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Old flame back in the picture - how to handle?

MrEkko

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Hope everyone is managing to stay healthy - I'll try to keep this brief.

I dated this girl for a couple of months last spring (OLD), before she became distant and suggested we stay friends. I had become a bit too invested, maybe even developed oneitis, and might have come a bit too strong so you can say I had that coming.

We matched again last summer and just had a casual convo and left it there. She has been liking some photos that I've uploaded from recent holidays too.
On the weekend, she texted me on the app again after months, we made some chit chat, I kept it pretty cool with good responses cos I don't feel there's anything at stake now anyway.

Now, I recently texted another girl that I dated last year (she also broke it off) to get a drink and catch up on a completely friendly basis just to see what she is up to after I saw her randomly on the street. We ended up having sex after the drinks and have been since then, so I am feeling kinda hot now and want to try it again with this one.

What do you think the best approach is here? She told me she's coming back from her home town on the weekend so I thought to either text her then and suggest we go for a walk or something (unfortunately no drinking potential atm due to lockdown), or let a couple of weeks pass and do it then? We playfully said that we can go for a distanced walk to catch up again.

I anticipate you might say I should leave it and that she will reach out if she is interested, but I am seeing this from a nothing to lose approach. I don't care what the response will be, and I have a number of plates available at the moment anyway, I just want to give it a go and see what happens cos I don't see a any downside here.
 

Black Widow Void

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It's only been 30 minutes since your posting, but I'm betting the "ignore her" responses will be happening soon.
Because you want to give this another round, I'll give it a shot.,
Unfortunately, there's no 'one size fits all" advice on these things.
Instead, my suggestion is to pay attention to her recent patterns/reactions.
For instance; She initially ended things the first go-round.
What has changed since then?
Did you change your approach?
If not, is she looking for attention?
If your approach is different, then pay attention to past approaches/reactions that worked against you and also the ones that worked to your advantage.

Tempting as it may be, I'm thinking that if you do the reaching out (while she's in town for the weekend) this will place you at a disadvantage (she dissed you once before). However, if *she* reaches out, you have better 'leverage.'

If you do reach out (and I'm betting that you will) ... try something like this...
"Hey, hope you have fun in town. Wish I had time for us to hang out, but plans got in the way. If something changes, I'll let you know) ."
(this is a good way to gauge her interest)
If positive... then later on follow up with...
"Good news. Looks like I have an hour (or two at best) . Let's break some rules and go to the park and drink wine out of paper cups. "
If she accepts, she knows you are on limited time.. keep it fun and she'll likely 'compete' (if you know what I mean) to keep you around longer than your time constraint.
 

derby1

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when a woman contacts you

1)presume she is just checking you still fancy her......

2) presume she has lost one of her 100 orbiters and the 99 needs topping back up

act accordingly
 

Caelum

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when a woman contacts you

1)presume she is just checking you still fancy her......

2) presume she has lost one of her 100 orbiters and the 99 needs topping back up

act accordingly
I don't feel that way at all. She don't have to contact you couse she allready have lots of guys. I always assume they are reaching out and after I've talked to her and the convo is about to end I just ask "so I guess you want to meet up couse you texted me". And it works 99% of the time.
 

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deadmasterx

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I follow the philosophy of "if she reach you out, take this opportunity to turn into something interesting". Gladly, you already did it with one, now there's one more to go. Let her come to you, don't start chasing her, but when she come, take the opportunity and do something interesting. Simple as that.

It's only been 30 minutes since your posting, but I'm betting the "ignore her" responses will be happening soon.
Hahaha yeah, but I'd recommend you to not be so extreme like that. Take it cool, sometimes you want a girl in specific, sometimes any will do. If you're not getting hurt (investing emotionally) or frustrated, it can't be bad right? So keep it cool, take the opportunities, next time she reach you out you'll get a date with her, and by the end of the night you'll get her burning in desire for you. That's the mindset.

I anticipate you might say I should leave it and that she will reach out if she is interested, but I am seeing this from a nothing to lose approach. I don't care what the response will be, and I have a number of plates available at the moment anyway, I just want to give it a go and see what happens cos I don't see a any downside here.
Tbh chasing isn't quite a good idea. Just get the picture, she comes back to your life all of sudden and you're already running after to try something. I particularly wouldn't do it, but if you manage a way to do it without looking needy or desperate to get something from her, go for it. My tip is that if she didn't reach you in one week, send her a text or a "all of sudden" call, have a short good time on it and already arrange a way to meet her in person.
 

derby1

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that way at all. She don't have to contact you couse she allready have lots of guys.
women need constant validation it is 2020 and half of them are mentally ill. I didn't say Dont. you will notice i said "presume" then i said act accordingly......this way you will negotiate your time and life knowing her intentions.
 

MrEkko

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women need constant validation it is 2020 and half of them are mentally ill. I didn't say Dont. you will notice i said "presume" then i said act accordingly......this way you will negotiate your time and life knowing her intentions.
Agreed, she definitely wants attention, no questioning about that. I’m just thinking if and how I can make the best for me out of this situation.
 

dude99

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Best approach is complete indifference.
Do not chase. Let her do the work for you. If she is interested it will be noticed. If she just wants validation she will fade and disappear again.

Invest nothing. Have a idgaf attitude towards it. Her intentions will become clear with her attitude.
 

