Ltr of 4+ years broke up with me yesterday over text

[Barrister]

She started acting cold and distant sometime ago. I asked about it and she kept bringing up stuff about the past. One day she said I dont miss u anymore like I used to. Yesterday she started texting "Im sorry"

"About what?"

"I cant even say it"

"You replaced me already?"

"no"

"u wanna break up?"

"Yes. Im sorry"

@Dash Riprock already gave you the advice you need to hear. And it is going to hurt like hell to pull it off for probably a good 2-3 months. But it will be worse if you don't follow No Contact immediately. She is going to breadcrumb the hell out of you not because she cares about you, but because she wants to feel better about herself and the decision she has made. She also will do it for extra validation while she seeks out other men. The fact she is ending everything via a break-up text tells me that she has a feeling of guilt where she can't talk to you much less look at you. That likely means, as others have stated, that another man is already in the picture that is causing her to feel like she can't even interact with you on a basic level even after four years.

Save your dignity and go NC. When you're ready, reach out to other women - and I actually recommend you focus on self-improvement for a bit before you go for other women. Just based off of my own experience, I was not ready for a good couple of months to date other women following an LTR due to my mind being in a bad place. And if it hasn't already been said - use the NC Thread pinned at the top of the forum. Good luck, brother.

 

[samspade]

So your argument is semantic? Play house, cohabitate, but don’t marry - am I right?

Big difference if you choose not to invite the government into a three-way relationship with you and your partner. Not semantic at all.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Big difference if you choose not to invite the government into a three-way relationship with you and your partner. Not semantic at all.

Good luck finding a female buyer for that sales pitch.

 

[samspade]

Good luck finding a female buyer for that sales pitch.

No need for a sales pitch. They're easy to find. (And no, I don't mean angry feminists.)

Part of screening means avoiding women that buy into the marriage-industrial complex. There are many, many couples that raise children without marrying.

 

[Barrister]

Big difference if you choose not to invite the government into a three-way relationship with you and your partner. Not semantic at all.

I can see both sides on this. I do agree with @EyeBRollin on the point that most females are going to want to have some type of higher commitment after a certain time period. Granted, I do know people who have been in a non-marriage LTR (fully monogamous) for 15+ years --but this is extremely rare. Most LTRs time out after 4-5 years (similar to OP) unless marriage happens.

I also see the other side as well that marriage holds little value for men on financial basis. I do think they hold value if your goal is to raise a family, however. I suppose it is a risk-reward balancing act at that point as to whether the possibility of financial burden from a divorce is outweighed by a better environment for your children. And to a lesser extent -- more long term security with the woman herself.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Part of screening means avoiding women that buy into the marriage-industrial complex. There are many, many couples that raise children without marrying.

In the west, I’d wager that number is infinitesimal. Even the rare one that go along with it will live in the arrangement with resentment.

 

[Bokanovsky]

So your argument is semantic? Play house, cohabitate, but don’t marry - am I right?

Semantic? Do you even understand what marriage is? It's a legal contract between two parties that has certain specific consequences in the event of a divorce (i.e. division of property). The same consequences do not typically apply to unmarried couples. There is nothing "semantic" about losing 50% of your house, my friend.

 

[Fruitbat]

Her reasons are nonsense. It isn’t a reason. You don’t miss people after 4 years for goodness sake, what does she expect?

Its either something else, or someone else.

if it is the reason, you dodged a bullet. What kind of air headed reason is that? I agree with above, that is not the way to end things after 4 years.

look dude, a lot of things will be spinning through your mind. You will not observe this situation objectively.

The only thing you can do is no contact - that’s for sure. Chasing her back now is not the right move.

Think of all the positives to you of what this means - they are there, trust me. Do as suggested and improve yourself.

Not that I want to build false hope but if you harbour some hope it’s a test, or she’s trying on your commitment or whatnot (highly unlikely) then either way, what works is leaving it hanging and not responding or engaging. It keeps your self respect. It leaves you with a little bit of control - you don’t have to get thereasons, you don’t have to degrade yourself.

In all scenarios, no contact from you is the way to go. If she wants any interaction it’s up to you but she needs to be the one asking.

If it helps I hung around bridges a few times after a horrible divorce, went from a fat alcoholic and now married to a woman a decade younger and have a beautiful daughter. It’s a cliche but sometimes it does work out for the best.
All the best and chin up son.

 

[GreatHornedOwl]

You two are arch enemies lol.

 

[Georgepithyou]

Big difference if you choose not to invite the government into a three-way relationship with you and your partner. Not semantic at all.

Divorce rape still happens in common law marriage, at least here in Australia it does.

 

[Barrister]

It only hurts if you dont own the game before it starts. Guys understand this. Its just your turn. The game doesn't end.

Roissy.
Keep 1 in the kitty.

@stringpuller - first, good to see you back on the boards.

Second, I’ll disagree with you on this one. Regardless of whether the woman is Mother Teresa or pure poison, once you get used to her being in your life there is a period of time where you go through withdrawal and miss an idealized version of her. It’s unavoidable- but there’s certainly things to do to lessen that impact. But to suggest you can simply not care when a 4 year relationship ends if you had good frame is not realistic IMO.

