Desdinova
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2004
- Messages
- 11,619
- Reaction score
- 4,719
Do you know how frustrating it is when you see a family member make every fvcking mistake in the book when it comes to women? I thought I was the ultimate AFC back in my pre-Sosuave days, but my 2nd cousin (we'll call him Dip5hit Man (DM)) takes the cake.
He met this woman. Let's call her Flat Faced Humpty Dumpty (FFHD). I think he proposed to her after about a year. The proposal scene was something out of a 5hitty romance movie; On the beach with tiki torches, candles, and the words "marry me" spelled out with those cheap light-bulb letters you buy from the grocery store at Christmas. She said yes.
Okay, so no big deal. They start planning the wedding. Mind you, I haven't even met this chick yet. She's fvcking ugly in her Facebook pictures, but I figured as long as she's a good girl, then I could care less if my cousin wants to fvck a Humpty Dumpty for the rest of his existence. But then 5hit gets weird. I ended up chatting with him on the phone, but he had to cut the call short.
"Well, I have to go. I need to go help FFHD clean the other room."
"Why do you need to help her?"
"Because I can't just leave her to do all the housework. We're a team".
Yeah, that was the first red flag. The next one came when he got a dog; a Frenchie which he paid $2000 for. I told him, "You could have at least got yourself a useful dog that can chew a burglar's arm off, like a German Shepard or a Pit Bull. Why did you choose a small useless dog?"
"Because my fiancee wanted one and I wanted to show her that I love her."
"Well, you could have just got her a candy bar to stuff into her flat face."
Okay, I didn't say that, but I was truly shaking my head at how fvcking stupid he is. It's apparently his job to clean dog barf off the carpet when the dog gets sick. Anyway, the cringe doesn't end there...
I invited him to my kid's 18th birthday party which we held at Mongo's. He brought along FFHD so I was able to sort of meet her. She didn't say boo to me all evening. When she went into the lengthy line to get her dog bowl filled with kibble, DM kept on excusing himself from the table. "I'm gonna go check on FFHD" he said each time.
I turned the guest next to me and said, "Why does he need to keep checking on her? Is she prone to falling down or something?" I mean, she IS top-heavy and those fvcking twigs she calls legs might not be able to hold her up.
During their engagement, every fvcking week he would go on Facebook and post "xx days until "I Do". I bugged him about that. I said, "Why are you doing so much counting?"
He responded with "I'm just trying to be romantic".
I said, "You're doing a pretty 5hitty job if you think that's "romantic"."
Being a good cousin, I figured I'd give him a warning so I could have an "I-told-you-so" receipt when she ultimately drops his slave a55. It's very difficult to give an AFC advice without being incredibly harsh, but I think I pulled it off. I said "I'm going to give you one piece of advice if you want your marriage to succeed. You need to stop babying and spoiling your fiance. She is a grown woman and doesn't need you to continue proving your faithfulness and devotion to her every single day of her life. That's all I've seen you do with her. If she's a good woman, (and the impression I got from her at the party was that she IS a good woman), she will be a good wife to you. Why do I say this? Because I've stolen women away from guys who behave exactly like you do in a relationship. Women get tired of it and start to resent their partners who continue to behave that way. She's not your superior, she is your companion."
So the big "I do" day finally comes. His wife-to-be ended up deciding that DM's Dad shouldn't be bringing his newest GF. He met an Asian lady online. I insisted to his dad that he should pursue her, which he did. She's the nicest woman he's ever been with and treats him like gold. Anyway, FFHD decided that DM's Dad's Asian GF will be escorted out of the wedding if she shows up. Apparently, FFHD doesn't like "those kind of people". DM has decided to follow his wife's lead and align himself with that theology. His dad is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet, and he was a great father to DM. Not only that, FFHD decided that DM's sister shouldn't be bringing her BF either because he smokes too much weed. Well, DM's sister ended up telling DM and FFHD to go fvck themselves. She didn't come to the wedding.
The Honeymoon photos were certainly interesting. DM has a Hawaiian shirt with FFHD's face patterned all over it. I'd never seen anyone wear anything like that before. If I were a betting man, I'll bet he jacks off in it when she's not home.
So now we're all placing bets on how long the marriage will last. I have NEVER seen a dude go this fvcking spineless on a woman, and he ended up marrying her. He apparently says he needs to let her make all the decisions because she makes more money than him. Once she finds another dude who like to fvck girls who look like Humpty Dumpty, she'll most certainly make the decision to leave DM. She'll probably poop out a kid or two first so she can claim child support. I fvcking had to put up with him staying at my place last time a girl booted him out of his life. If he keeps burning all his family relationships, he's gonna be sleeping in a tent made from that fvcking shirt with FFHD's face all over it.
