Male Friends

[samspade]

Hi, yes no doubt drinking more contributes. Got out of hand past few days and stops now. Really isn't too a big a deal in terms of reducing it, don't want to give the impression of being some kind of alcoholic !

Just to clarify, the ex she had issues with last month is her ex husband from 4 years ago, so she isn't on the rebound from recent relationship.

I may not have framed some of my posts well, but she is showing high interest. Says I can come over whenever now, suggests I come over regularly, allowed to be around her child, bought me presents, suggests holidays, clearly really into me when I'm with her.
Like yiu say, this guy is something to keep an eye on, but I'm not convinced something is going on, going by how he's been mentioned previously. I'll think about whether to raise it this time or not. I'll do it face to face if I do so I can see her reaction. Over text will give her time to think about what to say.

Despite this thread may be showing otherwise I'm confident I haven't shown any insecurity/weakness around her, frame strong. Tease her regularly, lots of physical contact, convesation flows... overall dynamics are great.I don't think she is in control of this relationship or pulling the strings by a long stretch tbh, despite what some on here probably think.

Key thing is not getting too involved whilst there are question marks around, which I'm confident I can. draw it out whilst still looking for other girls. Seems a shame to potentialy sabotage an escalating relationship over this. Attractive girl, regular sex, get on well etc

Just remember, if it costs you peace of mind, it's too expensive.

You don't have to be convinced logically of anything. It's a matter of gut instincts and inner peace.

 

[B80]

If she shows that she is not committed to, albeit through friendships with other men, then you should not commit to her.

As @AlphaDraconis suggested, I would start openly chatting up a female friend and see how she reacts.

I lean more towards the "close friends of the opposite sex do not exist in an LTR" camp. If an opportunity arises for the two to hook up, you can almost guarantee it will happen at some point.

Also, if she has only male friends and few female friends, that is a problem in of itself. That means no other women find her interesting enough to spend time with, not a good place for an LTR candidate.

Assuming I did take the approach of chatting up a female friend, not sure how she would know anyway as I'm not on social media...

 

[rjc149]

Key thing is not getting too involved whilst there are question marks around, which I'm confident I can. draw it out whilst still looking for other girls. Seems a shame to potentialy sabotage an escalating relationship over this. Attractive girl, regular sex, get on well etc

Exactly. Trust but verify. I wouldn't listen too closely to posters advising you to start mind-fvcking her back, or preemptively cut her off, or otherwise punish her for spiking your anxiety (which is, to a certain extent, exacerbated by the booze).

If you think it's going well, then go with the flow -- just make sure you guard your heart until things are 100% clear with her.

 

[samspade]

Assuming I did take the approach of chatting up a female friend, not sure how she would know anyway as I'm not on social media...

It's not about doing it to show off or prove a point.

It's about evening things out internally, remembering that there are other women out there. Abundance mindset.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

Assuming I did take the approach of chatting up a female friend, not sure how she would know anyway as I'm not on social media...

Judging by her most recent antics, it sounds like you‘re being love bombed, but that’s just typically cyclic. Just as you’re on a high, she’ll likely do something to bring you down again (idealisation to devaluation), then you’ll start feeling anxiety again — wondering if your next dopamine hit will ever come around. While your nerves are on knife edge, this is when you start smoking and drinking more heavily again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Anyways, OP, you’re your own man, it’s ultimately your choice what you do. I’ll say no more on this subject, but take care of yourself, and best to you.

 

[CoandaEffect]

I would be careful of reading too much into the fact that this lady has male friends. Nothing wrong with that at all, as long as they are just platonic friends. I have female platonic friends and they have boyfriends, the boyfriends know about me (I’ve met them) and everyone is cool.

If you have a girlfriend and she has male friends then the fact that it concerns you is a reflection of your insecurity, not her infidelity.

The idea that when you get a girlfriend, she has to drop all contact with her other male friends is just BS. Any girlfriend of mine has to accept that I have a good female friend and if that is an issue for her then she can leave. I have no time for the jealous girlfriends.

I’m just giving you a different perspective here. A confident man would not care one little bit about this.

 

[rjc149]

Again it's always a tricky fine line between communicating your boundaries, and in doing so, possibly coming off as insecure or threatened.

Given that this is at the very beginning of your relationship, you need to air grievances assertively, succinctly and immediately. If you don't, it will build up and fester, resulting in more and more insecure behavior from you, and more and more tests of your boundaries from her.

If movie night with a male friend bothers you, tell her. But tell her once, and don't keep bringing it up. Don't give her rules or tell her how she needs to behave.

If she values you and respects you, she will validate your concerns and will attempt to reach an understanding with you.

If she doesn't value or respect you, she'll dismiss it, deride it, and ignore or disregard the fact that it bothers you. And that's when you cut her loose.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

I would be careful of reading too much into the fact that this lady has male friends. Nothing wrong with that at all, as long as they are just platonic friends. I have female platonic friends and they have boyfriends, the boyfriends know about me (I’ve met them) and everyone is cool.

