Middle age loneliness

[viking22]

I am in my early 40s and most of my peers are in relationships or married often with kids. I work remotely most of the time as well so I do end up pretty isolated and that does lead to feelings of loneliness and emptiness and occasional dates and hookups do not really fill that void.

But I just do not meet women that I seem able to develop feelings for and do not want to settle. I think like most men I fall in love with my eyes but in today's dating market most men have to date down as women have so many options on the dating apps and would rather be alone than with a less than superior man and have support groups of other women in the same boat so do not get to the point whether they want to settle.

Of course the previous generation of women would settle when their biological clock started ticking and they still felt social pressure to get married and settle down. But in a lot of cases that led to unhappy marriages that often ended in divorce so perhaps not much of an improvement.

And yet there does seem to be a deep seated psychological need for companionship and while I have only lived with a woman once I have to admit that a woman can make a place feel like a home.

I also know that as I get older it will be harder to even have the occasional dates and hookups I get and I do not really find women my own age attractive and the larger the age gap becomes the more a transactional element enters the picture and that isn't something I am that comfortable with.

But the older I get the more I feel a yearning for connection and companionship but it seems to be very hard to develop healthy relationships in the modern world and even when I was younger I wasn't much of a relationship guy and was more of a serial dater/seducer and I do not know how to evolve really or whether it is even worth evolving when so few women these days are relationship material.

How do the eternal bachelor types on here deal with this problem? Is it possible to have a fulfilling middle age and old age being mostly alone with only occasional female companionship? And not having a family/kids etc?

 

[MatureDJ]

All a mature man that really needs companionship has to do is date his age. However, the problem with that is similar to buying a car. A man wants to buy a new car, but doesn't have a problem with the car as it ages into a beater; contrast that with a man that can only afford a beater: he has to drive a car after its good days a long gone.

 

[viking22]

That's a great analogy.

I've also heard it said love has its seasons. But if you start an age matched relationship in middle age you're going straight to autumn/winter

I think 5-10 years younger is probably doable if you keep yourself in good shape and stay virile. Currently I usually date women in their mid to late 30s which is OK for now. But eventually that will get harder and I often have to compromise a little in looks because they are often very picky and seemingly unaware that their looks will quickly fade.

 

[DJ Novice]

I’m 58 and am in good shape physically and financially. I’ve dated women from 45-53. I have found there are very few women who are happy living separate lives. Most are happy to date for a while but then they eventually want to either share a house together, get married, combine finances etc.

I was married for 20 years, have kids who don’t live with me and now enjoy living by myself. The freedom and ability to live life on your own terms is hard to give up especially as the need for constant p*ssy declines along with your testosterone levels.

The financial risks of living together with a woman and it not working out are just too great.

Living with someone is just not that enjoyable after a while.

You are exposed to their moods and habits that irritate you, the quality and quantity of s*x declines over time and the emotional labour required to maintain the relationship is unrelenting.

It’s also a lot easier to explore other s*xual options if you live by yourself. At some stage you will get tired of sleeping with the same woman. Whether you choose to end the relationship, discreetly spin plates or use pay for play services, it’s a lot easier if you don’t live with someone. (Not advocating any of these options BTW, each person needs to make their own moral decisions).

When dating women now I enjoy it for as long as I can knowing that the ‘where is this going’ talk will eventually occur and it will probably come to an end when I won’t give them what they want.

I live in hope I will find a woman who also values their independence. But I’m not overly optimistic.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Viking,
Feel for you Old Horse...If you are still nimble on your pins,then take up dancing lessons and gravitate to social Dancing...All your problems will be over..Promise!

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

I am in my early 40s and most of my peers are in relationships or married often with kids. I work remotely most of the time as well so I do end up pretty isolated and that does lead to feelings of loneliness and emptiness and occasional dates and hookups do not really fill that void.

But I just do not meet women that I seem able to develop feelings for and do not want to settle. I think like most men I fall in love with my eyes but in today's dating market most men have to date down as women have so many options on the dating apps and would rather be alone than with a less than superior man and have support groups of other women in the same boat so do not get to the point whether they want to settle.

