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Pending Divorce/Starting to Date: When Should I Bring It Up?

Kidd55

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Hi all,

I'm 30-years-old, was married for about four years, and I filed for divorce about two months. My wife moved out about three months ago, but our marriage has been dead for at least a year; we stopped growing as a couple and I stopped wearing my wedding ring last summer. We were together, off-and-on, for about eight years. We met when were in college--and probably should never have gotten married due numerous differences. We don't have any kids, our assets are already split up, etc. At this point, it's purely just paperwork and a court date. My wife and I haven't spoken in about a month, which is for the best. I know she's been talking to other guys as well.

Over the last few months, I've been busy w/work, gotten into impeccable shape, went to counselling to deal with my issues from the divorce, have started to volunteer, joined a softball team, etc. I feel like I'm in a very good headspace. Throughout my travels, I've met some amazing women and have gone out on a few dates. Some were good; others not so much. On Wednesday, I went out for drinks with a girl I used to work with. I've known this girl for about two years and when we worked together, she knew that I was married. When I first met her a few years ago, I found her super interesting and wanted to get to know her better. I could tell that she was into me. Drinks were fun, we shared a lot of laughs, it was her idea to bounce to different bars, I kino'ed her through the night (e.g., holding hands, kissed her a few times at the end of the night). I could tell she was somewhat tentative throughout the night, but when I kino-ed her, she started to loosen up.

I can tell that this girl is into me--and I'm into her, but it's super early and I don't know want to kill the fun vibe we have going. I only use the phone to make dates, so there's no endless texting going on between us. I know she's wondering about my marriage/status. In fact, she's friendly with some of my co-workers and talks to them regularly. My co-workers know that I'm going through a divorce--and I'm guessing our drink date could come up.

What's the best way to handle this situation going forward? Keep it fun, loose, and wait to bring up the divorce? Or should I get ahead of it now, be honest, and tell her that I understand if she doesn't feel comfortable seeing me? I'd like to see her weekly or even bi-weekly.

Thanks in advance.
 
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Billtx49

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she's friendly with some of my co-workers and talks to them regularly. My co-workers know that I'm going through a divorce

What's the best way to handle this situation going forward?

Or should I get ahead of it now, be honest, and tell her
She probably knows your situation already…

By being honest and upfront.

YES
 

Kidd55

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She probably knows your situation already…

By being honest and upfront.

YES
Thanks for the quick reply. What's the best way to frame it without turning her off? We've only been out once and had a blast.
 

Billtx49

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What's the best way to frame it without turning her off? We've only been out once and had a blast.
Tell her you think she should know your situation. Don’t get overly serious explaining the ongoing divorce procedure, keep it light, but let her know you are 100% committed to it happening, then keep redirecting the convo because she will try to make it the next topic… Tell her It’s your past, you live in the present.
 

Kidd55

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Tell her you think she should know your situation. Don’t get overly serious explaining the ongoing divorce procedure, keep it light, but let her know you are 100% committed to it happening, then keep redirecting the convo because she will try to make it the next topic… Tell her It’s your past, you live in the present.
This is solid advice. I appreciate it.
 

Spaz

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It's a non issue for you right?

No reason for you to bring it up unless she requests it.

Only then and not before.
 

Kidd55

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It's a non issue for you right?

No reason for you to bring it up unless she requests it.

Only then and not before.
It's a non-issue.

She asked me a lot of covert questions during the date (e.g., do I have a room mate? How do I have so much free time to do all of my activities?)

I’m probably overthinking this. Should just focus on having fun and see where the chips fall.
 

Spaz

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It's a non-issue.

She asked me a lot of covert questions during the date (e.g., do I have a room mate? How do I have so much free time to do all of my activities?)

I’m probably overthinking this. Should just focus on having fun and see where the chips fall.
Yeah. You should.

Offering up ur personal problems is kinda needy, often deemed as seeking approval.

Dont go down that road man.

Let her seek ur approval. That's the right play.

You need shift the power to you instead of her.
 

Roober

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Keep it fun and take it SLOW! You will want, whether you acknowledge it or not, to fill the void of your soon to be exwife with a nice warm body. While the relationship may have been dead, you still had the knowledge that she was there. Now that she is not, your subconscious will have a strong desire to fill that empty space.

If you choose to venture into another relationship, take it slow. By this, hang out no more than once a week for a couple months. Keep doing your thing. If she is a good woman and is legitimately interested, this unspoken (do not tell her you want to take it slow) method of bond forming will be far more transparent to her than you believe.

