My game needs vast improvement. Just exited marriage, tip's,advice welcome

[Killakittie]

So i believe i have a codependent issue here. I'm 31 and have been in one relationship or another since high school and i'd say the majority of those were not very good relationships. I put up with a lot of **** i never should have because i didn't want to be alone. But i've always been the one to break up with them.
I have pretty high confidence and i am a decent looking guy. I recently exited my marriage because she was bpd and not attempting to get help. This was about a month ago. So i know what i need to do as far as bettering myself. I am going to the gym everyday and i am eating healthy. I am also trying to talk to girls and i have had good success so far.

But here is the problem. I catch myself checking my phone too much and investing too much emotion into these women sometimes. Not all the time but it does happen. A few times i caught myself getting upset when a girl flaked on me or when i wasn't getting enough attention. I know this sounds gay but please bear with me, i am used to having female attention, and so this is a big change for me. I want to remain single for at least a few years but what can i do to eliminate these issues?

Here's another example. Last night i went solo to a bar. Had good luck talking to women and felt comfortable approaching and talking to them. Wasn't really expecting much but i noticed as the night wore on i grew less interested or enthusiastic about talking to women. I even started feeling kinda depressed for a short time so i left.

I've been through some rough **** with my wife and with the last couple relationships i have had. Am i just pushing this all too soon? I am caring way too much here and i am trying to validate myself to women even though i don't want to. See i have never had an issue getting laid and i have had about 33 partners so far in my life but i have a problem here.

I am willing to answer any questions. I am a ****ty writer so please work with me here.

 

[Killakittie]

Change takes continual focus and dedication. Our old ways call us to come back. They tempt us with familiarity. That's all it is, familiarity. It is not what serves the life you want or who you wish to be.

A BPD needs a co-dependent and someone who seeks validation outside themselves. The reverse is true as well! Continue to take responsibility for YOUR part. Rather than try to figure it all out by yourself (and/or here), get yourself professional help. Make that investment AND actually do the work to heal the co-dependent issues and the part of you that feels driven to seek validation from women/others.

We are all here learning. Two steps forward, one step back. Three steps forward, one step back. Just keep at it and be kind to yourself along the way.

So is it possible to have the same success with women as i did before but without the underlying motive being validation. I am not sure but that might have been the reason i had such success.

 

[Killakittie]

Then the question is should i stop interacting with women altogether if i continue to revert back to these old "programmed" mannerisms or is there some way to proceed? I'm wondering if taking a break is the best way to deprogram or if there's a better way.

 

[BeExcellent]

should i stop interacting with women altogether if i continue to revert back to these old "programmed" mannerisms or is there some way to proceed? I'm wondering if taking a break is the best way to deprogram or if there's a better way.

Ultimately you have to be the judge about that. You in all likelihood need to allow yourself some time to heal from your marriage, to readjust. How you go about that depends on you and your emotional make up. Some solitude where you spend time alone may be a very healthy idea, especially if you have a habit of wanting to please the other person or have lost sight of your own desires and passions.

Since you are no longer bound by the relationship insofar as what you do with your time, why not decide what YOU most want to do, and just go do it. What makes you happy and fulfilled? If you always wanted to take up sailing, do that. If you want to get your golf handicap down to a certain score do that, if you want to run a speedy 5K, etc. etc.

Fill your life with activities and friends where you find satisfaction and enjoyment as you have started doing. Be your own best friend. Be open to making new friends if you could do with some additional friends. As you do this you will retrain your mind about what your expectations are as you interact with women. Engage in and enjoy casual conversation. Be present in the moment without expectation. If you find yourself drawn to someone, ask yourself, am I ready? How do I like her as a person? Is she someone who fits comfortably into the happy existence I have created? When you can objectively consider those questions, then you are self-validated and outcome independent.

 

[grayclif]

Do you have any hobbies or business interest.

