LTR Attraction Rekindle Advice

[slickaz]

Hey guys,
i think me and my LTR are starting to fall apart.
There is alot more arguments.
and she is starting to display characteristics that ive never seen in her before.

Like she is developing:
1. she is starting to test the waters with being demanding - i shoot her down, like is this is how you are, you remember what i did to the last chic that got demanding on me ryt? that fixes her, but dunno how long that will last.

2. She is starting to throw drama my way more - like she'll stay stuff that is intended to hurt me, like she'll say, 'Fine im upset! i need to go have me time, ill probably go hang out with my best friends Jason..' to which i say 'yeh sweet, just dont come back for like 2 weeks, coz ill be busy with my "best friend" Carolina..bye!" that shuts her up

3. She is testing Control - We'll go grocery shopping or stuff for my new apartment, and she'd say, i wanna get everything in PINK for you're apartment, and lotsa picture frames of ME. and im like umm NO..she tries to, but i say something like "I have the dollars in my pocket, n im not buying that"

4. She is testing the concept of other guys - she'll say smtn like "It doesnt matter wether you like that guy or not coz he was always my friend.." so i usually say "so now you know what it feels like when you complain about my friends who are chix right?"

Ive decided to just not contact her for a couple of days, she usually calls me when i havent rung her for a while.

she'll call me and talk to me like im a friend, like no emotions, so i give it back to her and ill usually get sick of it 5 minutes through and say i gotta go. At which point she'll say "Baby....i love you..im sorry im being moody"
i just overlook this stuff coz women! right?

but whats going on?
can someone tell me what is going on and what i can do to fix this?
should i just up and leave?

I do care for her, and i do trust her i know she's a good chic,
The above is not to say that she is ALWAYS like this. its only 10% of the time that we are together. I hardly see her (maybe once or twice a week)
when i do see her, we have alot of fun! she is good in bed, cleans up and cooks.
She is overall a good woman to be with, but im trying to kill these new traits she has picked up.

I have made myself less available, i dont call her or text her as much, maybe once every 2 days. unless its an emergency.

Is it time to drop this one? or is it worth saving?

 

[Ambition Now]

By my experience these kinds of behaviours are unfixable.

This shows a drop on her interest level, best thing you can do is to not be so available and try to keep some distance from her, after some time maybe things will be like they used to or maybe not, if not, its time to move on...

 

[samspade]

It sounds like its run its course. A girl who has high IL wouldn't push your buttons like this.

I think you should adjust how you react to these things, however. You are responding in kind, almost trying to one-up her. That shouldn't be necessary. You're just getting roped into a sh*t storm when you do that. Stand your ground but don't make the same silly threats that she makes.

 

[slickaz]

thanks guys..
anymore advice?

the big hitters here must have smtn to say to this..

is it salvageable? or should i just stage left?

I would like to save it, but no big deal if i HAVE to let it go.

also, if i shouldnt be reacting in kind, what should i be doing? letting it slide?
then will she not do it more? seeing me as weak?
I dont want her to think that im lost for choice, She knows theres girls out hitting me up every night. Her best friend has made it clear she'd fvk my brains out if i was single again

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Withdraw yourself and go do fun exciting stuff, she's sticking her toes in the waters of Emotional Divorce.

 

[samspade]

also, if i shouldnt be reacting in kind, what should i be doing? letting it slide?
then will she not do it more? seeing me as weak?
I dont want her to think that im lost for choice, She knows theres girls out hitting me up every night. Her best friend has made it clear she'd fvk my brains out if i was single again

I'm not saying you should tolerate her b.s. But your responses are of the "Oh yeah? Well I'll do that too!" variety. You need to be more zen. She wants to hang out with her lap dog friend Jason? Tell her, fine, then go hang out with Jason. I'll go dollars to donuts that Jason is not a threat to you. I used to tell my parents I was going to run away from home. You know what they said to me? "Good luck out there. Do you want me to pack you a lunch?" Sure enough, I never got farther than the end of the driveway.

And it doesn't matter much that she knows you can get tail elsewhere if she doesn't respect you enough to treat you right. Overall, I'd say she's engaging in proactive jealousy because she's fishing around herself. In any case, if she's only doing this 10% of the time, maybe you do need to put some distance between the two of you and see if that evens things out.

 

[darkstarrr]

Pimp yourself out like Pimp My Ride.


You know that feeling 4-5 months after a bad breakup where you are really getting over it and pimping yourself out to meet the new babes?

