LMR: Verbal communication or no?

[oldmanofthesea]

I've only encountered LMR twice since I started dating again after my divorce. I was able to push past it with the first girl by backing off without any kind of fuss or talking or reaction on my part, then trying again a bit later, and repeating that cycle until we had sex. That didn't work with the last girl. We were at my place on the couch watching a movie and she just kept gently moving my hands away any time I'd try to touch her erogenous zones during make-out. I didn't say anything about it during or after, and she said she had to leave a little while later after more making out. This was date #4 or #5, so I decided to next her and simply never reached out to her again.

I was talking to a friend of mine about this, and he mentioned when he gets into that situation, he will actually discuss it with the girl in the heat of the moment. He will ask her questions that deliberately elicit a "no" response like, "Are you not turned on by me? Do you feel we haven't gotten to know each other well enough yet?" etc. Basically the idea is to get her to justify a good reason for not wanting to sleep with you and if she can't, then it helps to resolve any mental blocks she has related to slvt-shaming, not wanting to appear too easy, afraid of being taken advantage of, etc.

When I told him I haven't used that approach because I don't want to ever have to do anything that looks like bargaining or convincing a girl to do something she should naturally WANT to do if she's interested in me, his counter-point was that while this may be somewhat true, if you just hard-next, you'll definitely not get anything. So it's more of a last-ditch effort before hard-nexting, it isn't really bargaining/pleading - it's discussing and asking questions, and you have to expect that you'll have to do some discussion with some women to get them over the societal hang-ups about sex that many women are burdened by.

I'm curious as to whether you will talk about LMR with a girl or not? Also, to give some perspective, I'm not talking about a girl you met at a bar and are looking for a one-night-stand with. I'm talking about a girl who you think is intriguing enough to date. The more I think about it, the more I think his approach makes sense.

 

[sazc]

I'm confused why any female would Netflix and chill not thinking he's going to want to smash

 

[Serenity]

He's right if you ask me. If the alternative is to next her you have literally nothing to lose by confronting what's happening. The worst that will happen is that you next her which you were going to do anyways.

I don't really see it as bargaining or pleading either. You're calling out the elephant in the room. It's an obvious date, she's at your place and it's obvious that advances are going to happen in that situation. Calmly asking what's up with her resistance puts her on the spot, she knows she has to choose. She will either drop her resistance or she'll reject you in some way.

You might think asking something like that looks weak, like you doubt your own value. I'd say it's bold because you know you might not get the answer you want. If you don't get the answer you want it's literally the same result as just going straight to next, unless you have a vulnerable ego which I guess you don't have?

Like @sazc is saying, that's some odd women you've been dating. They can't possibly be unaware of what type of date they're going to.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Thanks for the replies. @Grewd it was just this one woman I had this happen with (meaning: LMR that couldn't be overcome), so I'm just not that experienced with ways of dealing with it beyond the pull-back then re-try method which worked with the other one or two girls I encountered it with.

I suppose another way to think about it is to remember that it's a man's job to lead, and if you are leading a woman into sex and she has some hangups or fears, it's on the man to lead her through that - which means the man has to initiate the discussion.

 

[lamath]

Will not discuss it.
If she is lacking enthusiasm i would not force it, its not worth the trouble.

I would just next her, not sure what kinf of game she is playing but i would want no part of it.
Seriously is she that clueless? Coming to your place and not DTF.

 

[ubercat]

Yeah if it's not progressing every date I m gone. I ve had serious make out sessions up to their O with women that were not that onto me. If she has that much self control not a passionate girl

 

[cola]

I have too much pride to do what your friend said, I’d have put her out. Lmr completely turns me off. “Can you please go? I’m not interested in you anymore.” You have to be that cold with females sometimes.