Partner of 9 years lied to me about smoking

Matt3029

New Member
Joined
Jun 7, 2019
Messages
3
Reaction score
0
Age
36
Hi

Last November I found 10 empty packs of cigarettes in my partners coat pocket in wardrobe, I was totally shocked when I found out and confronted my partner, she denied it at first then admitted she had been smoking for last 1.5 years saying her granddad death and my being miserable has made her do it .... when we first got together she smokes but stopped when becoming pregnant 8 years ago , I didn't she think she would ever go back to if even tho her friends always smoke when she goes out .... I used to ask her why she smelled of smoke and she blamed her friends who smoked in the car for the smell etc. For the last 7 months I have found trusting her so so so hard , every time she goes out I wonder if she is smoking ... she tells me that she isn't and I have told her that if I find out now that she is then I will leaver her as I have given her the chance to come clean to me bit she has continued to tell me that she stopped ...i found myself going through he bag finding lighters hidden in socks in her bag which she says ain't her and she goes mental at me for checking up on her .... this is really tearing me up I need to get over it in order to move on for my two kids so they can have a happy family life ..
Do you think I am in the wrong ??? I need to let go on checking up on her and if I stumble across on her smoking I will need to deal with it then .... sorry for long message feels like I need to vent off...
 

Spaz

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 14, 2018
Messages
6,015
Reaction score
4,326
Location
Somewhere where's it's none of your business
If I were you I'd let her smoke, don't force her to quit as it would only get her defences up.

Then I'd make sure I'm in a happy place, go out have fun with the kids, invite her if she wishes if not then no big deal.

Focus on yourself 1st then let that happiness flow out to ur family.

If u r miserable then your family feels it because u r their natural leader, being the head of the family.

You wife will come around after a few months seeing you and the kids happy, she will want to be led into that reality. Who doesn't want to be happy?

Play to win. The prize is ur family.
 

lamath

Master Don Juan
Joined
Oct 29, 2018
Messages
1,748
Reaction score
1,393
Age
38
Location
Canada
If I were you I'd let her smoke, don't force her to quit as it would only get her defences up.

Then I'd make sure I'm in a happy place, go out have fun with the kids, invite her if she wishes if not then no big deal.

Focus on yourself 1st then let that happiness flow out to ur family.

If u r miserable then your family feels it because u r their natural leader, being the head of the family.

You wife will come around after a few months seeing you and the kids happy, she will want to be led into that reality. Who doesn't want to be happy?

Play to win. The prize is ur family.
This and might i add dont call gf or wife Partner sound like a leftist way to call your women
 

Matt3029

New Member
Joined
Jun 7, 2019
Messages
3
Reaction score
0
Age
36
This and might i add dont call gf or wife Partner sound like a leftist way to call your women
What is your problem? How is that a leftist way if calling my GF a partner .... any legal document that you complete asks if your married, divorced, partner etc...... doesn't state girlfriend
 

lamath

Master Don Juan
Joined
Oct 29, 2018
Messages
1,748
Reaction score
1,393
Age
38
Location
Canada
My comment was not a insult just an opinion or maybe a culture difference thing.

Where im from the terms is mostly used by LTBG couple.
And terms on legal document has been changed to accommodate those ppl.


This could be misleading if this forum was not a strait men forum
 

How This "Nice Guy" Steals Women from Jerks

Did you know a woman can be totally UN-ATTRACTED to you...

And she'll still sleep with you?

If you've ever seen a girl go home with some asshole she didn't even LIKE, you know this is true.

But how is this possible?

Because deep inside her brain, sexual desire has nothing to do with what you LOOK like...

And everything to do with how you make her FEEL.

Matt Cook knows this all too well.

Matt is a nice guy... but he steals women from JERKS all the time.

In this free video training below, he'll show you how he does it:

How to Control Her Emotions and Make Her Chase You

Grewd

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 19, 2013
Messages
2,760
Reaction score
1,788
Age
27
She's hiding it because she's ashamed of it and afraid to lose you if you find out, which seems to be a valid concern. Let her smoke then, at least she won't feel the need to hide it then. After that you can work on supporting her in trying to quit again.