Increase calorie intake, gym 3-4 times a week (throw squats and/or deadlifts into your routine even if it is light weight - so you have more punch from your hips), go tanning a couple times but don't tell anyone. Let them wonder wow he looks kind of golden like the sunshine. Start wearing a nice colgone but not too much! Curve or the standard Abercrombie should do the trick. Start putting a little cocoa butter on the end of your wang after your shower. When she discovers your thing tastes vaguely like candy it will really open her mind up to a new perception of you. Not too much! A little goes a long way..

Drink more water. Take a mens multi with argenine and l-tyrosine I think it's called. Pop 1/4 sighalises on Saturday/Sunday if you are so inclined. Get a haircut, clean your place and your car. Start singing in the car. Make mix cds for yourself if there is nothing good on the radio. Make sure you get in 8 hours of sleep!

Dress differently. Be more social in your life when you are normally not around her. Be smiling more when you are around her. Treat this like you did when you first met when you were on the ball and on your game. But don't play games. Turn up the heat in the bedroom start popping plugs in her a$$ if you have to. Have a warm bath ready for her when she comes over next then escort her straight to your bed and suck on every square inch of her body including her toes. Then let her initiate the calls the next couple of days and don't just act but be calm, cool, and collected like the man you are. But don't play games. You are happy to hear from her. Why haven't you called? You were tied up with x, y, or z but were planning a suprise for the 2 of you this weekend. Confuse the heck out of her (a little bit). Keep her on her toes. Be more random and less predicatable. Make out with her more. Don't think just do it.

Just do whatever it is that she would do that would throw you for a loop, but in a manly way. I had an ex do that to me once. Started dressing all nice and taking care of her looks more, acting more sexy. This was 10 years ago. I learned a thing or two from her and so can we here in this thread.

2 things will most likely then happen naturally:

1. Your increased magnetism will most likley draw her (and other women) nearer.
and/or
2. By default regardless of what happens next you will have a firmer footing and feel more in control of yourself and your life.

When she starts "acting differently" as you describe do not start acting differently too. She is subconciously testing you as a man. Hold your ground. Be consistent. Where other man would wimper with her new behavior, you become stronger. Don't let her get under your skin. Be willing to walk away. Those are the ones they always end up thinking about and/or coming back to later.

Bottom line is you need to cover your a$$ so that no matter what happens - in 1 week, or 3 months from now you are a better man.

/ramble

Good luck!

 

[The Logical Player]

i told ya earlier, dont have A girlfriend, this is what happens

you need to be dating multiple women at all times, no exceptions

 

[Ballie]

I agree with darkstarrr. I am in a relationship now and have learned not to be boring as I was when I was married.

Women operate on emotions - they want to do stuff with you when they are with you. I only see my GF on weekends, but then I make sure that we have a good time - doesn't mean it has to be expensive. Trying out new s*x positions makes them remember you and they will look forward to see you again because no one has ever done it like that to them before.

The best advice I read was to keep on doing what attracted her to you in the first place.

 

[decades]

she didn't just develop those bad traits. She just is no longer able to repress them.

 

[LovelyLady]

1. she is starting to test the waters with being demanding - i shoot her down, like is this is how you are, you remember what i did to the last chic that got demanding on me ryt? that fixes her, but dunno how long that will last.

Please give specifics of how she is demanding/what is she demanding? (The nature of the demands will reveal what is going on inside her.)

2. She is starting to throw drama my way more - like she'll stay stuff that is intended to hurt me, like she'll say, 'Fine im upset! i need to go have me time, ill probably go hang out with my best friends Jason..' to which i say 'yeh sweet, just dont come back for like 2 weeks, coz ill be busy with my "best friend" Carolina..bye!" that shuts her up

These things are not said in a vacuum - what is the context of your conversations when she says this - she is responding to something you have said or done - what is it?

3. She is testing Control - We'll go grocery shopping or stuff for my new apartment, and she'd say, i wanna get everything in PINK for you're apartment, and lotsa picture frames of ME. and im like umm NO..she tries to, but i say something like "I have the dollars in my pocket, n im not buying that"

It sounds like she is actually just trying to feel out if you will make room in your life for her - your apartment represents a physical manifestation of your life - the HOME. Do you see her in it? Can she see her self there? I don't mean sexing, cooking, cleaning - I mean being. Does she feel safe, secure, cared for and protected by you there? Does she feel like she belongs in your world?
It seems like you hear these comments as about how you should spend your money and control the environment - but when she brings up "pink" she is actually wondering if her feminity has a place in your space - or if she needs to keep looking for the man who will want and provide a space for what she has to offer. It is definitely a need that is not being met and she is letting you know.