Of course the previous generation of women would settle when their biological clock started ticking and they still felt social pressure to get married and settle down. But in a lot of cases that led to unhappy marriages that often ended in divorce so perhaps not much of an improvement.

And yet there does seem to be a deep seated psychological need for companionship and while I have only lived with a woman once I have to admit that a woman can make a place feel like a home.

I also know that as I get older it will be harder to even have the occasional dates and hookups I get and I do not really find women my own age attractive and the larger the age gap becomes the more a transactional element enters the picture and that isn't something I am that comfortable with.

But the older I get the more I feel a yearning for connection and companionship but it seems to be very hard to develop healthy relationships in the modern world and even when I was younger I wasn't much of a relationship guy and was more of a serial dater/seducer and I do not know how to evolve really or whether it is even worth evolving when so few women these days are relationship material.

How do the eternal bachelor types on here deal with this problem? Is it possible to have a fulfilling middle age and old age being mostly alone with only occasional female companionship? And not having a family/kids etc?

The irony is that any anxiety you develop from a scarcity frame will work against you with someone that's compatible and genuinely attracted to you, despite them being what you want.

And if you believe that narrative strongly enough then you'll cave and settle for a codependent relationship out of fear.

Better to simply own the possibly of never meeting someone compatible and aging/dying alone, and then striving to socialize and grow anyway, simply for your own enjoyment and for the new skills and experiences life offers. And again this is counterintuitive initially, because the attitude and focus of truly living in the moment, being comfortable with any outcome, is exactly what will increases the odds of a healthy relationship developing organically if there's genuine compatibility.

If you feel a void, fill it with social activities, adventure, and pushing your boundaries in all ways imaginable, until you feel your cup runneth over. Any girl that comes along for the ride should feel like a cherry on top of an already amazing experience you feel eternally grateful for.

 

[BadBoy89]

What's the standard answer for the questions like these? Oh I remember, OP should:

- go to the gym
- get a modern haircut (expensive one too, not a cheap Supercuts one)
- get some new clothes
- use a moisturizer
- make some coin
- practice listening to women
- watch the movie "Hitch"

Once he does all this, he will get laid with any women he wants.

 

[Vanderdonck]

I am in my early 40s and most of my peers are in relationships or married often with kids. I work remotely most of the time as well so I do end up pretty isolated and that does lead to feelings of loneliness and emptiness and occasional dates and hookups do not really fill that void.

But I just do not meet women that I seem able to develop feelings for and do not want to settle. I think like most men I fall in love with my eyes but in today's dating market most men have to date down as women have so many options on the dating apps and would rather be alone than with a less than superior man and have support groups of other women in the same boat so do not get to the point whether they want to settle.

Of course the previous generation of women would settle when their biological clock started ticking and they still felt social pressure to get married and settle down. But in a lot of cases that led to unhappy marriages that often ended in divorce so perhaps not much of an improvement.

And yet there does seem to be a deep seated psychological need for companionship and while I have only lived with a woman once I have to admit that a woman can make a place feel like a home.

I also know that as I get older it will be harder to even have the occasional dates and hookups I get and I do not really find women my own age attractive and the larger the age gap becomes the more a transactional element enters the picture and that isn't something I am that comfortable with.

But the older I get the more I feel a yearning for connection and companionship but it seems to be very hard to develop healthy relationships in the modern world and even when I was younger I wasn't much of a relationship guy and was more of a serial dater/seducer and I do not know how to evolve really or whether it is even worth evolving when so few women these days are relationship material.

How do the eternal bachelor types on here deal with this problem? Is it possible to have a fulfilling middle age and old age being mostly alone with only occasional female companionship? And not having a family/kids etc?

It all depends on what you find fulfilling. You can't have it both ways. If you find a woman, no matter how great she is, you'll think about going out and picking up other girls. If you're single, no matter how happy, you'll have moments where you wish you had someone to connect with beyond sex.

My advice is: Enjoy your life as it is for now but don't be dead set against change if you meet a woman who's secure enough and chill enough to let you be you. Then if you go into something deeper, be zen enough to accept that it may not last forever but should be enjoyed while it lasts.

