Making Friends As An Adult

[BaronOfHair]

This is a topic that's been broached on this forum previously, and now a video on the subject

just cropped up on my YT sidebar

I haven't actually watched it yet

 

[justaroundthecorner]

It is difficult past some age. I moved to the another city when I was in my early 30's. I have acquaintances/colleagues here only. Friends? I do not think so.

 

[BaronOfHair]

I have acquaintances/colleagues here only. Friends? I do not think so.

Spending your off-hours glued to The X Box and binge watching She Hulk for the 1,000,000,000,000,000th time yields that effect

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Spending your off-hours glued to The X Box and binge watching She Hulk for the 1,000,000,000,000,000th time yields that effect

Get those hours up to 10,000 and you'll be a Gladwell-certified expert.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Get those hours up to 10,000 and you'll be a Gladwell-certified expert.

Similar to The Kaiser's army in WW1. Exhaustive practice with mustard gas, during encounters like Ypres, left those Krauts nothing less than masterful, when it came time to break out the Zyklon B at Auschwitz

 

[plumber]

easy to make friends with those that look up to you. difficult to make friends with those we look up to.

 

[Solomon]

I only get more friends as I get older, but that probably has to do with the way I live. Plenty of lonely people in Amsterdam.

^^^This, if you live an active or interesting life it's not that hard. I have made friends at work, in the gym, at bars, church, fashion events heck I even made a friend several years ago at an art gallery, but the friendship ended cause it was one-sided. It's about putting yourself out there. Vetting people is a must though, IME a lot of people aren't worthy of friendships. A wise woman recently told me there is "levels of friendships" don't treat someone like a best friend who treats you as an aquistance or associate at best. Once you figure that out, it makes easier to deal with various people

 

[Giovanni SouthSide]

I find that people use the term “friend” too loosely now a days. If most people were in a life or death situation they would be hang to dry by that one “friend”.
I already got my very few solids to shoot the camaraderie spill.
Now in my early 30s I am looking more for mentor-type friends where I can learn how to weave through life better.

 

[jhonny9546]

It is difficult past some age. I moved to the other city when I was in my early 30's. I have acquaintances/colleagues here only. Friends? I do not think so.

Many people stay in childhood social circles, school, even if they are toxic, and will influence each other of their toxicity, and will not want to stop hanging out, just because there would be too much work to do to meet new people or, leaving those circles would make them feel lonely.

I have always believed in the exposure theory: what do you do? what are you doing 10 hours a day? Are you stuck in an office focused on your career to make money? Then it is likely that you will have few friends.
Are you a personal trainer? Are many of your clients always new people?
You will meet a lot of people, but few of them are your friends. But the impression of knowing these people will make your social circle large and you will be invited to events.

In my opinion we should redefine the best activities a man can spend time in, which can also lead to the construction of sincere and lasting friendships (since you will always do that thing together for life), such as fitness, walking the dog, which is an almost daily thing.

This is how you become "colleagues" and "schoolmates".
You work or study together, maybe even in the same place.

Here we need the version of @SW15, she would certainly have things to add.

 

[SW15]

Here we need the version of @SW15, she would certainly have things to add.

I moved to my current city as an unmarried, unattached man in my late 20s with no connections to the area. I am now in my early 40s.

When I arrived in my late 20s, I was able to make a good variety of friends with other 20 somethings. These were mainly new graduates with bachelor's and master's level degrees in their early to mid 20s. I added some other older friends too.

I made the majority of my friends through my apartment community and attending some events.

Over time, these people who I met eventually got married and had children. Some moved to other cities. It put me in a more difficult spot socially. I have a thread on this forum about my social circle connections....

Pregnancy Announcements Everywhere! Life When Your Blue Pill Social Circle Starts Having Babies

Yesterday, I was on my Instagram and saw a pregnancy announcement from an acquaintance's wife in my social circle. I don't particularly like her. I find it annoying to be around her the 1-2 times a year I ever randomly see her in person. Right now, there are 3 women from my local area social...

www.sosuave.net

I am in a spot right now where I need to make new friends as well. While I've retained a lot of the friends that I initially made when I moved to this city, they now live different lives than I live. I need more unmarried, childless friends. For years, I've been lacking a man who could be a good wingman for me with bar visits. This hasn't been that much of an issue since I primarily meet women through non-bar approaching. However, it would be nice to have a better nightgame option than rolling to venues solo and approaching women. None of my married male friends have any interest in accompanying me to bars.

