Need help being a man

[Jariel]

I have a problem and it comes down to the fact that I'm insecure, emotional and over-sensitive. I have been this way for years and it is the root of a lot of problems for me.

I develop oneitis very easily and become almost obsessed with that person. I end up thinking about her all the time to the point where I cannot get any work done or even enjoy my interests.

I have used this board and a lot of seduction material and I have learned how to hide oneitis, play cool and indifferent. I know never to let a woman treat me like a doormat, but I have learned nothing that helps me deal with the oneitis at its root.

Worse still, when a relationship is working out, my emotions start affecting my perspective, I lose sight of all my knowledge, I get irrational and end up ruining it.

After a recent break up, which I have analysed and obsessed over on this forum, I'm still thinking about her. It's hurting a lot and everything else in my life is looking very insignificant.

I know I should handle it like a "man", go out and find other women etc, but that still comes down to a false act. I can strut, dress, talk and seduce like a man, yet I still feel like a goddamn wuss beneath it all.

Hopefully, someone on these boards can understand and relate to what I'm saying here.

 

[Jariel]

I also have to add that women really seem to fall for me quite quickly when they first get to meet me. They see my superficial qualities and view me as physically attractive, confident, popular and charismatic. However, as soon as they get to see that I'm a sensitive person and ultimately an emotionally weak person, it becomes offputting.

 

[squirrels]

Seriously, dude, the BEST way to get out of the oneitis cycle is to date more women.

Back when I was in school, one-itis was a COMMON thing for me. I had a break-out year last year where I dated, hung out with, picked up a lot of women, and honestly, there's nothing magical or special about them. Sure, every girl has her own "good points," but it's near impossible for me to develop "one-itis" for them.

Also, you need to stop taking yourself so seriously. HAVE FUN with this stuff...don't let anything in life become an obsession or affect your sense of self-worth.

Once you become happy with who you are and what you're doing, you won't have so much of a need to try and rise to be "worthy" of the girl's pedestal. And at the same time you'll stop putting girls on pedestals because you'll be meeting and getting to know them and learn that they don't deserve them any mroe than we do.

 

[Double]

the situations you described are not exactly like my experiences but i can relate to them, and probably the advice i give to you was more aimed at myself than at you, thinking about that.

what my solution is? i promised to myself that i will NOT go for what i finally want - a LTR. instead i will just do what the people who are easily influenced think of me anyway - being a player/assh0le OR i will just do just NOTHING if i can control my horniness, basically i want to do as little as possible with women, if i get a easy lay fine, if not ok. this is hard but i need time to figure myself out before i can feel masculine and satisfied deep inside and go for a healthy LTR. in no way i see why getting with lots of women should help me regarding this issue.

i don't know what will work for you, but i need a job/school/university place which fits me better than my old. i need some more muscle mass and improvement on my looks. i want to get better in touch with my spiritual side through things like zen/buddishm.

aside from that, are you still cutting?it certainly doesn't help to feel more manly. and you'r saying that you dress and style very metrosexual, what exactly does that mean for you? personally i can say i feel more manly if i have a 3day beart, wear a leather jacket,mohawk etc.....than when i ummm dress and style more metrosexual....fvck being a pretty boy....

 

[Giuseppe Notte]

Dude,

even the top seduction gurus get oneitis for girls - it's just the way things are. You have to learn to deal with it.

In your case however, it's ruining your common sense which is not good.

Friend, do you have your life together? Do you do things that satisfy you? Are you happy?

If the answer is yes, the problem is rooted elsewhere.

If your answer is no however, then you have to work on YOUR INNER WORLD first.

How is that done? Try to enjoy yourself more. As easy as it sounds, it's a lot harder than that. Take up various hobbies (dancing, working out, martial arts, collecting stamps, whatever - just don't sit at home!), meditate, go out with your friends and social circle, socialize etc.

The last thing you should do is to sit at home till your wounds heal.

These are inner issues and you will have to decide to end your own misery FOR ONCE and good. No one can help you in this - but you can HELP YOURSELF.

Once you decide to "f_u_c_k it", your whole mysery will suddenly disappear.

And till then, please don't sit at home. As I said go out to clubs, learn to dance (I recommend salsa) and do something.

Hope this helps.

 

[Jariel]

I honestly expected a lot of insulting replies to this thread, so I value the input here and see a lot of good advice.

I think everyone has said something worth listening to and applying here:

I really do need to stop taking myself so seriously and have more fun with women. I'm not into ons, but maybe I should be living more for the moment and for myself.

It's also true that I am lacking in interests and passions right now and need to find something to occupy my mind and give me a goal to aim for again. I have let some friendships slip too and could do with getting in touch with some people and getting out more.

