NoFap challenge for personal growth

[Ricky]

Ive given up alcohol and coffee for a month so may as well try a nofap month sometime...

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

well I fell off the wagon. for almost two weeks i've been in all sorts of debauchery. sobriety and abstinence gave me such a raw and honest perspective that i didn't want to do the hard work it takes to be as fulfilled and abundant as i want. that inner ambition to succeed must be satisfied through hard work and no amount of distraction will make it go away. the streak starts again tomorrow.

So what is the endgame of this strategy?

to learn more about myself.

 

[malz1]

Whatever helps you cope in life

 

[Spaz]

Whatever helps you cope in life

Why just settle with cope?

Why not own ur surroundings?

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

Whatever helps you cope in life

ah but fapping IS the coping method.

in these monthly updates i'm going to start including at least one important thing i learned in the last month.

Another month of debauchery. Smoking, fapping, some drinking, the works. and the month FLEW by meaning i challenged myself very little. I developed what i think is a slight pinched nerve in the neck. i believe it's primarily induced by my recent sedentary lifestyle due to sedating myself with smoking/fapping mixed with a stressful desk job. it was quite painful and debilitating with pins and needles shooting up and down my arm to my fingertips. i've been neglecting my body and am paying the price.

it was a bit of a wake up call. i committed to doing yoga every morning before work and within a week the pain began to subside. i started going to the gym again and was shocked at how weak my arm was as a result of the impingement. i was struggling to push half the weight with the affected dominant arm that the non dominant arm could push without issue. it seems my body will complain if i'm in anything but impeccable shape.

the older i get the more i realize that the i can't bounce back as well anymore and that eventually i won't bounce back, i'll die lol. the physical reality of self neglect manifests just as easily as that of self mastery. neglecting the self is not plateauing or taking a break because every minute spent not refining the self is a minute the self weakens. everything in this context can be analogous to a muscle. any practiced train of thought or mindset will be reinforced and come easier, any neglected will be forgotten and lost.

one important thing that i've re-learned in this last month is to listen to my inner voice with a rational mind. i know it seems like common sense but i believe a lot of people lose their ability to listen to this inner feeling rationally and eventually forget how to, like a neglected muscle. they stumble through life frustrated and drowning their sorrows with their vice of choice, simply doing what feels good in the moment and being reactive to their inner voice rather than respectfully listening and meditating on the ideas diligently before making a proactive decision. for example those who have forgotten are the men here that get laid but complain about feeling empty.

my gut voice seems to have very high standards for everything(money, respect, property, attire, knowledge), and it seems that it's the duty of my rational brain to manifest those feelings. that gut voice, that drive, that ambition, is what i've numbed with all the distractions in the world for over a decade because i seem to have conditioned myself to think not only do i not deserve those things, but that i'm shallow or not well in the head for wanting them in the first place. luckily i began the mental work to break this conditioning a few months ago. despite smoking/fapping, i've maintained and even strengthened my resolve and sense of emotional self control(or at least it feels that way).

rather than promise i'll stop doing anything i'll let my actions speak for themselves and always write about them in post. talk is cheap right?

 

[CoolDevil]

ah but fapping IS the coping method.

in these monthly updates i'm going to start including at least one important thing i learned in the last month.

Another month of debauchery. Smoking, fapping, some drinking, the works. and the month FLEW by meaning i challenged myself very little. I developed what i think is a slight pinched nerve in the neck. i believe it's primarily induced by my recent sedentary lifestyle due to sedating myself with smoking/fapping mixed with a stressful desk job. it was quite painful and debilitating with pins and needles shooting up and down my arm to my fingertips. i've been neglecting my body and am paying the price.

it was a bit of a wake up call. i committed to doing yoga every morning before work and within a week the pain began to subside. i started going to the gym again and was shocked at how weak my arm was as a result of the impingement. i was struggling to push half the weight with the affected dominant arm that the non dominant arm could push without issue. it seems my body will complain if i'm in anything but impeccable shape.

the older i get the more i realize that the i can't bounce back as well anymore and that eventually i won't bounce back, i'll die lol. the physical reality of self neglect manifests just as easily as that of self mastery. neglecting the self is not plateauing or taking a break because every minute spent not refining the self is a minute the self weakens. everything in this context can be analogous to a muscle. any practiced train of thought or mindset will be reinforced and come easier, any neglected will be forgotten and lost.

