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Low Interest or Super Guarded? Hard to figure out.

Smartone84

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@Hank Moody Well my implication there was of course I don't want to waste my time in the event that she really isn't looking for anything long term or plans to just have a summer fling with me. Ultimately I would like to progress. But of course, as you read in my post I'm sure, she has basically given me mixed signals galore from the start and I'm just not interested in shelling out anymore cash or anymore of my time without having some sort of clarity even if that comes in the form of interest from her. I've spoken to two close friends of mine about the situation and they both said any woman who likes you after dating for a month would have wanted to see you for their birthday weekend, even if that meant you going out with her friends. I really have to agree. Hell, if I liked a chick I was dating for a month it wouldn't even be a second thought. Come on out.
 

SargeMaximus

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That's how their twisted little minds operate.

They tell all that luvvy duvvy crap, get you hooked, then the second you reciprocate....

she PULLS BACK.

100 out of 100 women will do this to you.

One of the OG posters here - Poon King - created this legendary thread where he says the only thing a guy needs to concern himself with is sex. Pushing for the relationship, talking about feelings, etc... is her job.

BUT, you have to be careful to not reciprocate with your words. Ever.

As men, we show women how we feel about them. We don't tell them.

When you tell a girl, "I like you and I want to see where this goes." - or anything similar - her brain processes it as...

"Dang. Why is this guy throwing himself at me? It's only been 3 months and he's talking about all this future stuff with me. He must not have any other options besides me."

Then it turns into....

"Why is he not talking to other women? It's probably because no other woman wants him. So, wait a minute....why do I want him then?"

Then she ghosts you.

It's how they ALL think. It's how they ALL operate.
This is a hall of fame post thank you. I need to keep this in mind

a question I have tho is how do you respond or react to when women ask you these questions like “do you like/love me” or what not or when they get lovey dicey what do you do instead of reciprocate?
 

EyeBRollin

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a question I have tho is how do you respond or react to when women ask you these questions like “do you like/love me” or what not or when they get lovey dicey what do you do instead of reciprocate?
In the context of an LTR (only time she should be saying it), you can reciprocate if she’s earned it. I am loving with well-behaved girlfriends because they ask that when they need validation. Gotta use some beta throws or they feel rejected, which actually lowers interest level. The key is that you are reciprocating, not initiating.

Outside of LTRs it is a shvt test and it’s best to deflect with humor. Make a joke out of it.
 

SargeMaximus

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In the context of an LTR (only time she should be saying it), you can reciprocate if she’s earned it. I am loving with well-behaved girlfriends because they ask that when they need validation. Gotta use some beta throws or they feel rejected, which actually lowers interest level. The key is that you are reciprocating, not initiating.

Outside of LTRs it is a shvt test and it’s best to deflect with humor. Make a joke out of it.
Ok cool thanks and when does a fwb become a ltr?
 

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SargeMaximus

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When she asks, “So, where is this going? What are we?”

If you want an LTR, that is.
Ok thanks.

I have real trouble with coming in too strong, the reason is because for 28 years I was too far in the other direction. Not giving a **** at all, so much so I never dated or slept with girls because I just didn’t care.

so I have tried to be more reassuring to girls but I have noticed that is chasing some away as well so what’s the middle ground?

how do I be interested and move things forward without being too needy l? And how can I be aloof without being too aloof that girls move to another guy?
 

BackInTheGame78

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You should be seeing other women...this women KNOWS you like her more than she likes you and she KNOWS where she stands with you. Both of those things are attraction killers. Or at least attraction dampers...

OP would you want to go see a movie that you have already seen the ending too many times before? Neither does she.

She should be feeling uncertain about how you feel about her. I get the sense she knows you are wrapped around her little finger.
 

BillyPilgrim

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OP, I see these kinds of women 40 y/o, attractive, well-mannered, career-oriented women on Match all the time. If they aren't super-interested and clearly willing to get sexual sooner rather than later (I don't mean ONS's, I mean sex by date 3), then avoid. Even if they're indeed attractive, sane and intelligent - to the contrary this will just make it worse. They aren't worth the hassle, time, cash or risk and even if you do score, the chances of lame sex are high.

