No real intimacy

[sickofit]

I'm going to be 31 soon, and I was thinking about how over the course of my life, I haven't felt any real intimacy. When I was in my early twenties, I looked very young for my age and didn't get much attention in general. Dry spells over a year long were common and I felt angry and pent up. During this time I read a lot of red pill content online because I was frustrated to say the least. Then around 26, I started swimming a lot, got in good shape and started to mature. Suddenly I was getting a lot more attention than before and began spending more time on dating apps and hooking up. I traveled a bit and hooked up with girls in South America but this did not magically improve my outlook on women or provide lasting connections. Now that I've slept with around forty women or so, I don't feel the desire to keep increasing my body count when I'm not getting anything out of it emotionally. I know that sounds a bit sappy but it's been on my mind a lot the last year. The dating app thing gets old, even if you're successful on it, you will undoubtedly go through plenty who are major catfishes or just overall not good people and not stable. You have to worry a lot about green card hunters and gold diggers in South America, and the quality of women on the apps where I live in Florida is so dismal there isn't a point in using it at all. I don't meet women in person who share my hobbies either and am not a social butterfly who likes hanging out in big groups all the time. After a certain point, loneliness sets in when you don't have a good support system of regular friends either.

I wanted to share this because I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of thinking that consistent sex will magically make you feel a lot better when you're not having it. It's better to meet someone through shared interests and to be able to hit it off without only thinking about the prospect of sex, and I've realized that if you took the prospect of sex away from all the women I've been with, there was no emotional connection whatsoever, which is unfortunate.

The only way I see myself connecting with a woman is a real way is someone who is off social media, not trying to flex some bull**** image about themselves, not into the trash politics of this day and age, etc. Someone down to earth not putting up a stupid front all the time. But these days I've also been having more trouble finding normal friends, therefore romantic interests are much harder to come by.

 

[Plinco]

I'm going to be 31 soon, and I was thinking about how over the course of my life, I haven't felt any real intimacy. When I was in my early twenties, I looked very young for my age and didn't get much attention in general. Dry spells over a year long were common and I felt angry and pent up. During this time I read a lot of red pill content online because I was frustrated to say the least. Then around 26, I started swimming a lot, got in good shape and started to mature. Suddenly I was getting a lot more attention than before and began spending more time on dating apps and hooking up. I traveled a bit and hooked up with girls in South America but this did not magically improve my outlook on women or provide lasting connections. Now that I've slept with around forty women or so, I don't feel the desire to keep increasing my body count when I'm not getting anything out of it emotionally. I know that sounds a bit sappy but it's been on my mind a lot the last year. The dating app thing gets old, even if you're successful on it, you will undoubtedly go through plenty who are major catfishes or just overall not good people and not stable. You have to worry a lot about green card hunters and gold diggers in South America, and the quality of women on the apps where I live in Florida is so dismal there isn't a point in using it at all. I don't meet women in person who share my hobbies either and am not a social butterfly who likes hanging out in big groups all the time. After a certain point, loneliness sets in when you don't have a good support system of regular friends either.

I wanted to share this because I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of thinking that consistent sex will magically make you feel a lot better when you're not having it. It's better to meet someone through shared interests and to be able to hit it off without only thinking about the prospect of sex, and I've realized that if you took the prospect of sex away from all the women I've been with, there was no emotional connection whatsoever, which is unfortunate.

The only way I see myself connecting with a woman is a real way is someone who is off social media, not trying to flex some bull**** image about themselves, not into the trash politics of this day and age, etc. Someone down to earth not putting up a stupid front all the time. But these days I've also been having more trouble finding normal friends, therefore romantic interests are much harder to come by.

I'm glad you learned this lesson. Ayn Rand said it well,

"The man who despises himself tries to gain self-esteem from sexual adventures—which can’t be done, because sex is not the cause, but an effect and an expression of a man’s sense of his own value . . . "

Let me ask you this OP, what's your vision for your life?

