Marriage problem - attraction

[Fugitive99]

Been married 1 year, total time relationship 3 years. My wife is Latina, most guys would find her attractive (big ass, big tits, put on a little weight recently but still size 10 not fat just a bit curvy).

Everything was great in our marriage but after we opened a business together things got strained. Lots of arguments etc, she had major flip outs, stopped the car screaming on the side of the highway, slamming doors, shouting/screaming etc all over minor disagreements. Things kind of got to a breaking point and i told her i cant continue like this with daily fights and disrespect. It was difficult to have that conversation, she was tearful and argumentative but to her credit she took it on board. Things changed we stopped arguing and she started behaving better. She has anxiety I explained she needed to get control of it and she did. We got a new puppy and her mum started staying over at ours more to help with cleaning and stuff (although invades our privacy a bit).

However the issue is i have lost attraction to her. I still love her, love spending time with her, doing stuff together but I dont want to have sex with her. Even when i’m horny I dont get turned on by her but still get turned on by other women. She initiates and i kind of reject her which isnt nice situation for anyone.

Not sure what to do. Am i clinging on to a dead marriage or can the attraction be re-discovered? If attraction can be got back how? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

 

[corrector]

Go to marriage counselling.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It can be rediscovered and the way it happens is by starting to have sex with her again and start getting her to do really dirty things that she may not have done before that you want her to. Start pushing the envelope.

 

[The Duke]

I think it's normal to lose attraction to a chic when the relationship has been struggling. It's happened to me. Work thru all of the issues, don't work so much, and see if things don't improve. Be patient.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Your wife gained weight…that is most of the reason. Size 10 is too big. A wife should not be above a 6 when she is not pregnant. Your wife gaining weight is total disrespect. You need to sit her down and tell her candidly that she needs to drop the weight. From that point on you should only reward the good behavior towards that goal.

Just be warned, OP…. There is a significant chance she will not heed your demand about the weight. You need to get into marriage counseling and call a divorce lawyer. The chance of salvaging this unlikely.

 

[Ricky]

Been married 1 year, total time relationship 3 years. My wife is Latina, most guys would find her attractive (big ass, big tits, put on a little weight recently but still size 10 not fat just a bit curvy).

Everything was great in our marriage but after we opened a business together things got strained. Lots of arguments etc, she had major flip outs, stopped the car screaming on the side of the highway, slamming doors, shouting/screaming etc all over minor disagreements. Things kind of got to a breaking point and i told her i cant continue like this with daily fights and disrespect. It was difficult to have that conversation, she was tearful and argumentative but to her credit she took it on board. Things changed we stopped arguing and she started behaving better. She has anxiety I explained she needed to get control of it and she did. We got a new puppy and her mum started staying over at ours more to help with cleaning and stuff (although invades our privacy a bit).

However the issue is i have lost attraction to her. I still love her, love spending time with her, doing stuff together but I dont want to have sex with her. Even when i’m horny I dont get turned on by her but still get turned on by other women. She initiates and i kind of reject her which isnt nice situation for anyone.

Not sure what to do. Am i clinging on to a dead marriage or can the attraction be re-discovered? If attraction can be got back how? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

This happened to my one of my close friends. He was a natural PUA.. it wasn't looks he just developed the skills early without need of forums like this. His body count is higher than the majority of this board. He said he lost interest in his wife and for the last 7 years of the marriage he rarely had sex with her. During that time he had one FWB.

 

[bmp2cpm]

As someone who is a big believer in marriage, I would advise you to get out of the marriage.

Life is too short to stay in a bad marriage. I speak from experience as I wasted too many years of my life in a bad marriage with my first wife.

Here’s how a marriage works:

• wife does domestic duties -seems her mom is doing these instead
• wife respects man - seems her anxiety overrides any respect for you. Sounds like there may be more than anxiety going on though.
  
