "mentally unstable" the night I had her arrested for domestic violence (which doesn't make any sense, I was calm and just talked to the sheriff). She complains to my family and her friends, making it out that I'm clearly the bad guy.


Get away from her and take your daughter with you. Don't let your daughter grow up with a narcissist. Force a personality diagnosis of her through so you can use evidence of her narcissism and the negative effect it'd have for your daughter as a battering ram to get custody and a good settlement.
I will talk to my lawyer and see what they can do. The house is in her parents name, and I'm already off the lease. I don't have a stable place for my daughter at the moment. I own my own business, but it isn't that lucrative. I stayed there temporarily when she initially kicked me out of the house. That's my major hurdle at the moment, securing a place. I live in southern california, so living arrangements aren't cheap. My family is out of state and not much of an option.
 
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Focal core

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That is something I hadn't considered. After reading Rollo's books and other resources, I felt I had it at least somewhat figured out. I was able to diffuse arguments I was never able to in the past and felt I finally had the upper hand. But you're right. It's may be a false sense of confidence that will hurt me in the end.

I'm fairly certain she has been hiding money (so have I). She get's aggressive and is still 'prepping' for the divorce.

She has plenty of "orbiters" ready to move her in and marry her at the drop of the hat. But she tells me it's a turn off for them to be so forward. Which is understandable. We will see what happens.



I've been able to recognize that lately. Claiming I needed medication for my depression (I saw a doctor, they said medication could help, but wasn't' necessary, as I didn't have suicidal thoughts). Claiming that the police put down in their report that I was "mentally unstable" the night I had her arrested for domestic violence (which doesn't make any sense, I was calm and just talked to the sheriff). She complains to my family and her friends, making it out that I'm clearly the bad guy.




I will talk to my lawyer and see what they can do. The house is in her parents name, and I'm already off the lease. I don't have a stable place for my daughter at the moment. I own my own business, but it isn't that lucrative. I stayed there temporarily when she initially kicked me out of the house. That's my major hurdle at the moment, securing a place. I live in southern california, so living arrangements aren't cheap. My family is out of state and not much of an option.
Run baby run, it's projection and smear campaigns. Shes totally nutcase. No way she could heal from that without decades of therapy and let the willingness to heal alone would set her back from that. One more things in the future watch out when she appear lucid and you want to trust her again.. Dont, it's a trap to put you in the vicious cycle again.. My ex were in that cycle now appearing lucid and sane again, fuvk her! No she didn't deserve it either.
 

Calihopeful

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It seems like everyone I talk to has the same sentiments echoed here. I will go through with the divorce.

I know some women are better than others, but how do you tell the difference between a woman who is nuts (my narcissistic wife) vs. a woman just being a bitchy solipsistic woman? After reading Rollo's books, I figured my wife wasn't crazy, just being an emotional woman.
 

SpanishFly

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It seems like everyone I talk to has the same sentiments echoed here. I will go through with the divorce.

I know some women are better than others, but how do you tell the difference between a woman who is nuts (my narcissistic wife) vs. a woman just being a bitchy solipsistic woman? After reading Rollo's books, I figured my wife wasn't crazy, just being an emotional woman.
Crazy women try to hide their craziness until they feel that they have hooked you. Women with sour characters seem to openly demonstrate their bitterness earlier on. In either case, what's important is that you don't have to live with it. Both types will make you feel miserable.
 
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Calihopeful

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Women don't just suddenly turn crazy.

And they can't hide craziness for any length of time in a day.

Enough of this crazy talk.
I knew she had some minor anger issues from the beginning. I didn't think it would progress to this point. Being a good guy and doing what I thought was the right thing, I married her when she got pregnant.
 

Spaz

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I knew she had some minor anger issues from the beginning. I didn't think it would progress to this point. Being a good guy and doing what I thought was the right thing, I married her when she got pregnant.
This relationship is over.

You're unknowingly emboldened her by being too passive.

This has inadvertently empowered her to act as such.

You need to understand the dynamics of male-female relationships.

A woman will be the mirror image of her man.

If the man is too passive, she will be aggressive. If he's a goody two shoes, she will be the b1tch.

It's the balance.

No use blaming her since you were the catalyst.

Own it.

And once you do then you'll be a better man the next time round.
 

Calihopeful

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This relationship is over.

You're unknowingly emboldened her by being too passive.

This has inadvertently empowered her to act as such.

You need to understand the dynamics of male-female relationships.

A woman will be the mirror image of her man.

If the man is too passive, she will be aggressive. If he's a goody two shoes, she will be the b1tch.

It's the balance.

No use blaming her since you were the catalyst.

Own it.

And once you do then you'll be a better man the next time round.
For sure. As I mentioned in page one, after reading Rollo's books I believe me being "too nice" (or the catalyst) as you put it was the problem. The whole point of this thread was my realization of that fact and seeing if it was possible to change and turn it around. It seems like it is too late for that though. I intend to go through with the divorce, keep reading the literature, improving myself, date and take care of my child. I appreciate your guys' advice.
 

Spaz

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For sure. As I mentioned in page one, after reading Rollo's books I believe me being "too nice" (or the catalyst) as you put it was the problem. The whole point of this thread was my realization of that fact and seeing if it was possible to change and turn it around. It seems like it is too late for that though. I intend to go through with the divorce, keep reading the literature, improving myself, date and take care of my child. I appreciate your guys' advice.
It's okay to be a nice guy.

But it's not okay to be a pushover.