I would also advise against dating coworkers, but it's not always that simple.
 

2Rocky

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If it comes up, be up front about it. Like as not she knows. She may not know where you are in the process, so some clarity from you would likely ease her mind. Her free time question was likely making sure you had a job or some other income producing activity. The Roommate question was logistics to bang...

Develop more female options as well. Sow some oats.
 

Kidd55

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Thanks for all of the responses, guys. I appreciate it.

Texted her last night, asked when she was free to get together for appetizers/drinks. She basically opened up her whole weekend for me. Told me if the weekend didn't work, next week was open as well. I told her that Friday night works. I'll follow up on logistics and get back to her. Seemed super eager see me again. We'll see what happens. This will be our second time out. The initial awkwardness of the first meeting is over. We should be more relaxed.

After being out of the dating market for a decade, trying to play it cool here while the legal stuff plays out with my divorce.
 

2Rocky

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Have things ready at home for an overnight guest. Drinks, movie, ice cream, whatever is your version of a nightcap.
 

Kidd55

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She’s proactively coming after you big time, aka making herself readily available to you. Sounds good.

Sex is what likely happens…
Logistics aren’t great. We both work in Manhattan. She lives in Manhattan. I live in Queens. Her apartment is probably about 30
Minutes from Queens. Is it worth suggesting a place near me or start in Manhattan and see where it goes?
 

Kidd55

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Just an update. She just texted me, apologizing for not getting back to me last night. She asked me if I wanted to go to this place in Mahattan. I didn’t suggest a place yet. I can counter with coming to Queens. Just deciding how fast I want to move this forward. This was someone I worked with at one point, so the whole reputation thing comes into play.

Appreciate any opinions.
 
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Kidd55

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Well, she just left. Needless to say, we had an amazing night. Started a little rocky. I grabbed a table in the middle of the crowded outdoor beer garden. She came in, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She’s sort of guarded, so I knew I needed to loosen her up. Drinks started flowing, I had her laughing, we bounced to different spots and we were making out in the second bar we went to. My place is within walking distance, so she agreed to come back. I used the excuse of wanting to show some ‘amateur photography’. Starting making out more heavily on the couch, started to kino her over her clothes, she resisted a little bit, hint at leaving a few times so she didn’t ‘overstay her welcome’. I kept it super light and no pressure. Said she could leave if she wanted. Needless to say, she stayed. Fingered her, banged her in my bed and she slept over. Bought her breakfast this AM and put her in an uber home.

Only issue I had was getting soft once when I was banging her. She was super tight and I think I used too much foreplay/she was starting to dry up. I also drank too much, so they have something to do with it. She’s a little inexperienced, but is a Cool girl. I can mold her how I want. We’ll see where this one goes. Thanks to everyone in this thread for helping!
 

AttackFormation

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Nice time you had dude, well done.

Only issue I had was getting soft once when I was banging her.
All right let's see then...

She was super tight and I think I used too much foreplay/she was starting to dry up.
I don't think pvssies dry up from "too much" foreplay when they're horny. The drying up has got to be something else, maybe she is just tense the first time she's with you or something like that.

I also drank too much
There's the cause of your soft d!ck :) just don't drink too much next time. I don't even drink at all personally.
 

Kidd55

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Nice time you had dude, well done.



All right let's see then...



I don't think pvssies dry up from "too much" foreplay when they're horny. The drying up has got to be something else, maybe she is just tense the first time she's with you or something like that.



There's the cause of your soft d!ck :) just don't drink too much next time. I don't even drink at all personally.
Yup. A lotta truth in here. I progressed the date forward sexually throughout the night. Sex just 'sort of happened'. She even said that this 'typically doesn't really happen'. My drinking, probably some of her nervousness of the situation (e.g., first time hooking up, first time at my place) led to the issues. She didn't seem to mind since she was super into me. We'll see what the future holds...

Meeting up with a Bumberella today. We’ll see how that one goes.
 
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DEEZEDBRAH

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What's the best way to handle this situation going forward? Keep it fun, loose, and wait to bring up the divorce? Or should I get ahead of it now, be honest, and tell her that I understand if she doesn't feel comfortable seeing me? I'd like to see her weekly or even bi-weekly.

Thanks in advance.
My LTR status is never expressed if ever in work. Son, you dun goofed here by letting it be known in the workplace. Outside of not wearing a ring, the issue is not relevant nor of any concern.

Spam cold approach. Chain gunning getting baeeeees. Swipe right at life.
 
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