I have hidden smoking myself, I know exactly what position she's in.
 

jaymbrs

Master Don Juan
Joined
Oct 27, 2017
Messages
792
Reaction score
462
Age
32
I understand where you're coming from. My GF has hidden the fact that she smokes way more than she claimed. I realized it when after having her clean the cigarette butts off my porch, she went out once for a smoke and I found 3 new butts. She claimed to only smoke 1 when she goes out. Clearly lied. But anyway, there's not a whole lot you can do except for focusing on yourself and learning to deal with it. What I'm doing is not making it any more comfortable or convenient for her to smoke which includes leaving (if I'm at her place), telling her I'm calling it a night (if at my place), or moving along without waiting for her to light up if we're out. She gets it and there's nothing she can do about it.
 

backseatjuan

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 2, 2011
Messages
3,368
Reaction score
791
Age
38
Location
Россия
she denied it at first then admitted she had been smoking for last 1.5 years saying her granddad death and my being miserable has made her do it ....
Wait! WTF? Red flag! I wouldn't be surprised if smoking is the least of your worries, cheating, planning to leave you, etc, etc.

I didn't she think she would ever go back to if even tho her friends always smoke when she goes out ....
Here is the thing, smoking is addictive. I myself will be going out right now to buy cigarettes before continuing my response. ..... There we go... If friends smoke, there is no way of quitting.

I used to ask her why she smelled of smoke and she blamed her friends who smoked in the car for the smell etc.
There you go. Remember my previous statement? If friends smoke, that means she also smokes. Your wife been smoking for the past 9 years, go back in time, and remember how many times she smelled like cigarettes.......... She been smoking.

For the last 7 months I have found trusting her so so so hard , every time she goes out I wonder if she is smoking ... she tells me that she isn't and I have told her that if I find out now that she is then I will leaver her as I have given her the chance to come clean to me bit she has continued to tell me that she stopped ...i found myself going through he bag finding lighters hidden in socks in her bag which she says ain't her and she goes mental at me for checking up on her ....
What an ass you are! Person is smoking. But that is least of your worries. I can guarantee you she is also cheating on you.

this is really tearing me up I need to get over it in order to move on for my two kids so they can have a happy family life ..
Do you think I am in the wrong ??? I need to let go on checking up on her and if I stumble across on her smoking I will need to deal with it then .... sorry for long message feels like I need to vent off...
Yes, you are in the wrong to yourself by thinking you can be happy with her and that she can change.

Hey! How about you leave her for good and find yourself a new wife? Is that an option? I mean the clock is ticking and this one is gonna die eventually, but not before turning into an ugly bag. The sooner you do it, the more time you'll have to get your life into a place where you are happy. She is preventing you from happiness.

I suggest you wiretap her phone by using this app (it's installed on rooted android) to get you prove you need that she is not honest with you. I can say with certainty that she is a cheater.
 

Spaz

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 14, 2018
Messages
6,015
Reaction score
4,326
Location
Somewhere where's it's none of your business
Wait! WTF? Red flag! I wouldn't be surprised if smoking is the least of your worries, cheating, planning to leave you, etc, etc.


Here is the thing, smoking is addictive. I myself will be going out right now to buy cigarettes before continuing my response. ..... There we go... If friends smoke, there is no way of quitting.


There you go. Remember my previous statement? If friends smoke, that means she also smokes. Your wife been smoking for the past 9 years, go back in time, and remember how many times she smelled like cigarettes.......... She been smoking.


What an ass you are! Person is smoking. But that is least of your worries. I can guarantee you she is also cheating on you.


Yes, you are in the wrong to yourself by thinking you can be happy with her and that she can change.

Hey! How about you leave her for good and find yourself a new wife? Is that an option? I mean the clock is ticking and this one is gonna die eventually, but not before turning into an ugly bag. The sooner you do it, the more time you'll have to get your life into a place where you are happy. She is preventing you from happiness.

I suggest you wiretap her phone by using this app (it's installed on rooted android) to get you prove you need that she is not honest with you. I can say with certainty that she is a cheater.
Dude ur perception of reality is yours and might not be his.

Let's offer newbies here something other then #next.
 

Epic Days

Master Don Juan
Joined
May 7, 2019
Messages
601
Reaction score
434
Age
34
Here is the issue with smoking. Demanding someone to not smoke actually makes their dependency for nicotine actually increase.

This does smell of leftist leveraging. But I could be wrong. I wonder how many marriages would last if the husband demanded her to quit eating wheat and sugar, heart disease being the number one killer in the world. But smoking? Ok, demand a guy to stop drinking beer. That gut is starting to expand some and he’s headed to diabetes. Let’s dump his diabetes, beer drinking arse.

