No interest in being ‘Just a friend’, how would you word this?

[Black Widow Void]

I'm a bit surprised to see a 36-year-old man still communicate with chicks on Instagram, made a stupid comment, and paid for it.

I would just ignore the whole thing if I were you. And yes I agree 100% with the other guy about you having way too much free time to worry about this sh!t.

Thanks for sharing your feelings. I'm sure that I speak for all forum members when I say that it would be a restless sleep - had you not shared your inner thoughts.

 

[zinc4]

I went out with a girl a few times the other year, it all got a bit weird and we didn’t go out for a while.

Flash forward to now, she’s with someone and so am I.

I made a comment on something teasing her on IG DM’s earlier about how I was avoiding women (including her) for a while & she said “it’s fine, we’re just friends now!”

Now that’s fine, but I’ve no interest in being friends. I’m not bothered if we delete each other off social media etc, but I just want to know the best way of being upfront about this now? (and in the future, in case this ever comes up with a girl again)

If we were both single I’d just say “Sorry XXX I’ve enough friends. And god knows I could never look at *you* & see you as just a mate”

And personally I’m half tempted to do that now, but we’re both in relationships and I don’t want it to look like I’m chatting her up while she’s with someone.

I don’t, I just want to make clear in general I find her hot, and while I'm respectful we’re both dating people now, that’s not how I view her (and if she deletes me from IG / whatever I’m genuinely not fussed)

And I just want to do it in a way that’s calm & nonchalant, and that expresses I’m not bothered by her response (I’m really not, but as someone with Asperger’s I just want to know ‘how’ to do that, so I can use it again in future if need be)

Clearly you really like this girl and wish you were her instead of your current gf. I'd just let it go man. This is the kind of crap that women do if im being honest. Settling for a guy but secretly pining for an ex the entire time. Not good imo.

 

[SW15]

I'm a bit surprised to see a 36-year-old man still communicate with chicks on Instagram, made a stupid comment, and paid for it.

I'm not that surprised to see a 36 year old communicating with women on Instagram. 36 year olds now are not the 36 year olds of even 10 years ago.

 

[RyanMan]

What did you want her to say?

To be honest it was more how was the best way to react is all?

I wanted to get across ‘ we’re both with someone so I’m not interested now anyway, but yeahin general I don’t see you that way’ in case we were single again in future.

And wasn’t sure if I should
a) Say “yeah but friends don’t want to do naughty things to each other” (but in a way that’s respectful that we’re both with someone anyway ha),
b) Make a joke of “err it’s a drink sometime, not a marriage proposal so slow down ” (or something like that) or
c) Just ignore it completely, which is what others have suggested doing

Yesss @stringpuller that’s exactly what I was getting at! I’d much rather do it in person too but she’s a few cities over, alas, and I’m not gonna bump into her randomly.

And thanks @zinc4 yeah I think it’s best just to leave it for now, people here have said just ignore the comment.

It was more I just wanted to be clear I’ve no interest in being in the ‘friend zone’ in general, and wasn’t sure if I should state that out loud or just ignore her.

 

[Robert28]

Ive used this before.

"Ya but there is a problem, friends dont fck each other and I want to fck you senseless, so I guess we are not friends"

Sometimes being direct at that point is the only way to go.
But even still its better to say this IN person while looking at her.
And Watch her neck flush red.

But then she will accuse you of just wanting sex like all the past Chad’s and she will be disgusted with you.

 

[manfrombelow]

But then she will accuse you of just wanting sex like all the past Chad’s and she will be disgusted with you.

Well that's HER problem then, not mine. ;-)

 

[Atom Smasher]

My reply if I were you:

"Acquaintances."

 

[Robert28]

Well that's HER problem then, not mine. ;-)

But see you aren’t supposed to want or need sex…..FRIEND! You’re just supposed to just….exist. She will tell you how sex isn’t all that while texting with you, meanwhile she’s got a d!ck in her ass. Or she will destroy your reputation and tell everyone you’re a creep because you made her feel uncomfortable with all your sex talk.

 

[Robert28]

Yes then you own it. A&A. I tell them yes Im a dirty little boy and I love it. I just want to do bad things to you.

And Its true so its congruent with me lol.

Yeah definitely say that in person and not over text so she can’t screen shot it and put you on blast lol

 

[manfrombelow]

But see you aren’t supposed to want or need sex…..FRIEND! You’re just supposed to just….exist. She will tell you how sex isn’t all that while texting with you, meanwhile she’s got a d!ck in her ass. Or she will destroy your reputation and tell everyone you’re a creep because you made her feel uncomfortable with all your sex talk.

Again, her problem, not mine.

 

[manfrombelow]

Yeah definitely say that in person and not over text so she can’t screen shot it and put you on blast lol

I agree with you about it. Women don't play fair and they love being the victims.

 

[Robert28]

Ignore it Robert. Plow through it. You would be surprised how the dirty girls come out when you plow on while letting them know you won't judge her or put her in any social embarrassment.

Oh I agree but if she’s calling you a friend then she isn’t attracted to you. I can bring it out if then if they’re attracted to me but when they see me as a friend I might as well be the ugliest guy in the world to them and me talking that way will gross them out.

 

[RyanMan]

@stringpuller & @manfrombelow exactly! I don’t ‘just’ want sex, but I ‘do’ want to have sex with her (or at least I would if we were single!), I’d rather state my intentions and be honest than get stuck in the friend zone.

