New Jokes Thread

[Jimbo2k]

Originally posted by C-Damage
Whats the best thing about screwing 29 year olds?

theres 20 of em

lol! Took me a minute to figure it out...

Twenty - Nine year olds!

 

[Salacious D]

What's the difference between a corvette and two hundred dead babies?

I don't have a corvette in my garage!

edit: it's been my experience that girls don't enjoy these jokes too much.

 

[M2k961]

Haha dead baby jokes rule

 

[Trapspringer]

I was kind of hoping for a variety of jokes but all we are getting here is a bunch of dead baby jokes. Lets mix it up!


Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

 

[Sammo]

What happens at michael jacksons house at 12 oclock?

The big hand touches the little hand.

 

[LikRetsam]

Jokes

My favorite topic! I start!

1 day a guy walks in to a bar and orders a few shots. A bit later he notices a horse in the back of the room with a pot of money in front of it. He inquires the bartender about it who then informs the guy that you drop a dollar in the pot and if you can make the horse laugh you take the pot. After 1 more shot, the guy goes over there and within a few minutes the horse is on the ground rolling around in laughter. The man picks up the pot and leaves.

5 years later he returns and has a few shots. He notices the horse is still there and asks the bartender about it again. "Yeah, it's not so easy any more, you have to make him cry". A bit more alcohol is added to the guy's system and he walks over there. within 1 minute the horse is on his knees pouring his eyes dry. the man picks up the pot and makes for the door as the bartender calls him back " Atleast tell me how ya did it!"
" The first time I told him my wank was bigger then his. The second time I showed him"

**********************************************

3 guys arrive at the gates of heaven and St Peter comes over to talk to them. He announces that there is only one place left in heaven and the person with the most interresting death would be let in.
So the first guy goes ahead:
" I got home early from work one day because I had a massive headache and got to my 20th floor apartement at mid afternoon. I walk in and find my wife lieing naked in bed under the sheets. No one is to be seen. I searched everywhere. After a few minutes and getting desperate, I saw hands hanging on the balcony so I went over and stamped on his fingers. The man fell off but miraculously he was caught by a huge gust of wind and put down on the sidewalk softly. In a fit of rage and new found strenght, I picked up the fridge and tossed it down at him. I died of a heart attack right after."
"Truly fascinating, and you?" sait St Peter looking at the 2nd.
"I was watering my plants on the 22th floor of my aparetement building on my balcony when all of a sudden I slipped and flipped off the railing. I thought I was done for but God smiled at me and I was able to grab on the 20th floor balcony. I thought I was truly doomed but then this man appeared and I knew I was saved. Well, he turned out to be a maniac and crushed my fingers so I fell off. This was surely the end but no! God smilled again and the wind carried me softly down on the sidewalk. Shortly afterwards, still in awe of the last few moments of my life, a fridge came down on me and killed me instantly.
"Wow!, and you?" turnnig to the 3rd
"I died naked in a fridge."

 

[Jimbo2k]

Whats the difference between a dead squirrel on the side of the road and a dead guitarist on the side of the road?

The squirrel was probly going somewhere

If a white stork makes white babies, and a black stork makes black babies, then what makes no babies?

A Swallow

 

[Silquee Smoove]

Try not to be too offended...

Ok...here's my two with a C&F reply included:

Q:What's red and green and eats nuts?



A:Gonorrhea!

-To any girl you want to do C&F on,
Q: (Girl's name), how do you like your eggs in the morning?

(Immediate followup) Scrambled or fertilized!



Q: How can you tell it's your daughter's time of the month?



A: By the taste of your son's penis.

 

[Kidquick]

- What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

- "See you next month!"

 

[AFK Protector]

What are nuts on the wall?
-walnuts
What are nuts on your chest?
-chestnuts
What are nuts on your chin?









MY D1CK IN YO MOUF!!!

 

[Microphone Fiend]

here's the funniest one I've heard in a while

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

lol

 

[Levex]

^
l
l
ahahaha.
here's one i saw on some site:

An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy,I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."

"Self-preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."

"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and
evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 

[Levex]

found some more:




Q. Why does Barbara Bush always get on top ?

A. Because George can only **** up.



Q. How do you know if a woman is wearing underwear ?

A. Look for dandruff on her shoes.



Q. Whats the ultimate rejection ?

A. Your hand falling asleep while your having a wank.

 

[Slimijs]

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?

A: Cancer.

--

Q: Know what a Jewish dilemma is?

A: A free ham.

--

Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

--

Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?

A: Who cares?

 

[gav]

What's the smallest pub in the world called?
The Thalidomide Arms



go here
http://www.liquidice.co.uk/joke/sick.html

 

[icallug]

did you guys hear about the gay midget?






















he finally came out of the cabinet

 

[ShortTimer]

Joke of ze day:

Q: What do you get when you stab a baby?

A: An erection.

 

[willo]

Q: Why don't dumb blondes eat pickles?

A: They get their head stuck in the jar.

 

[This Times For Real]

Your moms so old, that when i told her to act her age,she died.

 

[Slimijs]

Your moms so old, that her drivers licence has a photo of a dinosaur.