Ltr breakup advice

Brassneck

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Been in a relationship for about 22 years, I feel we have become housemates. I’m done, I don’t want to try and salvage it.

Im just not happy. I’m convinced deep down she feels the same but it’s the security of the relationship that keeps her going along as in sharing financial bills etc. She still tells me she loves me but there is no way she really can. We get on as in don’t really ever argue but I don’t treat her like I love her, I’m not affectionate anymore haven’t been for a long time.

We have a daughter who’s 19 now, beginning to fly the nest, we aren’t married. I think she deserves better and I can’t give it to her.

I’m asking for Any advice from the older members on broaching the subject and telling her, how best to navigate it, I feel bad.
 

BaronOfHair

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Been in a relationship for about 22 years, I feel we have become housemates
Such a thing transpired, after you all spent 22 years living in the same home?!! We'll soon learn that The Sine Loa Cartel's top enforcers experience neither remorse nor disgust, whenever they haul a federale who refuses to be bought out of his home in the middle of the night, then force him to watch, as his wife and kids get shoved headfirst into barrels filled with battery acid, where they're disintegrated alive :eek: o_O

I suspect you already know what to do(Rip the band aid off... Say out loud to your unofficial wife "Honey, we had superb couple of decades together, and our union has now run it's course. I'm moving on... I urge you to do likewise"), and are really just seeking someone else to give you a Green Light... Understandable, as this("I didn't make that hard call myself.. I just heeded someone else's counsel!!!") always makes it easy for us to absolve ourselves of responsibility
 

Scaramouche

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Hi Brassneck,
I might not have tought so at your age,but I now see your greatest challenge is maintaining a healthy relationship with your Daughter,and given she will side with her Mother that's going to be very hard.
 

BackInTheGame78

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You just have to sit her down one day and let her know you are leaving. If you are looking for an easy way out there won't be one.

Sack up and do what you need to do. Then I would immediately call your daughter and let her know together about what is happening.

Hopefully she is not a vindictive person that tries to turn your daughter against you, but you'll never know until it actually happens.
 

Brassneck

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My daughter is never home these days, she has virtually moved out. She has so many of her own interests occupying her. At 19 I was thinking she would handle it far better than say if she was 12 etc. She will have seen this with some of her friends parents, and would kind of understand given she has witnessed the housemate type relationship her parents have been living for such a long time. Maybe I’m expecting too much of her, something to think about.

The other thing that has me feeling guilty is the extra financial pressure it will put my partner under, it’s going to be like from out of the blue. I was thinking about supporting financially for a time to try and make things easier, what do you think on that?

I have quite a bit of stuff to shift, thinking she will twig what I was up to when I finally tell her and thinks you were clearing knowing this was coming but didn’t say sooner. I don’t want to breakup and then have to going back to clear stuff.

Thanks for the feedback so far, appreciate it!
 

BackInTheGame78

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My daughter is never home these days, she has virtually moved out. She has so many of her own interests occupying her. At 19 I was thinking she would handle it far better than say if she was 12 etc. She will have seen this with some of her friends parents, and would kind of understand given she has witnessed the housemate type relationship her parents have been living for such a long time. Maybe I’m expecting too much of her, something to think about.

The other thing that has me feeling guilty is the extra financial pressure it will put my partner under, it’s going to be like from out of the blue. I was thinking about supporting financially for a time to try and make things easier, what do you think on that?

I have quite a bit of stuff to shift, thinking she will twig what I was up to when I finally tell her and thinks you were clearing knowing this was coming but didn’t say sooner. I don’t want to breakup and then have to going back to clear stuff.

Thanks for the feedback so far, appreciate it!
Kids are smart. Your daughter has already known what's going on for many years. Adults think they are good at hiding stuff like this, but the kids always know.

You are more likely to hear her ask "What's taken you so long?" versus being surprised
 

Brassneck

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Kids are smart. Your daughter has already known what's going on for many years. Adults think they are good at hiding stuff like this, but the kids always know.

You are more likely to hear her ask "What's taken you so long?" versus being surprised
That’s what I was thinking, I’m sure she will be upset though.

I think I’m going to get hammered about money from her mother, about how much she has to spend each month on living expenses and how is she going to cope. She has never been good with money, the more she earns the more she spends.

Here’s the thing, my father lives just up the road, he is in poor health due to a bad stroke he had over a decade ago, he’s 79 and living on his own. I’m an only child, I currently visit everyday to help him. I’m going to go stay with him, he owns the house and wont want anything from me regards rent.

