Online game: Feel like I'm just interviewing them (minimal reciprocity) this normal?

[SpartanWarrior77]

Can someone explain why girls only answer questions but don't ask much in return?

I'm using an online app to meet women overseas (it's not a dating app per say but people use it as such).

But I keep noticing the same pattern:

I'm a handsome guy so my photos are not the problem. Let's get that out of the way.

All the women I speak to mostly simply answer my questions but are not good at asking questions in turn.

Like they do ask sometimes, but I often feel like I'm interviewing them. They also often ignore or barely comment on what I said even if it consisted of several sentences where I revealed interesting details about myself and my life.

Here are some factors that I think have to do with it but I'm open to similar experiences/theories or tips from you guys:

- Language barrier of course but most of these women speak very good conversational english

I think my main question is are they unconsciously just not open to me yet?

I'm a random dude they met online and although I might appear handsome and interesting, maybe they are not as enthusiastic yet (compared to me). When I find a woman who is "my type" on this app, my mind becomes lit with passion and I entertain all kinds of possibilities about the future but a lot of these women are probably not in that mindset yet. I'm also 30 and am thinking of the future while all of these women are below 22 so maybe they're just not as worried about the future or in a rush as I am.

After direct messaging 200+ women, I am currently talking to two women who are definitely my type and they comes from the same region in europe as myself so we have a cultural commonality. I could tell there is definitely some interest from them but we've been talking for about 3-5 days and the conversation is usually me just asking questions and them responding. I had to literally ask them to ask me a question in turn multiple times and they obliged but it's still basically interview mode. They also send me 30 second+ long audio messages and hit me up first sometimes but it's still mostly like they are soliciting me to go back into interview mode.

I guess the simple thing I'll do is see how long I can last and see if things change with them. Like I said, they are very much my type in terms of beauty, common interests, values, and culture. I'm just disappointed that their conversation seems to only revolve around them.

I mean isn't an age old seduction tactic to make the conversation about her anyway? But in my mind, there is something very simpy about just making conversation about her so much. It's nice to go back and forth more.

But I do wonder if I've forgotten a few simple things over the years as I've become a bit more jaded:

For the most part, girls need to be warmed up. They need to feel your interest first. They wanna sh!t-test you a bit. Especially if you met them online. Why would they fall in love with you so quickly (unless you were some top 1% social media guy or something)?

I think I'm forgetting the above and I'm taking sh!t way too personal.

I think if I just forget about myself a little bit and just make it about them in the beginning, after they see that I'm still here and I'm not just another online chatty guy that's going nowhere, once they see that I'm actually really interested in them and would like to meet them for real, things will change and I'll feel more reciprocity.

My friends often tell me I rush things and I get disappointed when they don't go my way immediately. I've been spoiled many times in the game and it has screwed up my capacity to be patient in the game.

OBVIOUSLY if things don't change after 2 weeks or so and I'm just constantly in interview-mode, sh!t will NOT fly. I will never compromise for a one-sided dynamic like this for long but I want to learn how to be more patient in the short term and not sh!t personal when they're acting like this but I need a bit of motivation because I'm the type to just delete/block if I'm not getting what I want (really interesting back and forth, super engaged, great conversation right off the bat).

I'm becoming increasingly aware that it's extremely rare that they are super interested right off the bat and that there is no resistance, sh!t-testing or a bit of games. I guess what haunts me is the notion that if the chemistry is good with a woman, it has to be good right from the beginning. And even though I have had situations similar to that, it seems to be extremely extremely rare and usually from girls that are not that attractive.

Anyone have similar experiences? What is a mindset that would allow me to not take the above dynamic personally?

 

[Doctor Europeo]

Its on you to lead the interaction, Bro. Its called "Game" , It should be pleasant and fun

 

[Randall Stephens]

Can someone explain why girls only answer questions but don't ask much in return?

I'm using an online app to meet women overseas (it's not a dating app per say but people use it as such).

But I keep noticing the same pattern:

I'm a handsome guy so my photos are not the problem. Let's get that out of the way.

All the women I speak to mostly simply answer my questions but are not good at asking questions in turn.