With my friends/social circle connections primarily having kids, I primarily have to interact with parents of young children for social gatherings at times, such as major holidays.

While I need more unmarried, childless friends, I haven't had time to find them in recent years. I've been busy with work/employment issues and navigating the mating environment. For late 30s/early 40s men, it is difficult to find 34-45 year old unmarried, childless men through real world activities.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I moved to my current city as an unmarried, unattached man in my late 20s with no connections to the area. I am now in my early 40s.

When I arrived in my late 20s, I was able to make a good variety of friends with other 20 somethings. These were mainly new graduates with bachelor's and master's level degrees in their early to mid 20s. I added some other older friends too.

I made the majority of my friends through my apartment community and attending some events.

Over time, these people who I met eventually got married and had children. Some moved to other cities. It put me in a more difficult spot socially. I have a thread on this forum about my social circle connections....

Pregnancy Announcements Everywhere! Life When Your Blue Pill Social Circle Starts Having Babies

Yesterday, I was on my Instagram and saw a pregnancy announcement from an acquaintance's wife in my social circle. I don't particularly like her. I find it annoying to be around her the 1-2 times a year I ever randomly see her in person. Right now, there are 3 women from my local area social...

www.sosuave.net

I am in a spot right now where I need to make new friends as well. While I've retained a lot of the friends that I initially made when I moved to this city, they now live different lives than I live. I need more unmarried, childless friends. For years, I've been lacking a man who could be a good wingman for me with bar visits. This hasn't been that much of an issue since I primarily meet women through non-bar approaching. However, it would be nice to have a better nightgame option than rolling to venues solo and approaching women. None of my married male friends have any interest in accompanying me to bars.

With my friends/social circle connections primarily having kids, I primarily have to interact with parents of young children for social gatherings at times, such as major holidays.

While I need more unmarried, childless friends, I haven't had time to find them in recent years. I've been busy with work/employment issues and navigating the mating environment. For late 30s/early 40s men, it is difficult to find 34-45 year old unmarried, childless men through real world activities.

I’m not going to lie, the older, single, unmarried, childless guys I come across in the wild usually seem kind of off. A lot of them come across like they couldn’t bag anyone, so they just gave up — they don’t give off a player vibe at all. Then there are the ones who don’t act their age and are still out chasing skirts like they’re 20, but like they are super thirsty for a woman.

 

[BaronOfHair]

It put me in a more difficult spot socially

Nah... Chronic logorreah + A predilection for veering off on tangents which elevate the trope of comically missing the point to symphonic and operatic levels (such as https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/be-thankful-that-you-are-a-man.283964/#post-3156833 To say nothing of your most recent post on this page)are what's put you in a difficult spot socially

Your married friends with kids would probably still enjoy your company, IF ONLY they could mention topics like Walmart having been out of Pampers yesterday morning, WITHOUT you then responding with a 20 minute soliloquy, the likes of is mostly centered around topics like crony capitalism and folks in the former USSR having to stand in lines which stretched from Moscow to Novosibirsk, all for a few slices of bread

Behavior like that leaves the impression that you aren't actually following along with a conversation, and instead eager for opportunities to vent your internal baggage

 

[SW15]

I’m not going to lie, the older, single, unmarried, childless guys I come across in the wild usually seem kind of off

You are meeting these men out in the wild. I am not encountering these men in the wild. These could be potential friends for me.

A lot of them come across like they couldn’t bag anyone, so they just gave up — they don’t give off a player vibe at all. Then there are the ones who don’t act their age and are still out chasing skirts like they’re 20, but like they are super thirsty for a woman.

This is an interesting observation. I'm not meeting these men at all. The media likes to the hype that more and more aging Millennials (35-early 40s) are never married and childless. I'm not finding that to be my experience. It is not easy to find fellow 35+ childless Millennial men for potential friendships.

 

[jhonny9546]

@SW15 Well said.

The one about couples getting married is the absolute truth, and by remaining friends with them and hanging out with them you will also be seen as a "stranger" because you are single.

Also, age is just a number, but once you reach a certain age it is difficult to find people who are in the same situation as you. (The lack of your friend from the bar).

Now I also believe that there is something more fundamental. Many people today, make friends digitally.
And I would like to return to the original post How do you make friends, as an adult.

For this reasons, perople, tend to have few or no real friends or meaningful connections, especially nowadays.