Remember nothing should be dogma and you reserve the right to change your mind. Too many guys build prisons out of their own "rules" or "laws." Nothing wrong with having principles but you aren't running for office, you're building a fulfilling life.

 

[viking22]

Social dancing sounds like a good shout. Although I knew a girl who was really into it and according to her it is more of a community and there isn't a lot of hooking up and men who are clearly just there to hook up tend to get shunned.

I use the dating apps mostly and problem with that is that while you can lie about your age there is only so far you can go and women are so overwhelmed by choice that they use convenient filters like age, height, looks etc.

Do you guys find that as you age you find women in their 40s and even 50s more attractive? Or are men doomed to always prefer and want girls in the 20-35 range? I think some Asian and Latin women are often hot even in their 40s and of course a lot depends on diet lifestyle etc and not having kids seems to keep you looking young

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

The desire for companionship is normal. The appreciation of independence (once you have arrived at that level of personal growth) is also normal. We get set in our ways as we get older and less willing to tolerate someone else's quirks.

But having someone to share life with is nice.

 

[Prepostereax]

Do you guys find that as you age you find women in their 40s and even 50s more attractive?

Yes and no..

the average 40 or even 30+ woman is a No.
Not interested.
(I'm pretty sure that even slightly pudgy women are invisible to most everyone here)

But there are women in their 40's, 50's and even 60's who are in far better shape than the average Western twentysomething.

I have also found that I'm attracted to some women in their 20's now, who I would probably would pass had I met their equivalents in my 30's
(they still have to be trim though, but less fussy about looks, and more tolerant about behaviour, which I'm better equipped to deal with now)

 

[BadBoy89]

How do the eternal bachelor types on here deal with this problem? Is it possible to have a fulfilling middle age and old age being mostly alone with only occasional female companionship? And not having a family/kids etc?

You ask this question, and are given good advice.

Social dancing sounds like a good shout. Although I knew a girl who was really into it and according to her it is more of a community and there isn't a lot of hooking up and men who are clearly just there to hook up tend to get shunned.

I use the dating apps mostly and problem with that is that while you can lie about your age there is only so far you can go and women are so overwhelmed by choice that they use convenient filters like age, height, looks etc.

Do you guys find that as you age you find women in their 40s and even 50s more attractive? Or are men doomed to always prefer and want girls in the 20-35 range? I think some Asian and Latin women are often hot even in their 40s and of course a lot depends on diet lifestyle etc and not having kids seems to keep you looking young

Instead of saying "Thanks guys, I appreciate it. I'll take it to heart and work on myself." You ignore most of it; and come back with "at dance class, I knew a girl who told me dancing isn't for making love to girls"

And then come back with "I can only lie so much on dating apps"

And then come back with "Do you guys with find 50+ year old woman attractive?"

I thought the initial post was bordering into troll territory . With the OP's response to everyone's solid response, he has confirmed it.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Sadly, this isn’t really about women or the dating market. It’s about the basic human need to feel chosen, needed, and important to someone. Casual dates and hookups don’t satisfy that because there’s no real emotional investment—no point where two people let themselves matter to each other. Midlife loneliness usually comes less from being alone and more from not having a role where your presence truly counts, whether with a partner, close friends, a shared goal, or a community.

The reality is that real connection doesn’t happen by chance, and it doesn’t come from staying emotionally detached. Love, attachment, and even deep friendship require intention, effort, and giving up some control. Many men avoid this because it feels risky, but without that risk, nothing deep forms. A mostly solo life can work if it’s full of purpose and strong social ties; otherwise, the sense of emptiness tends to grow with age.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Is it possible to have a fulfilling middle age and old age being mostly alone with only occasional female companionship?

Not for me. Hence I am married and have kids. I admit I’d be one of the most miserable men on earth if I were womanless in my mid 40s.

At a young age, my psychologist warned me: “If you don’t have a woman later on, you’ll be one of the most miserable men on earth.”

I do not really find women my own age attractive

What would you do when a young one ages?

 

[Manure Spherian]

Love, attachment, and even deep friendship require intention, effort, and giving up some control.

In also think some here are prisoners to fantasy.