Like they do ask sometimes, but I often feel like I'm interviewing them. They also often ignore or barely comment on what I said even if it consisted of several sentences where I revealed interesting details about myself and my life.

Here are some factors that I think have to do with it but I'm open to similar experiences/theories or tips from you guys:

- Language barrier of course but most of these women speak very good conversational english

I think my main question is are they unconsciously just not open to me yet?

I'm a random dude they met online and although I might appear handsome and interesting, maybe they are not as enthusiastic yet (compared to me). When I find a woman who is "my type" on this app, my mind becomes lit with passion and I entertain all kinds of possibilities about the future but a lot of these women are probably not in that mindset yet. I'm also 30 and am thinking of the future while all of these women are below 22 so maybe they're just not as worried about the future or in a rush as I am.

After direct messaging 200+ women, I am currently talking to two women who are definitely my type and they comes from the same region in europe as myself so we have a cultural commonality. I could tell there is definitely some interest from them but we've been talking for about 3-5 days and the conversation is usually me just asking questions and them responding. I had to literally ask them to ask me a question in turn multiple times and they obliged but it's still basically interview mode. They also send me 30 second+ long audio messages and hit me up first sometimes but it's still mostly like they are soliciting me to go back into interview mode.

I guess the simple thing I'll do is see how long I can last and see if things change with them. Like I said, they are very much my type in terms of beauty, common interests, values, and culture. I'm just disappointed that their conversation seems to only revolve around them.

I mean isn't an age old seduction tactic to make the conversation about her anyway? But in my mind, there is something very simpy about just making conversation about her so much. It's nice to go back and forth more.

But I do wonder if I've forgotten a few simple things over the years as I've become a bit more jaded:

For the most part, girls need to be warmed up. They need to feel your interest first. They wanna sh!t-test you a bit. Especially if you met them online. Why would they fall in love with you so quickly (unless you were some top 1% social media guy or something)?

I think I'm forgetting the above and I'm taking sh!t way too personal.

I think if I just forget about myself a little bit and just make it about them in the beginning, after they see that I'm still here and I'm not just another online chatty guy that's going nowhere, once they see that I'm actually really interested in them and would like to meet them for real, things will change and I'll feel more reciprocity.

My friends often tell me I rush things and I get disappointed when they don't go my way immediately. I've been spoiled many times in the game and it has screwed up my capacity to be patient in the game.

OBVIOUSLY if things don't change after 2 weeks or so and I'm just constantly in interview-mode, sh!t will NOT fly. I will never compromise for a one-sided dynamic like this for long but I want to learn how to be more patient in the short term and not sh!t personal when they're acting like this but I need a bit of motivation because I'm the type to just delete/block if I'm not getting what I want (really interesting back and forth, super engaged, great conversation right off the bat).

I'm becoming increasingly aware that it's extremely rare that they are super interested right off the bat and that there is no resistance, sh!t-testing or a bit of games. I guess what haunts me is the notion that if the chemistry is good with a woman, it has to be good right from the beginning. And even though I have had situations similar to that, it seems to be extremely extremely rare and usually from girls that are not that attractive.

Anyone have similar experiences? What is a mindset that would allow me to not take the above dynamic personally?

My man, if a conversation is starting to feel like an interview, it's probably because you're not sharing much about yourself. This is a mistake. We often maybe think that if someone doesn't ask, they don't want to hear it. But this is false. I would ask myself how much am I sharing about myself, along with putting in the effort to get to know them? It's equally important to get them to get to know you. And often YOU have to take the initiative to share that content with them. You have to give them news about your life, and follow up on it.

From what I've read, the best advice for you right now is: Sandwich your questions with personal revelations. This will break up the give and take and it won't feel like an interview (and if we're being honest, she might feel like it's an interrogation - Ugh!). Either talk about yourself, then ask a question about it -- or ask a question, and then talk a little about your take on it. Then turn it over to them. You might be surprised at how this one thing starts shifting things for you.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

My man, if a conversation is starting to feel like an interview, it's probably because you're not sharing much about yourself. This is a mistake. We often maybe think that if someone doesn't ask, they don't want to hear it. But this is false. I would ask myself how much am I sharing about myself, along with putting in the effort to get to know them? It's equally important to get them to get to know you. And often YOU have to take the initiative to share that content with them. You have to give them news about your life, and follow up on it.

