DrBeard
Banned
Q. Why did 007-JC cross the road?
A. Cos his c0ck was stuck in the chicken!
"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"
Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."
You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.
She's been waiting forty minutes.
Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.
New Jokes Thread
- Thread starter SAV40
- Start date
Q. Why did 007-JC cross the road?
A. Cos his c0ck was stuck in the chicken!
"How I Made Sure No Woman Ever Friend-Zoned Me Again"
She calls you when her car breaks down. When she needs help moving. When some guy she's actually dating treats her badly.
You're the listener. The reliable one. The guy who would treat her so much better, if she'd just open her eyes.
She won't. You trained her to see you as the low-effort option — the friend who requires zero risk and zero investment. Every favor dug the hole deeper.
The "22 Rules" break the pattern. You'll stop auditioning for a role she already cast and become the man she chases instead. It starts with Rule 1.
TyTe`EyEs
Master Don Juan
"Dear John" A Letter to a U.S. Marine
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky,
Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:
Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the
fvck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest
back to me.
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky,
Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:
Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the
fvck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest
back to me.
spider_007
Master Don Juan
ha ha ha ha:crackup: :crackup:
"She Liked You in March. It's October Now."
Attraction runs on a clock.
She flirted for weeks. Touched your arm. Found reasons to be alone with you. And you were careful. Respectful. Waiting for the right moment.
The moment had a shelf life. It expired around month two, and by the time you asked her out, she'd quietly filed you under "little brother."
One of the hardest lessons inside the 22 Rules: women rarely wait. Interest either grows or it decays, and nothing decays it faster than a man who never moves.
Make the move while she's still inventing reasons to be near you.
Dust 2 Dust
Master Don Juan
A friend of mine went to Iraq and his girl dumped him for another guy.
DJ_in_making
Master Don Juan
wow, was this a true story?
diablo
Master Don Juan
Very unlikely; a google search showed the story as only being posted on sites like "extremefunnypictures.com", "sarvardaofcandad.com/humour.html", etc. If it was true then it would have been all over the major news networks as well - no chance they'd have passed it up.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q="Dear+Ricky,+I+can+no+longer+continue+our+relationship"
Can't say that I don't understand - if a girl you'd only been dating for a few weeks or months suddenly would be gone for a year, can you honestly say that you'd remain faithful (especially if you weren't very hard off when it came to the opposite sex?)
I remember hearing somewhere that the first thing your drill instructor tells you when you get to bootcamp is something like "Your woman WILL be ****ing other ****s while you're here" or something. Maybe I saw it in a movie...
penkitten
Master Don Juan
who cares who thought it up, its funny as heck
"Why Women Dump the Guys Who Try the Hardest"
You paid for dinner. You drove. You said "whatever you want is fine" every single time. All the effort, no expectations.
And she left anyway — probably for a guy who makes her pick up the pizza.
Painful. Also predictable. Her mind quietly concludes that anything requiring zero effort from her is worth exactly zero. You became a free sample, and free samples get taken for granted.
The 22 Rules flip the dynamic. Small shifts that get her investing effort, money, and time in you — until SHE'S the one afraid of losing YOU.
TyTe`EyEs
Master Don Juan
That's what I was thinking.
Centaurion
Master Don Juan
F*CK!!!
I knew I should have done that when I got the Dear John letter when I was in the army.
I knew I should have done that when I got the Dear John letter when I was in the army.
A man came home from work, thinking no one else was home yet. As he hung up his hat and put down his briefcase, he heard loud moans coming from his oldest daughter's bedroom. Not quite sure what was going on, he crept stealthily up the stairs, tiptoed down the hallway and gently pushed open the door, to find his daughter lying flat on her back on her bed with her bra pushed over her breasts. Her knickers were around her ankles, her eyes were closed, her mouth was hanging slackly open and she was rubbing a Rabbit vibrator feverishly between her widespread thighs.
Shocked, he blurted out: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Visibly shaken, but unable to stop so close to her orgasm, his daughter yelled at him to get out and shut the door.
Her father stumbled down the stairs in a daze and sat in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would abuse herself in this manner. Ten minutes later, his daughter walked in dressed in only her bra and knickers and admonished her dad for not knocking before entering, and then said: "**** it, dad — I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?"
Her father said: "Listen — you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon."
She replied: "No, Dad. It's not gonna happen. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you."
A few weeks later, the daughter came home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and her Rabbit vibrator in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yelled out. "What the **** are you doing?"
Her father casually looked up over his shoulder at her and said: "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law."
Shocked, he blurted out: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Visibly shaken, but unable to stop so close to her orgasm, his daughter yelled at him to get out and shut the door.
Her father stumbled down the stairs in a daze and sat in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would abuse herself in this manner. Ten minutes later, his daughter walked in dressed in only her bra and knickers and admonished her dad for not knocking before entering, and then said: "**** it, dad — I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?"
