Opinions on how I handled this with my son

[dustmuffin]

My son is 18 and is a senior in High School. He was in military school last year. He hasn't made good choices but seems to be improving. He joined the National Guard about a month ago.

I asked him if he would like to go to the Ok State football game with me last week. He said yes so I bought tickets for the game today. I told him to be ready at 11.

I dive 40 minutes to pick him up and he isn't at his mothers. I tried to call him on his phone and it was dead. Anyway I tracked him down by driving over to a friends house where he was asleep. He didnt tell anyone where he was. It was just a guess by his mother.

He told me that he could still go. I said that if he was interested in going he would have been at home and ready to go when I asked him. He said he was sorry and I left.

I called someone else to go with and will be picking them up in a bit.

Was I being to hard on my son? It is pretty basic to be ready and at home when you are asked to especially when you are going to a fun event. I thought it was disrespectful.

Thoughts?

 

[CMNILS87]

If he was that super interested in the game, he would've been ready waiting at the house, jersey on, ready to go. I remember being about 16-17 and my dad pulling a stunt like this. I wouldn't be ready or I would be super emotional teenager and he would just leave to have fun. He would just go by himself. I knew he was pissed, I cut that **** out soon enough after that because I knew he wasn't messing around.

 

[Bible_Belt]

The Army is going to be a lot less forgiving about things like this than you were.

 

[Billtx49]

He was irresponsible, you took someone else. Lesson learned for him. You did fine, but life will have a few more lessons in store for him. Don't confuse respect with responsibility though. In this case his immaturity and irresponsibility probably made it look disrespectful to you.

 

[Julian]

your sons bad decisions are based on your failure as a father. u should have been real with him and told him how u really felt, which was you were hurt that he just tossed your father son plans into the trash.

let him know it was fked up of him to do that and u should have blasted him about it..if he was truly sorry and u could tell he felt bad and apologized..well you as the father need to be the bigger man and you should have forgiven him on the spot and took him to the game and not be a little ***** about it after the fact and be petty.

he could end up dead in a warzone so maybe take it easy on the kid and pick your battles..whats more important?..being a female an teaching ur son a scornful lesson or bonding with him and accepting his fk ups and then spending time together, which is the point isnt it.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Wish my dad took me to football games or did stuff like that. ****, I wished he watched my soccer games, swim meets, baseball games, and water polo games too. Damn you dad lol.

You did alright. He'll feel bad for a bit. At this point it's up to him and how he feels though. You cannot control him like when he was a kid, he will only hate you for it (I hate it when my dad does that to me, same with my bro. We get really close to fist fighting though when we do fight so we aren't like most families). At this point the only way he can succeed is if he knows what it's like to hit rock bottom, and it's still a gamble. He will either try to cope which will get him in more trouble or he will face the issues at hand, deal with them, and begin to rebuild.

 

[Serenity]

If he really wanted to go but for whatever reason messed up, then he'll just learn to not let good opportunity pass him by next time.

I don't know if football interests him, you should know this better than I do. This could also have happened because he's not very interested in football, that he didn't look forward to it. If that's the case then ask him he's actually going to be ready the next time he says yes to go with you to an event. Like make a point that if he says yes he's gotta be committed to it.

I don't think you were being too hard, I think you were being fair. You can't teach him that everyone will wait for him and it's ok to say yes without actually meaning it, the world doesn't work like that. He's gotta learn to be ready on time and true to his words like everyone else, if not he's gonna have a much tougher time in life than this single incident.

@Julian Do you have any experience with raising children at all? Teaching them how to handle themselves in the world is more important than being your kids best friend. Any psychologist will tell you that. Some parents accept way too much of their childrens bad behavior, those children will have a hard time when they have to stand on their own in the world. Their parents may accept it, but most others (especially employers) will not. A parents job is to teach their children how the world works so that when they're gone their children will be able to make it on their own.

 

[Von]

You were fair and just.

However, I think he's having issues or problems.

Drugs/depression/2nd life/bad influence.

He left the army people get in depression for that, especially in Canadian Forces (training strict compared to US). Why ? The y go from a discipline/strict/boss mode world to chaos and your on your own.

Also, he lied to you

3rd: HIS MOM HAD TO GUESS WHERE HE WAS!

Means: he doesn't want to be there and that's not the first time.

You did great but next time ask why he behaved such, about the friend.

Calm, no judgement,

 

[Serenity]

@Von that's a whole ton of assumptions.

 

[Von]

@Von that's a whole ton of assumptions.

My life experience.

Hence to stay calm

17 to 21 is still rebelious. Also, the divorce might still impact

Yet OP, did good

 

[dustmuffin]

Thanks guys for the responses. I'm going to try it again in a couple of weeks. I hope that he has learned his lesson.

 

[Von]

Thanks guys for the responses. I'm going to try it again in a couple of weeks. I hope that he has learned his lesson.

I would suggest: an action date (son-dad), something you know will sheer him up.

So he overcome his guilt, you get respect.

 

[dustmuffin]

[QU
OTE="Von, post: 2363719, member: 131704"]I would suggest: an action date (son-dad), something you know will sheer him up.

So he overcome his guilt, you get respect.[/QUOTE]

It will be an Oklahoma State football game again. I bought tickets close to the field on the 40 yard line. I had season tickets last year in the same area. I took his brother to those games since he was away at military school. He will like it. I just have to get his a ss out of the door and in the car.

He better come. I dont want to have to take a plate like I did last week. My other son had plans with a youth group. My plate loved it. I sent her a text and she was ready in less than an hour. She was all smiles the whole trip.

 

[cola]

I've been working on minding my business.
But one posters reply to this thread really struck a nerve

your sons bad decisions are based on your failure as a father.

Bullsh*t.

u should have been real with him and told him how u really felt, which was you were hurt that he just tossed your father son plans into the trash.

You mean vent? Venting is for girls. Men respond with actions which op did.

let him know it was fked up of him to do that and u should have blasted him about it..if he was truly sorry and u could tell he felt bad andapologized..well you as the father need to be the bigger man and you should have forgiven him on the spot and took him to the game and not be a little ***** about it after the fact and be petty.

Ridiculous.

he could end up dead in a warzone so maybe take it easy on the kid and pick your battles..whats more important?..being a female an teaching ur son a scornful lesson or bonding with him and accepting his fk ups and then spending time together, which is the point isnt it.

Please don't have a son. He will be a p*ssy.
Have you not learned you don't reward bad behavior?

 

[Huffman]

Don't have kids but from the outside there's two things:

1. Disrespect: Even if he didn't want to go, he should have been there or canceled. I think you handled that OK. Could have been more or less harsh, as long as the message is clear it's OK.

2. He didn't really want to go: Maybe you have a strenuous relationship, or he thinks it will be boring and only accepted out of obligation. I know I do when my dad asks me to go hiking. But my dad is also weak and narrow-minded, so I can't suggest anything else that might actually be fun. How about you ask your son to organize? Since he disappointed you last time, it's up to him to organize something good, so he can make it up to you. Fix a date but leave the rest to him. First of all he's going to pick something that he likes, secondly it forces him to man up, thirdly you don't appear like a supplicant asking for another chance. And finally, kids usually hate having their parents boss them around, trusting him with a bit of leadership might be an interesting experiment?

With any luck, you can get him to take an active role in fixing your relationship, if grudgingly at first. Of course, if he does come through you gotta show that you respect him for it and very slowly start some positive reinforcement.

 

[dustmuffin]

Success....he was ready when I picked him up at 8 30. Called at 7 30 and he was up. We just got into stillwater and we are enjoying breakfast before the game at 11.