"The Coffee Shop Girl You Never Spoke To"
You've replayed it a hundred times. She stood three feet away, scrolling her phone. You had an opening. You composed the perfect line — after she was gone.
For all you know, she's married now. To some guy who said something. Anything.
Openers are cheap. Almost any sentence works when it's delivered within three seconds. The expensive part is the standing there, drafting and deleting, while the window quietly closes.
The "22 Rules" stripped out my hesitation. What to open with, how to keep it alive, and the one habit that costs guys more women than anything else: waiting for perfect.
Need serious help, about to turn 40 and never had a gf or sex
- Thread starter 39year_old_virgin
- Start date
- Status
"How I Made Sure No Woman Ever Friend-Zoned Me Again"
She calls you when her car breaks down. When she needs help moving. When some guy she's actually dating treats her badly.
You're the listener. The reliable one. The guy who would treat her so much better, if she'd just open her eyes.
She won't. You trained her to see you as the low-effort option — the friend who requires zero risk and zero investment. Every favor dug the hole deeper.
The "22 Rules" break the pattern. You'll stop auditioning for a role she already cast and become the man she chases instead. It starts with Rule 1.
Interceptor
Master Don Juan
The stronger we believe in ourselves , the more Faith we can have in ourselves creating what we want to create.
The more we desire what it is that we truly WANT, the more Hope we can have for it coming to fruition.
Life is meant to be lived, explored, and benefitted from. Sure, its hard for many of us to believe that, but I do say it is true.
It is not designed to merely produce Suffering.
Life IS a lot like School. You can hate the teachers, students, time frames, etc..but you have to realize that you are getting some Education.
It may not be what you really really want....but that serves as a signal to find out what do you really want after all.
There were some classes you liked, some you didnt.
Life is the same way.
There are people, places, things, experiences we did not like or enjoy, but it lets us know what we dont want in our lives.
Now , as grown Men, we get to decide and choose what we DO want in our lives.
As children we were handed things, and not the things we really wanted, or needed quite often.
We arent children anymore.
So we cant live in a semi adolescent frame anymore.
Letting other people decide major life decisions for us. These are just some things that keep us back.
You know, sometimes we actually are afraid of taking responsibilty, because we dont want to be responsible if we make a Mistake. Thats a HUGE thing for a lot us. But its not Correct thinking. It is operating out of Fear, fear out of what MAY happen...not taking into account us taking INSPIRED Action to create the Life we DO want.
We cant always live our lives in reactonary form.
Mistakes WILL happen. But not living life because we are AFRAID of making mistakes, and worse having someone WITNESS it is actually the BIGGEST mistake we can make. Think about this.
The thing about 'never had a GF or sex' is only a small symptom of a greater hindrance in your life.
You must look behind all that.
And find the roots of your beliefs that made you make those choices that led you here.
With the anology of school letting you know what kind of career or classes or whatever that you dont want, and making observations about what you do want to do....then use the same basic reference and look at your life.
What do you really want??
You have a general idea of what you dont want.
What DO you want in your life?
What kind of Man do you want to unleash in yourSelf??
What are you doing to protect and preserve and improve your Health, Wealth, and Well Being?
These are incredibly important things to concern ourselves with.
So you can see ultimately it simply is not all about 'banging some chicks'.
Because your overall Life isnt going to simply be 'magical' or greatly improved really.
Sure, you will be getting physical satisfaction.
But look closely at what you need. And look at what is Reality and what is merely fluffing up your Ego. And make sure you are following YOUR Heart's desire, not what some person is TELLING you that you must want.
This is also pretty crucial. And a very difficult thing for a lot of men. Sometimes we can be pretty heavy handed and shame other men for not wanting what WE think we want, when we should be allowing the other person to decide what is good for them or not.
If a guy doesnt WANT an LTR, or even if he DOES...we're no one to tell him he cant have that...or try to deny him that which for whatever reason he has decided he wants to experience. Its up to him to decide after the experience if its something he wants to continue to keep doing.
But always remember, we're all HUMAN Beings. So we pretty much NEED the SAME THINGS, oh sure, we may WANT different things, but pretty much we all have the same basic wiring. Thats why you should always be cautious about accepting someone's indoctrination and covert brain washing....
