My problem -- a plea

[danielzxc]

THis is gonna be a pretty long post, but fkk it, I can't say it in anything much shorter.

I started to write it in a reply to another thread, and then I realizd I had a lot to say, I'm starting a new thread. I'll leave in a bit a of that other thread, just as introduction the rest of what I wrote.

hey daniel,

I think you were right dude. Messaged her on wednesday and still no word. Either she lost phone/number or i've been rejected.

Hey maybe she's still "sick"

You know your sh*t man

Fkk oath I do man! Remember, for all the "experts" patting you on the back, only I predicted the outcome of this one correctly.

Nah, seriously, I mean it man, some stuff i really DO know. I'll be the last cvnt to brag about -- cos bragging is a waste of ffkn time, and I hate cvnts that brag -- my skills and knowledge of this game, 'cos I openly admit I've still got a lot to still learn myself. But some stuff, when I go to the fkkn effort of writing multiple paragrahs, and even multiple posts, fkk it, I challenge any cvnt to prove me wrong. (I'm speaking generally here, it's not an actual challenge, so don't start bombarding me!) What I mean, is I've got a very good reason for writing that much -- cos I honestly believe what I'm saying is true, insightful and helpful. I don't mind talking "theory", but most of what I say when I am THIS sure (that I go on to write heaps of replys on it) is based on practical experience. (Eg, when I say something is POSSIBLE, it means that I HAVE DONE IT -- ie, I'm not saying it's "possible" just based on some theory.)

Anyway, fkk it, that does sound like i'm bragging. But it just pisses me off when I go to the trouble of writing some lengthy post, packed with solid advice, and it gets ignored or, even worse, some other advice is followed instead of mine, when that advice is just some two-line paragraph that just repeats some "Bible" theory. (Not saying I have to be right. It wouldn't bother me is the other advice was as detailed and experience-based as mine. Then it's fair enough. But when some bit of Bible-lore contradicts me, some dkkhead will just quote that and pretend it means that my point of view is totally refuted. What fkkn bs.) It's just funny man, there are some dkkheads on here, with an incredible number of posts to their name, and it's like they know fkkn nothing about picking up a chick, or getting her horny and fkking her. Seriously, it's like some of these "experienced" members are fkkin virgins their views are so non-reality based. (Just take this thread, everyone's patting lebRambo on the back, telling him what a stud he is, that he's got in her in the bag, and yet only *I* came out and called it correctly. (Okay, muscleman too, but that was AFTER lebrambo admitting she got away.)

My virtually one and only reason for being on here is that it keeps my mind focused on the game. Otherwise if I don't come here, I'll be on the internet anyway, and I'll just drift off into some other topic -- like politics -- that takes my mind off in a different direction, and then I lose focus on picking up chicks, and I just go backwards. So that's why I come here. If I was constantly picking up, I would not bother to come here at all. Not a chance. So in that sense, while I do my best to keep it civil (and I do a good job, generally), sometimes I might seem "harsh" or "negative". But that's only cos there are so many total spastics on here that don't know a fkking thing about girls (or they have read "The Game" and think they know everything) it's kind of embarrassing for a supposed "seduction community".

My biggest problem, by far, is approaching. Especially approaching hot girls. Indeed, I'd almost go so far to say it's my ONLY problem. Only MAJOR problem anyway. After that, after I have gotten a girl to come out with me, my closing rate would have to be one of the highest in the business. Lol, that sounds like I'm bragging again. Hell, even if she just gives me her phone number, the vast majority of the time I'll get her to come out. Actually, I don't "get her to", she enthusiastically agrees to. Honestly, you'd think that with that kind of fkking success rate on actual "dates", I'd have NO PROBLEM appraoching. But I do. So ****ing badly I do, it's shameful and disgraceful.

I wish I could advice on how to overcome this problem that is as quality as the advice that I give to other people. Seriously, if someone could get help ME as much as I help OTHERS (if they actually listen to me, they would see that I am helping, anyway) that would be the most fantastic thing. Even if someone would just TRY as hard as I do to help people I would be exteremly happy. But what happens is people read about my problem, and they wrongly assume they know what I'm talking about, so they give me some advice that is totally not based on my problem. (Let's hope these peope never become doctors!) Like, someone will go, "just get used to talking to girls. once you get good at that, you won't have a problem approaching". Well, NO, DKKHEAD, I already AM good at talking to girls (just trust me), but my approaching problem is still fkking here!!

I'm just venting by now, cos it's disappointing that I can't find anyone willing to take a serious shot at helping me, and it's also frustrating, because every fkking time I go out, I see these hot babes who I would really like to fkkin pick up, and yet I don't appraoch them -- and then I fkking regret it hugely later, and mull about it in my head for ages, and just generally get pyssd off.