The fact that she waited a month to tell you of her likely moving away - while wanting to take things slow - is a d1ck move. She should have been way more up front about this. Also, it sounds like this girl has really good "date" game - which may or may not have come from TONS of dating. Serial dater perhaps?
 

Smartone84

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OP, I see these kinds of women 40 y/o, attractive, well-mannered, career-oriented women on Match all the time. If they aren't super-interested and clearly willing to get sexual sooner rather than later (I don't mean ONS's, I mean sex by date 3), then avoid. Even if they're indeed attractive, sane and intelligent - to the contrary this will just make it worse.
You know it's just sad bc at this stage of my life, the prejudging game when it comes to dating is something I'm trying to avoid, yet somehow it does always come back to bite me in the a$$. 40 yrs old, hot, smart, successful, etc. I'd be lying if I didn't think that's interesting that she's never been married, engaged, or even had a relationship serious enough to where she lived with a guy. Hell, it would be a little unusual for that to be a 30 year old and to be single as can be. Make it 40 and it really isn't even a question of what's going on, sometimes you sadly just have to figure it out for yourself, and I think that's what's happening here with me now 1.5 months in.

They aren't worth the hassle, time, cash or risk and even if you do score, the chances of lame sex are high.
I didn't want to really go there bc I felt it wasn't relevant to the story I was trying to tell, but the sex was pretty awful. I even had some teeth during the BJ :oops:

The fact that she waited a month to tell you of her likely moving away - while wanting to take things slow - is a d1ck move. She should have been way more up front about this. Also, it sounds like this girl has really good "date" game - which may or may not have come from TONS of dating. Serial dater perhaps?
When I heard about the move at the end of the 4TH date a month into dating her, internally it was a mixture of being upset along with being very pissed off. Also don't forget the key factor that I was the one who brought it up (where is your office going to be when you go back after the pandemic?) I mean could you imagine when she would have told me anyway? It's just insane. Also, the fact that she also told me in such a nonchalant way while also saying "If you don't want to see me after this I totally understand" was an IOD, indicator of disinterest imo. At that moment after 4 solid dates I could see that maybe while she'd be slightly disappointed, she really wouldn't have lost the slightest bit of sleep over never ever seeing me again.
 
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LARaiders85

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That's how their twisted little minds operate.

They tell all that luvvy duvvy crap, get you hooked, then the second you reciprocate....

she PULLS BACK.

100 out of 100 women will do this to you.

One of the OG posters here - Poon King - created this legendary thread where he says the only thing a guy needs to concern himself with is sex. Pushing for the relationship, talking about feelings, etc... is her job.

BUT, you have to be careful to not reciprocate with your words. Ever.

As men, we show women how we feel about them. We don't tell them.

When you tell a girl, "I like you and I want to see where this goes." - or anything similar - her brain processes it as...

"Dang. Why is this guy throwing himself at me? It's only been 3 months and he's talking about all this future stuff with me. He must not have any other options besides me."

Then it turns into....

"Why is he not talking to other women? It's probably because no other woman wants him. So, wait a minute....why do I want him then?"

Then she ghosts you.

It's how they ALL think. It's how they ALL operate.
They all do the pullback for sure, but some do really want a guy that is controllable...ideally he has options that he is incapable of exercising bc under the spell of her.

"
Then it turns into....

"Why is he not talking to other women? It's probably because no other woman wants him. So, wait a minute....why do I want him then?" "

This is true and why you need to also get her friends on your side...if her friends tell her they don't find you attractive then she will become dissatisfied.
 
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Smartone84

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They all do the pullback for sure, but some do really want a guy that is controllable
Lord knows I've been there before. Fortunately never went the distance with any of them. That being said none of them were ever as distant as this chick is with me.

With this chick ironcally she admitted to me that she's "very stubborn" and "can be bossy sometimes"
 

Glassguy

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You're not going to want to hear this @Smartone84, but you need to...

You are throwing yourself at this girl and giving off boyfriend vibes. Big no no.

Also, I read something at the end about you texting her a news story you thought she'd like to see. Don't ever do that.

Time for the Pro Tip:

In your first 3 months of seeing a girl, she should constantly be wondering, "Does he even like me?"
This sums it up.
 

