Lotus Effect
Master Don Juan
NC - Day 01
And now for good.
I will use this as a journal, for my recovery and will start by telling what happened in the past few days, and also to evaluate with brutal honesty to my behaviour which led me here. I might be hurt or butthurt right now, but it is all coming from a bruised ego.
I've lied to myself for too long.
I strive to be a better person but only when I'm put in situations like this. When I lose a girl, or a job, or am put in an impossible situation like crashing against a wall, crushing my bones, and going to 2 surgerys 100% alone, starving my self in the process during recovery.
Anyway, From my perspective, she always gave a lot of red flags: over sexualized, party mode, substance abuse, history of bad relationships, super hot, bisexual tendencies, male friendships, self centered, impossible to please, terrible mood swings and BPD and/or Bipolar.
This alone was enough for me to steer clear, but, she was also very loving, very caring, with a functional family and family values (which says a lot) her parents were not divorced, and she had a good relationship with them and her 3 sisters. She would cook for me, leave love dovey notes around the house, massage me, and please me in any way I needed.
All of this waned, til a full stop as I've chumped out trhu the relationship.
When she had a view of me as the man, she would act in this femine energy, so I have my share of responsability because I've failed the test of maintaining my frame.
This realtionship was very curious to me in a anthropologic kind of way, because I could see almost like from a 3rd person perspective how attraction works, and how every little thing, good or bad, would play a part on her interest level. I guess that being BPD would intensify emotions, and it was incredible how every little rule of the game, specially The Book of Pook: Fifteen Rules, were applicable, relatable and also quite visual. It was very educational. Even tho I lost the girl in the end, there were lots of learnings.
I could see myself in so many lessons, and I guess that even tho I've read it and re read it multiple times, it feels like I've never lived them so vividily.
Anyway, this is not the first time I post about this girl. Ever since the beggining of our relationship I've been haunted by her behaviour and red flags, and every now and again we would have a fight that would end up with her threatening ending things, which would became the staple, and which would ultimately break me, completely destroying my frame, as I've became passive/AFC because I would rather do anything to avoid conflit.
In the end I've became her doormat, attraction died, and she moved on.
I think that the breakup process started in December 2025 for her, and for each distanced out she would do, I would try and grab ahold closer, which as we all know, has the opposite effect.
I can't keep on blaming myself too much, because I was able to see that, and conciously would avoid AFC behaviour, but shw would devise test after test to gauge my frame. In that matter, it can be said that she was the ultimate female experience, very in tune with everything preached her on female behaviour.
Anyway, at least I was able to get back on a basic workout routine beforehand, around that time in december 2025, which I was lacking in the past few months, 'cause I saw it coming, and knew that I should be at least with the workout mentality back. Starting off from zero now would be very challenging. Still I'm faaaaaaaaar away from ideal, also another one of the reasons for the dumping.
When she met me, I was ripped, I would workout 3 to 4 hours daily, I had incredible stamina, was looking so good, and had a winner mindset. I was meditating, not smoking, not doing drvgs nor drinking, absolutely nothing. Peak performance.
But That was the mask that feel, and during the year and 1/2 long relationship, I reverted back to confort/AFC behaviour, back to pretty much zero workout routine, drinking and smoking. The minute she saw me drinking and smoking for the first time, the spell broke. That was January last year. I was never able to revert back to myself, nor did she.
I do have a big bag of really good excuses on why that happened, the main one being my Full Hip Replacement surgery back on April 2025, which incapacitaded me for any sports practice for 6 months, till October 2025. Still, no reason for me to get back to drinking or smoking. The only reason for that was the ammount of stress in my job, and the crazyness of her Borderline behaviour altogether, at a point in time where I said fvck it, they don't deserve me. Sadly, they never had me again. It was December 2024.
If they deserve me or not, both my job or my GF is up for debate, but the thing is that I deserved me, and I gave up on me because of outside factors, and losing her is actually a symptom of me not following the right path. Next in line is my job, and I can't afford to lose that, so I trying to look at what is happening as a lesson and wake up call, before it is too late.
Anywho, moving on to the breakup.
I thought she was cheating on me, went to her place, got her phone, and saw her exchanging messages with one of her 'friends' in a very enthusiastic kind of way, while with me she was recently always sad, 'depressed and mentally unwell' - her words. Also in her messages although she was telling him everything about her life as they were catching up, she failed to mention she had a boyfriend, and deliberately told him that she couldn't video call him that night, because she was going out to dinner with the gang. She wasn't, she was having dinner with me. So that really pissed me off.
One might say I shouldn't go trhu her phone, but I don't care. She gave me her password herself, and even that is a trust issue, I found what I found. The guy was one of her Uni friends, and she was going to Amsterdam on a work trip in April this year, and since he lives there, she was planning to see him. It could've been nothing, but the fact that she not once said she was in a relationship, and also, deliberately lied to hide the fact that she was actually in one, added to the recent distancing and everything threw me off balance.
So I went to her place to break up with her, 'cause I actually was fed up with all this BS, but she kind reverted it said it was all in my head, and now who wanted a break was her.