one important thing that i've re-learned in this last month is to listen to my inner voice with a rational mind. i know it seems like common sense but i believe a lot of people lose their ability to listen to this inner feeling rationally and eventually forget how to, like a neglected muscle. they stumble through life frustrated and drowning their sorrows with their vice of choice, simply doing what feels good in the moment and being reactive to their inner voice rather than respectfully listening and meditating on the ideas diligently before making a proactive decision. for example those who have forgotten are the men here that get laid but complain about feeling empty.

my gut voice seems to have very high standards for everything(money, respect, property, attire, knowledge), and it seems that it's the duty of my rational brain to manifest those feelings. that gut voice, that drive, that ambition, is what i've numbed with all the distractions in the world for over a decade because i seem to have conditioned myself to think not only do i not deserve those things, but that i'm shallow or not well in the head for wanting them in the first place. luckily i began the mental work to break this conditioning a few months ago. despite smoking/fapping, i've maintained and even strengthened my resolve and sense of emotional self control(or at least it feels that way).

rather than promise i'll stop doing anything i'll let my actions speak for themselves and always write about them in post. talk is cheap right?

I don't think that talk is cheap for you here. This thread seems to be an effective accountability for you.

I consider this topic to be the "last frontier" of self-discipline. I have reasonable control over a great many things at this stage of my life, but as for "faping," it is the one thing that I'd like to eradicate, predominantly because I envision so many of the potential benefits that you have articulated in such detail here.

My mind starts to stabilize in a clear way when I can get a few days under my belt, but I'd truly like to see what 30 days or a month, or even dramatically longer would reveal in my own personal development. Additionally, I'd like to see how it affects my desire and willingness to talk more to women.

I love working out, cooking, reading, practicing music, singing, drums, guitar etc. In fact, I do preposterous amounts of reading. I want to see how channeling my fap energy into other productive actions/activities can up my game across the whole spectrum of life.

I'm inspired reading about your no-fap journey. Keep us informed.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

I don't think that talk is cheap for you here. This thread seems to be an effective accountability for you.

What I mean by 'talk is cheap' is that talking about what I plan to do is a form of mental masturbation. I get the feel good chemicals rushing through my brain for talking about all the virtuous things I plan to do as if I'd already done them. I see this sort of talk everywhere and it's everyone's undoing. It's much better to simply keep those things to myself. It's less pressure on the self and people are that much more surprised when they see my results. It's also humble and comes across graceful and effortless if I never play it up. After all praise is the goal of weak minds and the spur of noble ones.

I appreciate your kind words. You're right I absolutely write here to keep myself accountable. When I log my activities eventually I get fed up with writing the same thing and it helps push change.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

it's been 22 days since my last smoke(i haven't smoked cigs in years, this was weed).
3 days since my last fap.
this was my plan, to stagger the cessations. i've gone cold turkey on multiple at once and it's absolutely brutal on the body/mind and unnecessary.
the days have been dragging by in an agonizing fashion, which i've learned is good for me...

i went on a retreat to a beach city for a week to kickstart the detox, didn't smoke or drink. contemplated life, worked out on the beach. this was after smoking daily for months as shown by this thread. i had a good time seeing the sights and talked with a bunch of people. two days into the trip i wrote up and sent a long email to the ex about my thoughts about the relationship. she had wanted clarity but then refused to meet up so i thought this was a fair compromise. i wasn't expected a response and said as much in the email. a few days later she responded with an email just as long. i actually made a separate thread about the encounter that happened as a result.

Unrequited Love?