From what I've read, the best advice for you right now is: Sandwich your questions with personal revelations. This will break up the give and take and it won't feel like an interview (and if we're being honest, she might feel like it's an interrogation - Ugh!). Either talk about yourself, then ask a question about it -- or ask a question, and then talk a little about your take on it. Then turn it over to them. You might be surprised at how this one thing starts shifting things for you.

Nice, I like that. Yeah, that's the approach I've been taking is sharing things with them even if they didn't ask.

I think part of it is that they are young and that they might not have the best social skills.

Maybe they also think that they are the girl and that the guy has to basically beg. It hasn't occurred to them that their position is scarce as in, they're in their prime so they're gonna be pretty arrogant. Humility usually comes before the prime and of course, after the wall...

But yeah, instead of theorizing, I want to try different tactics.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

Its on you to lead the interaction, Bro. Its called "Game" , It should be pleasant and fun

Yeah, I get that but it's hard to not take it personally when they're not reciprocating conversationally.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I am not sure what the main focus of the app is, but generally, it's advised to text with a purpose (making plans, keeping in touch, build connection). In online dating, the main goal is usually to get off the app and meet in person as soon as possible since conversations usually become mundane.

However, since these women are not asking you any questions and they’re super far away, the reasons I can think of why they are not asking you any questions is because they might just be staying within the premise of the app and not treating it as a real dating platform, meaning they’re casually chatting without serious intent. Another possibility is that they’re not actually attracted to you or trying to seduce you. When a woman is genuinely interested it usually shown through reciprocal effort. Lastly, they might be inundated with so many conversations that yours feels expendable unless you immediately stand out. Remember that women often operate with an emotional hierarchy and will give most of their attention to the person who triggers the strongest emotional response.

You could try to focus on creating a sense of lack or need within the conversation since without a bit of tension or inadequacy seduction doesn’t really happen, but honestly, I’m not sure why this can’t happen in your own city and in person. Also, from your post, it sounds like you’re pretty focused on relationships and “thinking about the future,” which can sometimes turn women off early on.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

I am not sure what the main focus of the app is, but generally, it's advised to text with a purpose (making plans, keeping in touch, build connection). In online dating, the main goal is usually to get off the app and meet in person as soon as possible since conversations usually become mundane.

However, since these women are not asking you any questions and they’re super far away, the reasons I can think of why they are not asking you any questions is because they might just be staying within the premise of the app and not treating it as a real dating platform, meaning they’re casually chatting without serious intent. Another possibility is that they’re not actually attracted to you or trying to seduce you. When a woman is genuinely interested it usually shown through reciprocal effort. Lastly, they might be inundated with so many conversations that yours feels expendable unless you immediately stand out. Remember that women often operate with an emotional hierarchy and will give most of their attention to the person who triggers the strongest emotional response.

You could try to focus on creating a sense of lack or need within the conversation since without a bit of tension or inadequacy seduction doesn’t really happen, but honestly, I’m not sure why this can’t happen in your own city and in person. Also, from your post, it sounds like you’re pretty focused on relationships and “thinking about the future,” which can sometimes turn women off early on.

Thanks for the thoughtful comment.

Yeah with this specific app, the chicks are far away but it's a soft understanding that dating is a possibility. Every once in a while, you'll hear about people falling in love on that app and they go through the romantic journey of trying to find eachother internationally.

They come from a culture I understand quite well since I kind of grew up in it myself.

Yeah, I'm focused on relationships but I'm not really needy. I'm also not in a rush per say. It's just that I get turned off by the dry tonality of it all. It's just tough because chicks in my city are not marriage material. My type is the girls from my culture so I'm probably gonna have to leave the country again at some point in the near future.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

I just need tricks, tips and anecdotes about guys who have experience successfully training a younger chick to be on par with them.