After my divorce I took up a hobby that I neglected during my marriage courtship and that is fish keeping. Each day I'm amazed at how far along the hobby has come since my first tanks 30 odd years ago. I get so excited about building and designing my next new tank

I've also put my current business on auto pilot while I explore a new business interest.

I go to the gym 5 times a week and I track my macros. I also put a lot of thought into meal prep and coming up with new recipes so I don't bored of meals and hit the fast food places.

These activities keep my focus away from women. It's to the point now where I avoid interaction with my plates just so I can continue my work and get things done.

 

[Killakittie]

Well i unknowingly supplicated all my hobbies and friends over the last ten years in favor of being in LTR's..Yes i know. I am working on getting my Bachelor's and i have started going to the gym everyday. It is helping but i want to get laid, just without feeling like i am slipping back into my old validating, codependent behaviors.

 

[ubercat]

well at 31 you're just a pup. still plenty of years to get with whatever programs you decide on. and you've got all those 30 something single mums available to build a whole new layer of scar tissue with.

anyway to get serious what you are doing sounds very positive. At 31 I'd put more effort into building my social circle than chasing women generally. All courses have group work these days so be the guy who turns up early to assignment meetings and invite people for a beer afterwards. same thing with gym learn little bit about it use it is a topic of conversation talk to instructors about the different classes, how they got into it etc. you will catch girls out of your social Circle more slowly but there is far more chance they will be higher quality.

 

[Glumix]

It is helping but i want to get laid, just without feeling like i am slipping back into my old validating, codependent behaviors.

So you want to get laid? Aren't you dependent on that? Aren't you looking for validation THROUGH the fact you get laid? Or is it simply to have pleasure with your body? Aren't you getting some validation through the fact you must do better in life than somebody else, like your ex?

Note that I currently struggle with the exact same problem as you are.

What I noticed about it is that whenever I get laid, the excitment fade out pretty quickly because it's just another girl, another fvck, got some good s3x and then... bah... what's next? Anything else?

Currently, I think I am slowly taking the tracks of solitude and celibacy because while I am alone I have to build myself, no other choice. While I am alone, I cannot get any validation from other sources except what I do. I think it's good, but it's fvcking hard, and sometime I feel pretty down.

And yeah, when I go alone in bars, I feel pretty depressed as well. But I think I will try to do that again but only focusing on having a beer and if any interaction occurs then great, otherwise I go back home and carry on with my stuff.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Plane to Asia with backpack.
Go find adventure.
Forget old life.

 

[Killakittie]

Plane to Asia with backpack.
Go find adventure.
Forget old life.

Since i kicked my wife and her two kids out i have had $5-$600 more in disposable income a month. I had no idea she was costing me so much. That sounds so ****ed up but ya know what, it is ****ed up, and it pales in comparison to what shes done to me. Anyway to touch on what you said i was thinking, me and my brother on a backpacking trip into the Grand Canyon, camp out in the desert, fire blazing, and watch the sun set. Sounds like a great way to have fun.

So you want to get laid? Aren't you dependent on that? Aren't you looking for validation THROUGH the fact you get laid? Or is it simply to have pleasure with your body? Aren't you getting some validation through the fact you must do better in life than somebody else, like your ex?

Note that I currently struggle with the exact same problem as you are.

What I noticed about it is that whenever I get laid, the excitment fade out pretty quickly because it's just another girl, another fvck, got some good s3x and then... bah... what's next? Anything else?

Currently, I think I am slowly taking the tracks of solitude and celibacy because while I am alone I have to build myself, no other choice. While I am alone, I cannot get any validation from other sources except what I do. I think it's good, but it's fvcking hard, and sometime I feel pretty down.

And yeah, when I go alone in bars, I feel pretty depressed as well. But I think I will try to do that again but only focusing on having a beer and if any interaction occurs then great, otherwise I go back home and carry on with my stuff.

I know what your saying but i don't mind wanting some ***** on the side and working for it. What i explicitly do not want is to draw validation tied to how much i value my id. I do feel great about myself most of the time and i have pretty high confidence, but despite that i have "learned" to draw that validation. My goal is to get to a place where i am completely content with myself and my self worth and validation comes from within.

