My depressed girlfriend broke up with me due to needing space, but gets mad when I give it to her

[Black Widow Void]

Great advice.

Thanks.

When you say control and manipulation, what for? What could she be trying to accomplish?

Although this is a legitimate curiosity, I'm not qualified to speak on this particular female behavior trait. Instead, we should work on ourselves. Why would we voluntarily choose to remain in an unhealthy environment? Why would we continue to make excuses for their behavior? see below for an example

Do you think this could be her being confused as to what she wants and expecting me to overlook this to fight for her love ?

I'll answer this by providing a quote from my initial response to your posting.

The longer you stay in this relationship, the longer it'll take to heal and move forward. Those of us with experience have already been down your path. We made excuses and allowances for their behavior and got sucked in. Trust me, you do not want to experience this.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Something that I have experienced a few times is a woman will basically tell you bad things in an attempt to get you to dump her. As in like "I really hope you don't think I am pushing you away, I just have a lot going on and I feel bad that I had to cancel plans."

She will claim she isn't trying to push you away and that she still loves and wants to be with you but the truth is she is hoping you will do the dirty work for her and dump her.

And so most guys try to say something like "no, its OK don't worry about it, blah blah blah" and when you do this her respect level drops even more. And she will try it again a week or two later...and most guys will still do the same thing again...and it drops even more...finally if she has tried it a few times and the guy won't dump her she will reluctantly dump you but then she will be mad at you for making her dump you and not "manning up" and dumping her.

Women operate covertly and they want the guy to be able to read between the lines but most guys can't.

This benefits her in a few ways:

1) She will be able to get the "drama" of being dumped and have the emotional high from it and will be able to talk to her girlfriends about it and have them "console" her.

2) Women don't like confrontation so by you doing the dumping she doesn't have to bring it up or start a confrontation.

3) She can get the closure she wants much easier this way as you are more likely to rationally explain yourself in a calm way when you are doing the dumping instead of being dumped.

4) It avoids the potential for any physical violence.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

My prediction is she's an avoidant attachment style. She got really close to him over the trip and it scares her makes her feel "less control". So she wants to add distance.

 

[Robert28]

Women like this all need to be shipped off to an island in the middle of the ocean and left there. Problem is there’s so many women out there like this that there isn’t an island large enough. I hate women like this. Literally despise them. I have nothing but disdain for them because of past experiences.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Yup

Cheating on her man or having a long inappropriate dialogue is a fast way to make distance.

 

[zacharie101]

My prediction is she's an avoidant attachment style. She got really close to him over the trip and it scares her makes her feel "less control". So she wants to add distance.

That is true, I agree. She has told me multiple times, she's never loved someone like me, she's afraid of losing me, she was afraid of falling in love with me in the beginning and would push me away, afraid of me getting bored with her when she started school and got busy, she admits to being insecure and having low self-esteem in the past.

The only thing I would say is confusing about my case is her wanting to add distance, but complaining when she got it. Also, telling me I should ask her on a date in the next sentence after asking for a "break"

 

[mrgoodstuff]

That is true, I agree. She has told me multiple times, she's never loved someone like me, she's afraid of losing me, she was afraid of falling in love with me in the beginning and would push me away, afraid of me getting bored with her when she started school and got busy, she admits to being insecure and having low self-esteem in the past.

The only thing I would say is confusing about my case is her wanting to add distance, but complaining when she got it. Also, telling me I should ask her on a date in the next sentence after asking for a "break"

With one of those you have to be addicted to your hobbies and have guy friends you hang with all the time. She'll come get her time. Be into yourself. If you want one od those types too badly it messes it up and push her away.

 

[Trez]

She's immature, selfish and emotionally unstable. I don't care if a woman like this is letting you live at her condo for free, leave her because it only gets worse. She's taking out her stress on you via playing mind games. Guarantee you if you drop her now, she'll come running and you can keep her as a plate for sex and favors.

 

[Trez]

It is very likely. My current GF does the same thing. Starts painting me as the source of her other problems in her mind, repeatedly. I always respond to it by distancing myself from her so she can be alone and realize I'm not the source of her problem, and that she feels better when I'm around giving her love than when she is alone.

Women like this will emotionally torture and punish you of you let them. You're not their punching bag. Sorry to say it, but don't expect it to change. It'll either stay the same or get worse.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Women like this will emotionally torture and punish you of you let them. You're not their punching bag. Sorry to say it, but don't expect it to change. It'll either stay the same or get worse.

How would you manage your life with one of these females in it? What boundaries would you have?

 

[Trez]

How would you manage your life with one of these females in it? What boundaries would you have?

This time around I just wouldn't allow it to ever get that bad, by not allowing much emotional attachment, by accepting early on that I need to be ready to walk away at any moment, or if for some reason i can't physically remove myself immediately, I'll just ignore her.

In the past I just made excuses and coped via substance abuse, which made things worse and made me weaker. I just figured I was getting sex whenever I wanted, a free place to live, a car to use, and food, all for free so I tolerated it, but this was a poor decision. I could have kept all those freebies and just got more distant for even longer, except when I wanted sex, I could have just started being affectionate if I wanted sex and then for distant again.

Basically the boundary is ignoring her @ss when she's acting like a cold b1tch and eventually leaving.