Another interesting point that you guys brought to my attention is that my testosterone levels are very low at the moment and it may be related to my cutting cycle. When I was bulking, I was more bold, sexually motivated and had no issue with dating and nexting women. Right now I have let my masculinity slip and I literally feel more sensitive as a result. And though I'm getting a lot of female attention initially, I may be losing it for this reason.

Thanks again guys for the respectful and useful replies.

 

[Royal Elite]

Here's a good affirmation to get you on your way to being more manily, it works for me. You ready this is a big one ok here it goes:

"I dont care, or i dont give a hell"

Most of men problems with being to soft is rooted that so many of us care to much about other's opinion when the majority of "those" are just as self conscious as you are.

The reason people drink is because it helps them to "not care" about what people think or say, but the problem is it impairs normal thinking also.

Get up everyday and look in the mirror and simply say "I dont care, or I dont give a hell what people think or say about me." Practice this over and over again, and also work on being the best you (dressing, working out, and read to help increase your IQ).

 

[rgeere]

I am not surprised that you feel the way you do, when in reality a great deal of the world population is insecure in some regard. Putting on a false face is how many in the world have learned to cope with the insecurity.

I guess the question should be asked on whether you actually love yourself, and whether you love others, and live up to your potential. If the answer is yes, then you will have reason to be secure, if the answer is no, then you will continue to live with insecurity. This is really what the world is lacking, and why there is so much insecurity. Searching out good people who know this same thing will help you overcome your insecurities, and so will a good woman if you can find one.

 

[NewMan]

Ask yourself a question.

Are you happy with your life?

A lot of self belief comes from happiness with what your doing, where you are going - what people/friends you have in your life.

 

[Wyldfire]

Jariel...this is a common problem for a lot of people. I MIGHT be able to help you with this problem. But first you need to understand why this happens to you (and to many others).

People tend to have an image in their mind of their "Ideal Mate", or "The One". Then they meet someone who they are attracted to who also seems to be attracted to them. The desire to find that ever elusive "Ideal Mate" is so strong that people try to make every person that they get involved with fit that image...even if they don't. Flaws are overlooked, good qualities are exaggerated and the imagination runs wild. Then the person will convince themselves that this is "The One". Perhaps it's that the heart wants so badly for you to find that "Ideal Mate" that it allows you to talk yourself into putting all your hopes and desires into this one person. It's troublesome, for sure.

I think the best way for you to overcome the "oneitis" is to develop some kind of exercises you can do to help yourself be more realistic about the women you get involved with. It could be as simple as writing down their good and bad traits on a piece of paper...forcing yourself to be honest and not ignore the bad or exaggerate the good. Then remind yourself that these traits really aren't so rare that this is the only person to have them. There is no "One" person who is Ideal for you. There are many, many people out there that each of us could have a very happy and fulfilling relationship with. You don't need to try to make every woman who comes into your life fit the image of your "Ideal Mate". If you can stop doing that, I think you'll find that you will have less problems with the "oneitis".

Good luck...

 

[TheInfamousCBear]

The problem is that you worry about girls too much...If you were as confident as you think, you wouldnt even stress over one girl cause you know there are other girls that will like you...When you think this way, you wont care litte trivial sh1t that girls do cause you know you can go else where, so it makes it look like you have more options....And even if you have a dry spell you wouldnt care either cause you know you can get girls, so it wont even be an issue...

 

[Tha Realnezz]

Yeah man you need to start worrying about yourself a lil bit more and about other people a lil bit less.

Really you won't learn that people aren't worth crying over till you get fvcked over.That's the only nice guys learn(no offense).

 

[I-am-someone]

Jariel, I'll tell you what's been working for me, which has already been partially stated in this thread.

1: Just don't give a fvck about what other people think of you. Live in the moment, do what you want to do and have fun while not caring about what other people think. (This is priority number one, if you need help achieving this, PM me)

2: Masturbate only once a week, on sunday. Doing this actually makes you less sexual, which makes it easier to control your hormonal urges which cause the mood shifts in your brain.

This really helps with going out with women, although it does have a tendency to make you less attracted and less active in pursuing women.
The worst case I've had with this was this thursday night, when a girl was lying on the bed next to me, and I just didn't feel like kissing her/having sex with her because I was so desensitized there was no possible way I could still get turned on. Also, she was a druggy 7... which didn't help much either .

 

[cave dweller]

oneitis.........

Hey,

oneitis---------ie. A broken heart.

There are only two ways to cure a broken heart:

1.....Get back with her.
2.....Find another.

So, what must you do?

.......................................................................................
Get out of the house.
Get a hobby---hell, get several hobbies.
Hook up with your buddies and go places and do things.

