Please explain the psychology behind not being needy for me!

[jackhamma]

I continue time and time and time again to screw up hot girls that I meet. It goes like this...

I meet them, we hit it off, we start to see each other, we sleep together, I go crazy reaching out ALL THE TIME and leave nothing for surprise or mystery, they start to get distant, they bounce.

The current girl I met about 3 weeks ago, is really cute. Fun as hell, we slept together, I know she really likes me. The first two weeks I reached out a lot and just recently she started retracting so I completely flipped the script and dialed back how much I reach out, how my texts were etc. She is now reaching out to me the past two days.

I am being told by my buddy that I need to let the entire weekend go by and not reach out. It is driving me crazy that I can't reach out because although I really want to I KNOW FOR A FACT she will go running because it looks like I have nothing else going on.

Besides telling to just play it cool, or spin other plates etc. Could someone please explain in detail how letting a day or two go by without reaching out, not always being available, not always responding right away etc works to having the chick want me more and want to reach out and see me more???

Thank you! Set my azz straight once and for all. I am playing it perfectly right now and just don't wanna F up anymore ever!!

 

[DonJuanit0]

In general, most women look for a strong, independent man that they can rely on. It's pretty much how nature works since they are the weak sex and they need (needed) protection.


Now, in todays society a strong man can be several things, money, physical strength, power, etc. Many believe that some women are with certain men because of their money and blame them for this, well, that's their nature! Nothing to be blamed for IMO.

Independence, when you are not always available, having OTHER things to care about and trouble you, rather than her alone, is inflicting several emotions to her.

Fear - Doubt: "Other men have shown me full dedication, am I not good enough for him to run around me all the time?"

Attraction: "He must be something great to have all these things to take care of before he can spend sometime for me and with me"

These and some other more that I don't really have time to explain now, lead to:
"Do I have to prove my self to him?" Hence, she falls into the trap of chasing YOU instead of you chasing HER.

The other day I had this chick explaining me that she earns a lot of money, she is smart and she is educated without me even asking anything about it! I knew she wanted my approval! And it came out like this exactly because I seemed uninterested to her.

There are lot of things you can learn from the DonJuan Bible and answer questions like this. Trust me and read the "fifteen lessons" by Pook.

 

[kronreiff]

You're not being a challenge. Get your game back on track. You always need to be a mystery. You're chasing instead of being chased. You're a man, you have a life, things to do, places to go and people to see. She's just along for the ride and should be treated as such.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Besides telling to just play it cool, or spin other plates etc. Could someone please explain in detail how letting a day or two go by without reaching out, not always being available, not always responding right away etc works to having the chick want me more and want to reach out and see me more???

Many reasons, there's not ONE simple reason. But there are a few big ones.

1) Scarcity. On a deep level, all humans value something MORE if there's not a lot of this.

2) It projects an "image" that you are not into her as much as she thinks. If you ALWAYS are there, she will "feel" (not rationally conclude) that YOU LIKE HER more than she likes you.

3) It IMPLIES social proof. If you are not with her, then she ASSUMES (does not rationally conclude) that you MAY be out socially and MAY be at the very least flirting with other girls

4) When she's not with you, she's THINKING about you. Which means she'll start to DOUBT whether you like her as much as she thinks or not (all girls, and all PEOPLE are susceptible to self-doubt)

5) While she's THINKING about you, she's thinking of you in the IDEAL TERMS. She's remembering the BEST THINGS about the two of you together. She's BUILDING THAT UP in her mind. If you keep calling and texting you RUIN THAT.

Don't think of spending two or three days (or whatever) as YOU doing something. Think of it as giving her a gift. The gift of imaging YOU and HER turning into the PERFECT relationship.

People don't buy lotto tickets because they think they'll win. They buy them because they like to DREAM about what it would be like.

Give her the GIFT of your ABSENCE so she can DREAM about the IDEAL YOU.

DON'T ruin it by being a chode and calling her every five minutes!

Let her enjoy the time away from you and WONDERING.

It is truly the BEST GIFT you can give a woman. And it is a GIFT you must NEVER DISCUSS with her.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Everyone wants what they do not have.

 

[DonJuanit0]

Everyone wants what they do not have.

I'm so glad, whenever I come back to this forum I still find you giving advices etc. I remember you since my day 1 in this forum! Keep it going man!

 

[RangerMIke]

Women look for a man that can handle things and take care of themselves.

They need a man that is a rock, and can get by on his own.... that way they can anchor onto him.

You start getting too clingy and needy and she sees you as someone that NEEDS her, if you need her, you are NOT a strong man, you are not the rock.

She want to be a passenger on your boat... not the skipper of the ship.