She changed her attitude quick right before i moved out, asked me to stay, and I still left because I already know what going to happen. It felt good watching her be sad as I walked out the door. Stupid b1tch.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

My prediction is she's an avoidant attachment style. She got really close to him over the trip and it scares her makes her feel "less control". So she wants to add distance.

Avoidant attachment styles will only allow you to get so close before it freaks them out and they run away from it. They want closeness but it scares them at the same time because the closer and more emotionally invested and vulnerable they are, the more you can hurt them if things go wrong. So to avoid feeling that level of hurt they will cut it off even if there is no reason to think you would want to hurt them.

 

[Trez]

In the end op all you can do is continue getting distant and let her get mad. She's not your responsibility. And you really need to ask yourself, is a woman like this worth the energy and trouble? These types of women also tend to be very resentful and bitter. They hold on to sh1t for a long time and will punish you for it long after you forgot about it. Allowing yourself to have an emotional bond with a person like this is gambling with your own happiness and sanity.

Maybe you need to slowly start accepting that you're not going to be with this person the rest of your life. Get that possibility in your head. Try to emotionally detach, that will protect you now and prepare you for the break up in the future.

Women like this are not worth the trouble, no matter how much they do for you in other ways. Your happiness and sanity should be your number one priority at all times especially when it come to females.

 

[Trez]

How would you manage your life with one of these females in it? What boundaries would you have?

Oh also sometimes when I knew she was mad and why she was mad, I would just pretend like she's not sulking and being mad at me. Id act like every is normal and just be playful with her. Kind of like you'd do with a little kid who's sulking that you're trying to cheer up. It works temporarily.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Women like this will emotionally torture and punish you of you let them. You're not their punching bag. Sorry to say it, but don't expect it to change. It'll either stay the same or get worse.

If there are women out there who don’t use their partners as emotional punching bags from time to time, I haven’t met them. At this point, I have basically resigned myself to understanding that they all do this to some degree due to their emotional nature, and all I can do is set boundaries and if it gets bad, leave. I’ve left my current GF a couple times over it. She always immediately comes back and begs forgiveness. I feel like if I don’t ever want to deal with any amount of it, then I will need to completely avoid relationships entirely and just spin plates.

 

[zacharie101]

Avoidant attachment styles will only allow you to get so close before it freaks them out and they run away from it. They want closeness but it scares them at the same time because the closer and more emotionally invested and vulnerable they are, the more you can hurt them if things go wrong. So to avoid feeling that level of hurt they will cut it off even if there is no reason to think you would want to hurt them.

she did mention once that she broke up with her ex of 6 months because he would be very vocal and complain about her being too busy when at the time, she was stressed out with school and had a death in her family.

I've never complained throughout our 2 years and always been supportive. She mentioned that taking a break would save our future relationship because with the new semester she will be busy too.

I kind of feel like she has baggage from that relationship and thinks that by taking a break it will prevent the same thing from happening to her, but im not her ex and im not selfish, so I've never complained and always remained supportive. It's like she's making assumptions about us based on the past.

 

[Billtx49]

She mentioned that taking a break would save our future relationship

It's like she's making assumptions about us based on the past.

A girl that’s 100% into you doesn’t take a break…

Whatever the past life events were, her past can’t be changed and it made her this way.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

she did mention once that she broke up with her ex of 6 months because he would be very vocal and complain about her being too busy when at the time, she was stressed out with school and had a death in her family.

I've never complained throughout our 2 years and always been supportive. She mentioned that taking a break would save our future relationship because with the new semester she will be busy too.

I kind of feel like she has baggage from that relationship and thinks that by taking a break it will prevent the same thing from happening to her, but im not her ex and im not selfish, so I've never complained and always remained supportive. It's like she's making assumptions about us based on the past.

Have you remained supportive but done so by compromising your principles or standards? Or has doing so made you appear not to have any standards?

It may simply be that she is losing respect for you because you keep caving and won't set some type of standard thst she can't cross.

It's a fine line between being supportive and making yourself look weak.

 

[zacharie101]

If there are women out there who don’t use their partners as emotional punching bags from time to time, I haven’t met them. At this point, I have basically resigned myself to understanding that they all do this to some degree due to their emotional nature, and all I can do is set boundaries and if it gets bad, leave. I’ve left my current GF a couple times over it. She always immediately comes back and begs forgiveness. I feel like if I don’t ever want to deal with any amount of it, then I will need to completely avoid relationships entirely and just spin plates.

so true about the emotional punching bag.

I know I sound crazy, but that's also why I don't want to walk away so easily. Not only cause I love her, but I also love her as a person and outside of this our relationship is usually great. We rarely argue and she's not always depressed, it's just when things get very overwhelming, she's not good dealing with stress.

I also should add that the time she asked for the break was during the time her period started. Usually when that happens, i've noticed depending on how stressful her life is she becomes very irritated, moody, emotional, and irrational. Not all months are like that though. I usually try to hide when it gets bad, but she gets mad for not hearing from me.

 

[zacharie101]

A girl that’s 100% into you doesn’t take a break…

Whatever the past life events were, her past can’t be changed and it made her this way.

Yes, that's definitely true. In the beginning of our relationship she had her walls up and had trust issues because of her past heart breaks.

TBH idk where things will go from here. I will just let things flow and if it's meant to be it will be. Although I may not be completely over her, My heart has started to heal more each and every day.

I will go on the date she asked me for, but I won't have any expectations on it's outcome. Just focusing on bettering myself as a man.