I had my ex over last night. TLDR: we had sex and i felt great for an hour or two after she left but then i felt weird and violated or something and i'm not sure where that feeling is coming from. has anyone had similar and has found out why? The relationship had ended over a year ago and it...

www.sosuave.net

sending that email was a result of the weakness that comes from detoxing after months of smoking. the weakness usually lasts a couple weeks while i readjust and start taking better care of myself. sadly i had her over while in that state as well, so i probably wasn't the sexiest thing in the world. i keep replaying how i could have made the sex better by enjoying myself rather than getting caught up in my head and how feminine i came across in some of my actions(things i would otherwise never think about with other girls, pedestal thinking, the cure is to date other women). i have no intention to reach out to her as the last response i gave her was an open door. i actually saw her across the street on my way home the other day, which is pretty crazy considering this is a city of millions. she noticed me with a glance at a distance just before i noticed her and she acted as if she didn't. she looked away, didn't make eye contact, and began walking briskly in the opposite direction. she may have not actually seen me but i'm pretty sure she did. this avoidance behavior pretty much confirmed what i concluded in that other thread. i will gladly oblige her and give her no attention. always look at actions, not words. i have no intention to reach out to her, but i still have an agenda if she reaches out, to make her submit. her only option to be in my life is to come back submissively, the way i like it. the thing to remember with my ex is transience. she will not be in my life forever no matter what i do, so i need to remember to simply enjoy her when she comes by and quit overthinking things, this is a constant mindful practice at this point. anyway talk about a small world.

another girl that has been testing me for months finally caved and texted me that she wants to fuuck. we had banged once a few months back and i wasn't impressed. over these months i passed all her tests by being playful and never initiating, always doing my own thing, and never meeting her out or otherwise working around her schedule, her only option was to work around mine. once she realized this she directly stated what she wanted, to bang. she gets lots of attention and is super picky about who she sleeps with(or so it seems), and tests hard. but tests are easy to pass when you don't care about the outcome. most of them are passed by being playful or not responding at all. i let her come over and gave her what she wanted but i wasn't really into it. she's slightly older and looks good but has a bit of a prissy attitude.

the last sexual encounter before this was with the ex, who is a much more fun lay, so naturally i'm comparing all lays to what i last considered the best.

two dates lined up for this next week from OLD. one is two years younger, the other 2 years older(although has a rockin bod, beautiful face and a very sweet in comms). i intend to get a photographer for some good pics so that i can appeal to a wider spectrum of younger girls(they tend to be more fickle but some are absolutely great all around packages). i may set the age range higher until i have the new pics up so as not to waste swipes.

i've been doing yoga consistently and my nerve pain is virtually gone. i've been able to start working out again and my weakened arm is slowly recovering back to where it was. the plan is to never stop working out ever again. when i'm feeling down or an urge to fap i go for a jog or workout. a sustained elevated heart rate seems to always pull me out of a down mood. and when the urge to fap passes i feel accomplished. i'll continue dating new women at a rate of at least two per month until i stop putting my ex on a pedestal.

women enjoy when i come with no clear agenda other than to have a good time with plenty of charm. when they hint at sex i subtly capitalize by acknowledging their advances and encouraging them, but make few of my own advances until given very clear signals, and even then i tease. this gives them exactly what they want, a sort of grind to make the eventual sex that much more satisfying.

without the smoke in my system i'm finding my brain is getting less foggy every day. i'm performing better at work and with all my hobbies.

what i'm slowly rediscovering and coming to terms with is how constantly challenging myself and being in an uncomfortable state is what keeps my mind sharp and calm. i relish in the controlled chaos i create for myself because that's where i draw my strength. one issue is how do i determine the ideal intensity of this self challenge? it seems so contextual. the other problem is this is where i start to rationalize dating a less than ideal partner. the strongest man can date the craziest woman, but should he? this was my rationalization for the ex but i slowly started to consider an LTR with her. otherwise what was i doing with her? biding time? more like wasting it.

rather than date crazy women a strong man will naturally date strong women. they will challenge him in healthy ways, rather than in debilitating ways. they will challenge him to make plans together with open communication and stick to those plans. he will feel challenged but at the same time supported and satisfied. a crazy woman will not be able to communicate effectively with her words and will instead be passive aggressive/dramatic with her actions and misleading with her words. but who is to say which challenge is detrimental? can't i benefit from all of them? isn't that why men here remind us that walking away is a powerful and useful option? obviously this isn't binary, women run the gamut between both extremes. women can also move across this spectrum depending on how a man is coming across. again this seems so contextual and multi-dimensional, how can i possibly generalize it?