 

[RangerMIke]

Part II

Something that is easy to catch is boring. If you make it too easy then there is no challenge, without challenge she doesn't have to invest in you. If she does not invest, she sees you as without value.... you are boring, uninteresting and replaceable. You only really value what you have to work for.

 

[RangerMIke]

Part III

Women are attracted to men who's feelings are unclear. When she knows who you are and what motivates you and that you are interested... then she isn't wondering and thinking about you. If she isn't thinking about you, then she is not going to be interested.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Here are a few points you need to remember:

1. Most men make the mistake of assuming a girl is ready to husband them up just because they slept together. This is not the case - just because she slept with you doesn't mean she wants you as the boyfriend yet. She may LIKE you, but not at a level that's significant enough for her to want a relationship with you yet.

2. The 5 reasons taiyuu_otoko gave you are accurate. Here's reason #6: a woman will always look at your actions and use them to determine how safe you are to be with. Being needy already displays various beta qualities, but it also shows her a potential threat to her safety. Think of how many movies there are where the guy gets too into the woman, they either break-up or have some kind of misunderstanding, and now the guy wants to kill the woman. THIS is the danger she feels she may face if she gets with a guy that's obsessing over her, especially early on in the dating phase.

3. I've said this time and time again: it takes women at least 3 months of dating you to solidify their feelings enough about you to where things like contacting her all the time won't be seen as bothersome. In the meantime, all you're trying to do in those first 3 months is build interest, most of which will actually be done when you're NOT around and she has time to reflect on how good you make her feel about herself when you ARE around, thus increasing her desire to want to see/be with you more.

4. The more time you spend around her in the beginning, the higher chance you have of saying/doing something that annoys her or has her losing interest in you. You can't do that if you're not so available.

Hope this helps!

 

[RangerMIke]

5) While she's THINKING about you, she's thinking of you in the IDEAL TERMS. She's remembering the BEST THINGS about the two of you together. She's BUILDING THAT UP in her mind. If you keep calling and texting you RUIN THAT.

Never thought of it this way but I think you are right... this is why I come here, I learn new stuff all the time. This is exactly why women go back to bad relationships... the more time that passes the more she only remembers the good stuff.... brilliant.

 

[jackhamma]

Many reasons, there's not ONE simple reason. But there are a few big ones.

1) Scarcity. On a deep level, all humans value something MORE if there's not a lot of this.

2) It projects an "image" that you are not into her as much as she thinks. If you ALWAYS are there, she will "feel" (not rationally conclude) that YOU LIKE HER more than she likes you.

3) It IMPLIES social proof. If you are not with her, then she ASSUMES (does not rationally conclude) that you MAY be out socially and MAY be at the very least flirting with other girls

4) When she's not with you, she's THINKING about you. Which means she'll start to DOUBT whether you like her as much as she thinks or not (all girls, and all PEOPLE are susceptible to self-doubt)

5) While she's THINKING about you, she's thinking of you in the IDEAL TERMS. She's remembering the BEST THINGS about the two of you together. She's BUILDING THAT UP in her mind. If you keep calling and texting you RUIN THAT.

Don't think of spending two or three days (or whatever) as YOU doing something. Think of it as giving her a gift. The gift of imaging YOU and HER turning into the PERFECT relationship.

People don't buy lotto tickets because they think they'll win. They buy them because they like to DREAM about what it would be like.

Give her the GIFT of your ABSENCE so she can DREAM about the IDEAL YOU.

DON'T ruin it by being a chode and calling her every five minutes!

Let her enjoy the time away from you and WONDERING.

It is truly the BEST GIFT you can give a woman. And it is a GIFT you must NEVER DISCUSS with her.

This was extremely enlightening and very descriptive. I enjoyed reading it very much so. I also thank the rest of you who posted, all very great reads which has dialed back and settled my mind tremendously.

I do have one last part that I could use some help understanding please. The BALANCE of knowing when it is OKAY to reach out to see how her weekend was after 2-3 days or to just say hello. When it is OKAY to ask out again for the two of us to get together.

We last spoke Friday early afternoon via text and I left off with saying "I will give you a shout later in the weekend." which she replied "Okay "

Once again, I now understand the importance of not reaching out all the time, especially in the early stages of dating. How do I know it is OKAY to reach out to see how her weekend was?

My friends always say "Just be natural with it." Natural to me is I want to talk all the time, which has worked against me in the worse ways. I want to resolve this once and for all.

Thank you, any insight would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Glumix]

Never thought of it this way but I think you are right... this is why I come here, I learn new stuff all the time. This is exactly why women go back to bad relationships... the more time that passes the more she only remembers the good stuff.... brilliant.

