need some advice!

[Jamo]

Hi guys!

Im back after 6 months...dunno if that is a good thing haha!

This site really gave me alot of useful insights and really has helped me maintain a relationship for the past 6 months and I thank all you guys for that!

But just to be sure im on the right track im back for some more tips!

I have been dating this girl, (20 years old in college, Im 27) for the past 6 months. Everything has been very smooth running up till now. We have never fought over anything, we make time to spend with each other's friends -usually I go out with friends on Fridays (she does too), but on Saturdays I go out with her (I see her up to 3 times a week) and I have been maintaining my friendship with other women to prevent myself into slipping into AFC ways (Still I have those moments!). We have planned to go on a holiday together for New Years - so I also had to meet her parents recently.

So far so good, except last night (maybe it is just her PMS moment, but maybe it is something more sinister - It may be oversensitivity on my part due to my bad previous experiences). She came over to my place (I had friends over too), and we were all having a few drinks and chatting. So at one point a friend asked her what she was doing for New Years. She replied that we are going to go to Goa. And then I said yea it will be fun! To which she said..maybe I don't know about that... So I took her aside and said..what do you mean by that? She then kept quiet and said I dunno. Then I said..well if there is a problem I really would like to know right now, cause I don't want to oblige anyone. Then she said no there is no problem really, but I was speaking to a friend this morning and he said that I should not be going and that got me thinking..but whatever we are going. Then I said what is it that you can share with your "friend" that you cannot tell me? Then she said look we are sitting with people here so I don't want to talk about it, but just that I have so many problems in my life that it gets me thinking sometimes when friends give me advice - does not mean I listen to it.

After a while we all decided to go clubbing..I caught her for a moment alone and said ok so now what problems? She said oh you know, my studies, my work, all these pressures. Then I said yea ok they are not big problems, to which she said maybe not for you. (Then I give her a "spiel" about similar problems in the past that I had etc, to which she gave me a hug so I thought that was the end of it).

Fast foward to the end of the evening when I was dropping her home, I just said all problems in life are solvable as long as there is health and hope. Then she said well that is only if you think about yourslef, maybe there are problems with those you love. So I asked her is there some problem like that? She gave no direct answer to that.

Then just after leaving her I said ok lets meet Monday. Then she sarcastically said maybe I will be busy. Then I said- Are you working? Then she said no. Then I said so why not? She just gave me this half grin, and said I dunno maybe I might be busy. I said bye and left.

I think this is just wierd behavior after 6 months. Any advice please?

 

[JoeBlack]

You know, sometimes I think girls just go a bit wierd. Theres no rational explanation, you don't see it coming, they just go wierd.

It could be because you have slipped into some AFC ways with her and she is losing interest. She could just be testing you or she could just very well be being a bit wierd.

If it were me? I would make it clear that I am not standing for such silly games. Theres plenty of other gilrs that would like the chance to come away with me and she should buck up and stop playing games. Just be direct with her and say you have no time for her messing you about.

 

[Silkandsteel]

Hmmm...I see 2 things here that could be happenning...

You said thing have been cool right? no fights, etc...she's creating drama mate...she needs some chaos to keep her brain balanced...

1) Sh!t test - she's testing your foundations and how well you can handle her being so vague and confusing. Be resilient and strong. Tell her you're here for her, but it looks as though she needs some time to think through what her priorities are and then distance yourself a bit and give her time to feel the loss of you around while she does her thing. That way, you're not coming across desperate and that you can live without her but you're also respecting her need for time to get her head straight.

2) She's EXPECTING you to sort something out and it's escaped you. "There's nothing wrong" situation, where the guy is expected to know what's wrong with the woman and sort it out for both of you, again, perhaps a sh!t test. Think hard, have you given anything firm commitment-wise to this girl yet? or does she think you're still casual? she's maybe looking for affirmation that you're a real item, I can't say because I don't know from what you've said really.

Either way, I think be strong and focussed on yourself for a while. Women don't want solutions, they just want someone to listen and that's it, so give her a chance to talk through her issues somewhere neutral. If she's just not giving up info and continuing this game of not telling you anything, then make sure she knows it's unnacceptable, because you've tried to hear her concerns and she's not talking, so what can you do?

Give her some space, have fun AWAY from her and let her know your life is still going strong, but you're such a great guy, you're giving her her own space to deal with her issues.

If she needs time to study but she's conflicted about being apart from you, then that's GOOD for you really, so be a man and let her do her thing and she'll come back. Maintain communication, but keep it light.

Hey, this is just my opinion, get some other views first and then go with what feels right for you mate.

All the best.

 

[JoeBlack]

Very well put

 

[joekerr31]

your situation sounds pretty common place to be honest.

always remember in life there are three possibilities to any situation...

yes, no, maybe
black, white, grey

you have to figure out which you are dealing with. the key in life, in my opinion, is to take the 'maybe' or 'grey' situations, and work them to push them in one direction or another (ie. resolution). this applies to women, your job, your health, etc.

in this situation, from the limited info ive got to work with, i see...

1) black - she's setting the stage for walking out.

assessment: best way to tell if this is happening is your sex life. is she still hot to trot? is she still fun in bed? does she still go wild for your man meat?

2) white - she wants a commitment.

assessment: best way to tell if this is happening is to ask her where she sees the two of you in the future. sounds like an AFC question, but if you do it casually it can come off as you merely being interested in her thoughts and feelings. you're actually being dominant with this question, because you're taking away her ability to be nebulous. you're asking her to show her cards. after which, no matter how she reacts, you're now in the drivers seat, because now she has to wait to see how you react to her position.