 

[danielzxc]

(Cont'd)

Like today in the shopping centre (Northland, Melbourne, for those who know it), I saw this hot hot babe, kind of a penelope cruz look on her face (but in some ways hotter), and my eyes just lasered in on her, and I was captivated by her beauty... but I did not approach. I even saw her glance over at me as I was looking at her...but I couldn't hold her gaze, and I looked away like a full on chump (even though I know I was still holding a strong, confident posture as I walked). --

Just to digress a bit, I mean, I DO walk around confidently, because I AM confident in virtually everything in my life, except these approaches. You know how they talk about that self-esteem stuff? Well I DO feel really good about myself in general. I'm very happy being myself, if you know what I mean. Not "depressed" about myself in that sense at all. To meet me, no fkkn way on earth would you ever guess that I have a problem approaching or that I'm not "confident". I know a member on here in real life, and I could ask him to post his opinion on this. --

Then in this clothes shop, there were these two hot assistants. But one was hotter, and she really grabbed my attention. Very very attractive. But fkk man, I didn't even really CONSIDER approaching her. Okay, I WAS there to browse and to buy some gear (really need to start adding some winter-y gear), but I should have stil made the effort to even THINK about approaching her. Fkkn hell, my mind must have been really wandering, cos at the very fkkn least I should have just said to her, "hey, come and help me pick something nice". She was "busy", unloading some gear from some boxes, but she would have still come over to "help me choose" something, right? Then, of course, I would have just flirted with her. (Which is pretty easy stuff, to talk in a "flirty" way. At least I find it easy.) What a fkkn wanker that that didn't even occur to me.

I'm just not out in the field often enough man. That's what it fkkn is. Not in the "approaching" field, I just mean out where fkkn chicks are. I don't go malls and stuff that much, not down famous street shopping areas. Shyt not even at uni -- I just go to classes and then to work. I just can't find the time to just "hang around" like so many people do. I think these people HAVE to be skipping classes. There's just no way they could hang out so much otherwise. I can't really afford to skip classes though. I've already done that earlier in my life (and paid the price), so I can't afford to flunk out AGAIN. I also haven't been going out to clubs, since my friends are all in LTRS and even married. Some MIGHT come out if I asked them too, but it's just shyt when he's only coming out to do you a "favor". It's heaps more fun when your friends are single too -- of if they have a girlfriend who they don't care about cheating on. Which is why I suppose I just haven't bothered. Plus these friends have really changed since getting into LTRs. They're just not as much fun to be around anymore. I really don't know why that is, but I can definitely feel it. I mean, it's like night and day. THe same guys I used to have a ball with when we used to go out, now they are so fkking boring to me it's not funny. So instead of going out, I just stay home. Luckily, I've got a LOT to occupy myself with, so I dfintiely don't get bored, but obviously it doesn't help my game by staying home. So yeah, this one's a big obstacle at the moment -- the fact that I'm not even in the same geographical locations where chicks are.

Ths is turning into a mammoth fkking post, but here's a bit of background. I was crap at approaching in highschool years too. But at about 18, I started hanging around with a really cool group of guys, and somehow everything just started to "rub off" on me, plus a lot of them gave me advice, and my game improved HEAPS. To the point where I DID approach, and I picked up quite a lot of chicks, and a lot of very hot ones too. (Def should have had more though.) I never became GREAT at appraoching. In fact, if I found the girl hot, my approaches were full of nervousness (at least at the start, befoe I said the first word), but somehow i still got myself to do them. Other "approaches", like how whne you're younger, your friends go to you to go up to some chick for them? Those approaches I still felt a bit nervous on, but nowhere near as much as I did when appraochng a hot babe for myself. Stil,the point is I did do them. Now, I still get the same nervoussness as before, but this time around I cna't get myslef to act in spite of it. That's the difference.

However, when I have actulaly already met a girl (via an introduction from someone, for example), I find it pretty easy to ask her out and to escalate stuff. Like, a recent example, some girl that came into the shop where I work, I'm going out with her on Saturday. I asked her out and overcame what I thought was an "objection" ("i have to have dinner with my bf's parents" -- and I didn't even know she HAD a bf, so I thought it was BS, but it turned out to be true, and SHE rescheduled -- immediately -- to Sat instead of tomorrow.) So far, smooth enough. Hopefully it keeps going just as good on Sat night itself (and she doesn't flake). I actually delivered a pizza to her house today (that's my job) and talked to her a bit. She was saying she's "so excited" about Sat. So that sounds good. Point is, I don't really have problems at this stage of the game. It's GETTING to this stage of the game where I am stuck.

The one thing I think will REALLY help -- like immediately, or sooner than any other thing I have thought of or read about -- would be to have a "pressure wing" with me at places where chicks are (like the mall). He doesn't have to "wing" wiht me, like joinig in conversations. He just needs to keep me "accountable", so that when I say "I'm gonna appoach that chick over there", i actually feel pressure to do it. For some reason, I am a LOT less nervous when there is someone there. It just makes me not wanna look like a wuss, so I do it and I don't really care if I suck, I just feel like I have to do it no matter how bad it comes out. I think this would be an IMMENSE help. Indeed, it would probably be the SOLUTION. As long as I get enough approaches under my belt, I shold be able to sustain the momentum myself.