The funny thing here is that this is also exactly why OP reach her out all the time. Because memory is closely linked to emotion. If you lack the securing proximity of what you want, your memory will make you remember of the good of that proximity.

Memory is your worst enemy when you are in a state of emotional instability.

My friends always say "Just be natural with it." Natural to me is I want to talk all the time, which has worked against me in the worse ways. I want to resolve this once and for all.

By natural, your friend means what is natural for a normal Real Man. The problem is you are not that man for now. You will have to learn it. You already started learning that the hard way.

A relationship is not something you have and you can lose. It is something that just is in its current state.

What's important is not what you want. Ask yourself what you can inject into the relationship by calling. You do not want to reach out to tell her : "I did nothing during those last 3 days except asking myself whether I should talk to you or not.".

Learn to discern whether you want to reach her out only to sooth your impatience or because you want to inject some interest or fun into the relationship.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

How do I know it is OKAY to reach out to see how her weekend was?

Natural to me is I want to talk all the time, which has worked against me in the worse ways. I want to resolve this once and for all.

There's no way to "resolve" this once and for all. There is no "right" length of time. You can only hope to contact her so it won't be too frequent OR too infrequent to maximize her attraction. The "right" time to wait is "just a little bit longer than she'd like" which, of course, is impossible to tell.

That length of time will always be different, even with her. The longer you know her, the deeper the relationship goes, but the same principle applies. Always be slightly less accessible than she wants, but you have to be careful, TOO inaccessible will push her away just as being TOO accessible will but in a different way.

You'll have to judge for yourself, but in your case, I'd recommend waiting a bit longer than you'd like.

This is one of those things you get better at with experience. No other way. After each girl you date it will get easier. (So long adjust slightly each time).

But this is also why you should ALWAYS be talking to as many different girls, in any capacity, as you can. (Waitresses, bartenders, girls at the cleaners, etc). Just to get your mind off the girl you're dating.

 

[Tenacity]

Many reasons, there's not ONE simple reason. But there are a few big ones.

1) Scarcity. On a deep level, all humans value something MORE if there's not a lot of this.

2) It projects an "image" that you are not into her as much as she thinks. If you ALWAYS are there, she will "feel" (not rationally conclude) that YOU LIKE HER more than she likes you.

3) It IMPLIES social proof. If you are not with her, then she ASSUMES (does not rationally conclude) that you MAY be out socially and MAY be at the very least flirting with other girls

4) When she's not with you, she's THINKING about you. Which means she'll start to DOUBT whether you like her as much as she thinks or not (all girls, and all PEOPLE are susceptible to self-doubt)

5) While she's THINKING about you, she's thinking of you in the IDEAL TERMS. She's remembering the BEST THINGS about the two of you together. She's BUILDING THAT UP in her mind. If you keep calling and texting you RUIN THAT.

Don't think of spending two or three days (or whatever) as YOU doing something. Think of it as giving her a gift. The gift of imaging YOU and HER turning into the PERFECT relationship.

People don't buy lotto tickets because they think they'll win. They buy them because they like to DREAM about what it would be like.

Give her the GIFT of your ABSENCE so she can DREAM about the IDEAL YOU.

DON'T ruin it by being a chode and calling her every five minutes!

Let her enjoy the time away from you and WONDERING.

It is truly the BEST GIFT you can give a woman. And it is a GIFT you must NEVER DISCUSS with her.

Hey OP, everything that T.O. said right here is good....but I have to add one thing before you get into everything that T.O. said and that is:

The girl must actually like you.

If a girl doesn't like you, going ghost, being scarce, playing hard to get, not being clingy, or whatever.....none of it works because the girl isn't into you like that. The honest truth is that some girls just want to go out with you, do a ONS, and that's it. You might not be hearing back from them for that reason and that reason alone. Especially if she's a very attractive chick, a lot of them like to ride what's known as the "c0ck carousel" for a period of time.

Then of course there are some girls who are actually into you, but being overly clingy to them creates a "suffocation" like effect and it's not good. You see, being a grown a.ss man, you shouldn't have TIME to be clingy anyway:

- You have to workout 5 days a week
- You have a career that demands a lot of your time during work hours
- You have a career that demands you do continuing education after work hours
- You have a house/apartment to maintain and keep clean
- You have a car to maintain and keep clean
- You have passive investment accounts to continue learning about, rebalancing, etc.
- You have other investment ventures to continue learning about, etc.

So the REALITY is, you shouldn't have "all of this fvcking free time" to be clingy anyway. You ought to be busy anyway, which will make everything that T.O. listed be created "naturally" within a girl that's interested in you, rather than you having to try to "fake being busy" in order to force it.