Personally I don’t care if she smokes as long as it’s not in my house. I will even sit with her on my porch. It’s a great porch.

The most successful stop smoking technology is Allen Carr’s “The easy way to stop smoking”
In fact there’s a money back guarantee.
 

Black Magic

Don Juan
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
28
Reaction score
19
Here is the issue with smoking. Demanding someone to not smoke actually makes their dependency for nicotine actually increase.
This.

I tried for years to get my ex wife to stop smoking, including threatening divorce, which obviously happened. She never quit despite all those years of empty promises from her and threats from me. People do not change unless they 100% want to themselves. Study after study has shown, even in young kids, that any kind of threat might be effective in the short term but rarely produces a lasting change.

I'm reading the book Influence: the Psychology of Persuasion, and the author provides an example of American soldiers in Chinese POW camps, and how the Chinese used soft tactics to get the POWs to sell out to a much greater degree than those who were under direct duress.
 

GeeMale

Don Juan
Joined
May 11, 2017
Messages
115
Reaction score
18
Location
Houston,TX
Hi

Last November I found 10 empty packs of cigarettes in my partners coat pocket in wardrobe, I was totally shocked when I found out and confronted my partner, she denied it at first then admitted she had been smoking for last 1.5 years saying her granddad death and my being miserable has made her do it .... when we first got together she smokes but stopped when becoming pregnant 8 years ago , I didn't she think she would ever go back to if even tho her friends always smoke when she goes out .... I used to ask her why she smelled of smoke and she blamed her friends who smoked in the car for the smell etc. For the last 7 months I have found trusting her so so so hard , every time she goes out I wonder if she is smoking ... she tells me that she isn't and I have told her that if I find out now that she is then I will leaver her as I have given her the chance to come clean to me bit she has continued to tell me that she stopped ...i found myself going through he bag finding lighters hidden in socks in her bag which she says ain't her and she goes mental at me for checking up on her .... this is really tearing me up I need to get over it in order to move on for my two kids so they can have a happy family life ..
Do you think I am in the wrong ??? I need to let go on checking up on her and if I stumble across on her smoking I will need to deal with it then .... sorry for long message feels like I need to vent off...
I smoked like 8 years. Been nonsmoker over 2. Encourage her to read Easyway to stop smoking by Allen Carr it's on Amazon and chantix from doc if that fails...
 

Black Magic

Don Juan
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
28
Reaction score
19
@Matt3029 I encourage you and her to work things out; this does not seem insurmountable. The lying hurts for sure, and should not be discounted, but she came clean about it so I think she gets a pass.

She told you why she started, so I suggested working thru those root causes rather than addressing the smoking head on. Often times we do harmful things to ourselves in a subconscious attempt at cutting away or escaping the painful feelings, when they should be dealt with. "The only way out is through" as they say.

Support her and the emotions she's feeling, and do your part by working on yourself and your own happiness. Perhaps she's feeling the burden of your emotional state and the smoking is a misguided attempt at removing herself psychologically from that situation.
 

backseatjuan

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 2, 2011
Messages
3,368
Reaction score
791
Age
38
Location
Россия
The red flag is not her lying about smoking, nor is it her smoking. The red flag is her going out with her sltty girlfriends, obviously not to smoke together. Too many women around to be focusing on that one.
 

RangerMIke

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 23, 2014
Messages
3,216
Reaction score
3,606
Location
USA, Louisiana
You can't control women. All you can do is walk away. If smoking really bothers you then just leave her.... if the smoking really doesn't bother you, as long as she doesn't do this in front of you, then just tell her that it's her body and none of your business. Women will only change when they want to change.

The fact that she continues to do something that she knows you do not approve of is an indicator she is losing interest in you. A chick with high interest isn't going to to this.... right now smoking is more important than you, but it doesn't have to be smoking, it can be anything you don't like. The right course of action for you is to calmly tell her this doesn't work for you and walk away. Then the ball is in her court, if she doesn't want to lose you she will change... if she doesn't.... well bad news does not get better with time, it's better to cut your loses sooner rather than later. This gives you more time to find a chick that really likes you.
 