Nevertheless, as I was saying, it would be really nice if SOMEONE out there could take some interest in my situation. Fkk, even they don't have a solution to recommend. Just someone that would take a fkking interest and try to help the way I do with other people. (Hell, even just someone that finds its "fascinating" that someone who claims to -- I can back it up, trust me -- do so well in other facits of the game as i claim cannot find it within himself to approach; surely that fascinatnes someone out there!)



PS -- I can imagine some people might have an urge to flame me. Look, PLEASE keep that stuff off THIS thread. If you wanna say something to me, PM and abuse the fkk out of me as much as you like, or do it on another thread. Come one guy, dj to dj, do me this one small favor, even if you hate my guts.

 

[azanon]

If you didn't use such offensive language, maybe someone would be more willing to actually listen to what you have to say.

 

[danielzxc]

If you didn't use such offensive language, maybe someone would be more willing to actually listen to what you have to say.[/quote

You're quite right. It's out of frustration and "despair" that I use such language. Sorry.

 

[Serialized3]

Honestly man, I read your whole post and it sounds like you just need to get out and get more comfortable with hot chicks. Make some hot female friends if you don't have some already, and sort of get to know how they operate (every girl is different, but they have a lot of similar attitudes). Then just get out and game, game, game and don't even worry about getting rejected. That's the only way to lessen the approach anxiety (I don't know if it's possible to ever be completely at ease in approaching)

Also, don't beat yourself up about missed oppurtunities. Even the best djs aren't on all the time.

 

[lebRambo]

Daniel,

You helped me out man, and was the only one who gave some constructive criticism instead of congratulating me (and i do like congrats, but i like my a$$ kicked a lot better, cause then I learn), so I'm going to try to help you out. You might not consider my advice worth sh*t, but I'm going to give it anyway.

Approaching is really not a problem for me. I'm like your opposite. Haha, with our powers combined....CAPTAIN FVCKS-A-LOT!

I guess I can boil down the motivation for approaching to three things. I tried the 3 second rule, and it works in clubs and other high energy situations for me, but in general, this is my stuff:

1) The constant, creeping fear that it is all gonna end one day. One day, you will be old, ugly and will have to pay for the kinds of girls you see every day right now. This works sometimes, and motivates me to just approach and f*ck what happens.

2) If I am in a really energetic and happy state, I feel the need to share my happiness with someone. This is what motivates me to approach some HB sitting on a bench or something, looking bored or studying. I feel happy, energetic and glad to be alive, and I channel that into PU. I genuinely feel at these times that I am doing her a favour by approaching her.

3) It sounds dumb, but sometimes I tell myself just before an approach "we are lesser men". This is talking about our forefathers were greater men than us. Its from fight club, I think. Our generation of men are sissified. Our grandfathers fought a f*cking war, and we are afraid to talk to a girl? My uncles fought in the civil war, and they are different now because of it. They aren't scared of sh*t man. Our forefathers came home from the war and had girls like these on a platter if they wanted them, cause they weren't scared of sh*t anymore. We have no great war, so we must take back our manhood ourselves.


If all else fails, say "f*ck it, whats the worse that can happen?"


PS cvnt in australia is not that offensive a term

 

[danielzxc]

Honestly man, I read your whole post and it sounds like you just need to get out and get more comfortable with hot chicks. Make some hot female friends if you don't have some already, and sort of get to know how they operate (every girl is different, but they have a lot of similar attitudes). Then just get out and game, game, game and don't even worry about getting rejected. That's the only way to lessen the approach anxiety (I don't know if it's possible to ever be completely at ease in approaching)

I've HAD hot babes. I AM comfortable "around" them. Like if I was meeting up with a friend, and he brought a couple of hot babes with him, I'd be perfecctly comfortable -- I wouldn't "freak out" and get tongue-tied. It's just when *I* have to approach them, totally cold, that I punk out. And especially when it's approaching them "with intent" to pick them up. If it's just to ask the time, or directions, or some gay ass "opinion", I find it a LOT easier. But I can't use that stuff to approach with, because CHANGING from "hey have u got the time" to "so u wanna hang out some time" in mid-conversation is just as hard for me as approaching "with intent" in the first place.

But then again, you're also right in that I need to be in the field more. That's relaly the key to this shyt. Hell, even just being in the vicinity of hot babes, eventually my reluctance to approach would probably become so disgusting to me that I just get over it. Unfortunately, I jsut don't have as much time to simply "hang out" as I used to. Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to MAKE the time.

Thanks for reading that whole thing, btw. (Lol, I can't believe I fkking wrote so much!)

 

[danielzxc]

Approaching is really not a problem for me. I'm like your opposite. Haha, with our powers combined....CAPTAIN FVCKS-A-LOT

I'm driving to Sydney after exams. I'll take a detour past Canberra and look u up on the way.