Lookatu

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No amount of "hot", "smart", "successful" can replace awful sex and teeth during bj... Coupled to that with a 40yr old that probably hasn't had any good relationships(damaged) and there is nothing there.

She's doing you a favor by moving away.
 

Smartone84

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No amount of "hot", "smart", "successful" can replace awful sex and teeth during bj
Can't really disagree. I knew it was bad news when we finally got down to it all. And lord knows I'm not going to, at my age, 36, to talk to a 40 year old, about how to give a better BJ.
 

Lookatu

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Can't really disagree. I knew it was bad news when we finally got down to it all. And lord knows I'm not going to, at my age, 36, to talk to a 40 year old, about how to give a better BJ.
I suspect she invested more of herself furthering her studies and career and never really gave a lot of thought or effort in wanting a relationship/and or intimacy with a guy. Typical independent career oriented female...

One sh1t test question I always ask never married girls around 40 or above is when is the last LTR they've had and for how long. If a girl says the last LTR was over 10 years ago for example, that's a red flag to me. Also if the longest LTR a girl has had is a year or less, that is also a red flag to me as well. This is a question I usually sneak in on the first date so I can size them up and get a sense of who I'm dealing with.
 

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Smartone84

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One sh1t test question I always ask girls around 40 or above is when is the last LTR they've had and for how long. If a girl says the last LTR was over 10 years ago for example, that's a red flag to me. Also if the longest LTR a girl has had is a year or less, that is also a red flag to me as well. This is a question I usually sneak in on the first date so I can size them up and get a sense of who I'm dealing with.
Agreed. I should have dug a little deeper at this point. Though I have not put her on the spot with your question yet, I did ask if she ever lived with a guy to which she said no. That alone I found a little odd for an attractive 40 year old bc that basically means she's likely never dated anyone for more than a couple of years. If I do in fact see her again (we technically have plans this weekend), i'm going to find out when her last LTR was.
 

Lookatu

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Agreed. I should have dug a little deeper at this point. Though I have not put her on the spot with your question yet, I did ask if she ever lived with a guy to which she said no. That alone I found a little odd for an attractive 40 year old bc that basically means she's likely never dated anyone for more than a couple of years. If I do in fact see her again (we technically have plans this weekend), i'm going to find out when her last LTR was.
I found women that's never had a LTR to be damaged in a way where they are no longer capable of having one by the time they get that old. Usually they do not know how to be intimate and know what it is to be a team in a relationship. They do not want to compromise nor sacrifice things to make a relationship work.

They often are used to answering to themselves only. They are used to this freedom that it brings, being on their own schedule, doing things they want only, doing things their own way all the time, having their own sleeping schedule, not having to think or consider other's feelings and lifestyle/activities, etc.

This is the reason why women in that category are often only suitable for something casual or pump and dump to be realistic. Otherwise you might have uphill battles you can't win.
 

Smartone84

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@Lookatu So how do you suggest I handle things with this woman? Even if she were to tell me she's been in an LTR recently, it still wouldn't change several of the red flags I've already experienced with her. (i.e. bad sex, unable to fully explain what in fact is going on with her likely move in the Fall, super delayed text responses even over a month in and just poor communication in between dates in general, admitting that she's "picky" with men, etc) I'm 36 and just don't have time to waste both physically and emotionally, but I also don't think I should be dropping plates so easily...
 

Lookatu

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she reveals to me at the end of the 4th date, now a month into dating, (after me asking) that her new job that she got only recently will "LIKELY" be moving her FOUR HOURS away to another state at some point in the Fall.
@Lookatu So how do you suggest I handle things with this woman?
Regardless of her answer, you are thinking way too much in this and have too many of your emotions invested in this already.

Fact: She may move to another job and didn't tell you until the 4th date. That's already a deal breaker(in terms of anything serious) for you if you're to be honest with yourself.

Fact: She still likes to hang out with you and enjoys your company. You do too so why not just flow with it and keep her as a plate while seeking others? Do this as long as you're not having to make a lot of effort and if you can keep your emotions in check.

Obviously, if the juice isn't worth the squeeze then it's time to eject and move on to someone else. But only you can answer that.
 
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