Read the 22 Rules for Massive Success with Women. Everything you need to know to become a huge success with women. And it's free!

stovepipe

Master Don Juan
Joined
Mar 12, 2017
Messages
557
Reaction score
463
I dealt with this same exact crap before. If there is one thing I learned from it is if she lied about smoking for so long, then there is more lies you don't know about. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised is she was smoking for years without you knowing. In a way she was gas lighting you.

When the lies start to affect your mental well being for me that's a sign it's time to exit the relationship. Cause I can tell you she isn't going to stop for you. Shes going to do what she wants, you will constantly wonder if she is, you will continue snooping through her things to find evidence, she will continue to lie, it will continue to bother you.

I smoked like 8 years. Been nonsmoker over 2. Encourage her to read Easyway to stop smoking by Allen Carr it's on Amazon and chantix from doc if that fails...
All you need to quit is a strong mindset, not some pill with crazy side effects like suicide, some book or gum.
 

GeeMale

Don Juan
Joined
May 11, 2017
Messages
115
Reaction score
18
Location
Houston,TX
I dealt with this same exact crap before. If there is one thing I learned from it is if she lied about smoking for so long, then there is more lies you don't know about. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised is she was smoking for years without you knowing. In a way she was gas lighting you.

When the lies start to affect your mental well being for me that's a sign it's time to exit the relationship. Cause I can tell you she isn't going to stop for you. Shes going to do what she wants, you will constantly wonder if she is, you will continue snooping through her things to find evidence, she will continue to lie, it will continue to bother you.



All you need to quit is a strong mindset, not some pill with crazy side effects like suicide, some book or gum.
Well the book sort of puts you in a frame that makes you hate cigarettes and wanna quit as it removes all the learned brainwashing and talks about facts regarding smoking. It hypnotizes a smoker into being a non-smoker , not an ex-smoker.
 

Epic Days

Master Don Juan
Joined
May 7, 2019
Messages
601
Reaction score
434
Age
34
I dealt with this same exact crap before. If there is one thing I learned from it is if she lied about smoking for so long, then there is more lies you don't know about. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised is she was smoking for years without you knowing. In a way she was gas lighting you.

When the lies start to affect your mental well being for me that's a sign it's time to exit the relationship. Cause I can tell you she isn't going to stop for you. Shes going to do what she wants, you will constantly wonder if she is, you will continue snooping through her things to find evidence, she will continue to lie, it will continue to bother you.



All you need to quit is a strong mindset, not some pill with crazy side effects like suicide, some book or gum.
I’m going to break the news here, so pay attention.

There is NO WOMAN on the planet that does not lie. Lies of omission (leaving details out), lies of convenience, lies about things that make her higher status. Impression lies. All kinds.
It doesn’t matter if she’s single, married, whatever.

Using the fact that a woman lies is incredibly naive.
 

stovepipe

Master Don Juan
Joined
Mar 12, 2017
Messages
557
Reaction score
463
Well the book sort of puts you in a frame that makes you hate cigarettes and wanna quit as it removes all the learned brainwashing and talks about facts regarding smoking. It hypnotizes a smoker into being a non-smoker , not an ex-smoker.
You have to truly want to quit in order to be successful. I'm not saying that some products don't help one quit. I think weak minded people trick themselves into thinking they do need a product to help them quit.
 

stormrider

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Sep 11, 2018
Messages
337
Reaction score
604
Age
31
You can't control women. All you can do is walk away. If smoking really bothers you then just leave her.... if the smoking really doesn't bother you, as long as she doesn't do this in front of you, then just tell her that it's her body and none of your business. Women will only change when they want to change.

The fact that she continues to do something that she knows you do not approve of is an indicator she is losing interest in you. A chick with high interest isn't going to to this.... right now smoking is more important than you, but it doesn't have to be smoking, it can be anything you don't like. The right course of action for you is to calmly tell her this doesn't work for you and walk away. Then the ball is in her court, if she doesn't want to lose you she will change... if she doesn't.... well bad news does not get better with time, it's better to cut your loses sooner rather than later. This gives you more time to find a chick that really likes you.
I think the big issue is you don't want to have to force someone to love themselves enough to quit smoking. You'd rather them do it on their own volition, out of self love, and not fear that they might lose you. You are not their parent.

Forcing someone to quit bad habits defeats the purpose of them quitting bad habits - which is self love.

Personally I would next any woman who doesn't love herself(unless it's just spinning plates). My job is not to fix her.
 
Last edited:
Top