2) If I am in a really energetic and happy state, I feel the need to share my happiness with someone. This is what motivates me to approach some HB sitting on a bench or something, looking bored or studying. I feel happy, energetic and glad to be alive, and I channel that into PU. I genuinely feel at these times that I am doing her a favour by approaching her.

Yeah, that's the key state, imo. When I am feeling that way -- upbeat,positive, energetic -- that is the only time I even CONSIDER approaching (but I still punk out, dammit!!). Other times, when I'm not feeling like that, I don't even consider it. That''s how bad I am. Other guys, I'm sure, will approach no matter what their mood -- just cos it's so normal to them. Maybe they'll figure out later the approach would have been more effective if their mood/attitude was better, but they still approach when in less than optimal moods. Me, the fkking dikk, I won't even approach when I'm feeling on top of the world. That is SO fkkn gay.

Nevertheless, I HAVE approached in the past. Even done some pretty ballsy appraoches. Like one time on the train, I saw these chicks walk past me and sit down at the back, where the seats form an "L" shape. The seat in the very corner was left vacant. I thought, fkk it, I'll go sit with them. I was nervous for a few seconds, but I decided to "just go for it", and the nervoussness dissipated quite a bit. I get there, and ther's a bag on the vacant seat, but I moved it and sat down. The chicks were STUNNED. So was I actually, 'cos I wasn't expecting them to be so quiet and "shocked", but I eventually opened them up. These days, fkk off man, no way would i pull something like that.

3) It sounds dumb, but sometimes I tell myself just before an approach "we are lesser men". This is talking about our forefathers were greater men than us. Its from fight club, I think. Our generation of men are sissified. Our grandfathers fought a f*cking war, and we are afraid to talk to a girl? My uncles fought in the civil war, and they are different now because of it. They aren't scared of sh*t man. Our forefathers came home from the war and had girls like these on a platter if they wanted them, cause they weren't scared of sh*t anymore. We have no great war, so we must take back our manhood ourselves.

Bro, you know how many times I have thought that? PLENTY. In other areas of life, it motivates me HEAPS. Like I imagine my forefathers going off to war, and how brave and honorable that shyt is, and how much pain they sucked up but they still got on with it. It's just insipirational shyt man. In every other area of life it makes me feel capable of enduring ANYTHING. I just remind myself of the proud stock of warriors I come from, and virtually nothing upsets or depresses me, or even stresses me. Like, if my house burnt down, my parents died (or were killed), or whatever... I just figure it's nothing out of the ordinary. Life is hard and real men know how to endure shyt like this. It's only cos we live in such rarely seen luxury that something like that would seem like an unimaginable tragedy that we need teams of psychologists and weeks of "counselling" to get over it.

But it just doesn't seem to make much difference in the way I view approaching, and the fear of rejection.

1) The constant, creeping fear that it is all gonna end one day. One day, you will be old, ugly and will have to pay for the kinds of girls you see every day right now. This works sometimes, and motivates me to just approach and f*ck what happens.

I wish I could feel this one strongly. I agree that fear can be a huge motivator. Like, if the fear that "Oh my GOD! If I don't do this NOW, that's IT, I'll never get this time of my life back again" was greater than the fear of "oh maaaan...approaching that girl is gonna be SOOO uncomfortable...", then obviously I would be approaching. But it's not. I can UNDERSTAND that fear, but fkkn hell, man, to my BRAIN, it feels like I'm gonna be young forever! Lol. I wish my stupid fkkn brain would realize that time is desperately running out!

I've read quite a lot of self-help, psychology stuff. Most of it I find very ineffective, or just plain BS, but one principle that I think is golden is "pleasure-pain". At any one time, we are either doing something that leads towards pleasure, or leads away from pain. Things that lead us away from pain tend to be more powerful.

So, even though I KNOW what a pleasure it is to have some hot babe agree to hook up with you, the PAIN of having her reject me, the pain of feeling like I'm standing there like some "loser" (but not a real loser, cos such a guy would have moere balls than me) while she ignores me, is so great, that the "action" I take is AVOIDANCE. That's my fkkn problem right there.

Now, supposedly, there is a way you can "rewire" your thinking, so that what you have previously associated "pain" with you now associate "pleasure" with. I know this CAN be done, but the HOW is a bit harder. Like, I used to smoke, and smoking, to me, was very pleasurable. But eventually I came to see smoking as a very "painful" thing (health and $$$ wise), and quitting was very easy. Same with fast food -- what was once a pure pleasure now equals immense PAIN, so it's EASY to avoid eating it.

What i need to do is alter the pain I am linking to rejection. I need to see it in a more positive light. HOW the fkk I actuall do that, i just don't know.

The thing I hate the most about "rejection" isn't even so much the actual "rejection" itself. Like, say I approached a chick, and she was all smiles the second I start talking to her. And say I ask her out (or her number) and she says with a smile how she'd really lke to, but she's got a boyfriend. I wouldn't even give a shyt about a rejection like this. This isn't what I'm afraid of or worried about AT ALL.

