LTR breakup-advice needed!

[Canadianpimpology]

This might be a little long, but I really need the help. Plus, tons of those posts in the DJ Bible are loads longer than this. So suck it up and get through it.

Ok, so here's the deal. I've been with my gf, Jax, for 18 months. It's been pretty good, but we'd been fighting a lot lately. But we always got through things. Anyways, Jax has some issues. She gets really jealous when it comes to me and other girls. One of my ex's and I, are pretty good friends. I went to see a play that my ex was in, but not b/c of my ex. My friend dragged me along. Anyway, Jax got upset b/c she thought I went to see my ex. Not true, but she didn't believe. I said whatever and life continued.

On Monday, we were back at school, and she's being pretty shady to me. She was upset about something and she didn't wanna tell me. And she wasn't acting right. So I told her, "Jax, stay away from me until you want to act like my girl." She left the are I was while I was saying that to her, and was obviously upset and mad. She came back to where I was a couple minutes after and tossed me back the ring that I gave her for our one year anny. I told her, if she ever took that ring off b/c she was upset at me, I would take that as she didn't want the committment of being with me. The ring incident and the fact that she was acting unacceptable made me confront her outside and tell her that "it was over." I really just wanted a break though.

That night, she just told me that we needed a break, and I told her I agree. She was really upset though, and bitched about how I lied to her and she didn't trust me, and how I had feeling for my ex. The next day, we didn't really talk at school, but this one girl started hitting on me and was putting her arm around me at school in front of Jax. I pushed the girl off me though (she's ugly) as soon as I knew what she was doing and I told her, "Don't do that." Still though, that got Jax really upset and she started to cry for the rest of the school day (from what I heard). Plus, when I talked to Jax about it, Jax said that she didn't see me at all taking the other girl's arm off. She failed to see that.

Lately, Jax has been calling me a lot. On Tuesday and Wednesday, she must have called about 10 times put together. I only talked to her two or three of those times though, and she just continues to yell, not believe me, etc. She's not ready to go back out with me, and she says that she doesn't know if we'll ever go back out with me. I am sure though that she loves me a lot and wants to go back out with me. She is just saying these things to protect herself. The thing is, everytime we talk now, I just end up feeling mistreated and hurt now. So I'm not talking to her. She says that maybe in a month we'll get back together, but she's not ready yet. She asked me last night if it's really over or not, because if it was really fully over, then it would be easier for her to get over.

Guys, I'm in love with Jax, and she's in love with me. You must understand that love doesn't go away overnight, nor can you just "NEXT!" someone you've been with for that long in high school just like that. I really would like to be with her, but I need some analysis from you guys of everything so far, and what things might you suggest. And yes, I've been talking/considering other girls. That's not the point of this post though. I just want replies to be focused on what I should do in my situation with Jax. Thanks a lot to everyone that replies. I'm in some real pain right now.

-Aaron-

 

[LikRetsam]

Communication is always the answer. Telling her off the way you did in the first place is WRONG. Since you love this chick so much, the correct answer was ' What's wrong?'. Now, there are obviously things bothering her that have NOTHING to do with your ex. This is just some sort of excuse to get you on the right thinking path to discover what the problem really is. Truth is, there is no clear path, only in her head is there one. You gotta point blank ask her what's really bothering her and that you really want to help her out with it. You're a team, and what affects one affects the other.

At the moment, when she needed you, you turned your back on her acting macho. Go talk to her.

 

[Canadianpimpology]

She disrespected me in front of my boys. And I did tell her that I wanted to make her feel better that day. She just told me that "I couldn't make her feel better."

 

[LikRetsam]

Yeah, deeper problem. Could be you, could be else. Find out, talk

 

[Canadianpimpology]

So would it be a better idea to let her call me (like she's been doing) or for me to call her. The times I have called her, it hasn't worked out too well. But then again, the times she called me, it hasn't either.

 

[AFK Protector]

Hey man. I have absolutely 0 experience with break-ups, but I have seen my friends go through it.

Lik is right. Talk it out and it'll be okay, cuz ignoring the other person is just going to leave you with ragged edges rather than a clean rip.

 

[LikRetsam]

Originally posted by Canadianpimpology
So would it be a better idea to let her call me (like she's been doing) or for me to call her. The times I have called her, it hasn't worked out too well. But then again, the times she called me, it hasn't either.

Forget calling her. Find her at school and go talk to her! Forget who's around, just tell her you wanna talk to her and settle it!

 

[Canadianpimpology]

Yeah, I know. I've tried that. And she just says, "I don't wanna talk with you," or something like that. She left me a message the other night saying how she'll talk to me after school because it's really hard to talk with me in person and if we do it would probably be worse.

I guess the problem is to have her open up to me and talk to me without yelling. I don't know if time will open her up eventually. The thing is, it's hard enough seeing her everyday just in the halls without acknowledging each other. And yeah, I have said hi a few times to her in the halls and at school, only to get COMPLETELY ignored.

 

[LikRetsam]

Something happened you brushed off as nothing but really marked her. This is called a misunderstanding and is the comon cause for the break of relationships. lol.