 

[BaronOfHair]

I'm going to be 31 soon, and I was thinking about how over the course of my life, I haven't felt any real intimacy

Cheer up, hoss. You're hardly the first man in history

who's found himself in such a quandary

 

[Clockwerk50]

Making someone fall in love and having quick sex require different strategies.

Short seductions are encounters built on impulse and physical attraction; they mostly satisfy the ego, not the heart. The problem is that what you win quickly, you often lose just as fast. The slower kind, the one that leads to real intimacy, takes time. It’s about being patient, showing you care in small ways, and letting things grow naturally.

With that in mind, it seems either you haven’t found a woman who can hold your interest long enough for a slower pace, or women prefer to keep things brief with you because of red flags they sense.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

1) Develop serious goals for your life that are more important than anything

2) Find a woman that will help you / wants to help you get there



Intimacy is a result of a lot of shared experiences and struggles. Not something you can get from meaningless sex.

Needless to say, real intimacy is getting harder to come by these days in our instant-everything society.

 

[Gamisch]

Making someone fall in love and having quick sex require different strategies.

Short seductions are encounters built on impulse and physical attraction; they mostly satisfy the ego, not the heart. The problem is that what you win quickly, you often lose just as fast. The slower kind, the one that leads to real intimacy, takes time. It’s about being patient, showing you care in small ways, and letting things grow naturally.

With that in mind, it seems either you haven’t found a woman who can hold your interest long enough for a slower pace, or women prefer to keep things brief with you because of red flags they sense.

Yes. My biggest issue with " the manosphere " is that it mainly just the focus on short term gains. But yet ( kudos to OP) this thread is a great one as it dives deeper into the phycology of a mam who does gets laid but "nothing more".

I want my women crying and screaming about losing me..I want them to COMPLETELY lose themselves due to my presence. If I want a quick nut I can visit a" woman of the night". But the sex is mostly lukewarm and bizz, while a woman who actually likes you will be WAY more intensely indulged in the act.

And like you say, it requires a different set of skills, it forces you to be all-round. The crib, the mouthpiece, emotional intelligence ect.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

It seems that you are past the fun stage of life. Look for a woman that is serious person and still can pass boner test. These are not the fun types, but they are worth to pursue. Do not date women past 28y old at your age.

 

[sickofit]

I'm glad you learned this lesson. Ayn Rand said it well,

"The man who despises himself tries to gain self-esteem from sexual adventures—which can’t be done, because sex is not the cause, but an effect and an expression of a man’s sense of his own value . . . "

Let me ask you this OP, what's your vision for your life?

I'm glad you learned this lesson. Ayn Rand said it well,

"The man who despises himself tries to gain self-esteem from sexual adventures—which can’t be done, because sex is not the cause, but an effect and an expression of a man’s sense of his own value . . . "

Let me ask you this OP, what's your vision for your life?

I've made a lot of improvements in my life over the last few years, cut out partying, currently working on a career change. Still have things to work on but generally I've been improving myself. The lack of connection is consistent regardless if I'm doing well or not.

 

[sickofit]

Making someone fall in love and having quick sex require different strategies.

Short seductions are encounters built on impulse and physical attraction; they mostly satisfy the ego, not the heart. The problem is that what you win quickly, you often lose just as fast. The slower kind, the one that leads to real intimacy, takes time. It’s about being patient, showing you care in small ways, and letting things grow naturally.

With that in mind, it seems either you haven’t found a woman who can hold your interest long enough for a slower pace, or women prefer to keep things brief with you because of red flags they sense.

"Short seductions are encounters built on impulse and physical attraction; they mostly satisfy the ego, not the heart."
This 100 percent correct. Could sum up my whole post with that.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Firstly welcome. I commend your candor about your relationship goals. Now you just have to figure out the way to meet a suitable woman.

Meaningless sex is just that: Meaningless. It also exposes you to undue risk. But understand that many men do not have the ability to obtain sex easily, therefore they confer disproportionate value on it, because they don't have it and they assign it as some sort of holy grail. They dream about access to easy sex. They think that is nirvana.

It isn't.

