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kingvavy said:Hi, I'm a newbie. First post. Married 7 years, 2 kids. Kids are 2 and 5. I work and earn more than enough for everyone. We have a nanny, and wife goes to a health club 5 days a week. Been sleeping in a separate bed for almost 10 months. No sex. No affection. Nothing. Wife blames all of our problems on me. Refuses to want to reconnect. We separated for 4 months. I've been back in the house for about 6 months now. We we're in counseling, then she ended it. The counseling gave me some insight into how I can improve things. It helped to defuse the anger, but when it came time to "reconnecting" she said she wasn't interested. Last week I was at the end of my rope and I stumbled onto this forum. I now realize, after reading through this forum, that I'm one of those super nice guys who keeps doing nice things, and that she has lost respect for me.
So I am an AFC. Big time. I get it. I made a few changes over the last week, and I've noticed a minor shift. I told her that the health club, and the nanny are luxuries and that given that she does not want to sleep in the same bed with me, or have a relationship, that I'm done paying for luxuries. She whipped her wedding ring off, threw it at my head and said "sell it, and give me the money. Then I will pay for the health club." I did slip a day later, and told her I wouldn't get rid of her membership, but for about a day I felt like a man. I have stopped showing her attention. I'm not ignoring her out of spite, or as a power-grab. I'm doing it because I'm sick of letting this person and their issues prevent me from having a happy life. I go out with friends, play sports, and generally try to enjoy myself as much as possible.
I do still love my wife very much, and deep in my heart I want to revive our relationship. I get that my nice guy ways have played a role in her losing respect for me. Thanks for listening to my story...p.s. it's our anniversary next week. My plan is to do and say nothing. If she makes a stink, I will tell her that there is no reason to celebrate given that we don't have a relationship. Advice is greatly appreciated!
And for the love of God, if you find hard proof that she is cheating, DO NOT freak out and confront her about it. Stay calm, and continue building your case against her. Get you a punching bag if you have to, to take out your anger.Danger said:[*]Get hard evidence if she is cheating.....private detective if you can.
Doesn't a no-fault divorce have to be agreed to by both parties? One still must file and serve the other, who then either agrees to no contest, or contests it. At least that's how it was for me in NY, but we were one of the last states to add no-fault and we just tacked it on to existing red tape.Bible_Belt said:Cheating is irrelevant to the divorce, at least from a legal perspective. Every state in the US has moved to no-fault divorce. She could be turning tricks on the street corner, and the judge won't care.
The best reason for the OP to not get a mistress right now is to keep the wife from going into attack mode while he is defenseless.
Ok now this changes things...a little. I lived with a BPD for about a year and a half around 10 years ago. And she drank. And when she drank? She yelled. And after a while I too started to cringe and kind of shrink back to avoid any type of confrontation. And this lasted for a year or two after we broke up. I wouldn't call it PTSD, but I was changed to a degree and it took me a while to overcome that. So I can sympathize with her there. Still doesn't change my overall critic.....that being you should start preparing for divorce. But I can see a little of her side now. People who scream and yell all the time, with alcohol added in? Absolute nightmares to live with. Maybe the worst kind actually.kingvavy said:OK, I really do appreciate the "prepare for the worst" (i.e divorce) tips. They are valuable, and I will start with this. That being said, I'm not quite there yet. I never discount the possibility of anything, but I'm pretty sure she is not banging anyone at the gym. You never know, but I am fairly certain she is not. Yes we are in separate beds, but to address Danger's response, I am in the master bedroom. She moved to the guest bedroom. I did have serious anger issues that added to where we are now. I was never physical, but shouted a lot and basically had a complete inability to manage my anger. My father was a horribly abusive alcoholic who treated my mom pretty bad. I went through a long period of anger management, and have been sober for 4 years. I have made serious changes, and that is in part why I haven' been served papers yet. She claims to have PTSD, so basically if I get even the slightest bit upset, she goes into some ultra defensive mode where she assumes the worst. I think the biggest reason I am an AFC, is because I grew up seeing my Mother constantly reduced to tears. Life is a *****. Her family background is equally messed up. Nuff said.
I don't know, am not a domestic lawyer, could be that it affects custody claims. Wasn't thinking legally but thinking about the social and family situation. The minute he cheats and it gets out, every crappy behavior of hers past present future is mitigated 110% in their social circle, she becomes a victim, her own cheating is rationalized instantly. Have seen this happen to friends seveal times where a b-tch of an ice cold or "let herself go" wife treats him like sh-t for years and then once he finally goes elsewhere and it gets out? She's instantly the victim of "that filthy pig" for all times. Also, there's the poisoning the kids angle, "daddy broke up our family because he wanted another woman." Don't be in that situation, rest assured she will be cooking ridiculous stuff up anyway.Colossus said:Cheating IS relevant, especially to child custody. Ask dasein.
That is absolutely the best thing you can do. You've already solved your issue. Now stick with it.kingvavy said:My plan is to spend the summer focusing on making myself happy and getting into the best shape possible. I spend too much time concerned about her. I need a break.