 

[Solomon]

What you’re describing isn’t unusual, man. A few things stand out:

1. Interview mode is normal at first. Especially online. Most women get flooded with messages, so their guard is up. They’ll answer, but they won’t invest deeply until they see you’re consistent, not needy, and actually worth engaging with. That’s not necessarily disinterest it’s self-protection.
2. Your enthusiasm is way higher than theirs. You’re already imagining the future with women you’ve known for 3–5 days. They don’t know you yet. That mismatch makes you feel like they’re under-investing, but really, you’re over-investing too fast.
3. Age & life stage matter. You’re 30, thinking about the future. They’re 20–22, maybe still in college, maybe just figuring life out. They’re not going to be as intentional or forward-looking as you are.
4. “Making it about her” isn’t simpy. That’s just rapport-building. But it has to be balanced. If she never engages back after time, then yeah, it’s one-sided. But don’t expect reciprocity right away see if it builds once comfort and trust are there.
5. Don’t take it personal. It’s not that they’re disrespecting you. It’s that they don’t know you. Chemistry isn’t always instant, especially online. If you want “instant spark,” you’ll mostly find it with women who aren’t getting a ton of attention (which usually less conventionally attractive).
6. Action step: Give it a couple days or several If they still don’t reciprocate, walk away. But don’t waste energy forcing people to match your vibe in week one. Build, observe, and if it’s lopsided long-term, cut it off without bitterness.

Bottom line: you’re not doing anything “wrong,” but your pace and expectations are setting you up for frustration. Slow it down, let them come forward at their own speed, and only invest more when they start to.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

What you’re describing isn’t unusual, man. A few things stand out:

1. Interview mode is normal at first. Especially online. Most women get flooded with messages, so their guard is up. They’ll answer, but they won’t invest deeply until they see you’re consistent, not needy, and actually worth engaging with. That’s not necessarily disinterest it’s self-protection.
2. Your enthusiasm is way higher than theirs. You’re already imagining the future with women you’ve known for 3–5 days. They don’t know you yet. That mismatch makes you feel like they’re under-investing, but really, you’re over-investing too fast.
3. Age & life stage matter. You’re 30, thinking about the future. They’re 20–22, maybe still in college, maybe just figuring life out. They’re not going to be as intentional or forward-looking as you are.
4. “Making it about her” isn’t simpy. That’s just rapport-building. But it has to be balanced. If she never engages back after time, then yeah, it’s one-sided. But don’t expect reciprocity right away see if it builds once comfort and trust are there.
5. Don’t take it personal. It’s not that they’re disrespecting you. It’s that they don’t know you. Chemistry isn’t always instant, especially online. If you want “instant spark,” you’ll mostly find it with women who aren’t getting a ton of attention (which usually less conventionally attractive).
6. Action step: Give it a couple days or several If they still don’t reciprocate, walk away. But don’t waste energy forcing people to match your vibe in week one. Build, observe, and if it’s lopsided long-term, cut it off without bitterness.

Bottom line: you’re not doing anything “wrong,” but your pace and expectations are setting you up for frustration. Slow it down, let them come forward at their own speed, and only invest more when they start to.

Gold. Thanks for that.

I appreciate the thoughtful answer.

I think the main theme is to calibrate expectations big time. There is a definite mismatch in terms of expectations here and I'm just not used to it as someone who is going from heavy daygame now into international online game w/ an age-gap.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

What you’re describing isn’t unusual, man. A few things stand out:

1. Interview mode is normal at first. Especially online. Most women get flooded with messages, so their guard is up. They’ll answer, but they won’t invest deeply until they see you’re consistent, not needy, and actually worth engaging with. That’s not necessarily disinterest it’s self-protection.
2. Your enthusiasm is way higher than theirs. You’re already imagining the future with women you’ve known for 3–5 days. They don’t know you yet. That mismatch makes you feel like they’re under-investing, but really, you’re over-investing too fast.
3. Age & life stage matter. You’re 30, thinking about the future. They’re 20–22, maybe still in college, maybe just figuring life out. They’re not going to be as intentional or forward-looking as you are.
4. “Making it about her” isn’t simpy. That’s just rapport-building. But it has to be balanced. If she never engages back after time, then yeah, it’s one-sided. But don’t expect reciprocity right away see if it builds once comfort and trust are there.
5. Don’t take it personal. It’s not that they’re disrespecting you. It’s that they don’t know you. Chemistry isn’t always instant, especially online. If you want “instant spark,” you’ll mostly find it with women who aren’t getting a ton of attention (which usually less conventionally attractive).
6. Action step: Give it a couple days or several If they still don’t reciprocate, walk away. But don’t waste energy forcing people to match your vibe in week one. Build, observe, and if it’s lopsided long-term, cut it off without bitterness.

Bottom line: you’re not doing anything “wrong,” but your pace and expectations are setting you up for frustration. Slow it down, let them come forward at their own speed, and only invest more when they start to.

On the topic, do u have any playful ways to call out a girl that isn't reciprocating? (yet who is still highly responsive but only if you initiate)

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Sparta,
Perfectly normal,I checked out many Filipinas before my trip to visit the Philippines and I had the same reaction as you....I put it down to English being a second language,don't read too much into it.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

Hi Sparta,
Perfectly normal,I checked out many Filipinas before my trip to visit the Philippines and I had the same reaction as you....I put it down to English being a second language,don't read too much into it.

Good to hear. Yeah, that was also one of my suspicions. They probably don't even think in english in their heads.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Can someone explain why girls only answer questions but don't ask much in return?

Sounds like you allowed Matt and Justus https://youtube.com/shorts/BBlwahYDV-A?si=G3rJchS4mIpCOjHu to set you up with a dead ringer for Margarey Tyrell

 

[Solomon]

On the topic, do u have any playful ways to call out a girl that isn't reciprocating? (yet who is still highly responsive but only if you initiate)

"You don't talk much do you?" or something cheeky like that, you can't force a woman to invest if she doesn't know you or doesn't know if it's worht it

Really it's a situational thing, personally for me, I do not waste much time on women who are not showing high interest or are not intelligent enough to have a conversation.I get bored very easily, luckily

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You aren't doing it right if this is the case consistently. It's a sign they lack actual interest in you and you should stop wasting time on them.

 

[Divorced w 3]

As I say to anyone with an observable issue, such as this...if you want to post chats, we can help you see what's going on

As others have mentioned, the world is full of people - if you're not being fun, why waste the energy responding back? Sounds like a lot of people are holding out hope you're going to shock them with something clever or maybe are single-word answering you - sometimes folks are literally just lazy / like the dopamine hit of having folks in their inbox - if they're keeping you along without asking you anything, you're probably an ego boost on the inbox count

Take it for what it is - just honest criticism - you came to get better let's get you on that path - post chats

 

[Divorced w 3]

Try saying 'so when are you taking me out for a slice and a soda'...lol that's a great starting point

 

[Solomon]

You aren't doing it right if this is the case consistently. It's a sign they lack actual interest in you and you should stop wasting time on them.

In OP's defense, there are a lot of women, who on OLD that hardly try, and it's like pulling teeth, what I found works for me is women who are from a certain niche(big booty nerdy anime girls) they tend to fit my communication and compatibility style better. One thing that's seldom talked about on sosuave is that a lot of women you match or even date via OLD you're not going to be compatible with at all and that includes communication style. The older I get the more it makes sense as OLD is about communication. Not saying OP may not be dry, but what works on one chick doesn't always work with the next and so forth etc.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

In OP's defense, there are a lot of women, who on OLD that hardly try, and it's like pulling teeth, what I found works for me is women who are from a certain niche(big booty nerdy anime girls) they tend to fit my communication and compatibility style better. One thing that's seldom talked about on sosuave is that a lot of women you match or even date via OLD you're not going to be compatible with at all and that includes communication style. The older I get the more it makes sense as OLD is about communication. Not saying OP may not be dry, but what works on one chick doesn't always work with the next and so forth etc.

Mostly those are the time wasters...there are some portion of women who aren't looking to actually meet up, just chat with guys.