 

[Killakittie]

Here's what i am doing thats still not helping me...My BPD wife still has her claws in me...I just blocked her again and i pray to god that i have the strength to reject her advances. Last time i was able to go two weeks.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Get an oculus rift or a paintball gun and commit some time. Also I would take your battery out of your phone right now and pitch it into a dumpster. Force yourself to be out of contact. When we commit money to things, especially hobbies, we feel a need to get our money's worth... its time to become obsessed with hobbies, 21 days breaks a habit.

 

[sodbuster]

I took about a year off from women after my Divorce. Of course, it helps that my house was flooded and I had to remodel, plus raise my son's half time. Once you realize you don't have to do what "society" thinks you do, you are freed from your chains.

So was the sex worth 6k a month????

 

[Killakittie]

I took about a year off from women after my Divorce. Of course, it helps that my house was flooded and I had to remodel, plus raise my son's half time. Once you realize you don't have to do what "society" thinks you do, you are freed from your chains.

So was the sex worth 6k a month????

500-600 not 6k. But no it wasn't man.But i am still fighting my urges to communicate with her it's ****ing hard. I have a pretty cute hb6 who claims she gives the best head coming over today. First time i've been with a women other then my wife in years..I'm hoping the fresh ass will wake me up alittle.

 

[Killakittie]

So my so called hb6 showed up and holy **** she was an hb3 at best. I immediately regretted it but since she drove to me I entertained her for awhile. She gave me a lackluster bj before I made up an excuse to get her or of the house. Her pictures were great "she's like a hundred pounds heavier. I won't be seeing her again. Then to top it off my bpd soon to be ex wife created a pof account just to hound me. I'm so tired of her persistent chasing, I'm tired, and she just won't stop. **** I blocked her "again" but I know she'll be back soon. Why can't she let me go. I hate myself for loving her. She makes comments that she's never going to let anyone have me and that she just might come into the house one night. My nerves are rattled, my psyche compromised. I need a shot.

 

[dustmuffin]

So my so called hb6 showed up and holy **** she was an hb3 at best. I immediately regretted it but since she drove to me I entertained her for awhile. She gave me a lackluster bj before I made up an excuse to get her or of the house. Her pictures were great "she's like a hundred pounds heavier. I won't be seeing her again. Then to top it off my bpd soon to be ex wife created a pof account just to hound me. I'm so tired of her persistent chasing, I'm tired, and she just won't stop. **** I blocked her "again" but I know she'll be back soon. Why can't she let me go. I hate myself for loving her. She makes comments that she's never going to let anyone have me and that she just might come into the house one night. My nerves are rattled, my psyche compromised. I need a shot.

Get a restraining order. That might keep her away

 

[kronreiff]

Get it together Killa. You either take it on the chin and begin the heal, or start spinning some plates to stay sane. Who needs or even wants an NPD, no matter if she's an HB-9 or a 1? Run while the ball and chain is off and pick up some reality on the way. Good luck!

 

[Killakittie]

I'll update whats been going on with me. Since this is going to be a work in progress i don't feel the need to hide or sugar coat anything. So Tuesday the 23rd and Wes the 24th i had her over, had great sex and she cooked me dinner. I knew it was a bad idea but i did it anyway. The next day she agrees to bring me a coffee while i am fueling the school bus at the yard. I specifically told her what time i would be there and she agreed to show up, but when i got there she wasn't there, and instead she texts me asking if i am there yet. I got kinda upset and didn't respond because i told her what time i was showing up and i felt like she was playing games with me. I ignore all her texts and calls for about an hour until i explain that she ditched me and i was upset about it..Now at this point i am feeling compromised, not because what she did really was that bad, but because this is the type of **** she used to pull constantly during our marriage and it always made me feel like she didn't value me enough o keep her word. I mean when someone never keeps there word or does what they say they are for you it has the affect of making you feel worthless. So the sting of having that emotion brought back up hurt a bit.