What I really hate thought of is that if I approach her, and I don't get a good reaction out of her. Like, say she's "shocked" or something, and she remains really quiet, and only answers one-wordedly. In my head, i'm gonna be thinking "oh man, this chick isn't in to me AT ALL, shyt how do I get out of this one now, without lookng like a loser".. Or even worse, if she ignores me, and keeps walking. Or if she wasn't walking, she ignores me anyway, and just leaves me "standing there".

This idea of just being left "standing there" and looking like some chump is what I hate more than anything.

Actually, writing this stuff has helped clarify things for me quite a bit. It's not really "rejection" at all that I'm afraid of. It's looking like a chump or being made to feel stupid or ridiculous. Like, in my head, i imagine it that if people were looking/listening to it, and I got left standing there like a chump, they'd all be snickering inside themselves, and thinking "haaha...look at this fkking chump... she burned him so bad, the wanker". I "know" -- intellectually -- that people don't think that, but I just can't help FEELING like they do.

Also, one more thing, what I'm afraid is that i won't be able to handle that "moment" when even if I'm rejected pleasantly, I'm still "standing there" after hearing her last words. Eg, she goes to me "hmmm... nah... I can't. sorry" (pretty "pleasnat" as far rejction goes), and obviously I'm standing there to hear it, now at THAT moment I am "officially rejected". I can't help but think of those couple of moments between hearing those words and walking away as supremely uncomfortable. Like I just could'nt handle it. When I'm no longer within her vicinity, like say around the corner.. by then, it's become okay. It's just that while I'm "still there", it's like i just don't know what to say. Like, what i can say to "dampen" the effect of it. I can't just say "okay then" in a cheery voice, cos i'd feel like a chump. I can't help imaging that SHE feels she's got all this power, and she's enjoying it, while I"m standing there like a fkkn whatever. Again, this is unlikely to be true (that she feels like that), but i can't fkkn helping FEELING like that.

Anyway, thanks for reading all that bro.

I'm gonna keep posting to this thread until I conquer this shyt man. Once I do, it's gona be GAME OVER mate. I'm gonna pump these hot babes' asses mate. (I'll just restart my "journal" on this thread. That journal was supposed to be an "approach journal", but I had to quit it cos i simply wasn't doing any actual fkkn approaching.)

 

[danielzxc]

Just thought I'd add, I'm not the only one I know who has this problem (of generally being "good with girls", but extreme approach reluctance).

I had this Leb mate, who was a really good looking guy (did modelling a bit) and has fkked HEAPS of babes. But he "never" (ie very seldom) used to approach. (He'd meet them through social circle, or work). At least not the way this site and its members approach. At best he'd go up to them and give them his card (quite a few called back, btw).

Once he had chick's attention though, this guy kicked ass. (Way better than me, for sure.) I bet anything he would bury 99.9% of people on this site.

My point is that it really can be the case of having good skills (or even awesome skills, like my friend), but just being scared of approaching.

 

[lebRambo]

for sure man, we'll hit up the city. My mate just moved into a killer place overlooking the club district. sick!

Another thing i forgot to mention, the chance of rejection actually motivates me as well. I LIKE the rush of not knowing whats gonna happen. Sh*t like that doesnt happen enough in life. Everything is choreographed and ordered. I like not knowing what will happen

Like, if im doing a PU and I KNOW that the girl is completely into me before I even start, it makes it too easy. Does that make sense? I like feeling like I've gotten her to open up from one word answers to asking me stuff, being enthusiastic, etc.

Enjoy the rush man. Sh*t like this is the closest thing you will come to being alive

 

[Destiny17]

Dude approach that ****, what do you have to lose?

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

Hey Daniel, i read this thread and let me say this.

The first time you gave me constructive criticism while i was doing my bootcamp, commenting on the "Staying out of trouble?" and "Chillin...chillin....and chillin somemore" I really took it the wrong way and deep down thought u had not right to say that. "Who the hell does this guy think he is criticizing the lines i've used which people have laughed at? While he doesn't have as much experience where he hasn't cold approached as much."

But then as I look back, I thank you for the feedback you gave. I was playing it safe and needed to take some action. Tough Love sometime. I think the reason why i was angry at u was because I thought u were a KJ at first, but then when u admitted that u use to do well in the game and are now coming back....then i smiled and understood what u meant.

If it wasn't for u giving me feedback son, my head would be up my own ass unwilling to take ANY form of constructive criticism as i can now.

I thank you for that daniel.

Now about why you're afraid to approach about how u believe that u'd be looked up on as a loser if u get horribly rejected.

How are you a loser? You approached those girls...u've already won. Those men who might laugh, in reality, are jealous that u had the balls to do something they can't do. All they can do is look and laugh. Thats all, they can't do something as simple as an approach. They aren't **** compared to you.