Her father said: "Listen — you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon."
She replied: "No, Dad. It's not gonna happen. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you."
A few weeks later, the daughter came home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and her Rabbit vibrator in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yelled out. "What the **** are you doing?"
Her father casually looked up over his shoulder at her and said: "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law."
"She Laughed All Night. Then She Ghosted You. Here's Why."
Dinner ran three hours. She laughed at everything. You walked her to her car thinking this one's locked in.
Then: nothing. Two texts. No reply. What happened?
You did what most men do on a great date. You filled every silence, answered every question, and left her with nothing to wonder about. No mystery. Nothing to sit with when she got home.
Rule 3 of the "22 Rules" changes the ending: tell her a little, hold back the rest, and let her imagination do the chasing. The ghosting stops too.
i didn't get itOriginally posted by GigaloDJ
Just thought of this.
(while driving, pull up to cop car)
Me: Hey, my name's Jason, what's yours?
HB Cop: Amanda
Me: Listen Amanda, give me your number and i'll give you a call sometime.
HB Cop: It's 911.
(And she turns the corner and leaves)
hahah......
thefonz
Master Don Juan
My favorite joke in 8th grade:
An expeditioner is walking through the jungle on a trail deep into the Amazon. He is hiking through unknown territory. All of a sudden a jungle tribesman jumps infront of him and yells, "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The man rationalizes that he doesn't want to die so he says "Kunga bunga." Imediately after the tribesman jumps on him and starts ****ing him in the ass......
After being attacked he gets up and keeps walking down the path. Then another tribesmans jumps in front of him and yells, "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The man still not ready to give in replies, "Kunga bunga." So then 5 tribesmen come out the bushes and start ****ing him up the ass in all his holes and completely violate him.
He continues walking down the path and is feeling very worn beaten down and is exhausted. Suddenly another tribesman jumps in front of him and yells "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The resiliant expeditioner is not ready to give in so he replies, "Kunga Bunga". At this point 50 tribesmen come out and start ****ing him every which way 2 at a time etc and completely destroy his insides.
At this point the man is completely ravaged and swollen and is practically crawling down the path trying to get to through the jungle. All of a sudden ANOTHER tribesman jumps in front and yells "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The man realizing he is bloody and battered and just wants to give up. He finally concides to this tribesman and tells him, "You know what, I can't take this anymore I just wanna die." the tribesman then replies, "Very Well, DEATH BY KUNGA BUNGA!!"
An expeditioner is walking through the jungle on a trail deep into the Amazon. He is hiking through unknown territory. All of a sudden a jungle tribesman jumps infront of him and yells, "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The man rationalizes that he doesn't want to die so he says "Kunga bunga." Imediately after the tribesman jumps on him and starts ****ing him in the ass......
After being attacked he gets up and keeps walking down the path. Then another tribesmans jumps in front of him and yells, "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The man still not ready to give in replies, "Kunga bunga." So then 5 tribesmen come out the bushes and start ****ing him up the ass in all his holes and completely violate him.
He continues walking down the path and is feeling very worn beaten down and is exhausted. Suddenly another tribesman jumps in front of him and yells "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The resiliant expeditioner is not ready to give in so he replies, "Kunga Bunga". At this point 50 tribesmen come out and start ****ing him every which way 2 at a time etc and completely destroy his insides.
At this point the man is completely ravaged and swollen and is practically crawling down the path trying to get to through the jungle. All of a sudden ANOTHER tribesman jumps in front and yells "DEATH OR KUNGA BUNGA?" The man realizing he is bloody and battered and just wants to give up. He finally concides to this tribesman and tells him, "You know what, I can't take this anymore I just wanna die." the tribesman then replies, "Very Well, DEATH BY KUNGA BUNGA!!"
http://www.explosm.net/comics/view.asp?id=322
That's a great solution to an age old problem
Wouldn't some youngsters say ?:crackup:
That's a great solution to an age old problem
Wouldn't some youngsters say ?:crackup:
Centaurion
Master Don Juan
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHOriginally posted by AFK Protector
you: wanna hear a joke?
her: sure
you: women's rights. hahahahhaha
her: ::SLAP + CROTCH SHOT::
you:
_____________________________
i laughed so hard on this one that my roommate stormed into my room, thinking i was having a seizure.
"She Laughed All Night. Then She Ghosted You. Here's Why."
Dinner ran three hours. She laughed at everything. You walked her to her car thinking this one's locked in.
Then: nothing. Two texts. No reply. What happened?
You did what most men do on a great date. You filled every silence, answered every question, and left her with nothing to wonder about. No mystery. Nothing to sit with when she got home.
Rule 3 of the "22 Rules" changes the ending: tell her a little, hold back the rest, and let her imagination do the chasing. The ghosting stops too.