Okay...woman asking for input from the fellas

[Wyldfire]

Let's say you had developed a very close and special friendship with a woman on the other side of the country over almost 5 years. You connected emotionally, mentally and based on photos, physically, but hadn't actually met in person yet. So you go through a really bad experience and aren't able to reach this friend. You discover that when times are bad, she's the one you really need to talk to and realize that she meant far more to you than you knew. She told you after a year or so that she knew she loved you, but wasn't sure in which way. After about 4 years, she figures out that she loves you as more than a friend and tells you that. You sort of admit that you share those feelings.

You admit all your deep, dark secrets to her, tell her she's the only one you actually listen to and she still feels the same way about you despite your short comings. She makes no attempt to change you or take advantage of you letting yourself be vulnerable. She doesn't nag and is just there for you, unconditionally. After a month or so, you ask her the hypothetical question of whether or not she could ever "put up" with you, knowing all those secrets and such. She responds by spelling out very clearly the things she could not tolerate, a short and fair list, entirely reasonable that involves her making some very significant compromises that she had never been willing to make for anyone else. Aside from the short list, she tells you that she can't move from the general area she lives now because it would separate her young daughter from her father and his family. But she is willing to move to an area within a reasonable distance to her daughter's family that would better suit your tastes.

Now, instead of commenting on the email listing how she can compromise, you sort of push really hard to convince her that she needs to move from the area she lives now to really be happy, but without really giving a solid reason why. She lives in a rural area and you are a city person.

Now for the question...why are you pushing her to move?

And yes, I am the "she" in this scenario. I don't want advice...I just want to see if my take on the situation is the same as anyone compelled to respond. I've told him that it would be easier to discuss the situation if he just tells me exactly what's on his mind, but I refuse to push him for a response. In the event that I don't get one, I'm going to have to go on my instincts and I want to try to make sure I get it right.

 

[Wyldfire]

Okay, you guys are reading this, but saying nothing.

Cowards...lol

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
Okay, you guys are reading this, but saying nothing.

Cowards...lol

We're not cowards. We just won't presume to speak for another guy. Nor is your particular plight all that interesting.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by squirrels
We're not cowards. We just won't presume to speak for another guy. Nor is your particular plight all that interesting.

Oh come on...it's more interesting than "How can I tell if she likes me?" and other such posts. Apparently I should have posted this in the "Mature" section.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
Oh come on...it's more interesting than "How can I tell if she likes me?" and other such posts. Apparently I should have posted this in the "Mature" section.

Apparently you shouldn't have posted it on a forum where GUYS talk about seducing/attracting GIRLS.

You want an honest opinion? Your boy sounds terribly chumpish. "Oh, you're the ONLY one who understands me...could you ever see it in your heart to put up with me?" *puke*

He's pushing you to move because he's fallen on hard times and he's desperate for the affection he had with you.

Or maybe he has been sitting there the whole time creating fantasy worlds with you and him and comparing everything he ever sees/does to that fantasy-reality until he gets so depressed he can't stand to do anything in life except think about you. You become like an addiction to him. He essentially decides to "sell out" on you and begs you to move across the country to be with him, not realizing that you can't POSSIBLY live up to the fantasy he's made you out to be.

You have NEVER EVEN MET this guy and you're ready to pack up and move out to live with him based on his "pushing really hard to convince you", when he "won't give you a reason"? When he can't even muster the balls to come out and say that he wants to be with you?

I think you know the answer to the question and you're hoping someone will tell you different because 1) you feel bad for the poor guy and 2) something in you really wants to believe that this is the "magic love" that you've been looking for. Something in you is so desperate to find "true love" that you're willing to close your eyes to the real world and throw yourself at this blind chance when you know FULL WELL that if you OPENED your eyes you'd see that this guy cannot possibly fulfill your romantic needs.

I'm not saying he's not a nice, caring guy who would make a great friend, but if you REALLY wanted him, you wouldn't be asking this question, and we both know it.

It's okay to dream. But do it with your eyes open.

 

[SheepSter]

LMAOROFL, I was correct you do "fancy" the AFC charm LOL

 

[Wyldfire]

No, he's not a chump at all. In fact, he's one of those guys blessed with being naturally successful with women without ever visiting a site such as this.

He isn't one to seek out women online, he's deliciously gorgeous, intelligent, witty, charming, sarcastic, funny, etc. If he weren't, he wouldn't have held my attention beyond 5 minutes. If we didn't click so well we wouldn't have continued to talk for all these years. I have had a boyfriend over this period of time, he had a live in girlfriend and we've both dated people (although I have done so on a much smaller scale and didn't like anyone I dated enough to see again). So, it's not anything at all like you're picturing it. It's exactly as I described it. There's something very unique and special that we share on many levels, even without seeing each other in person. I might add that we are both 30 years old or above.