 

[BadBoy89]

No, it’s not a “worse deal.” LTRs are a transition phase; the worst of both worlds. Women lose respect for men who don’t act like men. Either spin the plates as a single bachelor or move things along and start a life together.

I would agree only if the girl was a virgin and couldn’t leave without society punishing her harshly.

Not in a man’s best interest to start a life together with a non-virgin women who has all the leverage in the world if and when she meets someone else.

Men, LTRs lower your value. It is an admission that you can’t get reliable sex elsewhere. Her respects dwindles the longer you stay in them.

True. Marriage is even worse. If she “decides“ she wants out, she can punish the man harshly.

Now if you want offspring, you have to be ready to be her bvtch. That’s the way the powers that be want it.

 

[MatureDJ]

If you had been spinning enough plates, this would have been no big thing.

 

[indiff]

Others have given really good advice but if you have not, I’d suggest you give the No Contact thread a good read. Helped me out tons and it even tells you what your girl will do to impede your progress by breadcrumbing you.

 

[RickTheToad]

She started acting cold and distant sometime ago. I asked about it and she kept bringing up stuff about the past. One day she said I dont miss u anymore like I used to. Yesterday she started texting "Im sorry"

"About what?"

"I cant even say it"

"You replaced me already?"

"no"

"u wanna break up?"

"Yes. Im sorry"

Sorry dude. Whatever you do, don't contact her. She may contact you, and if you choose, you can engage; only for sex though. You need to downgrade her to sex plate only. She would need to earn her slot to be back in your life.

@EyeBRollin is a relationship and marriage dude; yet he's not been married yet. So, take his "marriage / LTR" advice with a grain of salt. Most of his other stuff is on point though. Nothing at all wrong with what he thinks, but it's not the be all and end all; neither is mine or anyone else's. They are just opinions; everyone has a right to them.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I don’t know when I became the relationship/ marriage dude. This situation for the OP is obvious;

It is not natural to be monogamous with a woman for that long without getting children (and her getting a ring) out of it. There’s really no other point in being with one woman for that long. Most guys fall into the complacency trap. She senses that the relationship is the only way he can get reliable sex and in exchange there is no mating progress. This isn’t much different than the countless threads about plates dumping guys after 4-5 months.

 

[Guy69JackBlue]

I don’t know when I became the relationship/ marriage dude. This situation for the OP is obvious;

It is not natural to be monogamous with a woman for that long without getting children (and her getting a ring) out of it. There’s really no other point in being with one woman for that long. Most guys fall into the complacency trap. She senses that the relationship is the only way he can get reliable sex and in exchange there is no mating progress. This isn’t much different than the countless threads about plates dumping guys after 4-5 months.

Another reason why hookers are "the great equalizer."

As much as people here want to claim otherwise, it's pretty unrealistic for a guy to think he can have an armada of supermodels at his disposal, especially after his early 20's.

 

[Barrister]

This is the area that flows between what is called RP aware and true RP guys.
Or mental masterbation verses laying the groundwork.
Once you truly understand female nature and psychology nothing( and i mean nothing) that comes from a woman will surprise you.
Sure there may be a chemical withdrawal but most of it is oneitis. Once you have been through this a few times I guy can understand how mental this really is.
Every situation is almost interchangeable.
A guy can avoid this by the 80/20 rule.
Never fully commit.
Once you commit the betaization begins.
You can disagree. I know what I understand to know be true. A guy can get to the next level. That level is understanding female psycology and what makes them tick and what they are capable of. Men in our culture have been conditioned. Refuse to listen and frankly are just dumb.
There are several of these situations around me now.
When a girl tells you I need space and or this isnt working anymore. They guy already fuked up. Say Ok and walk away. Its your only option at that point.

And marriage is no cure for any of this. Probably makes it worse. Leverage is lost. Disney love is a fairy tale. And I say that happily because I unplugged from the hoax.
Visit the married RP subreddit sometime and do some reading.

I think you and I agree on more in this than we disagree on. My only point was that as human beings when you lose a thing that you have grown accustomed to it is difficult in dealing with it being gone and it takes time to adjust.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

She started acting cold and distant sometime ago. I asked about it and she kept bringing up stuff about the past. One day she said I dont miss u anymore like I used to. Yesterday she started texting "Im sorry"

"About what?"

"I cant even say it"

"You replaced me already?"

"no"

"u wanna break up?"

"Yes. Im sorry"

Let me simplify this for you:

Does not matter why she broke up with you. Do not spend any mental capacity trying to figure it out. The bottom line is she doesn't want to be with you, keep your dignity and self-respect, walk away, and cut contact. She does not deserve your mental capacity when she doesn't respect you enough to talk in person and discuss the situation like a mature person.

Eventually, you will figure out how to improve on what could have gone wrong, but for now, that is irrelevant.

Last but not least, be patient. It will take time. But every day, it will feel easier and easier.

Modern Man Advice

 

[RickTheToad]

I don’t know when I became the relationship/ marriage dude. This situation for the OP is obvious;

It is not natural to be monogamous with a woman for that long without getting children (and her getting a ring) out of it. There’s really no other point in being with one woman for that long. Most guys fall into the complacency trap. She senses that the relationship is the only way he can get reliable sex and in exchange there is no mating progress. This isn’t much different than the countless threads about plates dumping guys after 4-5 months.

Says you.