Letting a good one slip away?

[JYT]

Recently found this forum and have been tooling around. Seems like I can receive some sound advice on here, so I'm gonna give it a go.

I spent 6 months in a foreign city in a language and cultural program. Along the way I met and became friends with a European girl who is 4 years younger, just 19. She was in the same program I was in, so that's naturally how we met and became friends. But if you want the truth, we became friends because she initiated consistently.

The very first time I met her I was struck at how mature and cultured she was. Conversation was absolutely effortless. And she's an absolute gorgeous girl..not necessarily with curves, but sex appeal through the roof and eyes of cruel but classy seduction. Just great looking and a personality to match. Anyway, after that first meeting I sent her an email a few days after and asked if she'd like to hang out further..blah blah blah. She accepted..but I never really made a concerted effort. This program didn't allow for much extra-curricular time..so about 4 or 5 weeks went by and I did not see her much. But eventually we had more chances to meet up and she sought out my company time and time again..then I got the clue..then it became more reciprocal.

So through the 4 months that I have known her well and hung out with her alone and with mutual friends, I gotta say at one point she Had to dig me. From the constant teasing to the arm touching to the random text messages here and there to the constant leaning over and whispering in my ear when talking would be inappropriate, her demeanor around me was just not the same as how she treated others. Our chemistry is great and it helps we have a few solid common interests..same morals, similar world views, both athletic and sporty. I don't see as much of the flirty, kookiness from her directed towards me anymore...but it does appear occasionally.

She comes from a somewhat religious family in Europe, and her attitude portrays such values. tho, for all I know she's not goody two shoes that I have pegged her down for, but I think she is. I've had enough conversations and interactions to know she's not really different than who I think. When I first entered this program my intent was not to get involved with any type of girl..but interacting with this girl just made me realize she's really my type. I really never made that concerted effort to see her more often in the beginning because I knew I would probably end up liking her. Well, when you have this type of girl seeking out your company you'd be foolish not to accept.


After my 6 month stint completed I returned to the home land to take a brake (just a few weeks ago). Now I'm returning to the same city for work, and she is doing an internship (just 5 weeks left) or so before returning to Eur. for school. I think she's pretty set on returning to Eur. for college. She may stay in the city for a little longer, but not sure about her plans yet.

This brings me to my problem..

I want to tell her that I've really come to like her. But I want her to know that I'm telling her not really hoping she feels the same way, but for honesty purposes..because I know we will see each other often the next 4 to 5 weeks and I still want to have a friend-relationship with her not only for the duration of her stay but the future too ( I feel I owe it to her). Also I need to get it OFF my chest...I thought of telling her back many weeks ago, but couldn't (yes I know I've made the mistake of putting her on a pedestal). Of course we all know the 3rd reason I want to tell her...it's that I hope she has felt (and still does) similarly about me.

But with our pretty different situations, should I just not tell her this? Are some things better left unsaid? even though I'm just 23, I feel like I've come across an actual real good one who at one point..(maybe even still does a bit) is attracted to me in the same way I am to her. So to just tell her and see what transpires is not a bad option, specially considering I have nothing to lose? and there's like 2 million more girls around my age in this city anyway.

Is my train of thought right? Please let me know if I'm missing something here. Feel free to criticize, laugh, and point out any sappiness with all this.

Appresh your time.

 

[Iceberg]

I want to tell her that I've really come to like her. But I want her to know that I'm telling her not really hoping she feels the same way, but for honesty purposes..because I know we will see each other often the next 4 to 5 weeks and I still want to have a friend-relationship with her not only for the duration of her stay but the future too ( I feel I owe it to her). Also I need to get it OFF my chest...I thought of telling her back many weeks ago, but couldn't (yes I know I've made the mistake of putting her on a pedestal). Of course we all know the 3rd reason I want to tell her...it's that I hope she has felt (and still does) similarly about me.

I don't know your dating history, but it seems like you have a very naive idea of the process of dating and attraction.

You're not telling her about your feelings for her because you want to get it off your chest. You're doing it because you want her. Let's drop the Disney, Prince Charming romance story and call this what it is.

And the problem with your idea is that it serves no purpose. If you want to date her, then take her on a date. If you want to kiss her, then go for a kiss. You cannot negotiate your way into attraction via talking about it.

How do you envision this event in your head? You call her and say, "I like you." she says, "I like you too." And then you arrange a nice picnic where you hold hands and kiss? That's not reality, it's a romance novel.

Also - perhaps she was interested in you before. But rarely does a person sit around for months and months dreaming over just ONE potential mate. If she liked you, she probably liked 5 other guys as well. And maybe one of those guys actually stepped up to the plate and made a move. Hell, I know I don't lay around dreaming of one particular girl, waiting months to make a move. Why should your girl act this way?

But with our pretty different situations, should I just not tell her this? Are some things better left unsaid? even though I'm just 23, I feel like I've come across an actual real good one who at one point..(maybe even still does a bit) is attracted to me in the same way I am to her.

This is another naive concept. You've identified a woman as a "real good one" and you're worried about "letting a good one slip away" before you've even dated her! Relationships and friendships are NOT the same thing. How a girl treats you as a friend is NOT how she'll treat you as a girlfriend. This doesn't mean that girl suddenly becomes evil...it just means that the role of friend vs. the role of girlfriend are VERY different. So, all due respect, you have no idea how much of a "good one" she is. Because you have no experience with her.

You already used the term "putting her on a pedestal"....and I just want to reiterate that. Because it's exactly what you're doing. You've watched too many romance movies.

So what can you do?