Yes, I got the impression that he wants me to compromise more and be willing to move to where he is. As much as I love him, I don't think I could do that. He knows that, though. So while I think he's looking for me to compromise more, he might also be not coming out and asking because he's not sure he wants to hear the answer.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by SheepSter
LMAOROFL, I was correct you do "fancy" the AFC charm LOL

No, I don't "fancy" effeminate men, thank you very much.

He actually gets hit on by the kind of women you all chase all the time and turns them down.

 

[SheepSter]

I don't chase women, like yourself they qualify to me.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by SheepSter
I don't chase women, like yourself they qualify to me.

Sorry...wrong again...I do NOT chase anyone.

And I wouldn't "qualify" to you, I assure you.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
He isn't one to seek out women online, he's deliciously gorgeous, intelligent, witty, charming, sarcastic, funny, etc. If he weren't, he wouldn't have held my attention beyond 5 minutes. If we didn't click so well we wouldn't have continued to talk for all these years. I have had a boyfriend over this period of time, he had a live in girlfriend and we've both dated people (although I have done so on a much smaller scale and didn't like anyone I dated enough to see again). So, it's not anything at all like you're picturing it. It's exactly as I described it. There's something very unique and special that we share on many levels, even without seeing each other in person. I might add that we are both 30 years old or above.

How do you know this? YOU'VE NEVER MET HIM!!!

Whether he gets a lot of women is irrelevant. What's happening is that he's so sold out on you (or at least the impression he has of you since HE'S NEVER MET YOU) that he compares every woman he meets to that impression and they all come up short in his mind.

You said yourself that "times are bad." That plus his attitude says DESPERATION. Maybe he CAN get all the women that any normal guy would want, but from what you've said, this is not a normal guy (assuming you're right about him, you know, having NEVER MET HIM and all). He doesn't WANT all those women. He wants this fantasy girl who's in another part of the country that HE'S NEVER MET.

You think this is the one, then fine. But please, MEET him first, spend some time with him and see if the reality measures up to the fantasy. You can send pics and E-mails and sh!t all you want, but until you MEET the person and SPEND TIME with them, you won't know if you can see spending time with them in the future until you spend time together in the present.

I think that both of you need that reality check before you decide to go on.

And I think you should be careful because it sounds like having dealt with all kinds of women, he may be building you up to be the fantasy girl who can provide him with everything these women could not...possibly TOO much. The way he's talking, the way it sounds like he's putting you up on a pedestal (talking about how he wishes you could "put up" with him, telling you his "deep, dark secrets", saying you're the ONLY one who understands him), I think he may be putting too much on your shoulders. He may be hinging his happiness on your presence.

Relationships don't work when people NEED each other. Only when they WANT each other. Although this sounds like something straight out of a chick-flick or trashy romance novel, I think you need to open your eyes and see if the dream persists.

 

[Aztec]

Originally posted by Wyldfire

Now for the question...why are you pushing her to move?

1. Because I'm lazy and I don't want to compromise.

2. Despite knowing that you and your ex are history I may still feel a little insecure about the possibilities of you two getting back because of a common denominator (no respect to you and your daughter).

3. Don't really want to leave the city area or be close to a country. Smell of cow dung in the morning doesn't really appeal to me.

* Nice to see you still floating around Wyldfire. Please empty your PM box.

 

[Don_Marko]

Originally posted by Wyldfire


Now for the question...why are you pushing her to move?

Well I got nothing to lose, nothing to risk.. and if you move I get a friend, emotional support and sex whenever I feel like it. So uhm... why WOULDN'T I push for the move?

Isn't it pretty to fantasize and build up a person you've never met before? Under the haze of imaginative infatuation its just what you've been looking for all these years ........

 

[Wyldfire]

No, no, no...you seriously have got it ALL wrong, lol. The "bad time" I referred to was a couple of incidents that caused him to take a hard, serious look at himself, his life and the choices he was making. He's not desperate, isn't "needy" and basically just realized I meant more to him than he knew because he wasn't able to reach me for awhile and he'd always taken my availability to him for granted. It was during the brief "rough time" that I was not there for him. Neither one of us are "needy"...in fact, we're both fiercely independent and don't like being tied down.

We've spent almost 5 years building a solid friendship (always with romantic/sexual overtones), have spent up to 5 or 6 hours on the phone several times a week. We've covered about every subject imaginable and there's absolutely no question that we connect emotionally, mentally, our views on most things, all that stuff is there.

And I know that until we actually meet in person there's no way to be certain about physical chemistry. We've discussed that, too. That's why my first post said "based on photos" the attraction is there.

Give me some credit...I'm not an idiot and already considered the whole "being put on a pedestal" thing. I've voiced that concern to him as well...and I don't believe it's an issue. He sees my flaws as clearly as I see his, because we discuss those things as well.