in these strange contradictory thoughts i begin to humble myself to such an extreme that i begin to doubt my cognition and conclusions. i forget that i'm 205 pounds at 11% body fat, towering an athletic frame over 6 feet, gifted where it counts, with a deep understanding of many sciences, and a useful emotional acuity. it's only when i'm around others or compare myself to others that i have a point of reference, but why is that point of reference so valuable to me? is that not the epitome of external validation? so far a sustained elevated heart rate is the only thing that can reconcile these silly questions. the answer is a care free yet ambitious attitude. willing to own any decision and the consequences there of without hesitation, while not becoming careless.

so it's not enough to challenge myself. i must always be thinking of how to best leverage the challenges available to me. which ones would benefit me most and when is walking the right answer... but this begs the question, what is my goal? indecision is crippling. i have to polarize myself to one path at the expense of another, there is no way to go down both. why is this so hard to accept sometimes? am i afraid of that responsibility? but the freedom of that choice is a luxury!

a sustained elevated heart rate brings me so many answers it's mind boggling. the above was written after a lot of sedentary activity. maybe for my next update i'll go for a jog before posting and reflect on this one.

 

[bcude]

Don't ridicule nofapping. It's one of the best things you can do in a world where overconsumtion of porn and sexual frustration is at its peak. Why? Because it gives motivation and drive to get yourself out of that (often miserable) position where your dopamine levels have gotten all messed up because of the constant release to unrealistic fantasy models on a screen. Motivation, drive and testosterone spikes are just what a person in that position needs to even begin changing his mindset. The benefits are speaking for themselves and there is no downside. It's ****1ng hard enough to do and the last thing he needs is someone coming in and ridiculing his attempts to want to better his life. What does that say about you?
Just the increase in female attention by itself makes it worth it.
Keep going strong @EyeOnThePrize

 

[biggoal]

I also notice when whacking off a lot I tend to get more acne breakouts as well (adult acne) Any correlation to that and whacking?

 

[Poonani Maker]

I lose all motivation to bang chicks if I masturbate. It takes roughly a week to heal myself.

 

[biggoal]

I lose all motivation to bang chicks if I masturbate. It takes roughly a week to heal myself.

Wow. I whack and I don't feel myself losing motivation to want to bang. Again, I'm younger than you though.

 

[Poonani Maker]

Wow. I whack and I don't feel myself losing motivation to want to bang. Again, I'm younger than you though.

Now if I get laid, I want to keep getting laid many times throughout the week. It's a different feeling and you release triple the sperm when doing the real thing.

 

[biggoal]

Now if I get laid, I want to keep getting laid many times throughout the week. It's a different feeling and you release triple the sperm when doing the real thing.

I will say like if I don't whack before bedtime that I feel much more energized in the morning to get going and more motivated to get stuff done.

 

[Kasai]

You motivated me to start again. Good luck with the rest

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

Monthly report(4 days late). I decided to indulge in weed later in the month and with it came some fap and gymless days. Unless I'm on vacation it seems sadly I simply don't have time for weed. If I make time for it during the week I miss out on prime study or side hustle time. That's probably a good thing, I'd much rather be super busy than bored and high all the time.

Occasionally getting high gives me new insights, so I think that draws me to it a bit, but at the same time some of the draw is still that unhealthy crutch mentality of escape. The more I focus on staying completely responsible, the easier it is to get high the right way, at the right time, and for the right reasons.

its only been a few days of nofap, the mind is calm and content, but too comfortable. In a first world country it's easy to do nothing and dramatize petty things. Having your immediate needs met let's you ask yourself big scary questions, and not being able to answer those questions is enough reason to pacify through drugs or sex or anything.

we are antifragile. That is, we benefit and grow from increased entropy, increased challenges. Break a bone and it heals back denser and stronger. Workouts are most effective when you push to failure. Mastering an instrument involves constantly trying new things, constantly sucking. Mastering anything for that matter. We must fail to improve, and fearing that failure is ignorant.

the million dollar question is why torture the self when we all end up in the same grave at roughly the same time? Why should I study and pull my hair out developing some tech, or take cold showers, or spend an hour in the gym every day, in tremendous physical pain, when I could be living the life of a hedonist drug abusing pimp or human trafficker in a poorer country? Because I want a strong mind and body? To what end? It's a losing battle, we all wither and die.