So what if she ‘puts me on blast’! Nothing wrong with respectfully stating I think she’s hot & I don’t want to be ‘just friends’ with her. Now I wouldn’t say it like that now while we’re dating others as that’s disrespectful, but I was trying to get that across in a more roundabout way.

I asked here because if we were both single I’d just tell her straight, but as we’re in relationships it’s a little different.

@Robert28 I know I’m asking for some advice how to word things here but I do know a few things, &
it’s not what she ‘says’, but what she does. And how you react to that. It’s all about your frame and being non-reactive. Like the message she said about being friends, I debated just replying ‘lol’ and leaving it at that

@Atom Smasher ooh, ‘acquaintances’ is a good one! I might send that. Do you mind me asking your reasoning behind using that mate, so I understand fully?

 

[Atom Smasher]

When a woman “downgrades” you as a friend, the ball is in her court and she is calling the shots and defining the relationship.
By “correcting” her assessment and downgrading the relationship further than she did, the tables are turned. It gets her hamster wheel spinning and confuses her, and makes her re-assess the power dynamic. She wonders if you’re kidding, or if you’ve cut her loose completely in her own mind (which is actually what you should be doing).

 

[manfrombelow]

Why say anything at all? Ignore it. Women sleep with friends all the time. Be masculine and you will get your turn.

I had to log in just to say thank you for this, sir. Respect!

 

[Bokanovsky]

I made a comment on something teasing her on IG DM’s earlier about how I was avoiding women (including her) for a while & she said “it’s fine, we’re just friends now!”

Why are you "teasing her on IG DM" if a) you have a girlfriend now and b) you are not interested in being friends with that girl?? Weird behaviour on your part (and a solid dismissive response to it on her part).

 

[derby1]

And honestly, I’m practicing a whole new mindset where I really don’t care any more, I’m less reactive, more calm and I’m now ‘that guy’.

Because men dont get the options women do, we think they think like us. So for instance you sound like you want a little payback,hoping it would get a reaction. we've all been there.

But the irony is, she literally forgot about you the minute she replied. Youre an empty vessel & disposable commodity to her, and her female solipsism. This is why the guys advised you to mentally move on instantly and value your non sexual attention(women are time pimps)

The only time you can pull off the "Dominant payback DM", is if you imprinted her.

so for instance you dated for years and dumped her (emitted higher value than her)

Or if a man with a big penis got her pregnant. Then he can reply with sarcastic DMs

 

[bat soup]

I went out with a girl a few times the other year, it all got a bit weird and we didn’t go out for a while.

Flash forward to now, she’s with someone and so am I.

I made a comment on something teasing her on IG DM’s earlier about how I was avoiding women (including her) for a while & she said “it’s fine, we’re just friends now!”

Now that’s fine, but I’ve no interest in being friends. I’m not bothered if we delete each other off social media etc, but I just want to know the best way of being upfront about this now? (and in the future, in case this ever comes up with a girl again)

If we were both single I’d just say “Sorry XXX I’ve enough friends. And god knows I could never look at *you* & see you as just a mate”

And personally I’m half tempted to do that now, but we’re both in relationships and I don’t want it to look like I’m chatting her up while she’s with someone.

I don’t, I just want to make clear in general I find her hot, and while I'm respectful we’re both dating people now, that’s not how I view her (and if she deletes me from IG / whatever I’m genuinely not fussed)

And I just want to do it in a way that’s calm & nonchalant, and that expresses I’m not bothered by her response (I’m really not, but as someone with Asperger’s I just want to know ‘how’ to do that, so I can use it again in future if need be)

Tell her to let you know when she wants some diKK

 

[RyanMan]

Why are you "teasing her on IG DM" if a) you have a girlfriend now and b) you are not interested in being friends with that girl?? Weird behaviour on your part (and a solid dismissive response to it on her part).

I say girlfriend for ease of sake, we’ve been out a few times & it’s casual but she’s moving pretty fast for my liking. I don’t know what it is? We’ve agreed we’re not with anyone else though.

I’d talked about something else a few days earlier with this other girl, we talk occasionally. And I tease most of the women I speak to, it doesn’t mean I’m trying anything I just make the odd cheeky or teasing comment on an IG story they put up.

It’s always worked great for me, so if a girl ever does become single i’m not the guy who’s not spoke to her for 3 years, I’m on her radar.

@manfrombelow that’s great advice thanks! I’m torn between just ignoring it completely like you say or using @Atom Smasher ‘s advice of just being acquaintances, both are great!

@manfrombelow I was saying to her I’d been avoiding all women last year while I worked on myself is all, I’d focused on myself during the pandemic (it’d be hard to meet anyone during peak covid anyway!)

I just wasn't sure me saying anything to her ‘friend’ comment was me tacitly accepting her frame is all, & figured I’d ask you guys as you all know best! And you’ve all given great advice, I mean I don’t want to be ‘just’ a friend so I’d rather say that and risk not having her around at all, I’ve been given that advice by other guys before. I can see there’s another way now though, so cheers for pointing that out!

 

[Bokanovsky]

I’d talked about something else a few days earlier with this other girl, we talk occasionally. And I tease most of the women I speak to, it doesn’t mean I’m trying anything I just make the odd cheeky or teasing comment on an IG story they put up.

If I were a girl and some guy was making comments on my Instagram without asking to hang out, I would assume that he's angling to be an orbiter/friend. Why are you surprised that she used the F word if you are acting like one?