 

[Beowolf]

Nothing to be ashamed of to endure worldly trials alone and survive until the end. In the Bible, in the book of James, a verse said, "to keep oneself from being corrupted by the world." can be a good thing. Heck, even the animals, birds, and the creepiest littlest forms of life do this aloneness thing, without whining and being poor me babies about it, it's natural to them.

 

[viking22]

No doubt there are some 40s and 50s year old women in very good shape and modern aesthetic treatments can achieve wonders but there is a definite difference in suppleness and softness of the skin that no amount of moisturiser can disguise as well as a freshness to younger women that is so appealing. But I do not have a huge amount of experience with the older bracket.

Agree I need to try to move away from casual dating/hook ups towards some form of relationships even if temporary and try that out for size as that is potentially a happy halfway house whereby you can have the girlfriend experience but without the long term commitment and risks that can involve

 

[Rainman4707]

I am in my early 40s and most of my peers are in relationships or married often with kids. I work remotely most of the time as well so I do end up pretty isolated and that does lead to feelings of loneliness and emptiness and occasional dates and hookups do not really fill that void.

But I just do not meet women that I seem able to develop feelings for and do not want to settle. I think like most men I fall in love with my eyes but in today's dating market most men have to date down as women have so many options on the dating apps and would rather be alone than with a less than superior man and have support groups of other women in the same boat so do not get to the point whether they want to settle.

Of course the previous generation of women would settle when their biological clock started ticking and they still felt social pressure to get married and settle down. But in a lot of cases that led to unhappy marriages that often ended in divorce so perhaps not much of an improvement.

And yet there does seem to be a deep seated psychological need for companionship and while I have only lived with a woman once I have to admit that a woman can make a place feel like a home.

I also know that as I get older it will be harder to even have the occasional dates and hookups I get and I do not really find women my own age attractive and the larger the age gap becomes the more a transactional element enters the picture and that isn't something I am that comfortable with.

But the older I get the more I feel a yearning for connection and companionship but it seems to be very hard to develop healthy relationships in the modern world and even when I was younger I wasn't much of a relationship guy and was more of a serial dater/seducer and I do not know how to evolve really or whether it is even worth evolving when so few women these days are relationship material.

How do the eternal bachelor types on here deal with this problem? Is it possible to have a fulfilling middle age and old age being mostly alone with only occasional female companionship? And not having a family/kids etc?

Be careful what you wish for viking; a woman can make your life a misery, likely worse than this lonlieness you write about. Imagine sharing your space with someone you detest.

There are postives and negatives to being with a woman. If you are single like me and you, you have your freedom. And yes if you're in a relationship, married etc that can be so good and fulfilling.

There are so many beta guys out there though that are miserable slaves to their wives, they get no sex. These men wish they had waited until they matured before choosing their commitment. They would give their right arm to be in your position.

Yes it does suck to be single sometimes, lonliness etc. Maybe try and find hobby, sports or something. David Deida writes that sports is a way to use up your masculine energy, the way you use it when being round women, f***ing them etc I have been playing 11 a side football for the last few month and love it (the way it makes me feel masculine)

p.s ....just a suggestion....if you're lonely, how about looking for a female friend??

 

[Rainman4707]

Women in their 40's and 50's can be sexy as hell and are probably better in bed, but I think for relationship material, men 35 to 55 will always want 10 to 20 years younger

The younger women also come with less baggage as rollo says..

 

[The Duke]

How do the eternal bachelor types on here deal with this problem? Is it possible to have a fulfilling middle age and old age being mostly alone with only occasional female companionship? And not having a family/kids etc?

A friend of mine lives this exact life and has for a long time. He has a girl that is 3hrs away that he visits about twice a month. All she wants is a companion for sex and close friendship. She is 40 and looks great, has a lot of family money and doesn't work. He is 52. She has even stated that she knows my friend is a man wh0re but as long as he doesn't give her any diseases she is cool with it. There is zero drama with this girl although I find her odd as far as females go. I'm guessing she has some attachment fears.

As @Scaramouche mentioned there are a few women I've met dancing that struck me as the type that are just looking for companionship.

Stay active in the singles scene and you will run across them eventually.