4. She is testing the concept of other guys - she'll say smtn like "It doesnt matter wether you like that guy or not coz he was always my friend.." so i usually say "so now you know what it feels like when you complain about my friends who are chix right?"

"testing the concept of other guys" is what you get from "he was always my friend"... Would you please share more about the context of this dynamic? From her statement it sounds like you are asking her to give up friendships?

we have alot of fun! she is good in bed, cleans up and cooks.

This statement is worthy of reflection, IMO.

 

[jophil28]

I dont want her to think that im lost for choice, She knows theres girls out hitting me up every night. Her best friend has made it clear she'd fvk my brains out if i was single again

And that is why having "options" is a pretty weak tool in the toolbox. Just because she knows that there are other women who would step up in her place guarantees you very little . IF a woman's IL has dropped or is on the way down, all the other hot babes wanting you will not rev her up again.
WHY? Because she has lost interest in you as man.

However, she may not be losing interest, and perhaps she is trying to get you to react to these petty provocations as a signal of your IL? Who knows.
THat said, you do need to evaluate and test her interest level to decide what YOU are going to do with her.
THis is what I would try..

Take her to your favorite coffee shop and when you are both settled in say," I get the powerful impression that you unhappy in our relationship, your behavior lately says so. I realized a while back that I cannot be the man that you want anymore so I suggest that we just be FRIENDS without any other expectations." Then just shut up ,watch and listen.

 

[speed dawg]

Please give specifics of how she is demanding/what is she demanding? (The nature of the demands will reveal what is going on inside her.)



These things are not said in a vacuum - what is the context of your conversations when she says this - she is responding to something you have said or done - what is it?



It sounds like she is actually just trying to feel out if you will make room in your life for her - your apartment represents a physical manifestation of your life - the HOME. Do you see her in it? Can she see her self there? I don't mean sexing, cooking, cleaning - I mean being. Does she feel safe, secure, cared for and protected by you there? Does she feel like she belongs in your world?
It seems like you hear these comments as about how you should spend your money and control the environment - but when she brings up "pink" she is actually wondering if her feminity has a place in your space - or if she needs to keep looking for the man who will want and provide a space for what she has to offer. It is definitely a need that is not being met and she is letting you know.



"testing the concept of other guys" is what you get from "he was always my friend"... Would you please share more about the context of this dynamic? From her statement it sounds like you are asking her to give up friendships?



This statement is worthy of reflection, IMO.

It's ok to get the view from the female perspective, but holy sh1t you are acting clueless. It's very very clear that this chick is getting restless in the relationship, whether it be boredom, the OP going AFC on her, or maybe just interest in another guy. But she's doing it due to a drop in her Interest Level.

I say do what Darkstarr said. Not to the extent he said, but close. I wouldn't do anything for her. I'd just start improving myself and let her come along for the ride if she wants to.

 

[slickaz]

I get alot of mixed signals from her.

Like 2 or 3 days that we hang out, she'll be happy and its all flowers and garden of eden with the romantics.

but every now and then, right from get go of our time together the vibe will be bad. She would arrive angry or with something bothering her mind, and that has a direct effect on our interaction.

So we end up talking but with no emotional connection, it would feel no different if i was talking to a friend. Then at the end of it, when i get sick of it and express my intent to call it a day, she would come out and apologize for the attitude and then she'd tell me the whole story. Usually there IS something real behind it. Most times, its her work colleagues, her girlfriend or her mother giving her a hard time.


I deal with it by hearing her out and at the end I tell her, now that she's spilt everything on her mind, we should go out and do something fun that would get her back in a happy mood because I dont want to spend my time with her when her mind is clouded. So then we usually go do something active like ice skating or golf range, go karts etc.

That usually gets her laughing then she's back to normal.

But someday's when she is really mad, she says things that she know will affect me. That is something i really DO NOT want to get used to.
for example: say she's having a bad day at work, she would explain what her problem is and end it with "...what im going through is none of you're problem right? ill sort it out myself coz it doesnt affect you!"

or
She'd say something like "..... I wish my best friend Jason was here, i miss him coz i dont have anyone to talk to..."

Like i ask myself, wtf is that supposed to mean?

but i dont show it, i usually just say "..Yeh you should really call him.."

and that line sometimes has a positive effect on the conversation, sometimes negative.

How do you respond to that kind of attitude?

Also again, please note, this kind of attitude or moodiness only occurs say once a month or max twice. Usually the rest of it is smooth sailing and I do get alot of good IOI from her in all our other interactions.