I've not read Rollo's or any sort of self help books so I can't recommend any. However many has cited Rollo and that's a testament by itself.

What I will recommend for you is to enrol into some leadership courses - in real life.

It will change ur life for the better in all areas of both your personal and professional life.

Please do so.

Stick around in forum to update us or even seek guidance for anything.
 

AttackFormation

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For sure. As I mentioned in page one, after reading Rollo's books I believe me being "too nice" (or the catalyst) as you put it was the problem. The whole point of this thread was my realization of that fact and seeing if it was possible to change and turn it around. It seems like it is too late for that though. I intend to go through with the divorce, keep reading the literature, improving myself, date and take care of my child. I appreciate your guys' advice.
Your behavior may have been subpar, but keep in mind not only that there's another person involved but that she has a narcissism disorder. You can't be "good enough" to make that work. Don't put the blame entirely on yourself for this.
 
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Calihopeful

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It's okay to be a nice guy.

But it's not okay to be a pushover.

I've not read Rollo's or any sort of self help books so I can't recommend any. However many has cited Rollo and that's a testament by itself.

What I will recommend for you is to enrol into some leadership courses - in real life.

It will change ur life for the better in all areas of both your personal and professional life.

Please do so.

Stick around in forum to update us or even seek guidance for anything.
Well said. I will keep my eyes open for leadership roles.

Your behavior may have been subpar, but keep in mind not only that there's another person involved but that she has a narcissism disorder. You can't be "good enough" to make that work. Don't put the blame entirely on yourself for this.
I don't blame myself 100%. But I think I was the primary cause. Even if she is a narcissist, me validating her behavior by always making it about her has just been adding fuel to the fire. I did some googling after she was arrested and found this post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/69fxy5
Which was my first glance into this way of thinking about the dynamics of how a relationship should be. Who knows what the relationship would have been like had I discovered all of this before I married her....
 

LARaiders85

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I went to therapy, and so did my wife. To try and solve our relationship problems. We went there under the pretense that it was my fault and something I had a hard time fixing (which I believed). After going to therapy, it turns out the two therapists we were seeing said she shows signs of narcissistic personality disorder. I never confronted her about that, but shortly after her therapist said she might show signs of this, she stopped going to therapy. She tried to get me to stop going as well.
Classic.

You have to run for your life.
 

LARaiders85

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Which was my first glance into this way of thinking about the dynamics of how a relationship should be. Who knows what the relationship would have been like had I discovered all of this before I married her....
You wouldn't marry her. If you understood how she thinks and still married her you would be even worse.
 

Roober

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Whatever you do, do not give up on your children. Insist on 50/50 custody at a bare minimum.
 

Calihopeful

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Whatever you do, do not give up on your children. Insist on 50/50 custody at a bare minimum.
Never. My daughter is the only one I put above myself. I'm a better father than she is a mother. 50/50 is the minimum. She tries to talk me out of it. "The court won't give you that much, you have school, you'll need to find a second job to support yourself, etc...".... We will see what the courts say. Whatever it takes to keep my daughter with me as much as possible, I will take care of.
 
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Roober

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Never. My daughter is the only one I put above myself. I'm a better father than she is a mother. 50/50 is the minimum. She tries to talk me out of it. "The court won't give you that much, you have school, you'll need to find a second job to support yourself, etc...".... We will see what the courts say. Whatever it takes to keep my daughter with me as much as possible, I will take care of.
If she made more than you, ask for child support and alimony. You will need to have a room or at least a separate bed for your daughter, that is one important thing.
 

evan12

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It seems like everyone I talk to has the same sentiments echoed here. I will go through with the divorce.

I know some women are better than others, but how do you tell the difference between a woman who is nuts (my narcissistic wife) vs. a woman just being a bitchy solipsistic woman? After reading Rollo's books, I figured my wife wasn't crazy, just being an emotional woman.
She hide your gift watch because gifts cannot be split in court , it seem she is preparing herself for divorce too.
It seem you lack some assertiveness or even masculinity, and one of the problems I see, how can you be sure the next woman will be better. If the next woman also find you weak she will increase her aggression too .
I think you are thinking if you change , she might change, and that could be true , however the laws in North America make it very risky for a man to stay with the wrong woman. I am afraid she will false accuse you in something and find yourself in jail . for me if the woman dared to falsely call police on you , it is time for separation.
 

LARaiders85

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I know some women are better than others, but how do you tell the difference between a woman who is nuts (my narcissistic wife) vs. a woman just being a bitchy solipsistic woman? After reading Rollo's books, I figured my wife wasn't crazy, just being an emotional woman.
Predictively it's the traumatic childhood that makes the difference. In practice yes it's very difficult to tell. The earliest sign is the love bombing but they don't all do that overtly.
 

Calihopeful

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If she made more than you, ask for child support and alimony. You will need to have a room or at least a separate bed for your daughter, that is one important thing.
We make about the same, but she will likely try and stop working and try to get that from me. She already has been looking into it. I don't think that will fly though. I will have to see what my lawyer says.
 

Roober

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We make about the same, but she will likely try and stop working and try to get that from me. She already has been looking into it. I don't think that will fly though. I will have to see what my lawyer says.
You should be okay. She has shown she has the capacity to make the same as you. The courts will look at that, regardles of what she chooses to do with her employment situation. It sounds like she is just regurgitating nonsense to get you to react.

Remember, the emotional verbal assault is a womans playground. Try your best not to get sucked into it. In my situation, I had to literally ignore her for several months and funnel everything through the attorney.
 
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