LTR Attraction Rekindle Advice

[KontrollerX]

Her best friend has made it clear she'd fvk my brains out if i was single again

And there is your answer.

And there also is your exit strategy.

If you are the type that needs to be in a relationship and needs to have a girlfriend branch swing on over to her best friend and when you sense the branch is secure and isn't going anywhere ditch your current headache a.k.a girlfriend.

"she didn't just develop those bad traits. She just is no longer able to repress them."

I agree with this too.

Good post as usual PE.

Very zen like as always!

 

[Colossus]

Your girl is doing what I have witnessed many, many other girls do in LTRs with my friends and others--slowly but surely seeping into every nook and crevice of your life. This happens in almost every LTR I have ever seen. Once significant comfort has set in, they start tightening the clamps on various aspects of your relationship. I.e.- telling you what you can and cant do, 'nesting' in your home, throwing out loaded statements like "im going to hang out with my guy bff, so there!" just to see how you react.

She is henpecking you, and even if you say NO she will probably just keep pushing the envelope until it drives you mad.

I dont really know what the cause of this is. I do know that it would annoy the bejeezus out of me, and it would probably get to the point where I would just end the relationship. Now I'm all for guys owning up to their own sh!t in a relationship, but it sounds to me like you havent changed all that much, it is her who is tightening the clamps and picking away at you, probably because of some unmet need(s) or insecurity that you (nor anyone) could ever fill.

You could wait it out for a while, but I would go with Jophil's advice and have an old-fashioned sit-down with her.

IMO these behaviors she is displaying were inevitably going to come out and it's a sign you should consider nexting and moving on.

 

[slickaz]

Kontroller X : Hehehehe, if she starts to push my buttons and that has an effect on my money, then she's out of my life. No questions. I will drop her and move, maybe do her friend just to be an a55hole.

You could wait it out for a while, but I would go with Jophil's advice and have an old-fashioned sit-down with her.

band aid solution though,correct?
I havent had a sit down with her yet, but i think i will the next time i see her. She's been punished for running her mouth too much to me last night. I wont see her for a week.

I will be flying out tonight with a female (hb8) colleague of mine to Geneva for work for 4 days. When I return ill wait a further 3 days, during which time I will be focussingg on a new business venture that one of my boys is setting up.
Then i will call her to see how she is. She has been told that her sudden outbursts of dramatic antics is not acceptable with me and she now knows that i can turn the attention tap off as quickly as she can run her mouth. Last night was a drama i dont want to get into but i basically asked her to leave because i had work to do and need time away from the drama she is injecting into my already packed lifestyle. She has tried calling and texting me I have not answered. she rung me at work this morning asking if im breaking up with her. I said no i just need time away and need to focus on some other very important things.

IMO these behaviors she is displaying were inevitably going to come out and it's a sign you should consider nexting and moving on.

she didn't just develop those bad traits. She just is no longer able to repress them.

These two sound very similar to me.
Do you think this will continue from her? Is it going to be a pattern? because if it is, then i think ill put her in the "Never any chance of a future together" pile.

 

[Jitterbug]

Just curious, how long have you been in a relationship with this chick? 3 months, I'm guessing?

 

[slickaz]

since january.
Ive known her for a very long time.

But started dating since early jan.

 

[Jitterbug]

So, 3 months. Jan-Apr.

It's been said here by the oldies and observed from my personal experience that 3 months tend to be the mark where the mask comes off her pretty face and the bad behaviours can no longer be suppressed.

Which is why I'd never be exclusive until after at least 3 months of dating. I'd even put in an extra month or two just to be sure. Even then it's not a guarantee (as from my most recent LTR) but it's good enough for most cases.

Ive known her for a very long time.

It matters little though. When the relationship changes to dating instead of just being acquaintances or friends, the dynamics involved are vastly different. You don't really "know" a woman at all by just being friends or acquaintances. You know her much more when dating her.

 

[slickaz]

thanks man,
Yeh ive also been told/personal experience that three months and then 1.5 yrs through is when dynamics do an obama.
but yeh we'll see

 

[Phyzzle]

I agree with colossus and some of the others that this isn't a case of falling attraction, it's a case of her being passive-aggressive and having an attitude that's a bit too controlling for you.

Hell, I don't think any of the things she's saying would bother me, except for bringing up other guys. And she's only bringing up other guys out of spite over the fact that you're hanging with your ex-flings. I would guess that she's a touch possessive over the former girls there, but doesn't know how to say it eloquently, so she just snips at you.

And trying to tell you how to dress, decorate, and eat isn't a sign of falling interest. It can be a good thing, really. But if she's giving you attitude instead of just suggestions, that can get annoying fast. You'll have to talk to her about all that when you come back.

 

[Interceptor]

Speeddawg you wrote:

It's ok to get the view from the female perspective, but holy sh1t you are acting clueless.

I disagree.


I strongly believe that Lovely Lady is on the right track in figuring out what is going on in this woman's mind.
Many intelligent, and introspective women (who have spent considerable time in self examination to improve and understand male/female dynamics, relationships, and attraction like LL has) often have a fuller spectrum of insight on what goes on in a woman's mind, when she's doing what she's doing.

While men have part of the puzzle, women also posses part of it too.

To completely discount and actually mock a woman's heartfelt (which is a gift to us,as men) advice , perspective, and her desire to want to collect more data to make a better assessment of the situation, especially from a woman who genuinely wants to help, and has the actual ability TO Help another is foolhardy and not classy behavior at all.

