New Jokes Thread

[chili kat]

Legend has it there is a mirror hung on the wall of an old castle in England that will grant a woman every desire she seeks, but only if she can stand in front of the mirror, say something positive about herself and it is actually true in the eyes of other people. On the other hand, if it is not true, she will dissapear into thin air.

An obese brunette once walked up to this mirror and said:

"I think people love me for who I am, and don't care about my body"

*POOF!*

She dissapeared.


A gangly, rail thin, sickly looking red head walked up to this mirror and said:

"I think people love me for who I am, and don't care about my body"

*POOF!*

She dissapeared too.


Then the most astonishing, gorgeous, big breasted bombshell of a blonde walked up to the mirror and said:

"I think..."

*POOF!*

 

[DrBeard]

Originally posted by 007~JC
Hey man I got one too.
----------

Q: Why did the bird cross the road?
A: To come and talk to DrBeard!!!!!!!!!

CAWCAWCAW!!!!!!!!!! ROFL!

:crackup:

-007

Q. Why did 007-JC cross the road?
A. Cos his c0ck was stuck in the chicken!

 

[TyTe`EyEs]

"Dear John" A Letter to a U.S. Marine

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter from his girlfriend back home.

It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky,

Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the
fvck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest
back to me.

 

[spider_007]

ha ha ha ha:crackup: :crackup:

 

[sstype]

lol, where did you get this story from??

 

[arlanda]

niiiiice :crackup:

 

[Dust 2 Dust]

A friend of mine went to Iraq and his girl dumped him for another guy.

 

[DJ_in_making]

wow, was this a true story?

 

[diablo]

Originally posted by DJ_in_making
wow, was this a true story?

Very unlikely; a google search showed the story as only being posted on sites like "extremefunnypictures.com", "sarvardaofcandad.com/humour.html", etc. If it was true then it would have been all over the major news networks as well - no chance they'd have passed it up.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q="Dear+Ricky,+I+can+no+longer+continue+our+relationship"

Originally posted by Dust 2 Dust
A friend of mine went to Iraq and his girl dumped him for another guy.

Can't say that I don't understand - if a girl you'd only been dating for a few weeks or months suddenly would be gone for a year, can you honestly say that you'd remain faithful (especially if you weren't very hard off when it came to the opposite sex?)

 

[italostud]

I remember hearing somewhere that the first thing your drill instructor tells you when you get to bootcamp is something like "Your woman WILL be ****ing other ****s while you're here" or something. Maybe I saw it in a movie...

 

[penkitten]

who cares who thought it up, its funny as heck

 

[TyTe`EyEs]

Originally posted by penkitten
who cares who thought it up, its funny as heck

That's what I was thinking.

 

[Centaurion]

F*CK!!!

I knew I should have done that when I got the Dear John letter when I was in the army.

 

[Climax]

A man came home from work, thinking no one else was home yet. As he hung up his hat and put down his briefcase, he heard loud moans coming from his oldest daughter's bedroom. Not quite sure what was going on, he crept stealthily up the stairs, tiptoed down the hallway and gently pushed open the door, to find his daughter lying flat on her back on her bed with her bra pushed over her breasts. Her knickers were around her ankles, her eyes were closed, her mouth was hanging slackly open and she was rubbing a Rabbit vibrator feverishly between her widespread thighs.

Shocked, he blurted out: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Visibly shaken, but unable to stop so close to her orgasm, his daughter yelled at him to get out and shut the door.

Her father stumbled down the stairs in a daze and sat in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would abuse herself in this manner. Ten minutes later, his daughter walked in dressed in only her bra and knickers and admonished her dad for not knocking before entering, and then said: "**** it, dad — I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?"
Her father said: "Listen — you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon."
She replied: "No, Dad. It's not gonna happen. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you."

A few weeks later, the daughter came home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and her Rabbit vibrator in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yelled out. "What the **** are you doing?"

Her father casually looked up over his shoulder at her and said: "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law."

 

[S-lemond]

how do u only have 300 post???

 

[Climax]

Originally posted by E_ze05
how do u only have 300 post???

What?

 

[tactic]

Originally posted by GigaloDJ
Just thought of this.

(while driving, pull up to cop car)

Me: Hey, my name's Jason, what's yours?
HB Cop: Amanda
Me: Listen Amanda, give me your number and i'll give you a call sometime.
HB Cop: It's 911.
(And she turns the corner and leaves)

hahah......

i didn't get it

 

[thefonz]

My favorite joke in 8th grade:

An expeditioner is walking through the jungle on a trail deep into the Amazon. He is hiking through unknown territory. All of a sudden a jungle tribesman jumps infront of him and yells, "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The man rationalizes that he doesn't want to die so he says "Kunga bunga." Imediately after the tribesman jumps on him and starts ****ing him in the ass......

After being attacked he gets up and keeps walking down the path. Then another tribesmans jumps in front of him and yells, "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The man still not ready to give in replies, "Kunga bunga." So then 5 tribesmen come out the bushes and start ****ing him up the ass in all his holes and completely violate him.

He continues walking down the path and is feeling very worn beaten down and is exhausted. Suddenly another tribesman jumps in front of him and yells "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The resiliant expeditioner is not ready to give in so he replies, "Kunga Bunga". At this point 50 tribesmen come out and start ****ing him every which way 2 at a time etc and completely destroy his insides.

At this point the man is completely ravaged and swollen and is practically crawling down the path trying to get to through the jungle. All of a sudden ANOTHER tribesman jumps in front and yells "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The man realizing he is bloody and battered and just wants to give up. He finally concides to this tribesman and tells him, "You know what, I can't take this anymore I just wanna die." the tribesman then replies, "Very Well, DEATH BY KUNGA BUNGA!!"

 

[BLUEox117]

http://www.explosm.net/comics/view.asp?id=322

That's a great solution to an age old problem
Wouldn't some youngsters say ?:crackup:

 

[The Edge]

Just going through this old thread....Funny shytt...

Anyone with more Michael Jackson jokes?????

Edge