Plate Pushing for Commitment - Can you have your cake and eat it too?

[bat soup]

When will you peeps realize that food and @ss simply don't mix?

They do in the cafe I go to.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I'd like to get thoughts on anything else that I'm missing

-No correspondence with ex boyfriends
-review all of her social media pages and get password access

 

[Juanto]

How about not being monogamous to her? And not having to care so much about all the issues previously mentioned?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

They do in the cafe I go to.

Is it Nescafe or Asscafe?

 

[member160292]

How about not being monogamous to her? And not having to care so much about all the issues previously mentioned?

Because not everyone on this forum is after the same thing.

 

[Juanto]

Because not everyone on this forum is after the same thing.

I understand that, was just a suggestion

 

[soulforge]

I like the OPS strategy here.. If a girl is pushing for exclusivity and LTR/Commitment, absolutely lay down your expectations/boundaries. Strike while the Iron is hot.

I had to do the same recently, and they actually respect you MORE knowing that you are not a weak ass walk over, and you are a man who lives by certain principals.

In my case it was..

01. No meeting up/calling/texting male friends
02. No going to clubs/bars, unless with me & under my supervision
03. No holidays abroad unless with me
04. Don't be a fukin headache, rather be an asset to my life.

The only thing I missed out was... Clear communication.. I think it's an important one

 

[soulforge]

Why? A girl that wants a relationship is going to push for a relationship early on not beat around the bush.

True... Some girls don't play around like that, especially girls from the East

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

I like the OPS strategy here.. If a girl is pushing for exclusivity and LTR/Commitment, absolutely lay down your expectations/boundaries. Strike while the Iron is hot.

We have a heavily debated topic on this lol. My point was that I agree, but the girl isn’t worth dating if you feel the need to do this in the first place.

Your last two points are points that I would bring up to a girl because most girls travel and can be headaches in relationships regardless of their 304 status lol.

 

[SW15]

01. No meeting up/calling/texting male friends
02. No going to clubs/bars, unless with me & under my supervision
03. No holidays abroad unless with me
04. Don't be a fukin headache, rather be an asset to my life.

Great rules! We had a thread recently about Item #1, which was enlightening. Women's male friends are problematic, even though most are orbiters who won't get the chance to bang and those orbiters are frustrated about that. #2 was a part of a prominent thread yesterday. #3 was brought up in the last 1-2 weeks with @Free_Agent in his primary relationship.

#4 is fundamental for me.

 

[Juanto]

She's a grown woman not a child. And you're her boyfriend not her father or drill seargant.

exactly, and then guys are surprised when women break those rules. To expect monogamy these days (both from men or women) is just ludicrious

 

[Gamisch]

We have a heavily debated topic on this lol. My point was that I agree, but the girl isn’t worth dating if you feel the need to do this in the first place.

Your last two points are points that I would bring up to a girl because most girls travel and can be headaches in relationships regardless of their 304 status lol.

01. No meeting up/calling/texting male friends
02. No going to clubs/bars, unless with me & under my supervision
03. No holidays abroad unless with me
04. Don't be a fukin headache, rather be an asset to my life.

I kinda agree. What the use of trying to shape a woman whose so far out of the shape you want? Sure, some women will say they "need a strict man", but her submission will only be temporarily.

The biggest danger is the man will believe he " set proper boundaries " , let his guard down and still gets played. The only way to get her to meet your expectations is when she VOLUNTARY does these things.

#1. If a woman has male friends she is a no go. If she is older than 18 she'll know the consequences of having male friends. After losing some top guys due having male friends, she'll either make sure these guys are deep inside the friendzone, or these guys will be absolutely non threatening.

#2 same as 1. If you meet a woman who likes to go out, then why even bother ? If she brings up exclusivity, then you can say something a iut her behaviour and why you rather keep it casual. Again, its foolish to believe you are the first dude to bring that up to her.



