"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.
New Jokes Thread
- Thread starter SAV40
- Start date
“The 22 Rules That Turned Me From Invisible to Irresistible With Women… Starting Tonight”
You can skip the expensive cars, the fancy clothes, and the endless gym selfies. Completely unnecessary.
I used to freeze the second a beautiful woman looked my way. Frustrated. Awkward. Watching other guys walk away with the girl while I stood there tongue-tied.
Then I discovered 22 simple rules that rewired my entire dating life. The anxiety vanished. Conversations flowed effortlessly. Women started chasing me for a change.
These rules trigger a woman's subconscious attraction switches. And you can start using them tonight.
Salacious D
Don Juan
I don't have a corvette in my garage!
edit: it's been my experience that girls don't enjoy these jokes too much.
Trapspringer
Senior Don Juan
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- May 3, 2003
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- 242
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Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.
Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home he had gas.
His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.
While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.
At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
"The Coffee Shop Girl You Never Spoke To"
You've replayed it a hundred times. She stood three feet away, scrolling her phone. You had an opening. You composed the perfect line — after she was gone.
For all you know, she's married now. To some guy who said something. Anything.
Openers are cheap. Almost any sentence works when it's delivered within three seconds. The expensive part is the standing there, drafting and deleting, while the window quietly closes.
The "22 Rules" stripped out my hesitation. What to open with, how to keep it alive, and the one habit that costs guys more women than anything else: waiting for perfect.
My favorite topic! I start!
1 day a guy walks in to a bar and orders a few shots. A bit later he notices a horse in the back of the room with a pot of money in front of it. He inquires the bartender about it who then informs the guy that you drop a dollar in the pot and if you can make the horse laugh you take the pot. After 1 more shot, the guy goes over there and within a few minutes the horse is on the ground rolling around in laughter. The man picks up the pot and leaves.
5 years later he returns and has a few shots. He notices the horse is still there and asks the bartender about it again. "Yeah, it's not so easy any more, you have to make him cry". A bit more alcohol is added to the guy's system and he walks over there. within 1 minute the horse is on his knees pouring his eyes dry. the man picks up the pot and makes for the door as the bartender calls him back " Atleast tell me how ya did it!"
" The first time I told him my wank was bigger then his. The second time I showed him"
**********************************************
3 guys arrive at the gates of heaven and St Peter comes over to talk to them. He announces that there is only one place left in heaven and the person with the most interresting death would be let in.
So the first guy goes ahead:
" I got home early from work one day because I had a massive headache and got to my 20th floor apartement at mid afternoon. I walk in and find my wife lieing naked in bed under the sheets. No one is to be seen. I searched everywhere. After a few minutes and getting desperate, I saw hands hanging on the balcony so I went over and stamped on his fingers. The man fell off but miraculously he was caught by a huge gust of wind and put down on the sidewalk softly. In a fit of rage and new found strenght, I picked up the fridge and tossed it down at him. I died of a heart attack right after."
"Truly fascinating, and you?" sait St Peter looking at the 2nd.
"I was watering my plants on the 22th floor of my aparetement building on my balcony when all of a sudden I slipped and flipped off the railing. I thought I was done for but God smiled at me and I was able to grab on the 20th floor balcony. I thought I was truly doomed but then this man appeared and I knew I was saved. Well, he turned out to be a maniac and crushed my fingers so I fell off. This was surely the end but no! God smilled again and the wind carried me softly down on the sidewalk. Shortly afterwards, still in awe of the last few moments of my life, a fridge came down on me and killed me instantly.
"Wow!, and you?" turnnig to the 3rd
"I died naked in a fridge."
The squirrel was probly going somewhere
If a white stork makes white babies, and a black stork makes black babies, then what makes no babies?
A Swallow
Silquee Smoove
Master Don Juan
Ok...here's my two with a C&F reply included:
Q:What's red and green and eats nuts?
A:Gonorrhea!
-To any girl you want to do C&F on,
Q: (Girl's name), how do you like your eggs in the morning?
(Immediate followup) Scrambled or fertilized!
Q: How can you tell it's your daughter's time of the month?
A: By the taste of your son's penis.
AFK Protector
Master Don Juan
-walnuts
What are nuts on your chest?
-chestnuts
What are nuts on your chin?
MY D1CK IN YO MOUF!!!
"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"
Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."
You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.
She's been waiting forty minutes.
Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.
Microphone Fiend
Master Don Juan
lol
l
l
ahahaha.
here's one i saw on some site:
An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy,I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self-preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and
evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Q. Why does Barbara Bush always get on top ?
A. Because George can only **** up.
Q. How do you know if a woman is wearing underwear ?
A. Look for dandruff on her shoes.
Q. Whats the ultimate rejection ?
A. Your hand falling asleep while your having a wank.
Slimijs
Senior Don Juan
A: Cancer.
--
Q: Know what a Jewish dilemma is?
A: A free ham.
--
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
--
Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?
The Thalidomide Arms
go here
http://www.liquidice.co.uk/joke/sick.html
"You Can't Argue a Woman Into Liking You"
You made your case like a lawyer. Stable job. Good guy. Ready for something real. All true. All irrelevant.
She weighed your points, nodded along, felt nothing — then fell hard for some tattooed bartender with a motorcycle and a gambling problem.
Logic is where attraction goes to die. The "22 Rules" work a level deeper, on the subconscious switches that decide within minutes whether you register as a MAN or as part of the furniture.
Stop presenting evidence. Start flipping switches.
ShortTimer
Banned
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2002
- Messages
- 917
- Reaction score
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Q: What do you get when you stab a baby?
A: An erection.
willo
Don Juan
A: They get their head stuck in the jar.
This Times For Real
Don Juan
Slimijs
Senior Don Juan
"So, What Do You Do for Fun?"
She asks it casually, mid-sip. And you feel the floor open up, because the honest answer is work, gym, and a couple shows you're half-watching.
Women rarely say this out loud, but a man with a life is attractive before he says a word. The guy who spent Saturday deep-sea fishing and came back with photos and a story — he walks in already interesting.
The "22 Rules" pushed me to build a life worth talking about. Turns out the fastest way to be interesting to women is to be interested in your own life first.