Meet up with her for drinks. Or music. Or a walk in the city. Be fun, be friendly. Do NOT talk about your feelings. That is the Anti-Male. No woman is getting wet over some sap pouring out his heart to her. In summary...be a man. The whole "I've been wanting to tell you this for a while...i like you..." routine only works in movies. A woman doesn't want to know that she has you wrapped around her finger before she's even gone on a date with you. It's boring and anticlimactic.

Hope this helps.

 

[marmel75]

I don't know your dating history, but it seems like you have a very naive idea of the process of dating and attraction.

You're not telling her about your feelings for her because you want to get it off your chest. You're doing it because you want her. Let's drop the Disney, Prince Charming romance story and call this what it is.

And the problem with your idea is that it serves no purpose. If you want to date her, then take her on a date. If you want to kiss her, then go for a kiss. You cannot negotiate your way into attraction via talking about it.

How do you envision this event in your head? You call her and say, "I like you." she says, "I like you too." And then you arrange a nice picnic where you hold hands and kiss? That's not reality, it's a romance novel.

Also - perhaps she was interested in you before. But rarely does a person sit around for months and months dreaming over just ONE potential mate. If she liked you, she probably liked 5 other guys as well. And maybe one of those guys actually stepped up to the plate and made a move. Hell, I know I don't lay around dreaming of one particular girl, waiting months to make a move. Why should your girl act this way?



This is another naive concept. You've identified a woman as a "real good one" and you're worried about "letting a good one slip away" before you've even dated her! Relationships and friendships are NOT the same thing. How a girl treats you as a friend is NOT how she'll treat you as a girlfriend. This doesn't mean that girl suddenly becomes evil...it just means that the role of friend vs. the role of girlfriend are VERY different. So, all due respect, you have no idea how much of a "good one" she is. Because you have no experience with her.

You already used the term "putting her on a pedestal"....and I just want to reiterate that. Because it's exactly what you're doing. You've watched too many romance movies.

So what can you do?

Meet up with her for drinks. Or music. Or a walk in the city. Be fun, be friendly. Do NOT talk about your feelings. That is the Anti-Male. No woman is getting wet over some sap pouring out his heart to her. In summary...be a man. The whole "I've been wanting to tell you this for a while...i like you..." routine only works in movies. A woman doesn't want to know that she has you wrapped around her finger before she's even gone on a
date with you. It's boring and anticlimactic.
Hope this helps.

Iceberg in the clutch again with solid advice. So solid in fact I don't even think anything else needs to be said.

You don't "tell" women you like them, you "show" them.

My motto: A women is more likely to forgive you for acting like a man than she will be for acting like a b!tch.

 

[JYT]

Thanks for this, I needed to read that.

I'm not living in a fantasy land with this, although I guess my message gave off that impression... but really I'm not gonna be sappy or ramble on.-I'm looking to be straight to the point, definitely no 30 second sap fests..

"Look, I really like our friendship, but I've come to really like you more than that. what do you think?"

Boom. that's it. This is such a bad idea?

Sure, I'd love to take her out and all that jazz. But as far as I know she's gone from the city in just more than a month like I stated in the original. I do want her but at this point there's little reason to think anything would come out of it. I think she will maybe be taken aback at first, but we will still be able to hang out like normal.


We've had various one-on-one dinners and sightseeing outings the past few months..not what I would call "dates" though, but they do keep happening. I know she will want to go out as soon as I contact her once I'm back in the city. If I keep it simple like I know I will, I see only positives that come out of this.

 

[Atom Smasher]

It's generally a bad idea to talk "about" the relationship and feelings. This can easily tend to start defining things in her mind and that can tend to scare women. They suddenly feel like they have to make a concrete decision.

Better to simply provide experiences, to suck her into your world without making that definition. Then you wait for her to give the "So, what are we" speech. Game, set, and match.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

Thanks for this, I needed to read that.

I'm not living in a fantasy land with this, although I guess my message gave off that impression... but really I'm not gonna be sappy or ramble on.-I'm looking to be straight to the point, definitely no 30 second sap fests..

"Look, I really like our friendship, but I've come to really like you more than that. what do you think?"

Boom. that's it. This is such a bad idea?

Sure, I'd love to take her out and all that jazz. But as far as I know she's gone from the city in just more than a month like I stated in the original. I do want her but at this point there's little reason to think anything would come out of it. I think she will maybe be taken aback at first, but we will still be able to hang out like normal.


We've had various one-on-one dinners and sightseeing outings the past few months..not what I would call "dates" though, but they do keep happening. I know she will want to go out as soon as I contact her once I'm back in the city. If I keep it simple like I know I will, I see only positives that come out of this.

Take her out again and go for the kiss. You'll be better able to guage her feelings towards you.

IMO chicks from other countries are far less defensive and not brainwashed entitled princesses as they are in the U.S.

I know from personal experience meeting a LOT of them they are extremely intelligent, sexy, like being feminine and want a good guy.

Take her out. Go for the kiss and do you. Screw all the tactics otherwise you'll wind up frying your brain. Most advice you'll get here is geared towards dealing with American or Westernized chicks. Foreign chicks if they like you enough will PUSH for a relationship.

She talks to you no?

Goes out with you no?

Go for the kiss. Just do it and talk about things with her after. You aren't dealing with an entitled, branch swinging, it's all about me feminist brainwashed Western Chick.

She may just be waiting on YOU to make a move on her. Do it. Forget the nonsense.

 

[JYT]

Naughty Ninja,

Thanks man, You nailed it.

 

[tomato]

Naughty Ninja,

Thanks man, You nailed it.

yes what he said - do it

go on date be cool tease her and then when your having fun (not at the end) kiss her. then let things progress - maybe go back to yours to watch a movie and then see what happens......

 

[JYT]

Probably push for a few drinks..especially because she said playfully that when I return the two of us should get wasted...which would be after about two drinks because both of us rarely drink.