Living with a woman / proposing

[Bungo Pony]

Couple of things have been on my mind, and I'd like to have some input.

Me and the woman were discussing a few things for the past couple of days. We got on the subject of living together.

I was telling her that if It gets to the point where I can't stand being with my parents any longer, I'll move into an apartment while continuing to save up money for a house. She told me "If you end up doing this, and you want a roomate, let me know".

I've told her my stand on living with people. I've had enough of roomates, lanlords, caretakers, and common-law wives. I also have my own reasons for staying with my parents for the time being (financial reasons).

The subject was again brought up last night. We were talking about engagement, marriage, etc. She told me "I'd rather live with a person first before marrying them. I believe you have to find out if you can live with the person first". I realize this is common in today's society, but I have reasons for being against this since I've been down this road already. When a couple lives together, engaged or not, they get lazy with going through with the marriage plans. I have friends who are in this situation as well.

I told her "I don't want to live with a woman unless wedding plans are in the making".

The other thing that caught me a bit off was a question she brought up, "What if I were to give you an engagement ring? How would you react?"

I told her "It all depends on my feelings at that particular time".

Without bringing up the actual subject of marriage, what do you think of the two issues here; living with a woman & her doing the proposing?

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

Bungo,

Absolutely DO NOT live with a woman until you marry her. This flies in the face of what many people do. Remember, they are idiots. Living with a woman is the MOST AFC thing you can do. Period.

Plus, you are greatly increasing your chances for divorce if you do it. The stats don't lie.

Why would she get you an engagement ring? Does she expect you to wear the wedding dress too?

I know Canada is a little wussified, but give me a break. If a woman gave me an engagement ring, I would have to NEXT her out of sheer embarassment.

Just my thoughts.

GE

 

[Blaaaaat]

Uhm.... Living together befor marriage is IMO a wise thing. Because that's is what you gonna get when married, in this period you will really find out if you're compatile enough to stand each other 24/7

Better find out before any legal commiting.

 

[Umbra]

Ehh, sounds like she's trying to pressure the living arrangement with the engagement offer, because you said you'd only do it if marriage plans were in the making. Personally, I wouldn't live with a woman until I was ready to marry her either (I've declined the offer before as well). It has proven to be a wise decision, because I'm not with the same girl any more. Don't obligate or box yourself in - that's for marriage. As for being proposed to by a woman, I think it would be amusing and flattering. Women wish to be treated as equals, so I am not opposed to them actually stepping up and trying to be. My answer would depend on how I felt about her, too. I think you are doing well. Judging from your other posts and advice, I have faith that you will choose the right path, BP.

 

[thissucks003]

It really depends on your comfort zone. What do you like? What is important to you? If you want to wait to live with her after knowing that wedding plans are around the corner, that's fine. Speak out what is important to you in a relationship. Otherwise you let someone else steer your ship.

TS

 

[jnallen]

Live with her. This way you get to see her at her best and worst. If you get married first and than find out that you can't live together then your finances will be really bad then. I think it is a good idea to live with someone before you decide to get married. The engagement thing would be if you are comfortable with it.

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

Au contraire. Once you start playing house, you have absolutely no leverage. There is no threat that you will pull other chicks. You are completely and utterly bytched.

 

[jnallen]

Yes that would be true. So you would have to make sure she is the one you want to be with.

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

Originally posted by jnallen
Yes that would be true. So you would have to make sure she is the one you want to be with.

Then you should marry her if you are sure. If not, keep your options open.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Blaaaaat wrote:

Living together befor marriage is IMO a wise thing.

jnallen wrote:

I think it is a good idea to live with someone before you decide to get married.

Have either of you two tried this? (cue VBG)

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

Is this the part where VBG jumps in with boring tales of mindbengingly dull domesticity with her AFC boyfriend?

 

[The Edge]

Originally posted by GynecologyEnthusiast
Is this the part where VBG jumps in with boring tales of mindbengingly dull domesticity with her AFC boyfriend?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Edge ' Some have it, and some don't '

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

If nothing else convinces you, think about what it would be like to be VBG's lapdog. That's what you have to look forward to when you move in with your girlfriend.

Trust me. I did it when I was much younger and more chumplike. That is a year of my life I will never have again. I implore you not to give in. Notice, it's always the woman who wants to play house.

 

[jnallen]

Yes didn't work out to good. She ended up being a psycho with narcissitic/histrionic personality disorder. Glad I didn't date her for a long time then get married. I would have never known without living with her. This is typical of people with the disorder.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Is this the part where VBG jumps in with boring tales of mindbengingly dull domesticity with her AFC boyfriend?

Yeah, and she's fvcking late. I could just copy it out of another thread and paste it in here.

 

[GirlCrazy]

Living together

Sounds like you've psyched yourself out on this one. You won't live with her until you're sure she's "the one" but you won't know she's "the one" until you live with her first. Looks like classic risk aversion behavior. Take the risk, live with her.

Women proposing

She's your equal right? I'm guessing that a top notch DJ such as yourself wouldn't settle for anything less than that. I think it's cool that she has the confidence to express herself like that - such a rare quality in a society that makes men take all the risks. Let her propose, and let's see how well she does it!

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

Actually, Bungo, I'd prefer that you didn't. I already know her boyfriend "reads books" and that it's very important to be with someone who "reads books."

 

[InLawsHateMe]

I agree.. if you are thinking long term, live with her for a bit to see if it will work. A lot of marriages end up in divorce regardless of living together or not. I'd say, live together. You may find out certain things you wouldn't usually find out before. As far as proposing, ain't no big deal to me if she wanted to propose.

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

One piece in this debate are studies, from both the US and Europe, showing that couples who live together before marriage divorce at higher rates than couples who marry immediately. Setting aside the very important question of whether marriage is a route to personal fulfillment, I will explore in this essay reasons to be cautious about inferring causality from studies which show a correlation between cohabitation before marriage and probability of divorce.

http://people.bu.edu/charris/marriage.html

 

[Bungo Pony]

Trust me. I did it when I was much younger and more chumplike. That is a year of my life I will never have again.

You lucky bastard. I wasted 3 years!

With the whole living thing, once you start getting used to your life with your gf, you start building future plans, investments, and dreams on top of your living situation. Without the commitment of marriage, she is free to dump out anytime she damn well pleases. When she does dump out, all that 5hit comes crashing down all at once, leaving you under the rubble. In my opinion, this is the exact same as divorce.

When a couple is married, the bond is held tighter together by law and is much more of a pain in the ass to get out of. I'm not saying marriage is better, but the chances of it failing go down a bit.

I also agree with GE, if you're going to make a commitment, go all the way if you're so damn sure.

GirlCrazy wrote:

Sounds like you've psyched yourself out on this one. You won't live with her until you're sure she's "the one" but you won't know she's "the one" until you live with her first. Looks like classic risk aversion behavior. Take the risk, live with her.

I haven't psyched myself out. You can tell a lot by a woman after seeing her for an extended amount of time. You observe how she keeps the house, and if the house starts getting more and more messy as time passes. You have to let time reveal anything that been done to make her look good. After a fair amount of time passes, you should be able to make a good judgement from comparing her personality, her habits, and her obsessions between "then" and "now"

I have not changed my mind on not moving in with her.

Actually, Bungo, I'd prefer that you didn't. I already know her boyfriend "reads books" and that it's very important to be with someone who "reads books."

I know, but this thread feels like it's missing something.