I dont disagree with someone expressing one's Opinion on another's reply or method of advice, or perspective. Im not for censorship.
I do agree in calling out poor judgement , distorted observations, and perceptions, and behavior in both male and female, and not applying a double standard. Women are not perfect, and dont know everything. And neither are men.
No double standard is necessary. Women are not exempt from being replied to if someone disagrees with their point of view.
I do agree that it is way more helpful to be respectful of all advice, perspectives and insight offered, especially when it is meant to HELP and ADVISE someone in need.



In this case, I would advocate paying close attention to LL's intuition and insight,and respect her efforts at trying to piece together something from the OP's personal perspective.
IMO it would seriously benefit a man to pay attention to LL's insight if he were to truly love his partner, and want to restore harmony to his relationship.

 

[slickaz]

well ive answered all her queries and havent gotten a reply from LL,
I tried sending a PM to ask her to view my answer but PMs are blocked



so ill give it time and take advice that is provided.

 

[Tazman]

In this case, I would advocate paying close attention to LL's intuition and insight,and respect her efforts at trying to piece together something from the OP's personal perspective.
IMO it would seriously benefit a man to pay attention to LL's insight if he were to truly love his partner, and want to restore harmony to his relationship.

The problem with this is, even if "intentions" are good it doesn't make the advice any more valid. Women just don't give good advice to men, it has never served me well to listen to the ramblings of women about how men ought to treat them. Any and all of the "insight" I've seen from the women on this site doesn't offer anything unique or different from what's already been said countless times before, it usually comes off as common sense, if it's even correct.

Paying close attention to the intuition and insight of women will only bring you closer to "their" world, a place you want to stay far far away from. Women are just as calculated and strategic as we are and if you allow them to behave badly to get what they want, it sets a precedence for how much you become a doormat.

 

[Interceptor]

well ive answered all her queries and havent gotten a reply from LL,
I tried sending a PM to ask her to view my answer but PMs are blocked



so ill give it time and take advice that is provided.

Slick, I recently spoke to her about this, she hasnt blocked her PM ability.
I do know that she has kept up to date with your situation however.
My understanding is she sincerely wants to help out.

Good luck with this. I hope you resolve this for the best.

 

[Interceptor]

The problem with this is, even if "intentions" are good it doesn't make the advice any more valid. Women just don't give good advice to men, it has never served me well to listen to the ramblings of women about how men ought to treat them. Any and all of the "insight" I've seen from the women on this site doesn't offer anything unique or different from what's already been said countless times before, it usually comes off as common sense, if it's even correct.

Paying close attention to the intuition and insight of women will only bring you closer to "their" world, a place you want to stay far far away from. Women are just as calculated and strategic as we are and if you allow them to behave badly to get what they want, it sets a precedence for how much you become a doormat.

Understood, Taz.
We just see things very very differently, my friend.

Good luck to you.

 

[Mr. Me]

Let me tell you something about womens' "insights" about men: first, this is ONE woman's interpretation, it may not speak for the female population in general and she hasn't (I assume) dated dozens and dozens of women nor been in LTRs with any. which would deprive her of first hand experiences from which she could have gleaned her insight. And women do act differently with other women then they do with their boyfriends and dates, for haven't you ever explained to a female friend the shenanigans some girls have pulled on you, only to find that your female friend is left just as baffled and just as confused as you by their behavior? So much for female insight. Not to say there aren't women who are knowledgeable enough or perceptive, and LL may be, but don't assume that because the professed insight happens to come from a woman that's it's dead on.

 

[Interceptor]

Understood, Mr. Me.
I believe that I made it clear that LL has valueable insight, but it's not necessarily perfect nor 'dead on' simply because she's a woman.
I often see much resentment towards women here, and I feel it is misplaced in this particular situation, Mr. Me.
(I think it is important to extend courtesy to people who make a sincere effort to help, be it man or woman. I also wanted to mentioned that if say, my friend Victory Unlimited offered good advice, but got an inappropriately rude response, I would have also spoken up for him. )

However, I extend her the courtesy to listen to her advice, and try to see what she is trying to get from reading the situation.

My view is "what is she getting at here? What is she seeing that we may not be seeing?"

No, Women don't have a 'free pass',nor any special priviledges ( I really don't like any double standards that have been shoved down our throats for many years) nor do they, as I believe I mentioned in my reply, have a monopoly on the truth, but in the case of LL I firmly believe she should be heard out. I believe that while even she would be the first to say she doesnt have the perspective of every single woman out there, she isnt trying to, she is trying to address this particular scenario, and this particular woman.

I also advocate that just because a woman is trying to give insight and advice, this doesnt automatically disqualify her from gving it.
And just because a Man may have a hunch or a belief about a woman's behavior, doesnt make his assumption 100% correct either.
We all have a choice on whom we listen to and heed advice from, Mr. Me.

No one has a monopoly on the truth.

(and we should be very aware of those who try to shove their 'truths' down our throat too)

And as grown, mature men, having these preconceived notions that women are Incapable of giving good advice, and female perspective is always inferior and unreliable doesnt do any of us any good.

(I think we should be careful of how we use the words like 'always' and 'never', but thats me)


And as grown, mature men, who are all on the path to Self Realizaton, we also acknowledge obviously that the 'symp' perspective is most definitely not one to adhere to, but our sense of camaraderie and wanting to help each other out, male or female, developing our Masculinity to a higher degree, and growth and expertise (not just experience) is of more importance than petty jabs at each other.

I hope we can all truly learn a lesson here, and rise above this and become stronger, better Men. Not just for women, but for ourselves as well...

Good luck to you too, Mr. Me.