3# the worste of all. You might need your SM to get other women. Besides that, you wanna go on a weekly routine checking her: Facebook, Instagram, snapchat, tiktok, gmail, hotmail, LinkedIn ect?

The only way to set these rules is early ,AFTER you fecked her good, and SHE brings up exclusivity. Then you can say you rather keep it casual with women in general because of rules #1-#4 and gauge her initial reaction. A " good girl" been through this before and if she wants exclusivity she'll confirm that she'll meet your demands.

Force these rules upon her and you'll get played 100%., because you had a lost case to begin with.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

A girl that wants a relationship is going to push for a relationship early on not beat around the bush.

I think the red flag point was she wants a relationship, but doesn't have any kind of criteria. She just wants a relationship with somebody who's "good enough" without really knowing that much about them.

This "desperation" is the red flag.

 

[Juanto]

This "desperation" is the red flag.

this is also very true, and too common with many women

 

[2Rocky]

I think overall the fact that a woman wants exclusivity at some point is a good start to ID a potential LTR. I don't think I could not be on my guard with a woman who "just wanted to keep it casual".

Chowdah it sounds like you have been treating her like a Gf already. Sleeping over, etc. So it is only natural she wants it all....She's already doing her part. and Truth be told she will be able to find someone else that will give her that easily.

I think the key in this negotiation is that you mention that IN THE PAST, women have not held up their end of what you consider a good monogamous relationship. That your social life is "as a couple" and that you will only socialize with other couples. That may drastically reduce YOUR social circle. That's a sacrifice on your part if you can't go hang out with the boys.

The reason for early exclusivity is as an audition of marriage/LTR prospects. Is that what she considers an endpoint? Do not grant exclusivity to any woman who you would not marry, or who doesn't view you as a marriage prospect in the future based on the limited information you have about her. ie: her mother is a psychotic harridan to her father, she is a slob, she has genetic predisposition to obesity, she has alcohol or drug issues, etc.

I don't know how far in the future you are looking Chowdah, or what your age range is...but if you are nearing a transition phase in your life where a graduation, promotion or geographical move is on the horizon, you have to establish the boundary that taking that next step in your education, life or career supersedes any relationship. You are on a path and she needs to ride that path with you or get off before the next junction.

a personal note: I met the longest relationship in my life in college, and sought out exclusivity because I was not feeling abundant. We were a great pair in college, but when I moved into my career, she did not have HER career path established, and that ultimately hindered my ability to follow the path I wanted at that time. Over 20 years my path grew while hers didn't and they diverged.

 

[member160292]

I think overall the fact that a woman wants exclusivity at some point is a good start to ID a potential LTR. I don't think I could not be on my guard with a woman who "just wanted to keep it casual".

Chowdah it sounds like you have been treating her like a Gf already. Sleeping over, etc. So it is only natural she wants it all....She's already doing her part. and Truth be told she will be able to find someone else that will give her that easily.

I think the key in this negotiation is that you mention that IN THE PAST, women have not held up their end of what you consider a good monogamous relationship. That your social life is "as a couple" and that you will only socialize with other couples. That may drastically reduce YOUR social circle. That's a sacrifice on your part if you can't go hang out with the boys.

The reason for early exclusivity is as an audition of marriage/LTR prospects. Is that what she considers an endpoint? Do not grant exclusivity to any woman who you would not marry, or who doesn't view you as a marriage prospect in the future based on the limited information you have about her. ie: her mother is a psychotic harridan to her father, she is a slob, she has genetic predisposition to obesity, she has alcohol or drug issues, etc.

I don't know how far in the future you are looking Chowdah, or what your age range is...but if you are nearing a transition phase in your life where a graduation, promotion or geographical move is on the horizon, you have to establish the boundary that taking that next step in your education, life or career supersedes any relationship. You are on a path and she needs to ride that path with you or get off before the next junction.

a personal note: I met the longest relationship in my life in college, and sought out exclusivity because I was not feeling abundant. We were a great pair in college, but when I moved into my career, she did not have HER career path established, and that ultimately hindered my ability to follow the path I wanted at that time. Over 20 years my path grew while hers didn't and they diverged.