If you have a girlfriend and she has male friends then the fact that it concerns you is a reflection of your insecurity, not her infidelity.

The idea that when you get a girlfriend, she has to drop all contact with her other male friends is just BS. Any girlfriend of mine has to accept that I have a good female friend and if that is an issue for her then she can leave. I have no time for the jealous girlfriends.

I’m just giving you a different perspective here. A confident man would not care one little bit about this.

Sounds like you’re no potential threat (no Chad), that’s why their BFs don’t care if you’re their GFs man servant. You save them the job of carrying her bags, being her chauffeur, butler, emotional tampon, etc. Women don’t make good friends, that’s why platonic friendships are a fallacy. Instead, women just hit a guy up when in need of something; to d*ck tease; to use in triangulation games (if he’s good looking).

 

[bat soup]

Hey,

Girl im seeing has a big social circle, including male friends.

One of them crops up a fair bit. Has a decent career, not a bad looking chap.

Career path similar to hers. She's quite open about they go for walks from time to time, likes chatting to him about career, mentoring, etc amongst other things. Also said she mentioned things to him between me and her and that he apparently said i sound like a good bloke, could be right man for her or something to that effect.

She told me months ago no man shes been involved with has met her daughter, apart from male friends like this man. Didnt have to volunteer that, could have just kept it quiet.

She mentioned he has girl friend of a few years.

Initially when she mentioned male friends didn't care as it was beginning of things, now 3/4 months later I sometimes wonder whether there's more to this guy.

For example today we spent all day together with kids when her daughter said x is coming over later isn't he to drop the weights off (she did mention last week he was dropping weights off for home gym at some point). Could be me being paranoid and misreading but thought she looked a bit off balance briefly by her daughter saying it.

A few weeks ago she mentioned people crashing at hers and mentioned female friends and this guy has in the past lol. She said it in such a normal open way, thst made me think if something was going on she wouldn't have mentioned him doing that, even though to me it's an odd thing to do, particularly as he has a girlfriend... apparently.

She also mentioned they speak on phone regularly. She's extrovert, very sociable, always chatting to various friends.

I'm wary of mentioning it as could make me look insecure, paranoid etc and cause the end of it.

But as relationship progresses, particularly as she raised exclusivety subject last week, wondering whether a conversation around boundaries is needed at some point.

If he is/was her fwb clearly nothing serious is destined to happen at this point as it surely would have done by now, so I'm thinking as long as I keep her interest levels high,, I shouldn't be worried about these kind of men. Just be confident I'm the catch and not show insecurity or raise it.

But at same time it doesn't sit right and I'm thinking if I need to somehow raise this without pissing her off as there's a chance nothing is happening/he's not a long term threat.... not now but at some point.

I know directly raising it is unlikely to end in a positive outcome, she could easily lie anyway and unless I found evidence may never find out.in fact right at beginning of seeing each other, one night when drunk together I did casually ask if they had ever slept together she casually said no way, he's not her cup of tea.

Im thinking if there's a way of being more covert in broaching the subject...

Tell her that you'd like to meet him and when you do, give him a high 5.

 

[CoandaEffect]

Sounds like you’re ...

You do not know me, so don’t judge me. I’m not judging you and I would ask you to extend the same level of respect.

I have no dog in this fight, I’m just giving a different perspective that OP may not have considered.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

You do not know me, so don’t judge me. I’m not judging you and I would ask you to extend the same level of respect.

I have no dog in this fight, I’m just giving a different perspective that OP may not have considered.

My reply wasn’t intended as any form of mockery, rather I’m just telling it how it is. The majority of guys (myself included) are not genetically superior. If you were, say... someone like a prime Dolph Lundgren, then their BF’s would sure as sh1t be losing their sh1t at you spending lots of alone time with their girls. In fact, even as an afar acquaintance they’d be having anxiety attacks.

 

[rjc149]

My reply wasn’t intended as any form of mockery, rather I’m just telling it how it is. The majority of guys (myself included) are not genetically superior. If you were, say... someone like a prime Dolph Lundgren, then their BF’s would sure as sh1t be losing their sh1t at you spending lots of alone time with their girls. In fact, even as an afar acquaintance they’d be having anxiety attacks.

Lol what is with you and Dolph Lundgren?

 

[AlphaDraconis]

Lol what is with you and Dolph Lundgren?

Well, just using him as a prime example of a genetically superior male. high T, 6ft5”, good bone structure, physique, etc.

I mean, there are probably better examples, but, let’s say someone of that genetic stock was introduced as a platonic guy friend, I doubt many of the 80% would be cool with that.