She still talks to her friends about me, talking highly and showing off how she is so happy with me.
She'll take me out for dinner and tell me how much she loves spending time and wishes i could give her more time, and she wonders why i dont spend more time with her, seeing as we have so much fun together

"...

background: Her best friend "Jason" used to live here apparently and has now moved to another country and rings her once a month to say hi and how things are. it does not bother me, he has a girlfriend apparently and I just dont want to let that stuff affect me.

 

[Mr. Me]

i just overlook this stuff coz women! right?

No, never overlook. Always be observant. Don't minimize a woman's actions.

she is starting to test the waters with being demanding - i shoot her down, like is this is how you are, you remember what i did to the last chic that got demanding on me ryt? that fixes her, but dunno how long that will last.

When she demands something, rather then threatening the relationship, stop her with: "Hmmm. I'll think about it." Then never do it.

She is starting to throw drama my way more - like she'll stay stuff that is intended to hurt me, like she'll say, 'Fine im upset! i need to go have me time, ill probably go hang out with my best friends Jason..'

How does she know that mentioning Jason hurts you? Probably by your retaliatory answer. Take that type of answer out of the equation and give a neutral answer instead.

I don't like that she then states she wants "me time". Does she start the arguments? Some people start arguments on purpose in order to be able to walk out and then go do stuff they want to do that's outside of the relationship, so technically, if she's doing that, this could also be a flag that she's getting involved/is involved with someone else. I'm not saying it's definitely so, just noting it's a sign.

She is testing Control - We'll go grocery shopping or stuff for my new apartment, and she'd say, i wanna get everything in PINK for you're apartment, and lotsa picture frames of ME

No, that's her nesting instinct. They move in slowly and take over. First they leave a toothbrush. Then some clothes. Then they're telling you that your bedroom needs a makeover.

She is testing the concept of other guys - she'll say smtn like "It doesnt matter wether you like that guy or not coz he was always my friend

So you're indicating that you don't like the guy? Be neutral about him, on the outside, to her. It's okay if you don't like him deep down inside. Just don't let her know that.

The bigger issue is that she doesn't CARE if it upsets you. The right woman would be willing, of her own accord, to minimize her friendships with males if she's in a relationship so as not to hurt her relationship. She'd keep friends, but wouldn't put herself in situations. She also wouldn't jeer at you. I know others here have different views about this, but let me tell you, my ex-wife would tell me how she knew this guy for years. Much, much longer then she knew me for. And that he was only a friend. And that he lived far away.

But that's the guy she eventually had an affair with.

So women placing their male friends over and above you, their primary partner, well, that's like a tell-tale bump that could become malignant, and it doesn't matter what any guy's personal views about that are.

she'll call me and talk to me like im a friend, like no emotions, so i give it back to her and ill usually get sick of it 5 minutes through and say i gotta go. At which point she'll say "Baby....i love you..im sorry im being moody"

That's the pattern. She knows how it goes and to say, "Baby....i love you..im sorry im being moody" and that all gets forgiven and back to relative normalcy. Well, you have to break that pattern.

she says things that she know will affect me. That is something i really DO NOT want to get used to.
for example: say she's having a bad day at work, she would explain what her problem is and end it with "...what im going through is none of you're problem right? ill sort it out myself coz it doesnt affect you!"

Hey, that's a good thing for her to say! Don't knock that, if you're getting to work out her own problems. But in a *relationship*, we're supposed to be there, be supportive of one another, so being empathic and listening to her vent is part of the assignment. Give her 15 minutes. Don't say anything, just fully attentive, listen and nod. Once in a while say, "uh huh" and "Wow, that sucks". Don't try to solve any problems. End with "So, what are you gonna do about it?" and she'll figure it out herself - while thinking you're absolutely amazing and wonderful for "being there for her". Try it! This really works. I posted this advice once before and got somewhat blasted for it, as if it makes a guy look like he's wussy - but it's not. It's about you being the ROCK and making her FEEL she's understood and validated. Get it?

She still talks to her friends about me, talking highly and showing off how she is so happy with me.
She'll take me out for dinner and tell me how much she loves spending time and wishes i could give her more time, and she wonders why i dont spend more time with her, seeing as we have so much fun together

Perfect! That's EXACTLY where you want her to be: Wanting more. Never really let her have it all, then there'd be nothing for her to want from you. Part of why she has so much fun with you is because she doesn't have overload of you and gets to miss you. More, is not necessarily a good thing.

Her best friend "Jason" used to live here apparently and has now moved to another country and rings her once a month to say hi and how things are. it does not bother me, he has a girlfriend apparently

Just keep that in your radar.

 

[CptnFantastic]

She has to have respect and admiration for you. If you've settled into a routine, that's not good. You always have to keep a woman on her toes, and never let her get too comfortable.