I'm so tired of that crap

 

[Canadianpimpology]

I called her up last night. There were two parts to the conversation basically. In the first part, she said how she didn't know if we were going to be together later, and it would take more than two or three weeks probably for her to recover. I told her that I missed her later on, and she started crying later in the conversation when I told her that I miss her whever I see couples around at school. She said she really misses me too. Then she said that she needed space, and that every day since we broke up I had called 3 times each day. It wasn't true and I told her that I was only calling once per day, only because my cell phone would say that I had 2 or 3 missed calls from her. We started to agree a little more and it was a little pleasant.

She told me this bullshit about her needing to find out who she really is...and it pretty much translated that she wanted to go out with other guys on a date. I told her that that was fine, and she remarked back that I said I would beat a guy's ass if he touched Jax at school too much in front of me. I said I wasn't really that serious, and I don't care really since we're on a break. She told me that two guys are trying to talk to her like that and get with her. One of the guys goes to my school and she says that he's ugly. The other guy goes to her work, and she's talked about him before to me. I told her that no matter what, I doubt that she'll find something as special as the bond between me and her, and she got upset, saying that I was putting words in her mou. I told her, "I'm not putting words in your mouth. My point that I'm making is that I doubt you'll really find what we have with each other with someone else so easily."

I then told Jax that this one girl asked me out and started talking to me, but I said that I wasn't going to go out with the new girl. In reality though, I had kind of been talking to her, but I told her that I wasn't going to go out with the new girl unless I knew that me and Jax weren't going together. After I mentioned the new girl, she got upset and cut off the conversation. It ended on a bad note, and said, "Go out with her...be your Canadian Pimp if that's who you are." From what I heard today, she really thinks that I am going out with that girl this weekend.

I don't think I should go out with this other girl until I am done with Jax. It's a hard pick...easy BJ or possibility of getting back a loved one?

 

[NRM]

You are not going to get her back and things aren't going to go back to the way they used to be.

You are in trouble if she tells you...

"I don't know if things are going to go back to the way they used to be."

and you take it as...

"I still love you and want to go back out with you."

That is your infactuation with her that forces you to block out the message. "The way things used to be" is something that you BOTH can control, IF you both want it. You obviously do. Her doubts are only followed by her beliefs. She only doubts it because she believes it. She has control of that.

I'll put this all aside for a second, even though this is so hard on you.

SHE ISN'T ACTING LIKE A GIRL WHO IS IN LOVE WITH YOU.

Protecting herself? From what. YOU? In a relationship, you are supposed to protect her from all those evil things out there. Now YOU are the thing she is afraid will hurt her. Sorry, but this isn't what love sounds like.

The true love, if it does exist, is the real understand between two people. These conflicts are meaningless. She doesn't want to work it out. She wants "time." Time to do what? She rather think on her own than talk to YOU, her loved one about it? Give it a break man, see through your mental lovey dovey bullshit and see the message she is TRYING to send here.

Just because she cries does not make anything true. She took off your ring, that took guts. LOTS OF IT. It was a big decision to make and she made it. What does that say? She knew the repercussions of it and did it anyways. If she gave you something that if you took off meant the end of the relationship, would you take it off for any other reason besides ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP?

And a note about girls who complain about guys. They don't hate it as much as they say they do, ugly or not. If they were so upset about it, they would tell them to go away, just as you would send someone away if they were annoying you. Pretend a guy was bugging you, would you continue to talk or just walk away? Figure it out.

My take on the situation? She wants to see her control on you. Reminding you about the time you said you would beat somebody's ass if he touched her at school (Reminder: NEVER SAY ANYTHING THAT STUPID. Imagine your girlfriend going crazy because some girl touched you. She should never be in a position for it to happen and that's it. If it does happen, it's a compliment, other guys are attracted to her, but she's with you, END STORY) is just a lame attempt to see how much you are still into her.

If you are going to take a break. FREAKING BREAK IT OFF. A half-ass break isn't going to do ANYONE any good. A break is taking time apart. All you are doing is contemplating the time you had together. NOT A BREAK.

Solution: Tell her that if she wants a break, then let's have a break. Tell her not to call you or talk to you. Tell her you won't be picking up her calls anymore, so don't call you. Let her know you can control yourself. Think about the kind of control she had to diss you with the ring in the beginning. Yes, that is control.

If she thinks she's better off without you in two weeks, then sorry my man, it is OVER. Now, the part after that is up to you, will you move on even though it is so hard, or bask in a broken relationship just like you are doing now.

It's a tough life people live, but just because it's tough doesn't mean that we don't have to live it. You either let go or get pulled down with it. Sorry about your relationship, but if there are any doubts in a relationship, you just shouldn't be in one. 18 months isn't as long as lifetime. Grow with the experience or die with it.

 

[LikRetsam]

Thanks to your phone conversation, I can relate to my life and help you out a bit better. Listen to what NRM says, he's got his stuff down. We are Don Juans. We are the best seducers of this world. We do not believe that we could possibly become uninterresting to a chick. I didn't believe it. Now I do. You can lose whatever interest people had in you.