We spent one week apart.
And now for good.
I will use this as a journal, for my recovery and will start by telling what happened in the past few days, and also to evaluate with brutal honesty to my behaviour which led me here. I might be hurt or butthurt right now, but it is all coming from a bruised ego.
I've lied to myself for too long.
I strive to be a better person but only when I'm put in situations like this. When I lose a girl, or a job, or am put in an impossible situation like crashing against a wall, crushing my bones, and going to 2 surgerys 100% alone, starving my self in the process during recovery.
Anyway, From my perspective, she always gave a lot of red flags: over sexualized, party mode, substance abuse, history of bad relationships, super hot, bisexual tendencies, male friendships, self centered, impossible to please, terrible mood swings and BPD and/or Bipolar.
This alone was enough for me to steer clear, but, she was also very loving, very caring, with a functional family and family values (which says a lot) her parents were not divorced, and she had a good relationship with them and her 3 sisters. She would cook for me, leave love dovey notes around the house, massage me, and please me in any way I needed.
All of this waned, til a full stop as I've chumped out trhu the relationship.
When she had a view of me as the man, she would act in this femine energy, so I have my share of responsability because I've failed the test of maintaining my frame.
This realtionship was very curious to me in a anthropologic kind of way, because I could see almost like from a 3rd person perspective how attraction works, and how every little thing, good or bad, would play a part on her interest level. I guess that being BPD would intensify emotions, and it was incredible how every little rule of the game, specially The Book of Pook: Fifteen Rules, were applicable, relatable and also quite visual. It was very educational. Even tho I lost the girl in the end, there were lots of learnings.
I could see myself in so many lessons, and I guess that even tho I've read it and re read it multiple times, it feels like I've never lived them so vividily.
Anyway, this is not the first time I post about this girl. Ever since the beggining of our relationship I've been haunted by her behaviour and red flags, and every now and again we would have a fight that would end up with her threatening ending things, which would became the staple, and which would ultimately break me, completely destroying my frame, as I've became passive/AFC because I would rather do anything to avoid conflit.
In the end I've became her doormat, attraction died, and she moved on.
I think that the breakup process started in December 2025 for her, and for each distanced out she would do, I would try and grab ahold closer, which as we all know, has the opposite effect.
I can't keep on blaming myself too much, because I was able to see that, and conciously would avoid AFC behaviour, but shw would devise test after test to gauge my frame. In that matter, it can be said that she was the ultimate female experience, very in tune with everything preached her on female behaviour.
Anyway, at least I was able to get back on a basic workout routine beforehand, around that time in december 2025, which I was lacking in the past few months, 'cause I saw it coming, and knew that I should be at least with the workout mentality back. Starting off from zero now would be very challenging. Still I'm faaaaaaaaar away from ideal, also another one of the reasons for the dumping.
When she met me, I was ripped, I would workout 3 to 4 hours daily, I had incredible stamina, was looking so good, and had a winner mindset. I was meditating, not smoking, not doing drvgs nor drinking, absolutely nothing. Peak performance.
But That was the mask that feel, and during the year and 1/2 long relationship, I reverted back to confort/AFC behaviour, back to pretty much zero workout routine, drinking and smoking. The minute she saw me drinking and smoking for the first time, the spell broke. That was January last year. I was never able to revert back to myself, nor did she.
I do have a big bag of really good excuses on why that happened, the main one being my Full Hip Replacement surgery back on April 2025, which incapacitaded me for any sports practice for 6 months, till October 2025. Still, no reason for me to get back to drinking or smoking. The only reason for that was the ammount of stress in my job, and the crazyness of her Borderline behaviour altogether, at a point in time where I said fvck it, they don't deserve me. Sadly, they never had me again. It was December 2024.
If they deserve me or not, both my job or my GF is up for debate, but the thing is that I deserved me, and I gave up on me because of outside factors, and losing her is actually a symptom of me not following the right path. Next in line is my job, and I can't afford to lose that, so I trying to look at what is happening as a lesson and wake up call, before it is too late.
Anywho, moving on to the breakup.
I thought she was cheating on me, went to her place, got her phone, and saw her exchanging messages with one of her 'friends' in a very enthusiastic kind of way, while with me she was recently always sad, 'depressed and mentally unwell' - her words. Also in her messages although she was telling him everything about her life as they were catching up, she failed to mention she had a boyfriend, and deliberately told him that she couldn't video call him that night, because she was going out to dinner with the gang. She wasn't, she was having dinner with me. So that really pissed me off.
One might say I shouldn't go trhu her phone, but I don't care. She gave me her password herself, and even that is a trust issue, I found what I found. The guy was one of her Uni friends, and she was going to Amsterdam on a work trip in April this year, and since he lives there, she was planning to see him. It could've been nothing, but the fact that she not once said she was in a relationship, and also, deliberately lied to hide the fact that she was actually in one, added to the recent distancing and everything threw me off balance.
So I went to her place to break up with her, 'cause I actually was fed up with all this BS, but she kind reverted it said it was all in my head, and now who wanted a break was her.
We spent one week apart.