Think about this.
I know there are a LOT of things here for you to reflect on.
But merely doing that sets you apart from those checked out men who have handed over thier lives to someone or something else other than themSelves.
Life is for the Living.
Life is meant to be lived...experienced....not Conceptualized.
Many men tend to overthink and overanalyze and live inside a 'thinking box' so to speak, when all they really NEED to do is go out there in the ring.
You CAN be trained to 'fight', cant you?
You're not some wimpy, wuss boy who goes crying to his mama over every thing , right?
I know you're not.
We all arent.
And we ALL can be trained to 'fight' out there.
And it doesnt HAVE to be a 'fight' ALL the time. We can learn a great deal about ourselves and others when we're having fun too. Always remember that.
But we do have to look inside of ourselves, our minds, our thoughts, our motivations. And Im sorry we HAVE to do that, because it IS time consuming, and sometimes not glamorous or fun , or whatever.
But we HAVE to be on top of the Game. And true Champions are looking on how to improve, not sit back and kick over the same sh*t over and over and have the "woe is me" attitude.
We DO have to reflect on our TRUE Motivations.
Are we doing something to impress some random, stranger , some female or someone that we need to impress???
"Look at my car. Look at my house. Look at my Rolex. Look at all I can buy you!!!"
What about YOU...the Man???
THATS what She NEEDS.
She NEEDS a MAN.
Not your car. Or watch or Armani suit.
Who is the guy behind all that?
A strong, decisive, forward thinking confident Man???
Or the guy who doesnt think highly of himself and needs her approval????
Please think about this.
its not pretty..its not fun....it doesnt always feel good....
...but the Men, whom we really respect and admire DO this all the time.
They look deep inside and question themselves. And the fix what is Wrong inside. They dont feel beneath anyone, and they remain 'teachable'.
The know that theyre worth it. And the want to share their lives with people whom are worth it too.
The more we desire what it is that we truly WANT, the more Hope we can have for it coming to fruition.
Life is meant to be lived, explored, and benefitted from. Sure, its hard for many of us to believe that, but I do say it is true.
It is not designed to merely produce Suffering.
Life IS a lot like School. You can hate the teachers, students, time frames, etc..but you have to realize that you are getting some Education.
It may not be what you really really want....but that serves as a signal to find out what do you really want after all.
There were some classes you liked, some you didnt.
Life is the same way.
There are people, places, things, experiences we did not like or enjoy, but it lets us know what we dont want in our lives.
Now , as grown Men, we get to decide and choose what we DO want in our lives.
As children we were handed things, and not the things we really wanted, or needed quite often.
We arent children anymore.
So we cant live in a semi adolescent frame anymore.
Letting other people decide major life decisions for us. These are just some things that keep us back.
You know, sometimes we actually are afraid of taking responsibilty, because we dont want to be responsible if we make a Mistake. Thats a HUGE thing for a lot us. But its not Correct thinking. It is operating out of Fear, fear out of what MAY happen...not taking into account us taking INSPIRED Action to create the Life we DO want.
We cant always live our lives in reactonary form.
Mistakes WILL happen. But not living life because we are AFRAID of making mistakes, and worse having someone WITNESS it is actually the BIGGEST mistake we can make. Think about this.
The thing about 'never had a GF or sex' is only a small symptom of a greater hindrance in your life.
You must look behind all that.
And find the roots of your beliefs that made you make those choices that led you here.
With the anology of school letting you know what kind of career or classes or whatever that you dont want, and making observations about what you do want to do....then use the same basic reference and look at your life.
What do you really want??
You have a general idea of what you dont want.
What DO you want in your life?
What kind of Man do you want to unleash in yourSelf??
What are you doing to protect and preserve and improve your Health, Wealth, and Well Being?
These are incredibly important things to concern ourselves with.
So you can see ultimately it simply is not all about 'banging some chicks'.
Because your overall Life isnt going to simply be 'magical' or greatly improved really.
Sure, you will be getting physical satisfaction.