 

[LovelyLady]

It's ok to get the view from the female perspective, but holy sh1t you are acting clueless. It's very very clear that this chick is getting restless in the relationship, whether it be boredom, the OP going AFC on her, or maybe just interest in another guy. But she's doing it due to a drop in her Interest Level.

I have a tendency to want to the "why" of a situation. I believe that by simply addressing a drop in her interest (a symptom) rather than addressing the "why" (the cause of the "illness", if you will) it is a waste of resources/energy.

I think to only address the symptoms is an ineffective overall strategy, as ultimately the genuine needs of the relationship will not be met (for both of them).

 

[Interceptor]

speedawg you wrote:

It's ok to get the view from the female perspective, but holy sh1t you are acting clueless

Are you addressing Slickaz or Lovely Lady???
Thanks.

 

[piranha45]

its pretty evident he is addressing lovely lady, he even uses OP in the same paragraph.

 

[slickaz]

Please give specifics of how she is demanding/what is she demanding? (The nature of the demands will reveal what is going on inside her.)

So she might be in a bad mood, due to something from work, or her folks or her friends, she would channel that negative mood into the time we spend. Mostly its about asking for more time with me, or asking me to put aside stuff that i always do (gym, basketball, business, hanging out with my boys, or working on cars, and especially MMA training). For some reason, she absolutely does not want me going to train MMA. She liked it alot when we started going out that i was trained 3 years in it and still going strong, but somedays she'll lash out like NO you cant go!. reason?: just coz you may get hurt or something.
My point is, i dont give up my passions for other people, granted she's not just any other person.
But when i say no, it only makes her want to push my buttons more, by trying to exert more control. example: you cant eat that its not good for you, cant do this coz etc etc. WTF is that behaviour?

It sounds like she is actually just trying to feel out if you will make room in your life for her - your apartment represents a physical manifestation of your life - the HOME. Do you see her in it? Can she see her self there? I don't mean sexing, cooking, cleaning - I mean being. Does she feel safe, secure, cared for and protected by you there? Does she feel like she belongs in your world?
It seems like you hear these comments as about how you should spend your money and control the environment - but when she brings up "pink" she is actually wondering if her feminity has a place in your space - or if she needs to keep looking for the man who will want and provide a space for what she has to offer. It is definitely a need that is not being met and she is letting you know.

Isnt it a tad bit early for her to be thinking about "Seeing her in" my apartment. I mean we're not going towards marriage! We're just dating each other.
But yes, i do have a good home, one which she has talked highly about. She has also mentioned that she feels comfortable at my place. Infact so comfortable that someday's she wishes she was here rather than at her place.

If she is letting me know of a need, what need is it? does she want to know if she can be the female in my house by putting pink everywhere? Does she want to make it hers by changing it already? I think that is scary.

"testing the concept of other guys" is what you get from "he was always my friend"... Would you please share more about the context of this dynamic? From her statement it sounds like you are asking her to give up friendships?

This is what i want to focus on:
I have never asked her to give up her friends, especially the guys.
I know for a fact that she had a lot of guy friends, and most of those guy friends were orbiters that always had crushes on her etc but too AFC to do anything.
She considers them her friends, I consider them her emotional tampon.
Shes got 2 main guy friends who are "bff". I know one of them and i got introduced to her through him. I know that he has taken her home and intro'd her to his mother etc (All this was before me and her got together). She just considers him her best friend.
The other guy, Jason, lives overseas, she talks to him once a month or so, and says the convo is mostly about his girlfriend or about me.

I dont care either way because those are her friends, the rest of her friends are females.
I have never felt threatened by a girl's guy friends, and i am not about to start now.
She has promised me (out of her own accord) that she has 2 best guy friends and that they are just friends nothing else, because she does not trust females since they are so b!tchy.

Anyway, to this day i have infact pushed her to contact all her friends and keep in touch with all of them because she has stopped contacting them as much. Due to the time she spends working and with me.

I have told her that my contact with my friends cannot diminish just because I am in a relationship. But also that it will not affect the relationship i have with her or the intensity of it.

She has always known that i have 3 girls who are very close friends of mine. 2 of whom were plates a long time ago. We are good friends. She has also always known that i spend time with any one of them individually atleast once a week or 2 weeks. That mostly includes dinner. That has always been the case. But they are just friends.

I keep in touch with all my friends just as much as i used to before, the boys and the girls.

She has tried to show her discontent at one point regarding the 3 girls, but i told her that they are just friends and that she shouldnt worry about it.




This statement is worthy of reflection, IMO.[/QUOTE]