Alvafe

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Best approach is complete indifference.
Do not chase. Let her do the work for you. If she is interested it will be noticed. If she just wants validation she will fade and disappear again.

Invest nothing. Have a idgaf attitude towards it. Her intentions will become clear with her attitude.
best aproach was if he not even considerating since he already have others plates.

my answer to old flames are always just toss water over it and move on, remember the issue with make it end, yeah don't matter what that didn't change so move on,
 

oldmanofthesea

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Not trying to sound rude but I don't understand what all that history you outlined has any impact on how you should operate with this girl?

It's simple: You ask a girl out on a date and anything other than a yes means you hard-next them. Why do you feel it should be any different with this girl?

No socially distanced walks or skype dates either.
 

jaymbrs

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From experience, when an old flame reappears, it's because she's looking to get laid usually resulting from a break up or something along those lines, meaning she's not looking for a relationship so let that go. What you need to do is keep the contact very minimal and strike fast. The longer you wait, the likelier she'll friendzone you.
 

Glassguy

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Not trying to sound rude but I don't understand what all that history you outlined has any impact on how you should operate with this girl?

It's simple: You ask a girl out on a date and anything other than a yes means you hard-next them. Why do you feel it should be any different with this girl?

No socially distanced walks or skype dates either.
I agree.

Strong frame = you do what YOU want. If you want to invite her out for a drink, do it. If you want to be hard to get and be indifferent, do it.

The main thing is that you be OUTCOME INDIFFERENT with her and all other women.

Your emotions should be the same if they tell you YES or NO to the drinks invitation. Move on from there.
 

MrEkko

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Not trying to sound rude but I don't understand what all that history you outlined has any impact on how you should operate with this girl?

It's simple: You ask a girl out on a date and anything other than a yes means you hard-next them. Why do you feel it should be any different with this girl?

No socially distanced walks or skype dates either.
unfortunately a proper date is not possible due to lockdown, a walk is the best thing possible.
 

oldmanofthesea

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unfortunately a proper date is not possible due to lockdown, a walk is the best thing possible.
Really? Didn't you say you just hooked up with another girl? That requires seeing her and touching her and finding a place to sleep with her.

If you are TRULY on lock-down and people can't go outside except to by food or go to the doctor, then put romance on hold until you can.
 

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MrEkko

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Really? Didn't you say you just hooked up with another girl? That requires seeing her and touching her and finding a place to sleep with her.

If you are TRULY on lock-down and people can't go outside except to by food or go to the doctor, then put romance on hold until you can.
that was right before lockdown and I’ve just been going to hers since.

we can still go out, but I mean I can’t have a drinks date where I operate best, and asking her to come straight to mine will not get a positive answer after a year of not seeing each other.
 

oldmanofthesea

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Then I would just wait until you can go out and have drinks or at least do something else where physical escalation and romance can be involved (something at night). Don't worry that you are going to "lose her" by not reaching out to her. You are more likely to lose her by deliberately trying to keep her warm during a time that you can't see her F2F in a meaningful way. Avoid all interactions that have no potential to escalate and build tension. A distanced walk just won't do that. I understand you are trying to work within the reality of the current lockdown situation but best to just wait.
 

MrEkko

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Then I would just wait until you can go out and have drinks or at least do something else where physical escalation and romance can be involved (something at night). Don't worry that you are going to "lose her" by not reaching out to her. You are more likely to lose her by deliberately trying to keep her warm during a time that you can't see her F2F in a meaningful way. Avoid all interactions that have no potential to escalate and build tension. A distanced walk just won't do that. I understand you are trying to work within the reality of the current lockdown situation but best to just wait.
i think that makes sense. Escalation will be very difficult, if not impossible, if we are just sitting in a park and it’s not that I’m interested in knowing how her life is going anyway.

An out of the blue direct text when things are better asking to go out is a solid approach.
 

Dash Riprock

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I anticipate you might say I should leave it and that she will reach out if she is interested, but I am seeing this from a nothing to lose approach. I don't care what the response will be, and I have a number of plates available at the moment anyway, I just want to give it a go and see what happens cos I don't see a any downside here.
I like this approach and use it often in LIFE. I call it the "Brett Favre." Take what you want and take chances and risks. Know the odds are against you before you begin. As you wrote, you have nothing to lose, so if you can handle the probable rejection or flaking, pursue (not chase) her and see what happens. Your insecurities and missteps from the previous encounters may be minimized with time.

Here's how I would do it:

Reply to her most recent text with something like: "Hey, I'm going hiking on this trail on this date and time. Would be cool if you could join me. I do hope you can climb a tree as I did see a sasquatch there last time (or something funny/sarcastic). Don't worry, I'll bring the bananas. I'll pack lunch for us. Ciao, Mr. Ekko."

This way, you're doing this hike with or without her and you're just inviting her along. If she does deny you or flakes, do a HARD NEXT. Plus women love outdoor adventure dates, so be the guide, the man, and take care of the food. Show her you can choose, plan, and follow-through. Plus, it's outdoors which lessens the transmission of COVID-19.

Good luck.
 

Barrister

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unfortunately a proper date is not possible due to lockdown, a walk is the best thing possible.
Why do people keep saying this? I have two dates with two different women set up for this upcoming weekend. If they're interested they aren't going to care about Covid-19 protocols.
 
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