But look closely at what you need. And look at what is Reality and what is merely fluffing up your Ego. And make sure you are following YOUR Heart's desire, not what some person is TELLING you that you must want.
This is also pretty crucial. And a very difficult thing for a lot of men. Sometimes we can be pretty heavy handed and shame other men for not wanting what WE think we want, when we should be allowing the other person to decide what is good for them or not.
If a guy doesnt WANT an LTR, or even if he DOES...we're no one to tell him he cant have that...or try to deny him that which for whatever reason he has decided he wants to experience. Its up to him to decide after the experience if its something he wants to continue to keep doing.
But always remember, we're all HUMAN Beings. So we pretty much NEED the SAME THINGS, oh sure, we may WANT different things, but pretty much we all have the same basic wiring. Thats why you should always be cautious about accepting someone's indoctrination and covert brain washing....
Think about this.
I know there are a LOT of things here for you to reflect on.
But merely doing that sets you apart from those checked out men who have handed over thier lives to someone or something else other than themSelves.
Life is for the Living.
Life is meant to be lived...experienced....not Conceptualized.
Many men tend to overthink and overanalyze and live inside a 'thinking box' so to speak, when all they really NEED to do is go out there in the ring.
You CAN be trained to 'fight', cant you?
You're not some wimpy, wuss boy who goes crying to his mama over every thing , right?
I know you're not.
We all arent.
And we ALL can be trained to 'fight' out there.
And it doesnt HAVE to be a 'fight' ALL the time. We can learn a great deal about ourselves and others when we're having fun too. Always remember that.
But we do have to look inside of ourselves, our minds, our thoughts, our motivations. And Im sorry we HAVE to do that, because it IS time consuming, and sometimes not glamorous or fun , or whatever.
But we HAVE to be on top of the Game. And true Champions are looking on how to improve, not sit back and kick over the same sh*t over and over and have the "woe is me" attitude.
We DO have to reflect on our TRUE Motivations.
Are we doing something to impress some random, stranger , some female or someone that we need to impress???
"Look at my car. Look at my house. Look at my Rolex. Look at all I can buy you!!!"
What about YOU...the Man???
THATS what She NEEDS.
She NEEDS a MAN.
Not your car. Or watch or Armani suit.
Who is the guy behind all that?
A strong, decisive, forward thinking confident Man???
Or the guy who doesnt think highly of himself and needs her approval????
Please think about this.
its not pretty..its not fun....it doesnt always feel good....
...but the Men, whom we really respect and admire DO this all the time.
They look deep inside and question themselves. And the fix what is Wrong inside. They dont feel beneath anyone, and they remain 'teachable'.
The know that theyre worth it. And the want to share their lives with people whom are worth it too.
EvilAgenda
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Mar 10, 2009
- Messages
- 372
- Reaction score
- 21
Believe me when I say, there are THOUSANDS of other people just like you. What separates YOU from THEM is that you are WILLING to do something about it, whereas they just gave up.
--------------------------------------------------
There are LOTS of people even on this forum that never had sex, that decided and are going through the same steps that you are willing to go through. What are those steps? HERE THEY ARE:
1) Admitting your own faults to yourself is the first step to self-improvement.
2) Reading the material is the second step.
3) TESTING the material is the third and the most important step.
4) And as you gain experience, you will notice improvements not just in your personal life, but also in your social life. You will become more attractive to OTHERS. It is a slow process at first. Don't rush it. Don't force it. Let it come natural. Do it at your OWN pace, but DO IT none-the-less.
Make it a habit to go out and talk to at least one stranger per day - man OR woman, it doesn't matter. It takes 21 days to make and break a habit. Talk to one stranger for 21 days in a row.
5) Become a "yes man." Watch Jim Carry's movie - Yes, Man.
6) Have fun having sex. Make a girl REALLY attracted to you. And the more attracted to you she feels,,the better the sex will be for her (and for you),,EVEN IF YOU SUCK AT IT!
--------------------------------------------------
Interceptor
Master Don Juan
:crackup: This was great.
"I'm Not Looking for Anything Serious Right Now"
When a woman says it, guys hear a confession. A heads-up. A scheduling conflict.