  
• husband shares and commits all things in exchange for great s*x - seems you do not want your reward
• major bonus points for a couple being religious as it keeps the marriage stronger - I’m guessing no bonus points in this marriage

The marriage can only go downhill from here.

Even in my awful marriage, the first two years were fun. You are having major problems at year one.

Whatever you decide, make sure to take care of the dog. The dog is worthy of your love and attention. Do not rehome the most loyal creature you willl ever come accross.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Probably half the dudes on Earth.

Do you have kids?

Does she want kids?

Go to marriage counselling.

That might work, just be really careful when shopping around.

Maybe go solo a few times until you find one that kind of matches, then bring her along.

 

[LTG71]

However the issue is i have lost attraction to her. I still love her, love spending time with her, doing stuff together but I dont want to have sex with her. Even when i’m horny I don’t get turned on by her but still get turned on by other women. She initiates and i kind of reject her which isnt nice situation for anyone.

Not sure what to do. Am i clinging on to a dead marriage or can the attraction be re-discovered? If attraction can be got back how? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

The unresolved reoccurring arguments have probably killed your desire. Doesn’t matter what she looks like at this point, you feel disrespected and that over rides everything. You need to clean that up before you can stand looking at her in that way again. The marriage is not dead per se. Working on the business together sounds like it has been challenging and maybe you need her to step away and do it alone If possible.

You’re tired of the fights so you start picking at other things to add fuel to your anger. Resolve that before the resentment gets too deep.

One the other note. At some point the attraction wears off. This seems like a natural thing. Even worse once you have kids and the occurrence of sex plummets into the ground. At this phase, it seems like everywhere you look there are hotter women, lol! Me and my married buddies are always checking out other women, I don’t think this ever stops.

 

[Fugitive99]

It can be rediscovered and the way it happens is by starting to have sex with her again and start getting her to do really dirty things that she may not have done before that you want her to. Start pushing the envelope.

Dont think you understand this mind space. Literally dont want to touch her in that way.

 

[Fugitive99]

Your wife gained weight…that is most of the reason. Size 10 is too big. A wife should not be above a 6 when she is not pregnant. Your wife gaining weight is total disrespect. You need to sit her down and tell her candidly that she needs to drop the weight. From that point on you should only reward the good behavior towards that goal.

Just be warned, OP…. There is a significant chance she will not heed your demand about the weight. You need to get into marriage counseling and call a divorce lawyer. The chance of salvaging this unlikely.

Thanks for this advice. She actually loves going to gym just was too busy with work so stopped going. I’m encouraging her to continue. But also dont want to be a hypocrite so trying to get in better shape myself too. Both of us are not fat but not super fit either. She was slimmer when i met her and i did find this more attractive.

 

[Fugitive99]

This happened to my one of my close friends. He was a natural PUA.. it wasn't looks he just developed the skills early without need of forums like this. His body count is higher than the majority of this board. He said he lost interest in his wife and for the last 7 years of the marriage he rarely had sex with her. During that time he had one FWB.

I totally get this. And getting a FWB is something i’ve explored. Issue for me is this - keeping that a secret forever is not intelligent thinking. Sooner or later they find out and then all hell breaks loose. Most people slip up covering their tracks especially as time goes on and they get casual about it.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Dont think you understand this mind space. Literally dont want to touch her in that way.

You asked how you can fix it and I answered it. I do understand it. That's how you fix it.

Once you start doing it you'll start wanting to more...it's a mental thing.

Your mind and your thoughts control your actions but what most people don't realize is it works in reverse as well...

Your actions can control your thoughts and mind. The pathway for this is bi-directional, not uni-directional.

 

[Fugitive99]

As someone who is a big believer in marriage, I would advise you to get out of the marriage.

Life is too short to stay in a bad marriage. I speak from experience as I wasted too many years of my life in a bad marriage with my first wife.

Here’s how a marriage works:

• wife does domestic duties -seems her mom is doing these instead
• wife respects man - seems her anxiety overrides any respect for you. Sounds like there may be more than anxiety going on though.
  