Anyway i am thinking about her too much and am generally wasting my time and energy trying to convince her that if she really cared about me she wouldn't flake or blow our plans off...regardless of how small they are. Of course she doesn't understand this basic principal, and ironically my dumbass loves being treated like this.

Ok so the next couple days i hear absolutely nothing from her and i am doing ok. Then she creates another email address and writes me. I reply to something of the order of "This is too painful and unhealthy for me to continue communicating with you, i am going no contact and i am filing for divorcee as soon as i get my taxes."

Now ive said this before...ALOT ok i need to admit this. If for any reason then for MYSELF!! Yes my word basically doesn't mean **** and she knows it, because i am in love, and that's fair enough game for her to reel me back in. But if i really stop responding to her and i can get far enough detached i believe i can blunt any advance she can muster even sexual.

So i wrote that to her on Sat and she created a fake facebook, instagram, and email address and sent me a tirade of crazy messages. Before i could even think about it i blocked each one and didn't respond. Then later that night i got one last email from her saying she had been thinking all day and she knew i had went out the previous sat night "making myself avaliable" as she put it, and that this was the last time she was going to ask me if i seen a future with her and her kids in my life. I blocked and didn't respond.

I have not heard from her since. My dad who is watching my son told me she called him yesterday asking if i had filed for divorce yet, when he replied that he didn't know she asked if he could find out and call her back.

At this moment i am feeling better then i have in days. I am really behind in my math class and in general all my classes are suffering just because i am under a lot of stress but i have got to stay focused on where i am going and what my boundaries are.

When i get my taxes back i am going to file for divorce even though i really don't want to. Even after everything she has done to me i still don't want to lose her. She is such a leech and despite that i still miss her. My only option at this point is to realize my feelings and accept them for what they are. I just hope she doesn't contact me when i am having one of my weak moments.

 

[Glumix]

Cruelty and perfidy are sweet words in the ears of that woman.
Whether your choose to play the game or not, you are part of the game.

But you cannot game without a purpose. You create your own goals. She doesn't have to know them.

What is your purpose regarding that woman? And what do you think she is playing with you?

Then, enter the game with boldness.

 

[kingofthelions]

So i believe i have a codependent issue here. I'm 31 and have been in one relationship or another since high school and i'd say the majority of those were not very good relationships. I put up with a lot of **** i never should have because i didn't want to be alone. But i've always been the one to break up with them.
I have pretty high confidence and i am a decent looking guy. I recently exited my marriage because she was bpd and not attempting to get help. This was about a month ago. So i know what i need to do as far as bettering myself. I am going to the gym everyday and i am eating healthy. I am also trying to talk to girls and i have had good success so far.

But here is the problem. I catch myself checking my phone too much and investing too much emotion into these women sometimes. Not all the time but it does happen. A few times i caught myself getting upset when a girl flaked on me or when i wasn't getting enough attention. I know this sounds gay but please bear with me, i am used to having female attention, and so this is a big change for me. I want to remain single for at least a few years but what can i do to eliminate these issues?

Here's another example. Last night i went solo to a bar. Had good luck talking to women and felt comfortable approaching and talking to them. Wasn't really expecting much but i noticed as the night wore on i grew less interested or enthusiastic about talking to women. I even started feeling kinda depressed for a short time so i left.

I've been through some rough **** with my wife and with the last couple relationships i have had. Am i just pushing this all too soon? I am caring way too much here and i am trying to validate myself to women even though i don't want to. See i have never had an issue getting laid and i have had about 33 partners so far in my life but i have a problem here.

I am willing to answer any questions. I am a ****ty writer so please work with me here.

One thing that time helped me realize was that you have to first enjoy your own company and value that time that you spend with yourself doing what you enjoy! Readingand learning new things. Then any female that comes into play in your life if she chooses to leave or stay thats fine because i enjoy my personal time with self anyways...thats how i became nonchalant