I have stated here countless times over the years that every single player man I know (friends, exes, exes of friends, etc.) has gotten tired of the sex carosel. They really want connection & intimacy at the end of the day.

If you don't believe me, read up or digest content about Paul Zanka (a well known NYC playboy who is now happily married) and Russel Brand (same). Both men have been interviewed on this very topic and might offer OP some insight.

As far as meeting a good woman for something more meaningful?

First adjust your own attitude. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want (make a list of criteria you find important to dial those expectations in....review your list daily - this will train your subconscious or habituate your radar to scan in the background for suitable women).

Secondly cultivate a curiousness or openness to other people. If your attitude and body language are closed off, you lessen your pool of women.

Thirdly understand that most emotionally healthy women are not going to provide you stripper/hooker/porn star experience type sex. That is a fantasy expectation you likely need to release. You can have wonderful meaningful rewarding and intimate sexual experiences with someone who loves you and who you love, You can have great sexual pleasure and novelty in sexual play within an intimate relationship. But you need to be honest with yourself about objective reality too.

You gotta think with more than the trouser snake.

You also need to leave your house & get some kind of social rapport going somewhere. If you skip the online venues and opt for real life, you gotta go do stuff.

Figure out what you like to do and go do that.

I like live music. Unsurprisingly I met my first husband and my current husband at a live music venue.

Food for thought.

 

[Barrister]

I'm going to be 31 soon, and I was thinking about how over the course of my life, I haven't felt any real intimacy. When I was in my early twenties, I looked very young for my age and didn't get much attention in general. Dry spells over a year long were common and I felt angry and pent up. During this time I read a lot of red pill content online because I was frustrated to say the least. Then around 26, I started swimming a lot, got in good shape and started to mature. Suddenly I was getting a lot more attention than before and began spending more time on dating apps and hooking up. I traveled a bit and hooked up with girls in South America but this did not magically improve my outlook on women or provide lasting connections. Now that I've slept with around forty women or so, I don't feel the desire to keep increasing my body count when I'm not getting anything out of it emotionally. I know that sounds a bit sappy but it's been on my mind a lot the last year. The dating app thing gets old, even if you're successful on it, you will undoubtedly go through plenty who are major catfishes or just overall not good people and not stable. You have to worry a lot about green card hunters and gold diggers in South America, and the quality of women on the apps where I live in Florida is so dismal there isn't a point in using it at all. I don't meet women in person who share my hobbies either and am not a social butterfly who likes hanging out in big groups all the time. After a certain point, loneliness sets in when you don't have a good support system of regular friends either.

I wanted to share this because I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of thinking that consistent sex will magically make you feel a lot better when you're not having it. It's better to meet someone through shared interests and to be able to hit it off without only thinking about the prospect of sex, and I've realized that if you took the prospect of sex away from all the women I've been with, there was no emotional connection whatsoever, which is unfortunate.

The only way I see myself connecting with a woman is a real way is someone who is off social media, not trying to flex some bull**** image about themselves, not into the trash politics of this day and age, etc. Someone down to earth not putting up a stupid front all the time. But these days I've also been having more trouble finding normal friends, therefore romantic interests are much harder to come by.

A sad reality is most women generally speaking are not capable of true long-term intimacy. Our age of technology, social media especially, has created sky-high, unrealistic expectations. When said expectations don't get met, finger pointing begins which immediately dries up any and all intimacy. Essentially, they have been conditioned to only accept a pipe dream and if they aren't getting it, they are further conditioned to believe they are not being given what they deserve.

The best bet for finding true long term happiness is finding a woman who has not much of an online presence. As you may have guessed, these are very few and far between these days. Of course, this isn't a guarantee you will find true intimacy, but it certainly is a good start.

 

[sickofit]

Advice from the old lady:

Firstly welcome. I commend your candor about your relationship goals. Now you just have to figure out the way to meet a suitable woman.

Meaningless sex is just that: Meaningless. It also exposes you to undue risk. But understand that many men do not have the ability to obtain sex easily, therefore they confer disproportionate value on it, because they don't have it and they assign it as some sort of holy grail. They dream about access to easy sex. They think that is nirvana.