  
• husband shares and commits all things in exchange for great s*x - seems you do not want your reward
• major bonus points for a couple being religious as it keeps the marriage stronger - I’m guessing no bonus points in this marriage

The marriage can only go downhill from here.

Even in my awful marriage, the first two years were fun. You are having major problems at year one.

Whatever you decide, make sure to take care of the dog. The dog is worthy of your love and attention. Do not rehome the most loyal creature you willl ever come accross.

I wouldn’t describe the marriage as bad. For sure it was 6 months ago. The respect thing was resolved when i spoke to her and she corrected her behaviour. If nothing else that shows she does respect me to correct like that and also she wants it to work. So the relationship is continuing on mutual respect and good times together but even though she corrected her behaviour i just cant flip that switch and get the attraction back

Domestic duties because we both work long hours kind of dont have time for it. She’s not a stay at home wife. We both work.

God is important to us. So is the dog. Should be going church more then we do. I should probably lead on that but if im honest probably tired from working all week, a bit lazy and a bit of lack of motivation.

Did you get divorced or are you still married? What was your breaking point or how you turned it around?

 

[EyeBRollin]

Thanks for this advice. She actually loves going to gym just was too busy with work so stopped going. I’m encouraging her to continue. But also dont want to be a hypocrite so trying to get in better shape myself too. Both of us are not fat but not super fit either. She was slimmer when i met her and i did find this more attractive.

Don’t feel guilty. It is a wife’s responsibility to stay fit and attractive to her husband. A wife that doesn’t do it.. is failing.

 

[Fugitive99]

Probably half the dudes on Earth.

Do you have kids?

Does she want kids?



That might work, just be really careful when shopping around.

Maybe go solo a few times until you find one that kind of matches, then bring her along.

No kids. Stayed away from it deliberately dont think this marriage is ready for it. The dog was her idea and in some ways has brought us closer and in some ways private time for us has fallen even lower in priorities.

 

[Fugitive99]

The unresolved reoccurring arguments have probably killed your desire. Doesn’t matter what she looks like at this point, you feel disrespected and that over rides everything. You need to clean that up before you can stand looking at her in that way again. The marriage is not dead per se. Working on the business together sounds like it has been challenging and maybe you need her to step away and do it alone If possible.

You’re tired of the fights so you start picking at other things to add fuel to your anger. Resolve that before the resentment gets too deep.

One the other note. At some point the attraction wears off. This seems like a natural thing. Even worse once you have kids and the occurrence of sex plummets into the ground. At this phase, it seems like everywhere you look there are hotter women, lol! Me and my married buddies are always checking out other women, I don’t think this ever stops.

100%. I asked her to take a step away from the business and she needed to in any case because she had to go back to full time work after covid. But despite resolving this and the respect thing my desire to have sex with her hasn’t come back yet.

Yeah i guess I’ve just got to that point very early. So what are we supposed to do at that point? Try and re-discover attraction? **** other women in secret? Ditch the marriage? Or just accept it?

 

[EyeBRollin]

100%. I asked her to take a step away from the business and she needed to in any case because she had to go back to full time work after covid. But despite resolving this and the respect thing my desire to have sex with her hasn’t come back yet.

Yeah i guess I’ve just got to that point very early. So what are we supposed to do at that point? Try and re-discover attraction? **** other women in secret? Ditch the marriage? Or just accept it?

It is her responsibility to stay desirable to you. Communicate that to her directly. If she doesn’t care about your attraction the relationship is already dead.

 

[Aristippus]

You could try this and see what happens. Look at pictures of naked women you find attractive. Now imagine you're having sex with one of them as you're having sex with her. This might work for conditioning the sexual attraction back in. Just an idea.

 

[Aristippus]

p.s. This may take a few repetitions to re-condition in the sexual arousal you felt before with her.