Daniel, i dont' believe one bit ur not as good as u use to be. U RIGHT NOW ARE BETTER THAN WHAT YOU USE TO BE. We only become better at something, we never become worse if we're still on that journey. We learn something. Ur more consciously aware of the negative feelings in ur head Ur more wise than before. Think about if u got in a huge slump while u were at ur peak...u might not have been able to handle it as much as u can now.

That laughter is more of jealousy...even those women...they deep down want to be the ones u approached...but laugh only cuz of the situation. Even the stuck up ones want to be approached, think about it...if they didn't get approached...they would freak out and not feel attractive. All women want to be approached.

So when i see a woman who i want to approach and she looks unimpressed, we got more power than she does...as she can't take rejection like we can...and her being approached is all she can generate her confidence from.

You will never be a loser as long as you try, even if u get laughed at...even if she thinks that...ur opinoin of urself is better than hers.

Daniel, it could be that ur terrified to approach mainly because of rejection. This is your moment of power. Don't wait to approach again. That day will never come, till u decide to approach at ur most terrified state, when u don't want to but know...u have to.

The worse that will happen in an approach(I have a hard time realizing this too, as i sometimes don't approach)...is that she'll ignore u or act disinterested. That's pretty much it. Nothing will harm us of it. We will continue on with our life afterwards. Our egos will be stronger from it, being able to handle rejection.

Daniel, i understand you real well, i sometimes am pissed when im at a level of paralysis when there's a girl i want to approach but yet am too terrified too...me not doing well...but thats the only way we'll be free...approach even at that paralyzed state.

Thats the only way u'll get through this, start RIGHT NOW.

I hope this helps.

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

U GOT THIS!
U'll pull through. Just take that step man once again. U'll be 10X of what u use to be. I guarantee you on that one.

 

[danielzxc]

Went to the mall again today. Had a lot of shopping to get done. On the way there, I must admit I was feeling really tired. Don't know why, just one of those things I guess. I was trying to focus my mind on the game, but I was also thinking a lot about what the hell I should buy. I hate shopping, real bad. But I love to dress well. Not a very good combo, 'cos it means that I'm forced to do something I hate,lol.

Really shyt day shopping-wise. Most of the stuff I wanted, they didn't have my size (I'm a 'normal' sized person, so it was just plain bad luck they were sold out). So I had to settle for less than what I reall wanted. But I made some terribel fkking choices man. I've got this stuff at home now and I don't fkking like ANY of it. Lol. It's not uncommon that I don't like one piece when I buy a few, but this time none of what I bought looks as good as I thought now that I've tried it on again at home. (I'm like, wtf was I thinking??) I'll have to go back tomorrow and exchange it.

There were definitely some nice babes around, but I fkked myself up thinking so much about the shopping, that my focus just went down the drain. There was no chance I was gonna approach today, I'm afraid.

I did have a bit of banter with a couple of shop assistants. One I got laughing pretty well. But it was only on a 'friendly' level, nothing what you'd call 'flirty'. This other one, lol. It was some older bird, great body, but the face was definitely showing wear and tear. Man, I don't know if this was just her selling strategy or what, but she was all over me, asking all these questions about what i've got planned for the weekend, what I'm doing tonight, am i going out with my girlfriend, do i have a girlfriend, stuff like that. I wasn't remotely interested in her, but man, it did make me feel prety good. That is a killer sales strategy man. I can only imagine how much clothes a REALLY hot chick would sell if she treated all the guys like this. (For the record, I didn't buy anything from there.)

I did notice a couple of chicks checking me out pretty obviously, but I was just in SUCH a shyt frame of mind, there was no way I was gonna do anything. I mean a really really shyt frame of mind. I said earlier that I generally feel really good about myself, right? Nevertheless, I still have days where I just feel really shytty. Today was DEFINITELY one of those days. I'm just gonna put it right the fkk behind me and forget about it. I guess you just gotta expect that every now and then this shyt happens. (I"ll just blame it on the shopping. I HATE fkkn shopping!! Arghhh!)

Another thing i forgot to mention, the chance of rejection actually motivates me as well. I LIKE the rush of not knowing whats gonna happen. Sh*t like that doesnt happen enough in life. Everything is choreographed and ordered. I like not knowing what will happen

Hmm, motivated by the chance of rejection. Well, I must admit, that's a really good frame of mind to have. Kinda like being motivated by the risk of being knocked out in a boxing bout -- keeps you sharp and "alive". I'll have to think this over some more, and see if I can find some way to develop this mindset myself.