Here's the translation: I don't feel anything. Right now. With you.
Watch what happens when a man triggers actual attraction. The busy career, the recent breakup, the "not in a place to date" — all of it evaporates instantly. The same woman who was guarding her freedom is suddenly free every night.
The "22 Rules" explain why. When the right switches flip, her timeline rearranges itself around you.
There are wayyyyyyyy too many cliches in this paragraph for me to believe that this is for real. I am betting on you being a troll.. sorry.39year_old_virgin said:Now it is even worse for me than before, I am beginning to lose my hair and I am also unemployed and had to move in with my mother. I became addicted to World of Warcraft as a kind of escape from my miserable existance, but I always held this fairytale notion that I would fall in love with a beautiful woman and marry her and live happily ever after, and it never happened. So now I am a short, fat 39 year old virgin who will be 40 in a few months time.
Throw away the "I'm a virgin" attitude, it has no bearing on anything, the idea itself will hinder you.
When I had sex for the first time I simply faked like I knew what I was doing and the chick I was with didn't have a clue. It's easier then you think. All I did was "lead" into sex pretty much doing what I wanted and things sort of fell into place. You'll find you can get your rhythm going best when you're relaxed and focused on having a good time.
You won't feel confident unless you're somewhat satisfied with your appearance, I'd say while you're working on that you can practice making small talk with women to calm your nerves in the event that you actually start asking women out.
The biggest lesson I learned was that you have to get comfortable with putting your ego on the line by "initiating" things with women. I'm still not the best conversationalist but I make an effort because I know if I don't I won't get anywhere.
I remember an instance where I was hugging this chick as she was sitting on my lap and I was pushing my lips up towards hers to kiss but she wouldn't turn her head. I literally had to "take" the kiss, but after I did that she was all over me. Most women just want you to step up and be the Man by taking initiative.
You can be "friendly" with women but make sure you throw some flirtations out there so they know you're comfortable with being a sexual Man who goes after what he wants.
When I had sex for the first time I simply faked like I knew what I was doing and the chick I was with didn't have a clue. It's easier then you think. All I did was "lead" into sex pretty much doing what I wanted and things sort of fell into place. You'll find you can get your rhythm going best when you're relaxed and focused on having a good time.
You won't feel confident unless you're somewhat satisfied with your appearance, I'd say while you're working on that you can practice making small talk with women to calm your nerves in the event that you actually start asking women out.
The biggest lesson I learned was that you have to get comfortable with putting your ego on the line by "initiating" things with women. I'm still not the best conversationalist but I make an effort because I know if I don't I won't get anywhere.
I remember an instance where I was hugging this chick as she was sitting on my lap and I was pushing my lips up towards hers to kiss but she wouldn't turn her head. I literally had to "take" the kiss, but after I did that she was all over me. Most women just want you to step up and be the Man by taking initiative.
You can be "friendly" with women but make sure you throw some flirtations out there so they know you're comfortable with being a sexual Man who goes after what he wants.
GQ_Confidence_1
Don Juan
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2005
- Messages
- 161
- Reaction score
- 7
I'm 31, although I dont feel like it. I hear you about, life going by faster than you realize....you wake up and you've been on the internet for 5 or 10 years, and life is passing you by.
I was practically invisible with women in middle school and highschool. The most advanced I ever got with a girl was asking her about a subject in class, short little conversations. Forget about dating, holding hands or anything like that.
I think 90% of success with women is social skills, social awareness. The stereotypical steve carrell character in 40 year old virgin was socially unaware in his teens and early 20's. Maybe til late 20's. Then it just snowballs. And you end up 40 playing with star wars figures.
I can't overemphasis social awareness, that was a monster difference for me. Not being the life of the party, but being on her level socially. Then if you add a little bit of this seduction game it should be pretty easy.
I'd also advise, just getting out and people watching. Going to the beach, an outdoor mall. Its something I've done more this year to make up for lost time. Going out for 2 hours, 4 hours, maybe all day on a weekend. And looking at the girls at the beach, looking at womens fashions, soaking it all in. It may take a long time, 4 months, 6 months or longer, depending on how comfortable you are. But the more you're out, the more you're comfortable.