It isn't.

I have stated here countless times over the years that every single player man I know (friends, exes, exes of friends, etc.) has gotten tired of the sex carosel. They really want connection & intimacy at the end of the day.

If you don't believe me, read up or digest content about Paul Zanka (a well known NYC playboy who is now happily married) and Russel Brand (same). Both men have been interviewed on this very topic and might offer OP some insight.

As far as meeting a good woman for something more meaningful?

First adjust your own attitude. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want (make a list of criteria you find important to dial those expectations in....review your list daily - this will train your subconscious or habituate your radar to scan in the background for suitable women).

Secondly cultivate a curiousness or openness to other people. If your attitude and body language are closed off, you lessen your pool of women.

Thirdly understand that most emotionally healthy women are not going to provide you stripper/hooker/porn star experience type sex. That is a fantasy expectation you likely need to release. You can have wonderful meaningful rewarding and intimate sexual experiences with someone who loves you and who you love, You can have great sexual pleasure and novelty in sexual play within an intimate relationship. But you need to be honest with yourself about objective reality too.

You gotta think with more than the trouser snake.

You also need to leave your house & get some kind of social rapport going somewhere. If you skip the online venues and opt for real life, you gotta go do stuff.

Figure out what you like to do and go do that.

I like live music. Unsurprisingly I met my first husband and my current husband at a live music venue.

Food for thought.

I don’t really like loud activities anymore although I used to go to concerts a lot. I’m not an extrovert type really at all. What I mostly like nowadays are nature focused activities, basically stuff away from cities and people. Travel is a big one too, but not the touristy type of travel. I like to learn about things and have experiences that aren’t typical I would say.

Lately I’ve started to become more disgusted with the social media flexing type people (men and women), which causes me to avoid certain places. If anyone starts on politics with me I leave the situation, don’t wanna hear anything about Trump or woke nonsense.

I agree with you that I could have a better attitude, however I also think no company is better than being around people who are negative and draining. Maybe finding a hiking group or something would be a good start.

 

[Vanderdonck]

In the past when I was single and having meaningful random lays (no experience is meaningless to me), I wanted something more intimate and serious. Then I'd get into something intimate and serious and long for random lays. And so on. But the real problem was me and my direction in life.

Once I became more dedicated to my true self and my mission, both the random hookups and the subsequent serious relationship became more enjoyable and rewarding. Because I was putting my goals first and began attracting the right women and weeding out the problematic one better. Heck, I've even had a deep non-sexual relationship with a girl (our timing was always off) that is one of the best connections I ever made, which sounds "beta" but I don't care because my life rocks.

Glad to see you are following your plan, OP. Good things await.

 

[Solomon]

I learned very early on(in my 20s) that MOST women on dating apps are not girlfriend material, hence they are on the apps for various reasons but the main one is they just aren't girlfriend material because they are looking for a trophy boyfriend i.e. Plug-N-Play boyfriend

I think finding real intimacy is with someone whose values and morals are aligned with yours, finding said person is easier said than done. I totally get where you're coming from OP. Once I figure this out I'll let you know

 

[jhonny9546]

@sickofit You're right. It happened to me too, and it started me on this journey.

But don't think that once you've found intimacy, you'll have exclusivity.
Sure, it's great to have honest relationships with people, not just women, but also your male friends, but man, you have to continue to earn respect, and not fall into the trap of being too soft.
If you have respect, you'll have intimacy.

Thirdly understand that most emotionally healthy women are not going to provide you stripper/hooker/porn star experience type sex.

Not in my experience

The slower kind, the one that leads to real intimacy, takes time. It's about being patient, showing you care in small ways, and letting things grow naturally.

That's exactly it, my friend.
It's like feeling that little thing grow every day.
Like raising a dog from puppy to adult.
Like watering a tiny plant.
And it won't always go well, because sometimes you'll lose your investment.
But the good thing is that once you discover that habit, you know how to behave, and you can try to replicate it.

Heck, I've even had a deep non-sexual relationship with a girl

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