Isn’t it strange? We have incredibly powerful tools right at our fingertips that can connect us with almost anyone. So why is it that many of us still feel disconnected? Maybe it’s because we don’t know how to use these tools effectively. Perhaps we have hundreds of contacts but hesitate to reach out, worried we might bother them.
I really don’t understand why we don’t take full advantage of this opportunity. For example, if you have 300 contacts and you message 50 of them every day, that means you’re actively maintaining relationships with 50 people in your wider social circle.


How do you keep up your interactions? Especially when it comes to friendships, how do you balance staying in touch without seeming intrusive? Do you send one message a week? One a day? What do you usually write? Invitations to events? Casual check-ins? Requests for help?
Do you dedicate some time every morning to catch up with your contacts? Do you ask about their plans for the day or invite them to join activities like a walk, pizza night, a barbecue, a card game, a hike, or a dog walk?


Now, for sosuavers: If you’re talking with women who might be potential partner, whether for FWB or LTR, or something else, how do you keep the interaction mysterious? How do you avoid being labeled “just a friend” while still regularly checking in on their updates?

 

[CoolWave1331]

I’m not going to lie, the older, single, unmarried, childless guys I come across in the wild usually seem kind of off. A lot of them come across like they couldn’t bag anyone, so they just gave up — they don’t give off a player vibe at all. Then there are the ones who don’t act their age and are still out chasing skirts like they’re 20, but like they are super thirsty for a woman.

This is the reality. It's a young man's game. As you get older younger women will slowly start to be out of reach & your social circle will shrink because your friends will marry, start a family etc. This puts you in tough spot: "too old" for some places (college bar scene / night clubs etc) and long removed from places that provided lots of opportunities (university if you attended, as an example). If these guys are largely just waking up, going to work, coming home, making dinner & then going to bed, they are in extremely difficult situation to get out of hence hence give up as you said.

 

[Clockwerk50]

You are meeting these men out in the wild. I am not encountering these men in the wild. These could be potential friends for me.



This is an interesting observation. I'm not meeting these men at all. The media likes to the hype that more and more aging Millennials (35-early 40s) are never married and childless. I'm not finding that to be my experience. It is not easy to find fellow 35+ childless Millennial men for potential friendships.

They’re few and far between, yes, since it’s a very specific niche group. I’ve met childish men with girlfriends or wives who either chose not to have kids or can’t have them. I’ve met divorced fathers and men with baby mamas. And then there are those with no girlfriend and no children at all. I’d say the latter are the oddest ones.

I’m sure you don’t want to hang out with the guy from the grocery store who still gets picked up by his mom even though he’s in his late 30s or the guy who smells bad, blasts loud music, hits the punching bag in a weird way, and then just goes home.

 

[SW15]

I’m sure you don’t want to hang out with the guy from the grocery store who still gets picked up by his mom even though he’s in his late 30s or the guy who smells bad, blasts loud music, hits the punching bag in a weird way, and then just goes home.

I would not want a childless male friend like this.

I’ve met childish men with girlfriends or wives who either chose not to have kids or can’t have them.

I have some childless married man friends right now. Childless men with wives are usually normal. The problem with childless men with wives is that they aren't interested in going to bars to pick up women. When I need to meet new women, the childless married men are not going to help me. Outside of seduction, these are decent friends to have provided that we have common interests in other parts of life.

Mature (30+), childless men with girlfriends can be a good option. It depends on the relationship they have with their girlfriend. The guys who don't live with girlfriends are most open to going to the bars to meet women with me. Outside of seduction, they could be good friends provided that there are common interests. 30+ men who live with the girlfriends are going to act like the married men from the paragraph above with going out to meet women in bars.

A childless man with a girlfriend might be a childless man without a girlfriend at some point. Girlfriend relationships are less stable than marriages. Guys will often stay in dead marriages for an extended amount of time and seem that married man status. This is more common behavior for the married men with kids than married men without kids. A married man without kids doesn't have much reason to stick around a bad marriage. Right now, a weak real estate market would encourage a childless married man to stay in a bad marriage because selling a house is difficult at the moment.

there are those with no girlfriend and no children at all. I’d say the latter are the oddest ones.

I agree with your comment that these are the oddest ones.

A 30+ guy with a minimal relational history and no girlfriend is going to be different than a guy with an extensive history. The guy with the extensive history of both girlfriends and short term interactions is likely going to have better social skills and come off as less odd.

I would like unmarried and childless male friends who give off a very normal energy. I don't want a social oddball as a friend.

My local friends right now are all married men. Most have children, though I have married childless friends. I think it speaks well of my normalcy that my local friends are married men. However, that does have me lacking male friends in a similar place in life to where I am.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I would not want a childless male friend like this.