Ah but when I think outside myself, when I forget the ego, and work for something bigger, a strong sense of identity and purpose manifests. When I realize that my hard work in the gym or in the lab has made me an outlier, I feel a duty to practice leadership with my outlier skill set. This doesn't answer the question but it helps to understand how connected we all are, and how important that awareness is. To answer the question more directly I think after a point it makes little difference what I do, as long as I do it well. Every inquiry like this boils down to morals, ethics, love, and fear, very subjective and ephemeral things.

the iron in our red blood cells that binds to oxygen and keeps us alive is only forged in the heart of a supernova. When we really dive into who we are and where we come from, it scares us. Many of us are scared of our own power. We are the universe coming to terms with itself.

Life will treat you as you treat yourself. Your decisions echo in your immediate reality in the most literal way.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

monthly report.
21 days since my last drink
13 days since my last puff
12 days since my last fap
2 weeks of consistent gym(5 days a week)
2 weeks of yoga every work day morning
2 weeks of cyclical keto
4 days of consecutive meditation
down about 10 pounds in 3 weeks, probably mostly water weight due to keto.
207 lbs, probably 11-12% bf, don't care enough to bust out the caliper at this point

i have alcohol and flower in the house, so obviously the cessation is not due to an addiction. i find that keeping them around helps instill self discipline when i can look at them every day and say to myself 'there it is if i ever want it.' then genuinely choose not to use them because i don't feel like it. maybe one day i will, but who cares. high on life at this point.

the days go by smoothly and the month definitely seemed slower. i find myself eager to hit the gym every day, to feel the sting of muscles being pushed to their limits. my job only challenges me mentality, which can feel frustrating at times, but as i'm getting in the rhythm of the gym again i find it to be such a satisfying release that many things are frustrating me less and less. i look forward to those heavy weights. i know that when i get in the gym i'll be able to get all that energy out and leave feeling refreshed, because that's what happens every single time. i've never left the gym saying "i wish i didn't go", it's always "i'm so glad i did that." it's the most useful tool in my arsenal for mental health.

the higher quality food is clearing up my skin again. i've also taken up skin exfoliation since i've never really had the skin i've wanted(although very close last time i did keto). i'm starting to take real joy in bettering myself, and my independence is at the point where i actively dismiss people or events quite often. not to say i'm a hermit, but i'm much more picky and give myself much more time for self development. as a result i end up going to a few social events a month, but they're the best of my options and i have an amazing time. i find i don't really have time for smoking or fapping or even watching television. i'm realizing that my room, my house, the people around me, are all an extension of me, and are meant to be leveraged, inspired, and improved by me. i really have never taken responsibility for these things as i am now. i've installed some custom lighting in my place that i really enjoy. i've stained and re-finished one of my tables that was quite worn, replaced a few old door knobs, and i'm committing almost all of my time to organizing/de-cluttering my belongings and in general upgrading my space. i recently added about 10 slacks and a few dress shirts to my wardrobe and plan to keep upgrading it once a month or so, maybe once every couple months. all i can say is this is self love manifested. my confidence seems to be growing daily and sometimes feels like it's spilling out into other people around me, even indirectly. i'm getting over an angry frustrated phase that lasted about a week(probably withdrawal) and am flowing into a much more easy head space. i'm getting to a point where i laugh off almost everything that used to upset or sadden me. i feel like an extremely low maintenance man with very high standards for himself. they're not standards that i struggle to meet, i enjoy the process of meeting them.

i still have conflicting thoughts at times, and i'd like to make more time to read and write to help solidify these. it's good to be open minded and fluid, but a man should be decisive, and that means he should know himself very well. i have a gratitude journal, a day trading journal, and journal strictly for thoughts about exes and past relationships. i haven't written in any of them in a few days and i've only read one or two briefly in these last couple weeks as refreshers. i think once i'm happy with my reading and writing setting(the lighting in my rooms, my furniture, etc) then i'll be engaging with these more.

i get horny but i'm very relaxed about it, almost resigned to the feeling. it comes and goes and is simply confirmation that i have T and am healthy. i find myself ignoring women because i'm focused on straightening out my immediate surroundings but can sense them in my peripheral eyeing me. sometimes it seems they are purposefully loitering around me, but i don't care enough to confirm. i plan to jump back into some coed activities after i'm satisfied with my clothes, body, and living space(not that i won't stop working on these things, but i'll feel comfortable putting them on the back burner temporarily to let loose and have some fun).