For anyone thats been on the internet a long time, longer than they've wanted, go to flickr, and type in different terms...like college girl, beach girl, blonde beach, etc and you realize the variety of women you havent been exposed to. Its different than just going to your local beach or club. Use it to inspire you....like, I've never met that kind of girl.
Start with little goals and work your way bigger. You've got a ton of quality info on this site.
I was practically invisible with women in middle school and highschool. The most advanced I ever got with a girl was asking her about a subject in class, short little conversations. Forget about dating, holding hands or anything like that.
I think 90% of success with women is social skills, social awareness. The stereotypical steve carrell character in 40 year old virgin was socially unaware in his teens and early 20's. Maybe til late 20's. Then it just snowballs. And you end up 40 playing with star wars figures.
I can't overemphasis social awareness, that was a monster difference for me. Not being the life of the party, but being on her level socially. Then if you add a little bit of this seduction game it should be pretty easy.
I'd also advise, just getting out and people watching. Going to the beach, an outdoor mall. Its something I've done more this year to make up for lost time. Going out for 2 hours, 4 hours, maybe all day on a weekend. And looking at the girls at the beach, looking at womens fashions, soaking it all in. It may take a long time, 4 months, 6 months or longer, depending on how comfortable you are. But the more you're out, the more you're comfortable.
For anyone thats been on the internet a long time, longer than they've wanted, go to flickr, and type in different terms...like college girl, beach girl, blonde beach, etc and you realize the variety of women you havent been exposed to. Its different than just going to your local beach or club. Use it to inspire you....like, I've never met that kind of girl.
Start with little goals and work your way bigger. You've got a ton of quality info on this site.
CrypticCaptain
Banned
- Joined
- May 11, 2009
- Messages
- 12
- Reaction score
- 0
I do alot of people watching, not sure if it helps, but I do. I go out alot, hours on end, only to come home and feel even more miserable than I did before. I gotta call a shrink to sort all this out for me. I am 23, and have felt the life passing me by thing for a long time. I felt that way at 16 even. Wtf was wrong there?
I mean, I feel something not even invisible socially with women, it's like, not even knowing how to change when you want to. Middle and high school were a nightmare for me, so much to where I am still somewhat in that mentality. College never really happened, so I didn't even really get the chance to let it all out of my system and expereience whatever it is you are supposed to go through in that period.
I mean, I feel something not even invisible socially with women, it's like, not even knowing how to change when you want to. Middle and high school were a nightmare for me, so much to where I am still somewhat in that mentality. College never really happened, so I didn't even really get the chance to let it all out of my system and expereience whatever it is you are supposed to go through in that period.
"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.
Quiter!!39year_old_virgin said:
Anyhow, don't give up hope yet mate! Just clap your hands and tell yourself: "today is gonna be a good day!". Who knows, you might actually start having a good day. I Guess the rest is already been said and doesn't need repeating
39year_old_virgin
Don Juan
- Joined
- May 21, 2009
- Messages
- 17
- Reaction score
- 0
- Age
- 57
well, memorial day weekend has come and gone, I went for a walk on the beach over the weekend and it made me feel even lonlier watching all the people having fun and partying on the beach with their beautiful girlfriends and wives. Women to me just seem somehow unnatainable, like they are these beautiful things and they are too good for me. Makes me feel sad that life has passed me by. At least at home I don't feel this way on my computer.
But I am not going to try to let my feelings of inadequacy stop me, even if it hurts.
But I am not going to try to let my feelings of inadequacy stop me, even if it hurts.
eaglez1177
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2008
- Messages
- 1,320
- Reaction score
- 21
This has to be a joke
39year_old_virgin
Don Juan
- Joined
- May 21, 2009
- Messages
- 17
- Reaction score
- 0
- Age
- 57
gee thanks, that really makes me feel good, I am that much of a freak?eaglez1177 said:
"So, What Do You Do for Fun?"
She asks it casually, mid-sip. And you feel the floor open up, because the honest answer is work, gym, and a couple shows you're half-watching.