DonJose, sorry if I came across too sharply with those coments to you back then. Just to go back over it, I don't mean those lines you were using are BAD, just that if you wanted to elevate yourself to a HIGHER social level, you'd be better off replacing them. That's all I meant. I mean, for someone like you, who already HAS the basics down pretty well (and you do, for sure), then it just seemed "obvious" to me that you're holding onto strategies that you no longer need, if you know what I mean. That stuff has outlived its usefulness to you and is now just holding you back. If you replaced it with other, better quality stuff, you'd starting moving further along the road of being a social demigod -- that guy who everyone respects and all the babes love, or at least think highly of. Basing my opinion on my experience, and guys like that I have hanged out with (again, I really did used to have some VERY cool friends), your personality needs a bit more "edge" to it -- whereas those lines you were using not only didn't give you that, they actualy took the edge off. Now, if you were someone just coming out of your shell for the first time, those lines are FINE. In THAT case, ANYTHING that gets you talking to people would be fine. Hope that clarifies what I was on about.

This is your moment of power. Don't wait to approach again. That day will never come, till u decide to approach at ur most terrified state, when u don't want to but know...u have to.

Believe me man, intellectually, I know this is damn true. I just need to find some way to get myself to really FEEL that it's true. Maybe I'll just try telling myself this line over and over again, until it starts to sink in -- kinda like an "affirmation".

Here's a story of the other day. I was delivering pizzas and on my way back to the shop. I was stopped at the lights near the shop, which is in a "cafe district". There were these cars parked to the side of me, and these two chicks had just parked and were about to get out. I glanced over and the passenger really caught my eye and she saw me too and we were looking at each other for "too long", if u know what i mean. I think some kind of half-smile started to break out on her face, and she said something to her friend (the driver) and I looked over at the driver, and she was hot too. I motioned to with my hand to "wait there", but I don't know if they interpreted me correctly. I went around the block and drove back past there, but they didn't wait. I went back to the shop and got a bit of paper and scribbled a note on it and when I went back past there again, I left it on their car.

Believe it or not, I got really really nervous about doing this, almost like I was doing some 'approach'. Reason is the thought that "what if they see me" kept occurring to me. I kept feeling like that would be really awkward. (The cafes were across the other side of the road, which is wher eI assume they were going.) So, I'm driving towards there, and my fkking heart is seriously pounding hard, and I actually laughed to myself thinking how freakin nuts it is to get nervous over just leaving a note. And then I thought, well, to hell with it, nervous or not I'M DOING IT ANYWAY. And that helped to me calm me down A LOT. The thought that well, stuff it, no matter how nervous I am, there's now way I'm gonna punk out of something simple as leaving a note, really helped to get some control back over myself. That was a really good "trick", if you wanna call it that, 'cos virtualy every other time I get THAT nervous, I back out. This time, I found a way to get my nerves under control, and I managed to do what I planned to. So this is another tactic I can use when the thought of approaching makes me a nervous wreck. (Today I was just feeling SO shyt that the idea of using this tactic never even occurred to me.)

Oh, I never got a call from those chicks. Okay, it was a very low probability move, but in that case I just felt well i'm never gonna see them again anyway, and they seriously were hot, so it was worth a shot. (Again, this is what i have to start telling myself -- and FEELING -- when it comes to normal approaching!!)

If anyone's interested, the note I left was:

"To the passenger,

Hi!

This is the guy who was checking you out when I was stopped at the lights. You really look fanastic. Very stunning.
I'd love to go out for a coffee or something with you. Give me a call: 04XXXXXXX

Go on, be a devil!

Daniel"

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

hey bud, ever since i got that advice...which after a bit...i finally understood what u mean(I took Con. Criti. the wrong way at the time)....and thus i have definitely improved my over social awareness...its funny...i actually say, "i'm trying to stay out of trouble" to people instead of to them and that definitely helped.

Those girls checking u out today, thats reason enough to approach again. Oh and since u got pretty much everything else down, Direct Might work best for you.

 

[GamePlan]

So, even though I KNOW what a pleasure it is to have some hot babe agree to hook up with you, the PAIN of having her reject me, the pain of feeling like I'm standing there like some "loser" (but not a real loser, cos such a guy would have moere balls than me) while she ignores me, is so great, that the "action" I take is AVOIDANCE. That's my fkkn problem right there.

A few people might jump at me right now and say, you shouldn't have to rely on that if you wanna be a true pimp..and they might be right, but all I'm trying to accomplish right now is being able to approach (I'll save the bold stuff until after I got over my social anxiety problem lol).

So my advice: if a chick gives you eye contact and you give her eye contact back and she doesn't look away, but maintains it chances are she will be happy, if you approach her.

I remember being at a club with the older brother of a friend (he was 25/26 at the time and I was 21 or so) and he told me how he'd try to approach chicks now, which he should have done when he was younger. Otherwise he'll regret it etc. So he walks up to that girl..and talks to her and comes back and the result was she told him to go away or something like that..and he only walked up to her in the first place, because she had given him 'eye contact'...needless to say his confidence was probably totally crushed afterwards ;-(.