i'm starting to find some of the material being posted on SS to be rudimentary, repetitive, and many times healthy ideas misconstrued into unhealthy ideas. i can tell who has read what material and who hasn't read anything. when the posts are misleading it feels as though even reading it is doing more harm than good, much less attempting to set the record straight. a discussion will lead me to a conclusion that feels intuitively wrong, but i don't devote as much time to rationalizing why it feels wrong as i used to. or i'll know what i believe is the best way to handle something, but i've said a variation of the same in one of my previous posts so it starts to feel like a job or a chore. i'm going to focus on only posting when i enjoy it. i think that'll keep my energy positive in the discussion and make what wisdom i provide more approachable.

there is a big difference between discussing strategies and those strategies coming out of me naturally. my belief is the strategies MUST come naturally, they MUST feel like second nature. they must be easy, effortless, and feel as though they're common sense. and the only way that can happen is after i've taken the time to do what i'm doing now, which is get my personal life on the exact trajectory i want and maintain it.

not to jinx anything but this feels like it'll be a long healthy run of sobriety. i'm really enjoying it and looking forward to continued growth.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

Not even a week after the last update I relapsed on both weed and fapping. It started out harmless and fun, but it very quickly became a daily habit again and sucked me back into a very weak mental space, much more the weed than the fap. I began doing almost nothing with my time, feeling miserable as a result, and even thinking about the ex constantly again as if she was some sort of salvation from this hell. I even reached out to her and arranged a meet. Luckily I politely dismissed myself after a couple very delayed texts from her(despite her agreeing to meet and being polite).

Once again my skin began to break out, my eating habits slipped to junk food, my workouts were inconsistent and I had stopped yoga(which has legitimately saved my life from ungodly pain caused by stress induced muscle tension and pinched nerves). My eyes became sunken, I started developing a slight double chin, and my muscular frame began to whither. The paralyzing nerve pinching pain in my neck that had practically crippled half of my body a few months ago was returning due to the neglect.

Even at work I began to have friction with people. I began to show frustration and a lack of control over myself, and I sensed my social status drop as a result. This has actually cascaded and I feel some grudges are still held against me due to that friction despite correcting myself.

At a certain point after being high for a couple weeks straight I slowed down the weed intake because I knew the trajectory was bad. I sobered up for a day before taking a large dose of lucy to introspect. I walked roughly 15-20 miles while contemplating deeply, trying to absorb everything that was being shown to me. The lucy showed me as it had shown me before, that a positive and healthy trajectory is just as easy as a negative and unhealthy one. It showed me that no matter what the situation, no matter my goals, that the most direct and immediate way I could influence my reality for the better was to cultivate a genuine positive attitude towards others and the challenges I face. It sounds simple but I still forget this. It was a very profound and much needed reminder. It's all in my head after all.

I still smoked afterwards for another day or two while thinking things over.

At one point I looked myself in the mirror and asked if I can take this seriously, since my behavior defines me. Can I stop abusing the seemingly unlimited chances I get in this world? Can I prove to myself that I have the will to stop these detrimental distractions and leverage my mental and physical capacities to their limits? If I doubt myself, my own will, how can I expect anyone else to rely on me or trust me? How can I produce good work? How can I even expect to live a long healthy life and make good choices as a leader? I had never stopped smoking for even a year, I had always relapsed after a couple months out of c0ckiness, could I really do this? These questions picked at me so hard that the high wasn't enjoyable anymore. It's like the saying goes, you cannot escape your ambition.

In that moment I stared myself in the eyes and said "You're damn right I can. 5 years minimum, to prove a point to myself, starting now."

That was 13 days ago. I obviously haven't smoked or fapped since. Once again I'm picking up the pieces. Once again working through forgiving myself. My body was weak on day 1, I couldn't do a single pushup with proper form. It's still weak, I'm still not satisfied, but I see good progress already. I can do roughly 10 sets of 10 pushups in under 15 min. And yet I need to be patient so as not to do too much too fast. Morning yoga and healthy meals are consistent again. I oscillate between feelings of extreme weakness and strength as I transition again to a trajectory I find satisfactory. I've forgiven the people at work that seem to hold me in lower regard. I focus on being a pleasant coworker and don't acknowledge petty grudges. I hold myself in check for doing all this. I am not above others for doing these things, only different, only unique. My chart for grading performance and growth is strictly for myself(unless solicited for advice directly). My trading progresses, my transition to a new role at work progress, and new opportunities are coming out of the woodwork daily. I know what I have to do, all that's left is to do it.