Women rarely say this out loud, but a man with a life is attractive before he says a word. The guy who spent Saturday deep-sea fishing and came back with photos and a story — he walks in already interesting.
The "22 Rules" pushed me to build a life worth talking about. Turns out the fastest way to be interesting to women is to be interested in your own life first.
39year_old_virgin
Don Juan
- Joined
- May 21, 2009
- Messages
- 17
- Reaction score
- 0
- Age
- 57
I guess I am an example of how horrible things can become if you don't improve when you are young. You are lucky you found this board and you have the interenet to find info from at your age. When I was your age there was nothing. I was raised by my divorced mom who always complained about men and I never had a male role model even. That, combined with my religious upbringing, and I used to think it was somehow dirty to approach women when I had sex in the back of my mind. I also wanted to marry a pure virgin woman and only ever have sex with her, and she was going to be perfect in every way, look where that thinking got me.C-quenced said:
I have tried to make some approaches yesterday evening but I get nervous, like break out into a cold sweat kinda nervous whenever I try to start to make an approach. There was this beautiful woman in the coffee shop in line this morning and it was horrible, I tried to say somehting to her and I only ended up studdering. She said something like "I'm sorry, what did you say?" and gave me a confused look when I cannot say anything coherent to her, except, "uh, nevermind" and my face I think turned bright red. This is how difficult it is for me to talk to strange women nowadays. At least she didn't scream or go "eww, gross, quit talking to me you freak!" or anything.
Ok 39 year old bvirgin, please stop with all this redundant self loathing, melancholy bullsh!t
BE POSITIVE!!!
yes, your current situation sucks, but take charge of the situation. If you really do have the will to improve then you will stop posting negativity on this thread and move forward!
HELL, have fun with it!!!!!!!! Life can be real fun if you stop taking things so seriously!
Ok, you may have social anxiety concerning women, but I think this is due to all the negativity drummed into your head!!
You have just as much a right as anyone else to think a woman is hot, to want to fvck her, to talk to her, to ask her out, to date her etc...
the sooner you get thoughts like that drummed in your head, the better!!!
Dj In Hell
BE POSITIVE!!!
yes, your current situation sucks, but take charge of the situation. If you really do have the will to improve then you will stop posting negativity on this thread and move forward!
HELL, have fun with it!!!!!!!! Life can be real fun if you stop taking things so seriously!
Ok, you may have social anxiety concerning women, but I think this is due to all the negativity drummed into your head!!
You have just as much a right as anyone else to think a woman is hot, to want to fvck her, to talk to her, to ask her out, to date her etc...
the sooner you get thoughts like that drummed in your head, the better!!!
Dj In Hell
nightcrawler
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2007
- Messages
- 420
- Reaction score
- 5
sorry but I refuse to believe in the 39 year old virgin.
godofanxiety
Don Juan
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2007
- Messages
- 127
- Reaction score
- 2
sorry but i refuse to believe some people apparently need help pulling extremely hot women every other night i'm so cool lololol sosuave is for losers your fantasy is my reality that's how cool i am
Listen to these guys, work out and eat healthy. No more feeling sorry for yourself either. I think you can get most of the way in about half a year. First thing you need to do is work on finding a job. 40 with no job? I don't care what kinda job it is...but you need to find something that makes you feel like you have a purpose in life. EAT HEALTHY, this will improve your looks dramatically...go on the fitness forum and read everything there is about nutrition and exercise.
Seriously man, the only way you'll get anywhere is if you work hard. That's the only way and I think you've got enough motivation to do it.
Seriously man, the only way you'll get anywhere is if you work hard. That's the only way and I think you've got enough motivation to do it.
"How I Made Sure No Woman Ever Friend-Zoned Me Again"
She calls you when her car breaks down. When she needs help moving. When some guy she's actually dating treats her badly.
You're the listener. The reliable one. The guy who would treat her so much better, if she'd just open her eyes.
She won't. You trained her to see you as the low-effort option — the friend who requires zero risk and zero investment. Every favor dug the hole deeper.
The "22 Rules" break the pattern. You'll stop auditioning for a role she already cast and become the man she chases instead. It starts with Rule 1.
- Status