So the moral of my story is..if a girl gives you eye contact you look her in the eyes and either just hold her gaze long enough or she smiles or u smile and she smiles back, you really shouldn't have a problem approaching her, because that's a definite sign of attraction in my book (sure she might be the devil trying to make you look like a fool, but that's unlikely)..and most of the time girls who give you eye contact for a few consecutive seconds would LOVE to have you approach them. At least that's what common sense tells me. Maybe, I'm wrong, though??lol

But you just shouldn't take random glances as eye contact/sign of interest..everybody's checking out somebody or even looking at them because they look totally weird or strange..but in such cases, they won't hold the gaze. So if you look a chick in the eye, she looks back and the two of you keep looking each other in the eye (maybe even with a little smile), you can't really be afraid of approaching them (I still am, but I shouldn't as there's no reason).

I think sometimes guys just lie to themselves a bit thinking something was a sign of attraction, when it really wasn't. Like I have an acquaintance and he was trying to hit on the friend of some girl we know. And she showed absolutely no signs or interest whatsoever. It was pretty obvious she didn't want to get with him and he still goes like "Either she totally hates me. OR she's totally in love with me and just so shy" (it's just way unlikely isn't it?). Or like..remember when you talk to a chick, just cause u know her and she has maybe 5 boyfriends and 7 husbands and your friends go like 'Wow she's totally into you!"...just because she was talking to you when you know her? I think eye contact is a little bit the same..and probably the best way to tell if a chick is interested in you. But you can't fool yourself.

My point is that it really can be the case of having good skills (or even awesome skills, like my friend), but just being scared of approaching.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm not doing the traditional 'bootcamp', because..if I do get into a conversation with a hot chick, I'll have no problem asking her number...or holding the conversation (if she's interested in me in the first place).

But the approaching thing..dude I'm bad at that lol. But hey I'm working on it right now and trying hard..and already made some decent progress in my opinion.

If you're into business (you major in finance you said, right?), I feel this whole dating game is just like marketing. This will only make sense for somebody who is into marketing, though otherwise this will probably sound like total crap:

Dating is a market. There's a demand and a supply. You are the 'product'. However, if your marketing sucks, your product won't sell. You can be hot as hell, but if you never approach girls, you won't be doing well either. (This is obviously only true for guys haha).

Somebody who's average looking and can approach any hot chick he sees will do better than the perfect looking guy who locks himself up in his basement and never talks to anyone.

To get back to marketing again: McDonalds and Burger King aren't making a fortune out there, because they got the greatest burgers LOL.

 

[danielzxc]

Re: picking up being like marketing.

Yeah, it is. You're the marketing manager and the salesman in one. Marketing creates the product -- body (gym), clothes, hair-style, personal interests, character -- and the salesman takes the product out to the potential buyers.

I used to work in sales. Guess which bit I hated the most? Cold calling prospects! Lol. No surprise there, eh?

Anyway, let's forget about this, 'cos it's sound WAY too kbj theoretical. Really, the problem is simple. Want chicks, gotta approach. I'm just gonna concentrate on that.

 

[Jay Jay]

I'll be honest with you here dude.

You claim to have your game together except you cannot approach.

Thats like saying you are good at footy but you can't kick a ball.

Until you can meet a girl on the street, in a cafe, at a club and then develop a relationship (of any kind) off the bat then you don't know ****.

Sorry dude. This is fact.

Being introduced to a girl is a totally different ball game. Totally. Those girls are girlfriends by default make no bones about it. You are not the chooser. You wait til one you like is introduced.

Approaching is the starting line. Don't kid yourself.

You need to get your ego in check. Its your friend, but its a proud friend. It seems to me like you are trying to convince people here you know the score with girls instead of actually becoming that.

Approaching is simple. You once criticised me becasue i said "how about this weather" could be an opener. This opener has worked. FACT. You went and analysed the **** out of it as if starting a conversation is like a shuttle launch!

Your problem is simple. You're scared

Simple.

You are scared and you won't face your fear.

All you analysis of approaching and other peoples posts shows you are thinking about it too much.

Go check out www.charismaarts.com and do the free email course. This will help.

Beyond that you need to stop thinking about it so much.

May I suggest that you don't give advice to anyone until you have successfully approached ONE girl.

JJ

 

[Wyldfire]

Okay...I'm going to give you some very simple advice that will hopefully help your approach anxiety.

Stop approaching with the intent of it leading anywhere. You're psyching yourself out with expectations...don't do that to yourself. If you see someone you don't know and are curious to meet them...then just go up to them and start a conversation. Practice this with lots of random people...male and female every chance you get. You shouldn't even know whether or not you want to ask for a girls number until you have already approached her and talked to her for a couple of minutes. If you practice approaching complete strangers without any expectations that it will go anywhere beyond you approaching you won't get so worked up over it.

 

[lebRambo]

Stop approaching with the intent of it leading anywhere. You're psyching yourself out with expectations...don't do that to yourself.

*stands and applaudes*

fantastic, fantastic advice! I have to keep reminding myself of this all the time. This is why some people look at me weird when I say that I while sex would be great, its not the be all and end all of interactions with women