 

[B80]

I would be careful of reading too much into the fact that this lady has male friends. Nothing wrong with that at all, as long as they are just platonic friends. I have female platonic friends and they have boyfriends, the boyfriends know about me (I’ve met them) and everyone is cool.

If you have a girlfriend and she has male friends then the fact that it concerns you is a reflection of your insecurity, not her infidelity.

The idea that when you get a girlfriend, she has to drop all contact with her other male friends is just BS. Any girlfriend of mine has to accept that I have a good female friend and if that is an issue for her then she can leave. I have no time for the jealous girlfriends.

I’m just giving you a different perspective here. A confident man would not care one little bit about this.

Thanks for this.


Yeah I did consider that for sure... my issue and wary of causing doubts on her part over nothing.

anxiousness has certainly escalated after posting here and drinking more past few days, but feeling more at ease about it now.

 

[rjc149]

Well, just using him as a prime example of a genetically superior male. high T, 6ft5”, good bone structure, physique, etc.

I mean, there are probably better examples, but, let’s say someone of that genetic stock was introduced as a platonic guy friend, I doubt many of the 80% would be cool with that.

Lol dude you are too much.

 

[B80]

Again it's always a tricky fine line between communicating your boundaries, and in doing so, possibly coming off as insecure or threatened.

Given that this is at the very beginning of your relationship, you need to air grievances assertively, succinctly and immediately. If you don't, it will build up and fester, resulting in more and more insecure behavior from you, and more and more tests of your boundaries from her.

If movie night with a male friend bothers you, tell her. But tell her once, and don't keep bringing it up. Don't give her rules or tell her how she needs to behave.

If she values you and respects you, she will validate your concerns and will attempt to reach an understanding with you.

If she doesn't value or respect you, she'll dismiss it, deride it, and ignore or disregard the fact that it bothers you. And that's when you cut her loose.

So as I haven't demonstrated insecurity yet around this to her and I can accept it as my issue and that for now accept they are friends and nothing more, and not allow it to fester and show to her, I'm thinking better not to mention it, but continue to monitor.

Bearing in mind this was first time she mentioned seeing him since prior to xmas so not an overly regular thing.

Assuming above would you let things ride for now and not raise it?

 

[rart]

Lol dude you are too much.

where exactly is he wrong?

 

[samspade]

Sounds like you’re no potential threat (no Chad), that’s why their BFs don’t care if you’re their GFs man servant. You save them the job of carrying her bags, being her chauffeur, butler, emotional tampon, etc.

A high value man can be friends with anyone he wants to because he doesn't give a fukk. You're assuming a male friend does man-servant things like this, but that's coming from a low-value perspective - maybe based on your experience or from some of of the binary posts around here.

@CoandaEffect is right IMO, it's about insecurity and inner game. Doesn't mean there is never sexual tension, or that they won't wind up fukking some day. But women can bring a lot of value to a man's life besides just sex - I know most of Sosuave doesn't believe that but that's been my experience.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

Lol dude you are too much.

Women have the benefit of vastly enhancing their appearances. If you google celebs without makeup, a conventionally accepted 9 or 10 isn’t all that. In fact, many women look just as sh1tty as the average guy. Us guys have to face the world with what our genetics handed us, so it would be nice if women kept these things in mind when looking down on guys for not fitting their aesthetic ideal, when they know how they feel when looking at their own bare appearances each morning.

Without the power of makeup, they’d be the ones in simp mode.

 

[rjc149]

So as I haven't demonstrated insecurity yet around this to her and I can accept it as my issue and that for now accept they are friends and nothing more, and not allow it to fester and show to her, I'm thinking better not to mention it, but continue to monitor.

Bearing in mind this was first time she mentioned seeing him since prior to xmas so not an overly regular thing.

Assuming above would you let things ride for now and not raise it?

My advice here is going to be more relationship-focused, which is appropriate given that you have both agreed to be exclusive with each other. I think you get enough "be alpha and spin more plates" advice here.

You're now in a relationship with a woman who has a lot of close male friendships. If you expect this relationship to last, you will need to get comfortable with that.

But you will also need to voice your opinions and grievances in a succinct, non-emotional way.

If your grievances are fundamentally at odds with how she lives her life, then this is a basic incompatibility and your relationship doesn't have strong legs to stand on.

Pretending you don't care when you do care is not the way to go. Don't put on an act. Being in a relationship means you need to be yourself.

Simply tell her you feel it's a little disrespectful that she's having movie night alone with a guy right after asking you to be exclusive. Don't give her rules, ultimatums, requirements. Make sure you clarify to her "I want you to have friends, I want to you have a social life, and I want to you feel free to do what you want to do. Just understand how I feel when you're spending evenings alone with another guy. That's all."

And that's it. Never bring it up again. Gauge how she reacts. But don't let it slide "for now." That's weak. Squash beefs immediately.

If you have no interest in anything serious or long-term with her, then yeah, I agree, don't bring it up. Just go spin more plates.