Thanks for the advice and feedback.

I'm mid 30's, she's 26. I agree that this early exclusivity is an audition for LTR. I'm teetering with the idea of marriage/kids, but I haven't done much self-introspection on if it is truly what I want in the next 5 years. For her, it is the end result.

From my initial sense of this girl, she understands my ambitions in life, has the capability to support what I ask and possibly a family and being fun to be with at the same time. Of course, I'm staring at this through my rose tinted glasses because early stage emotions are in overdrive.

My history of LTR's the past decade have been where I call it off after the 3-4 year mark. The past one loved me dearly and I've likely 'alpha-widowed' her. She was the same as my age and I knew when I met her that I was going to ruin her chances of having kids if things didn't work out. That's the reason during this dating run, I wouldn't be dealing with anyone over 30. Being mid-30's, I know my window to find a suitable mate, should I decide to be a father is a few years. With this new GF, I'm cautious, will call things off I spot some major red flags and move on. It might not seem fair to her and I'm not sure if it's the best idea to communicate that.

It's a new perspective for me, learning from my previous relationships and experiences that members here have shared. If I were to be honest with myself, I am still undecided about what I want out of this new relationship, unfortunately.

 

[2Rocky]

As long as you are not going to feel FOMO, and she has elevated herelf above other options, you can step out of the dating pool for a few months and really not harm your value going back in. As you stated you have done monogamy before, so you know the story.

While you are evaluating her as a partner she is evaluating you as a potential father. All good women at this age do that.

 

[member160292]

I am going to disagree with this^ @2Rocky and believe this type of mindset is what scares the shyt out of many men, why they're so reluctant to go exclusive and how "commitmentphobia" came to be.

Exclusivity is simply the next step after after casually dating. It's focusing and having sex only with each other to see where it will lead.

May last a week, a month, a year, forever, it's much MUCH too early to know where it will lead, if anywhere.

You're both observing each other and deciding. Or should be.

I'm surprised because your marriage mindset is typically female. Women are typically the ones asking "where is this going"? "Do you see yourself getting married within the next year?" Etc etc etc.

Push, push, push which typically pushes the man right out of the door.

One day at a time man, focus only each other, give it a fair shot.

When you're spinning plates, you spread yourself thin among many, which prevents building intimacy and bonding with one.

That's why most people go exclusive imo and experience. To focus only on each other to give it a fair shot. See where it will lead.

Building intimacy and truly bonding with our SO takes time!

Don't push it or jump way ahead, that's bound to ruin the whole thing.

Relax, detach from outcome, and enjoy the journey!

I truly feel this way with all my heart and soul.

Good luck mate.

I get what you’re saying, I’ve done the detach from the outcome in all my previous relationships. I’d like to come up with a ‘plan’ now that I’m older. It’s not like one day you just say let’s get married..

 

[2Rocky]

I am going to disagree with this^ @2Rocky and believe this type of mindset is what scares the shyt out of many men, why they're so reluctant to go exclusive and how "commitmentphobia" came to be.

I think you read my comment as being an exhaustive checklist qualifying a woman as a marriage prospect. It's more of a Lack of Deal Breakers.

Mine were:
Smoker
Drug use
Visible tattoos in professional clothing
sloppy drunk
children younger than mine or wanted kids
inability to hold a job
chronic pain illness or disability


Down the line I moved up to a more exhaustive list of questions which I've shared here before, but that was the Live in LTR..

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Actually, I wasn't responding your or anyone's checklist, I was responding to what you posted about not going exclusive with a girl unless you know or are fairly certain you want to marry her.

Which I contend I may have misunderstood, and if so apologies, my bad.

However, at least I got to assert my $.02 re exclusivity for whatever that was worth! lol

Are cats to pennies as jews are to nickels?