My c0ckiness growing up made me think that I could fool around and catch up later in life. What I underestimated was how much that catching up phase would challenge me. The more I leave it for later, the more will and strength and creativity I need at that later time to make the same amount of progress. And how can I have those characteristics if I neglect their refinement? And now not only do I feel an obligation to 'catch up', but also one to forgive myself and commit to enjoying the journey to this fanciful fuzzy 'ideal' I aim for. Am I BSing myself? Am I too hard on myself? Not hard enough? Doesn't that depend on whos yardstick we're using to grade me?

Everything comes back to refining the same principle: to push myself to my limits, but with the grace of a feather, of a ballet dancer, so as to not self destruct and to recover as effortlessly as possible from my inevitable mistakes. Technique is everything. Calmness is the path to mastery. Patience and flexibility in all things yet conviction and decisiveness in them as well. On the surface it seems one side has to be sacrificed for the other, patience for sternness, strength for technique, but I like to hope that's an illusion. It is as much a sacrifice as is the salt you don't use in baking a cake. You do not sacrifice the salt you do not use, it's simply only beneficial to a point, after which it's detrimental. Finding that point of perfection is my lifelong practice and yet I have to be content with never achieving it, as ideals don't exist in reality. Pushing to subjective perfection relentlessly and willing to throw it all away at any moment, because eventually I'll have to, all while enjoying the ride. What a mind fuuck.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

tomorrow will be day 30 of nofap and day 29 of no weed. the no alcohol counter is up at 66. some profound thoughts came to mind recently that I wanted to make note of.

Self Worth and Awareness

nofap is rewiring me to think more long term. it makes sense since i've stopped the most short term gratification available. i notice that my attention span and patience have increased dramatically. with the short term gratification gone i'm being forced to trust in myself in two ways.

1 - trusting in my ability to know what will make me feel satisfied.
2 - trusting in my ability to follow through despite setbacks and manifest that reality.

we talk about being self validated but our sensory experience is a mechanism for that self validation. the two points above will only be true if i make progress in my reality as i expect it to occur per the plan i've laid out for myself, so my self validation still relies on the feedback of external reality.

i have had feelings of uncertainty and doubt since cessation that would otherwise not be as obvious, but those feelings have pushed me to change my life. it's not bad that i have those feelings, rather i'm grateful for my ability to feel them so strongly. a couple weeks ago i pushed for a change of job title at my company because i felt my talents could be better leveraged in a more involved and challenging role. i took a risk because i believe i deserve better and i believe in my ability to get me there and keep me there. after being put through some trials and passing some challenges(both work related and personal/emotional) i've been granted that new role. the new role comes with an almost 60% pay increase.

while i was initially elated for the bump i quickly came back to earth and started thinking about next steps. what ELSE do i want to fulfill, how will i invest this new financial capacity? i also thought about how much those emotional challenges affected me, how much i identified with them, and so i stay wary. it's said that if you want an entrepreneur to be successful you shouldn't pay him anything. while the pay is great, i must never be completely dependent on it. my emotional response of anxiety during the trials told me that i'm identifying very strongly with how my company identifies me, which i need to focus on reducing. meditation, proper health, diet, exercise, and rest are at the forefront of my mind.

the role being granted has confirmed what i believe about myself. i put out into the universe that i believe to be worth more to the company, and naturally the universe was required to confirm my belief through trials. the money is great but i also did it because it's work that i'm very interested in. i'm willing to bet what i find in the new role will be wildly different from my expectation.

i don't think this role change would be happening had i stayed in a comfortable bubble of fap and weed. i would be too content. the more positive feedback i receive from my hard work of working through the negative feedback, the more self control i feel i have.

awareness manifests self control which manifests self mastery which manifests confidence which manifests abundance, freedom, and creativity.

 

[thonuc]

My no fap crusade would have lasted like a week at most, I can´t make it