He met this woman. Let's call her Flat Faced Humpty Dumpty (FFHD). I think he proposed to her after about a year. The proposal scene was something out of a 5hitty romance movie; On the beach with tiki torches, candles, and the words "marry me" spelled out with those cheap light-bulb letters you buy from the grocery store at Christmas. She said yes.
Okay, so no big deal. They start planning the wedding. Mind you, I haven't even met this chick yet. She's fvcking ugly in her Facebook pictures, but I figured as long as she's a good girl, then I could care less if my cousin wants to fvck a Humpty Dumpty for the rest of his existence. But then 5hit gets weird. I ended up chatting with him on the phone, but he had to cut the call short.
"Well, I have to go. I need to go help FFHD clean the other room."
"Why do you need to help her?"
"Because I can't just leave her to do all the housework. We're a team".
Yeah, that was the first red flag. The next one came when he got a dog; a Frenchie which he paid $2000 for. I told him, "You could have at least got yourself a useful dog that can chew a burglar's arm off, like a German Shepard or a Pit Bull. Why did you choose a small useless dog?"
"Because my fiancee wanted one and I wanted to show her that I love her."
"Well, you could have just got her a candy bar to stuff into her flat face."
Okay, I didn't say that, but I was truly shaking my head at how fvcking stupid he is. It's apparently his job to clean dog barf off the carpet when the dog gets sick. Anyway, the cringe doesn't end there...
I invited him to my kid's 18th birthday party which we held at Mongo's. He brought along FFHD so I was able to sort of meet her. She didn't say boo to me all evening. When she went into the lengthy line to get her dog bowl filled with kibble, DM kept on excusing himself from the table. "I'm gonna go check on FFHD" he said each time.
I turned the guest next to me and said, "Why does he need to keep checking on her? Is she prone to falling down or something?" I mean, she IS top-heavy and those fvcking twigs she calls legs might not be able to hold her up.
During their engagement, every fvcking week he would go on Facebook and post "xx days until "I Do". I bugged him about that. I said, "Why are you doing so much counting?"
He responded with "I'm just trying to be romantic".
I said, "You're doing a pretty 5hitty job if you think that's "romantic"."
Being a good cousin, I figured I'd give him a warning so I could have an "I-told-you-so" receipt when she ultimately drops his slave a55. It's very difficult to give an AFC advice without being incredibly harsh, but I think I pulled it off. I said "I'm going to give you one piece of advice if you want your marriage to succeed. You need to stop babying and spoiling your fiance. She is a grown woman and doesn't need you to continue proving your faithfulness and devotion to her every single day of her life. That's all I've seen you do with her. If she's a good woman, (and the impression I got from her at the party was that she IS a good woman), she will be a good wife to you. Why do I say this? Because I've stolen women away from guys who behave exactly like you do in a relationship. Women get tired of it and start to resent their partners who continue to behave that way. She's not your superior, she is your companion."
So the big "I do" day finally comes. His wife-to-be ended up deciding that DM's Dad shouldn't be bringing his newest GF. He met an Asian lady online. I insisted to his dad that he should pursue her, which he did. She's the nicest woman he's ever been with and treats him like gold. Anyway, FFHD decided that DM's Dad's Asian GF will be escorted out of the wedding if she shows up. Apparently, FFHD doesn't like "those kind of people". DM has decided to follow his wife's lead and align himself with that theology. His dad is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet, and he was a great father to DM. Not only that, FFHD decided that DM's sister shouldn't be bringing her BF either because he smokes too much weed. Well, DM's sister ended up telling DM and FFHD to go fvck themselves. She didn't come to the wedding.
The Honeymoon photos were certainly interesting. DM has a Hawaiian shirt with FFHD's face patterned all over it. I'd never seen anyone wear anything like that before. If I were a betting man, I'll bet he jacks off in it when she's not home.
So now we're all placing bets on how long the marriage will last. I have NEVER seen a dude go this fvcking spineless on a woman, and he ended up marrying her. He apparently says he needs to let her make all the decisions because she makes more money than him. Once she finds another dude who like to fvck girls who look like Humpty Dumpty, she'll most certainly make the decision to leave DM. She'll probably poop out a kid or two first so she can claim child support. I fvcking had to put up with him staying at my place last time a girl booted him out of his life. If he keeps burning all his family relationships, he's gonna be sleeping in a tent made from that fvcking shirt with FFHD's face all over it.