I split bills with my partner, I pay the rent, so my outgoings are going to ease because I’m at my fathers and I think she will see this as unfair (may not verbally say it). What is your thoughts on this issue of her feeling the financial pressure more than me, this is my biggest worry. I’m not against helping her but I have to then think about timescales, I don’t want her becoming dependent on me long term, a breakup is breakup right?
Ps she isn’t involved in caring for my father, I do it by myself, it just didn’t go that way, she doesn’t really see him, not that she doesn’t care, it’s just how things are.
 

Bokanovsky

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We have a daughter who’s 19 now, beginning to fly the nest, we aren’t married. I think she deserves better and I can’t give it to her.
Yeah right. Do you seriously expect us to believe that you want to ditch her for some selfless, altruistic reason? Give me a break. You want to get rid of her because you no longer want her but you feel guilty about it. I say grow a pair and handle it like a man. Talk to her, tell her you want to end it and explain why.
 

Brassneck

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No it’s
Yeah right. Do you seriously expect us to believe that you want to ditch her for some selfless, altruistic reason? Give me a break. You want to get rid of her because you no longer want her but you feel guilty about it. I say grow a pair and handle it like a man. Talk to her, tell her you want to end it and explain why.
Oh no it’s entirely selfish reasons, Its called making space for someone new.
 

Bokanovsky

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No it’s

Oh no it’s entirely selfish reasons, Its called making space for someone new.
Then why do you say stuff like "she deserves better and I can’t give it to her" when that obviously has nothing to do with your decision?
 

BaronOfHair

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That’s what I was thinking, I’m sure she will be upset though.
And just like the rest of us, when she's experiencing distressing emotions, it's up to her to work through them. The rest of that stuff about your pops and your soon to be ex is just more superflousness, invoked to rationalize your stalling

The longer you put off doing the dirty job, the greater the pain will be, hoss. Hell, we haven't gotten into the very real possibility that your woman is not only having the exact same urges as yourself, but already crafting an exit strategy. In which case, she's way ahead of you, and it's imperative that you act promptly
 

Brassneck

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Then why do you say stuff like "she deserves better and I can’t give it to her" when that obviously has nothing to do with your decision?
Simply because I’m not present in the relationship and it’s not very loving. I don’t treat her well in that regard. That said make no mistake this all about me and what I want.

Now given she is the mother of my daughter if I can at least give her a paddle while leaving her up sh#t creek that’s only fair. So circling back round to the main issue of continuing to help with financial commitments for a time after. You see I have prior warning of what’s on the horizon so I can plan, she doesn't.

I figured maybe continuing to pay rent for 6 months.
 

BaronOfHair

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I figured maybe continuing to pay rent for 6 months.
Better yet: Foster financial independence, by helping set up an OnlyFans account. Drea De Matteo has proven that a chick not being a 20 year old who's built like a concrete bunker needn't prevent her from raking the dough on this front
 

Canadian_Man

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Sounds like you already know what you want to do.

As someone above said, you want to put it out there, get feedback, which will probably result in you going with the way you're already leaning.

Perhaps you're processing it all as well via the discussion.

Here's what it seems you want:
1) to end it, move out, live with your father for a while
2) to help her transition (financially) so that she's not in left in a hard place due to being caught by surprise & thus not having planned for it
 
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Brassneck

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Sounds like you already know what you want to do.

As someone above said, you want to put it out there, get feedback, which will probably result in you going with the way you're already leaning.

Perhaps you're processing it all as well via the discussion.

Here's what it seems you want:
1) to end it, move out, live with your father for a while
2) to help her transition (financially) so that she's not in left in a hard place due to being caught by surprise & thus not having planned for it
1 2 in a nutshell, nicely summarised.
 
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The longer you put off doing the dirty job, the greater the pain will be, hoss.
If I want to torture someone, I take off the bandaid very, very slowly, to prolong the agony of parting.
 

BaronOfHair

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If I want to torture someone, I take off the bandaid very, very slowly, to prolong the agony of parting.
For the sake your prey, I'm delighted and relieved to learn that you finally recognized the inhumanity of sawing off penile glans with a rusted out puuko, alongside tearing off ****orises with needle nosed pliers. And that you're demonstrated basic human charity, by sticking to them Band Aids :p:D
 
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rusted out puuko
My fifty-seven year old Puukko is in prime condition, not a speck of rust. Anyone who lets a Puukko rust is an imbecile.
Puukko knife.jpg

(mods, this is a Scandinavian pocket knife, not a weapon)
 

BaronOfHair

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My fifty-seven year old Puukko is in prime condition, not a speck of rust. Anyone who lets a Puukko rust is an imbecile
Definitely. More so than even a university student who leaves his favorite toy back at the dorm, and conscripts Commander Lightyear here


As a substitute :eek: o_O
 

Jor-El

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Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
 
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