One of my mistakes and regrets that I’ve made recently was to go into an exclusive relationship with arms wide open and not bring up anything regarding boundaries.
The only reason why I felt I messed up was by reading stories similar to OP’s. I have the same exact problem where she goes for drinks with her male friends 1:1. She’s perfect in every other aspect(cooks, passionate in bed...) but this is not something I would accept. Comply or goodbye.
Right now, I’m lining up some candidates, creating distance between us and only replying sporadically to her texts. I disagree with some of the advice about communicating with her that you fill uncomfortable with her spending time with male friends. She absolutely knows what she’s doing. They are all adept at manipulation and way better than us men.
The main lesson from all this is always have a talk about boundaries and if she balks at any of your requirements, you will pretty much know what’s in store for you in future.
That being said, I’m interested in gathering thoughts regarding how to have the ‘boundaries’ conversation midway in an exclusive relationship without appearing insecure(if one of the boundaries is her seeing her male friends) and setting myself up to be gaslighted.
Yep, that’s why I think there’s only two options here - see the situation for what it is, pull rip cord without saying a word, or the Mei Ling option
Late getting into this thread and have not read the 7 pages of replies but I will chime in based on your original post.
Back when I was blue-pilled and married, my wife left me for one of her male buddies who she then entered a multi-year LTR with. I never thought he was a threat because he was a 4 and she was an 8 or a 9. They barely ever hung out and she almost never talked about him. You just never know with women.
The girl I just dated for a year and recently broke up with had a lot of beta male orbiters. I didn't feel threatened by them because none of them were anywhere close to her in looks, but that may have been naïve on my part given what happened with my ex wife. I'll never know for sure if anything happened with her and any of those guys but I have reason to believe something did.
At the same time, you can't control women either. If a woman wants to cheat, she will cheat. However, I do think that drawing clear boundaries is important because it accomplishes several things. First and foremost is that it forces her to ACT and make a decision on what is more important, seeing her male friends 1:1 or being in a committed relationship with you. In my book, no person in a committed relationship should be spending time 1:1 with someone of the opposite sex. That is a boundary for me and it applies to me equally as it applies to a girl I'm in a relationship with. There are some women who won't accept that boundary, and will try to label me as insecure or controlling for it. That's ok. Those women can go date someone else instead of me. Second is that it reduces the chance that an emotional affair happens, which can then lead to a physical affair, and it reduces the chances of someone meddling in your relationship. If a woman WANTS to cheat, she will, but if your boundaries remove her from the types of situations that evolve into an affair or cheating, it does reduce the risk. And it's also very important that you are standing up for yourself - by setting these boundaries. Good women will respect your doing this.
If you aren't exclusive with a girl, then I wouldn't bring up male friends. I just take note at the stage in the dating process as to if she has any male friends and if so, how many, and how close they are and compare and contrast the same for her female friends. The more male friends she has and the fewer female friends she has, the bigger the red flag. I have learned not to enter exclusive relationships with women like that. But if she asks to be exclusive, and you really want to be, then that would be the time to bring up the guy friends and how you couldn't be in an exclusive relationship with a girl who spends time 1:1 with other men - it's just not what you are looking for.
Because you said you were concerned with how bringing up her guy friend(s) would go, and that she would react negatively to it, I will say that I have learned it is VERY important to form and communicate your own boundaries without thought as to whether a girl is going to like them or not. You can't worry whether or not she will like your boundary. You simply state your boundary and if she doesn't like it, you walk away and never look back.
Yes, sometimes some deeply insecure women will get with a very low SMV guy because they’re terrified of being cheated on + being on their own.
My first love looked like a blue eyed Britney Spears. I was a good looking guy back then, but, as pretty as she was, she was unbelievably possessive. I didn’t really understand boundaries or the root of her insecurities at the time, so it would culminate into explosive arguments. No matter what, it didn’t stop her possessiveness, until one day I get home from work to a Dear John.
To cut a long story short, I find out that she monkey branched with her boss. This utterly knocked me for six because he was around 350 lbs of flab, glasses, ugly, and so camp, everyone thought he was gay.
When I sat down, and tried to make sense of the situation, I realised that her insecurities made her cling to this guy because he was a safe option who, she felt, no other woman would ever find attractive, therefore this eased her abandonment fears.
However, in such relationships, the more attractive one can never feel true sexual attraction for the other, rather they’re just clinging to them because they’re terrified of being abandoned. Also, the ugly one is always in beggar mode, which gives the attractive party a sense of empowerment.
This girl, however, forgot to take into account that this guy had money, so could attract gold diggers. Some years later, she monkey branched on him for a clone, albeit a poor clone. Why? Because being morbidly obese, bald, effeminate, and
poor would 100% eliminate competition from any females.
Moral of the story: stay the fvck away from very possessive women. Although it seems flattering at first, you eventually realise that their clinginess stems from abandonment fears. When they realise they can’t manipulate you into being in their sight 24/7, they’ll start searching for your replacement (someone they can control), then poof! You’re gone like you didn’t exist.