Looking back, I was hit hard by prior break ups. But today? They are just humans. Mere humans.

 

[Canadianpimpology]

Originally posted by NRM
You are not going to get her back and things aren't going to go back to the way they used to be.

You are in trouble if she tells you...

"I don't know if things are going to go back to the way they used to be."

and you take it as...

"I still love you and want to go back out with you."

That is your infactuation with her that forces you to block out the message. "The way things used to be" is something that you BOTH can control, IF you both want it. You obviously do. Her doubts are only followed by her beliefs. She only doubts it because she believes it. She has control of that.

I'll put this all aside for a second, even though this is so hard on you.

SHE ISN'T ACTING LIKE A GIRL WHO IS IN LOVE WITH YOU.

Protecting herself? From what. YOU? In a relationship, you are supposed to protect her from all those evil things out there. Now YOU are the thing she is afraid will hurt her. Sorry, but this isn't what love sounds like.

The true love, if it does exist, is the real understand between two people. These conflicts are meaningless. She doesn't want to work it out. She wants "time." Time to do what? She rather think on her own than talk to YOU, her loved one about it? Give it a break man, see through your mental lovey dovey bullshit and see the message she is TRYING to send here.

Just because she cries does not make anything true. She took off your ring, that took guts. LOTS OF IT. It was a big decision to make and she made it. What does that say? She knew the repercussions of it and did it anyways. If she gave you something that if you took off meant the end of the relationship, would you take it off for any other reason besides ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP?

And a note about girls who complain about guys. They don't hate it as much as they say they do, ugly or not. If they were so upset about it, they would tell them to go away, just as you would send someone away if they were annoying you. Pretend a guy was bugging you, would you continue to talk or just walk away? Figure it out.

My take on the situation? She wants to see her control on you. Reminding you about the time you said you would beat somebody's ass if he touched her at school (Reminder: NEVER SAY ANYTHING THAT STUPID. Imagine your girlfriend going crazy because some girl touched you. She should never be in a position for it to happen and that's it. If it does happen, it's a compliment, other guys are attracted to her, but she's with you, END STORY) is just a lame attempt to see how much you are still into her.

If you are going to take a break. FREAKING BREAK IT OFF. A half-ass break isn't going to do ANYONE any good. A break is taking time apart. All you are doing is contemplating the time you had together. NOT A BREAK.

Solution: Tell her that if she wants a break, then let's have a break. Tell her not to call you or talk to you. Tell her you won't be picking up her calls anymore, so don't call you. Let her know you can control yourself. Think about the kind of control she had to diss you with the ring in the beginning. Yes, that is control.

If she thinks she's better off without you in two weeks, then sorry my man, it is OVER. Now, the part after that is up to you, will you move on even though it is so hard, or bask in a broken relationship just like you are doing now.

It's a tough life people live, but just because it's tough doesn't mean that we don't have to live it. You either let go or get pulled down with it. Sorry about your relationship, but if there are any doubts in a relationship, you just shouldn't be in one. 18 months isn't as long as lifetime. Grow with the experience or die with it.

You're right. It truly is HER loss if she doesn't take the opportunity she has now. All the girls are telling me at school that I can do better (they're speaking personality wise...looks wise, my ex is gorgeous).

 

[JSH]

Canadianpimpology, please do me a favour, reread your posts and see exactly what you have written.

I agree with NRMs analysis. Although were it me i would have told you to stuff your analysis and just see what happens. There are too many factors to analyse this rubbish.

It seems to be quite a childish way of having a relationship, from what i can remember in your posts- so it might be a bit paraphrased

"she disrespected me in front of my boys", "she wasnt acting right, so i told her, Jax go away until you start acting like my girl". Sure these are things i would act like/say to wind up chicks about me being sexist (cos they love that rubbish) but truthfully that sounds like she was just an object/status symbol to you. Like a lot of high school relationships.

My view got further cemented by the rubbish about you telling her you would beat any other guy that laid a finger on her in front of you. Man, that sounds so insecure, but also if i was a guy at your school and i heard that, id provoke you so much and then beat you-just for amusement (well when i was in a foul mood). You are giving people weapons to use against you if you say that kind of thing. Then there was also this "we are finished" when you really want a break (as Lik said, communication is the key, for god's sake actually tell her what you want to say, not what sounds more dramatic). In addition, you both tellign each other about your options with other people ( i always consider telling them this, but only tell them if it will actually affect them, again u were using it like a weapon).

This sounds like an excerpt from an American teenage soap like Dawson's Creek or the O.C. It sounds like high drama (pretty much most high school relationships) and i get these two conflicting feelings from you. One that you take this so seriously but the other that on one level it is just so petty to you.

If she is your ex now, try not to think about her. She wants drama (hence the breaking up, but still phoning 10 times ). You will have more power if you get over her, move on (even if you feel like a hollow shell). I observe people and I love the relationships where they constantly argue, break up, then get back together, i have yet to see one last. In fact its rare for a relationship which has had serious falllouts to actually successfully get back together. You both feel like you need it as it has been a stabilising part of your life for so long, but now you are liberated.