I have been the reason we haven't met. He's offered to fly me there and come visit me numerous times. I haven't been ready. I was engaged for 5 years to a man who was shot to death, and I had to move beyond that. There has also been my concern that the barriers couldn't be overcome and I didn't want to know what I would be missing.

The comments he has made to me that some consider "AFC-ish" have taken a very long time for him to make, even though I suspect he's felt them for quite some time. We've both been VERY cautious, almost too cautious. His ways of making them have been somewhat vague and in a fairly ****y manner.

Basically, this is a case of two "natural DJ-types" (not AFC's at all) getting to know each other over a number of years and after about 4 years realizing and acknowledging that there's something significant there that should really be explored further.

 

[squirrels]

Just because you're both DJs doesn't mean that one of you couldn't "slip" given the right circumstance. The reason I've taken an interest in this is because it hits a little close to home. Only yesterday I realized something about myself somewhat related to this kind of thing.

But you both seem to know what you're doing...all I'm saying is meet each other first. And do it with your eyes open. If all you see is well, then do what you want to do.

Good luck.

 

[Wyldfire]

Re: Re: Okay...woman asking for input from the fellas

Originally posted by Aztec
1. Because I'm lazy and I don't want to compromise.

2. Despite knowing that you and your ex are history I may still feel a little insecure about the possibilities of you two getting back because of a common denominator (no respect to you and your daughter).

3. Don't really want to leave the city area or be close to a country. Smell of cow dung in the morning doesn't really appeal to me.

* Nice to see you still floating around Wyldfire. Please empty your PM box.

PM box emptied...didn't realize it was full.

He's not lazy at all, but it could be that he doesn't want to compromise.

He knows my daughter's father is no risk. In all my life I've had only one 1 (well, 2) night stand...and my little girl was the outcome. Her father and I have no emotional history and no romantic interest in each other. This one isn't it. And he's not at all insecure and doesn't feel threatened by that sort of thing.

I think number 3 is close to the mark. He has said that he doesn't like living in rural areas, which is why I said I would be willing to compromise and move to a more populated area that is still close enough the my girl's father and family so that she can see them.

 

[Wyldfire]

Re: Re: Okay...woman asking for input from the fellas

Originally posted by Don_Marko
Well I got nothing to lose, nothing to risk.. and if you move I get a friend, emotional support and sex whenever I feel like it. So uhm... why WOULDN'T I push for the move?

Isn't it pretty to fantasize and build up a person you've never met before? Under the haze of imaginative infatuation its just what you've been looking for all these years ........

Actually, I would not be anyone's "sex whenever I want it" friend.

Both he and I are far more saavy than you give us credit for. No one was professing undying love for anyone after a month of talking. It took 4 years for anyone to even fess up to those feelings, and even then it was cautiously.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by squirrels
Just because you're both DJs doesn't mean that one of you couldn't "slip" given the right circumstance. The reason I've taken an interest in this is because it hits a little close to home. Only yesterday I realized something about myself somewhat related to this kind of thing.

But you both seem to know what you're doing...all I'm saying is meet each other first. And do it with your eyes open. If all you see is well, then do what you want to do.

Good luck.

Oh, I don't foresee either of us dropping everything and doing anything rash without getting together a few times first. And it's still unclear if all the barriers can even be overcome. I just wanted to find out if others saw the same thing "between the lines" that I was pretty sure I was seeing. And thanks...good luck to you too.

 

[Wyldfire]

Hey, is Pook still around? I'd like his input on this, especially since he has a pretty firm understanding of how I am, well, at least as much as one can on a message board.

Oh Pook...c'mon buddy, what do you have to say about this?

 

[Aztec]

Re: Re: Re: Okay...woman asking for input from the fellas

Originally posted by Wyldfire
PM box emptied...didn't realize it was full.

He's not lazy at all, but it could be that he doesn't want to compromise.

He knows my daughter's father is no risk. In all my life I've had only one 1 (well, 2) night stand...and my little girl was the outcome. Her father and I have no emotional history and no romantic interest in each other. This one isn't it. And he's not at all insecure and doesn't feel threatened by that sort of thing.

I think number 3 is close to the mark. He has said that he doesn't like living in rural areas, which is why I said I would be willing to compromise and move to a more populated area that is still close enough the my girl's father and family so that she can see them.

My suggestions weren't really in sequence. My reasonings would be 2-3-then 1. I wouldn't choose Number 2 if I knew that you don't have emotional attachments with your daughter's father. Because I would try to sever anything that may trigger emotions without hurting the child.

On number 3, I wouldn't mind living in rural area if the commute to work isn't that bad. Yes I like the smell of farm animals and grass in the morning.