I have some childless married man friends right now. Childless men with wives are usually normal. The problem with childless men with wives is that they aren't interested in going to bars to pick up women. When I need to meet new women, the childless married men are not going to help me. Outside of seduction, these are decent friends to have provided that we have common interests in other parts of life.

Mature (30+), childless men with girlfriends can be a good option. It depends on the relationship they have with their girlfriend. The guys who don't live with girlfriends are most open to going to the bars to meet women with me. Outside of seduction, they could be good friends provided that there are common interests. 30+ men who live with the girlfriends are going to act like the married men from the paragraph above with going out to meet women in bars.

A childless man with a girlfriend might be a childless man without a girlfriend at some point. Girlfriend relationships are less stable than marriages. Guys will often stay in dead marriages for an extended amount of time and seem that married man status. This is more common behavior for the married men with kids than married men without kids. A married man without kids doesn't have much reason to stick around a bad marriage. Right now, a weak real estate market would encourage a childless married man to stay in a bad marriage because selling a house is difficult at the moment.



I agree with your comment that these are the oddest ones.

A 30+ guy with a minimal relational history and no girlfriend is going to be different than a guy with an extensive history. The guy with the extensive history of both girlfriends and short term interactions is likely going to have better social skills and come off as less odd.

I would like unmarried and childless male friends who give off a very normal energy. I don't want a social oddball as a friend.

My local friends right now are all married men. Most have children, though I have married childless friends. I think it speaks well of my normalcy that my local friends are married men. However, that does have me lacking male friends in a similar place in life to where I am.

I’ve got two examples that show what I meant:

1. Met this guy in his late 20s after he moved from Florida with his family due to immigration issues. His parents kept bragging that he used to be the center of attention in Tampa—club promoter energy, always surrounded by people, the party didn’t start until he showed up, etc.

He came here wanting to be a radio host. Now, at around 45, he’s bald, overweight, clinging to a 10-second extra role in a Netflix movie, filming reels in his basement, and promoting a failing Spanish club no one’s heard of.

2. Someone close to me had his college girlfriend break up with him after she bought an apartment and he wouldn’t step up when his parents were facing eviction. Three years later, at 30, he still lives at home. On paper, he has a lot going for him—tall, fit, government analyst job, dresses nice—but his mom still cooks, cleans, and does all his laundry.

He’s always swiping on Tinder, maybe getting laid, maybe not, but he’s clearly stuck in a prolonged adolescence. If this continues till 49 there’s obviously underlining issues. He’s the personification of Jung’s Puer Aeternus—appearing functional while avoiding the deeper responsibilities of adulthood.

I’m not saying all unmarried, childless men are like this—but a surprising number give off that same arrested development vibe. They might be good friends to have, they might be internally happy, not sure how attractive to the opposite sex they are or how helpful they would be to this goal. In this sense they are fixer uppers. I am sure you’ve seen older, childless, unmarried, single members here and you think there is something not right.

 

[SW15]

I’m not saying all unmarried, childless men are like this—but a surprising number give off that same arrested development vibe. They might be good friends to have, they might be internally happy, not sure how attractive to the opposite sex they are or how helpful they would be to this goal. In this sense they are fixer uppers.

I think your point about the arrested development vibe for never married, older, childless men is valid.

There's still an expectation in USA culture (and likely in most other developed countries) that a man should be married or have a live in girlfriend by the time he turns 40. In the past, that threshold would have been 30 or 35, but I think it is 40 now.

Most men around 40 who have never been married and never had children seem to be awkward fits in the USA culture. The media would like you to believe that there are many aging, never married, childless Millennials around 40 running around, but in my experience, that's not the case. I am having a difficult time meeting these men in real life for potential friendships.

I observe 30s/early 40s never married and childless women tend to give off less of an arrested development vibe.

I think I would benefit from having 1-2 friends around my age who are never married and childless, so long as I think they'll give off a good vibe to women in bar approach settings.

 

[Vanderdonck]

I think it's easier to get laid several times a year than to find one good friend.

I have some decent friends but once they got in relationships it was like, game over. One is just less available, another can't seem to go out with me on his own. It's always couples or group things he counter-proposes. Never just grabbing an impromptu drink or two.

And the thing is, I'm in an LTR but there's no way I'm going to let that stop me from going out and having a good time. My woman knows this and knows it's healthy and normal. So I don't get how some guys get sucked into relationships with "boundaries" (read: restrictions).

I do have a few good dependable friends back where I used to live. Alas can't see them very often.