3) grey - she has no idea what she's up to. maybe she has distractions. maybe she thinks her butt is getting big. maybe a relative is sick. who knows.

action: you can't assess the grey zone. its grey because of confusion, and theres no rationally assessing someone who is being irrational / confusing. the best way to handle this situation is to back away. when you back away one of two things will happen - she won't make any effort to close the gap (in which case scenario #1 looks to be what's going on) or she will try to pull you back in, in which case #2 looks to be whats going on (but before you get pulled back in assess her as explained in #2 above).


no matter how you cut it, basically what she is doing is standing up to in her chic way. whether that be to pull away for good at some point, to test how much you need her, or because other things in her life are taking priority over you and she doesn't know where you fit in her life anymore.

always remember, if YOU ARE THE PRIZE, then its not you who has to worry about keeping her in your life, rather its HER who has to worry about pleasing you enough that you want her around.

when a woman starts to displease you, you have to pull back. either you do that or you bend over backwards to regain her interest, and guess what, you've just become a full fledge AFC doing that. either you keep your balls or you let her have them, it's your choice.

 

[decades]

you are slipping into being an AFC. Its clear something has changed or is changing and you are in a panic and trying to find out what the problem is and what YOU can do to fix it. She is kind of messing with you and you are falling into the trap. What you have to do is Back Off even though it is going to be so hard for you. You have got some oneitis here because you are attached to this trip and very worried that her feelings have changed.

What I would do is tell her that you are planning to go and that she has to let you know ASAP if she is on board. If she stalls then tell her you are going without her or the trip is off. You need to get some power back. Give her a few days to decide. She has some abivleance and is wavering. That's not a great sign. Realize she is very young. She isn't ready for commitment it seems so you have to alter your thinking if that's where your mind is.

If she says no she doesn't want to go, then you need to pull back emotionally because she is not as invested as you are. If she stalls and doesn't give her answer, tell her the trip is off and that you are making other plans.

Pull back and let her do some of the worry, some of the thinking. Make her come to you. You are chasing and she knows it. Turn it around.

regards

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Start giving her a taste of her own medicine.

Don't contact her to demand an explanation, or to "Talk" about it, or anything your logical brain wants to hear.

Tell her you don't have time, you're too busy.

Be the first one to break it off and/or start the "we need time off" type of talk.

You need to beat her to the punch, and put it all out there first, before she realizes she has more control over you. She's definitely loosing interest and you need the equivalent of "Attraction Viagra" to save this one.

 

[Jamo]

hehe

So now I need to follow either Jokerr's or Gangster's advice hehe

Hmm tough one.

On balance since it has been 6 months, so therefore there is more depth to the relationship I think Jokerr's approach is more appropriate, but if it is the first month kinda thing I think Gangster's is more applicable.


Assesment 1- Unlikely because (reference to Gangster's opinion) she is well aware that I do have alot of options - she knows that alot of my friends are female and most are very attractive. Being Russia honestly it is very very easy to find another girl - especially for a stable guy (but before anyone comments on that alot of them are sluts, which I am totally fedup of, and this girl clearly is not plus I really do like her).
Assessment 2 - I think this is most likely where it is at because I think that going on a vacation with a guy is a really big deal for her (she has NEVER done that before - in fact she has never left the country!), and I actually met her folks only last weekend which may have raised the issue. It also might be a case of insecurity because she really gets jealous of other girls easily
Assessment 3 Quite likely, because she is confused about what she wants to do with her life etc - but I also do know that she wants a steady relationship.

If Assessment 2 is correct Gangster's approach may be very counterproductive and confirm to her that I am just being totally casual about the whole thing (failing the **** test).

I think Jokerr's suggestion of just asking her straight up of where she sees us in the future (in a casual manner) is the correct one. But I will not show that I am affected by what happened last night.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Mate, at 20 years old, she will change a lot more than you think she's changed in the past 6 months. She will be very different at 22 than she is now. Very different at 24 than at 22, etc. "Where do you see us in the future?" You can ask it. You are counting on everything being logical and her giving you a logical, informed answer. Even if she wanted to, she doesn't know the answer to that. At best, if she really cares and makes time to over analyze it, you will just freak her out more.

Why do you think they play those games? Because they work on the typical predictable male. Joekerr's "White" does not apply, the others will apply from week to week. At that age, she can't possibly be sure about anthing.You will do what you want, regardless. You will learn, and better be prepared when you encounter a similar situation.

 

[joekerr31]

just to be clear, if you were to ask "where do you see us going?' you have to do it in a casual cavalier way.

if you do it with seriousness, she will think you are freaking out and are doing this because you can't stand not knowing if she wants you.

like if your cooking dinner and have 10 things on the go at once and she's just standing around yacking about nothing important.. you can slip it in 'so babe, where do you think our lives will be in a year from now?"

its more of a thinking out loud thing. and as long as its in the context of a casual question, it will serve its purpose with no harm done.

sorry, i should have been more clear on that point.

 

[Jamo]

wierd

Ok...apparently there is no problem at all. She just had a bad day, and people that are close to her always say things that is all. So I told her that I did not appreciate being a "punching bag" to take out her moods on (calmly of course), and she applogized but she said that she can be like that sometimes.

Women = wierd

 

[Silkandsteel]

Haha, yes, yes they can...

 

[Jamo]

Joeblack was right hehe

 

[JoeBlack]

not often that happens lol..