Also, go open your front door and look out.........Hell, there are only about 1 zillion single women out there. (and you are sitting there, alone, thinking about your ex)

I hope this helps.

cave dweller

 

[California Love]

You put a lot of investment into your partner, which is great. When marriage comes around, you can be sure that you'd be a terrific husband and father. I've also realized that it's very hard to hide my oneitis - I can never truly focus on more than one woman at a time if I feel she is worth it. It's a trait that's perfectly fine to take to the grave if you can surpress it at times.

While being with the girl, it is so important to maintain friendships with other girls and guys. I've found that what killed me the most was my desire to simply be with the girl - friends were of lesser importance. Forcing your attention into your own life versus your lovelife does wonders, IMO. In the end, you'll both appreciate the breathing room.

Lastly, never forget neghitting every now and then. It's not only fun, but prevents you from becoming totally enamored and gentle with the girl.

Best of luck Jariel.

 

[Sart]

JARIEL

I shouldn't do this, it is unprofessional, but I think your problem goes a little deeper than these well intentioned people understand. You said that you even have trouble functioning at work.

I will ask a few questions of you, dont answer them here, just grasp them and see if there is any truth in them okay?

1. Is you thoughts about her a constant. In other words, you find it hard to shelve them, its a constant nagging that wont go?

2. Do you put other things off in order to try to focus on/fix your thoughts?

3. If you try to sit quietly and fix them, are you unable to grasp them sharply enough to answer them, or do they flash as negatives that are impossible to correct?

4. Do they cause a form of depression?

Everyone will say "yes" to these. but read them and answer them fundamentally and truthfully to yourself. If you answer yes to them I think you have some form of obsessive/compulsive disorder...more obsessional than anything. If you ever find yourself doing little rituals like repeating something in your head over and over as a "quick fix" then you also have the compulsive bit going down as well.

There are two methods I know of that can help. First one is, see a Psychiatrist and get a mild form of serotonin blocker, dmenad nothing less, the mono shyte will give you erectile problems, you need a mild form, but see a Doctor first.

Second would be professional counceling but that can take years.

The only other thing could be steroids. I alluded to this in the John Gait post. I am not a fan of steroids but a dose of testosterone WILL change your attitude toward women and make them at least more on par with "what you guys term" and alpha male.

I suggest step 1, but dont respond here, you dont need the attention. Yes, I am a professional, and Yes, this was highly unethical, but I believe dead accurate.

Good luck to you sir.

 

[Jariel]

Thanks again for all the practical advice. I think everyone has said something very true and eye opening to me.

I've also started to see a lot of my problems stem from having an overactive mind. To my detriment, I'm only truly attracted to enigmatic and unpredictable women because they challenge my mind and I find the highs and lows and all the drama addictive. If I don't have some kind of drama in my life, I find my mind starts to stagnate and I fall into a depressed state.

I tend to seek answers and try to explain absolutely everything and my mind can't settle or let go until I have solved the "puzzle".

Unfortunately, I can't find an interest that gives me the same mental or emotional ups and downs and general satisfaction that I get from a challenging woman. So clearly, I'm placing too much focus on a particular type of woman.

 

[Double]

Sart

1.)steroids WILL make it better for 8-12weeks
2.)you can lose your hair, get acne, etcetc
3.)after you stop taking steroids your testosterone will go BELOW normal T levels....even with proper supplements like clomid/nolvadex
4.)and the most important is YOU WILL FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THE SH1T WHEN ON STEROIDS AND WHEN OFF YOU WILL FEEL LIKE SH1T-------->highly addictive. i don't say i am against it but chances are that you will pay a big price for it

 

[Sart]

Jariel

Your last post kind of "clinched it" for me, you really need professional help dude. We can only give cognitive advice, you have chemical issues.

Sazuki asked if I was aetheist, the answer is NO. I guess my answer should be, if you broke your arm would you ask God to fix it or would you let a Doctor reset it? If you had a bleeding ulcer would you ask God to fix it or would you take pepsidine or losec or whatever your Doctor prescribed.

Your problem is every bit s physical as these other ones, difference is you cant see them. People get a little funny about shyte they don't quite get. See a pro, if he/she prescribes something, if it is what I am pretty sure it is, you WILL feel better within a couple of weeks. It could be as simple as 1/2 tablet of the lowest dosage tablet standing between you and freedom from this shyte.

As for the steroids, as I said I am not a fan, but I wasnt necessairly talking about knuckle head roids, it could be HRT, but this is not my field. The other steroids would require you lift weights etc as well.

Anyway, deal with this face to face with a professional, seek it out, dont let a board of well intentioned but unlearned gents tell you to just change....you KNOW you cant just change.

Finally, text proofing Junge is pointless, you have to read ALL his shyte to understand that his concept of od and Soul AINT your concept of it. I wouldn't ever go down the text proofing path, that is why we have holy wars for Gods sake.

 

[Double]

how does this help in the long term? if you get off the drugs you will probably be worse off than before....