Journal 9asus2

[9asus2]

Just read the journal. Congrats on getting out there. You are making gains short term, you just don't realize it, but the women do. You will start to get more IOIs the more you go out. Right now, you are not acting on those IOI's but as you get in the field more, eventually you will reach a tipping point where you say fvck it, and go in.

One thing I want to suggest is to be a bit more cautious when you are approaching women that are with guys. I have had guys jump in my sets before and I let it slide because A) I can't fight and B) Any chick that openly flirts with another guy while I am out with her isn't high quality but, there are a lot of guys that take that really really personally.

One other thing is that you need to remind yourself of what went positively in your interaction as well. You are beating yourself up, but the fact that you have a journal and are actively trying to get better is better than the majority of the message board. Saying how you are slipping all the time is not going to make your game better. Yes, you definitely need to make explicit where you can improve, but at the same time, you also need to give yourself props or else it will feel like you are spinning your wheels and you will burn yourself out. No one wants that.

As for your goals, I like them but I think you need to go into a bit more detail and spell out your gameplan as well so that you can confidently say if you are moving closer to achieving your goals or not:

Really appreciate the feedback, you are right about about being more objective re: appreciating the positives and using the negatives to build on, rather than dwell on.

Your post has made something click in my head as to why I'm finding this tricky: I'm stuck between two mindsets:

1. Self improvement/game
2. Trying to get over my ex, and failing miserably. New territory, never missed an ex before this one.

I think, and this thought is all of 30 seconds old, so bare with me, that although 2. should be fueling 1. to an extent, it's doing the opposite.
Examples:
I want to approach a girl -"nah ex was cuter"
I'm in a set -"cba to push quite so hard, sex wouldn't be as good as with ex"
I want to try OLD -"what if ex's friends see me on there and it ruins my reputation"

I'm sure with enough (read: a lot) of time these two goals shall separate out.

@macallik also suggested I should be more in-depth with my goals;

How are you going to meet more friends? Have been making more of an effort to do things in the week with my social circle. Also talking to everyone while I'm out, taking a farming rather than hunting approach to this.

How many drinks are you looking to have? Are you going to only take $25 to the bar and no credit card so that you can't buy more than a few drinks? Switch from vodka to beers whilst I'm out, easy.

How are you going to improve your confidence? Visualizations? Affirmations? Stuck a little here - just need to man up a do it to get the ball rolling, then re-asses. I'm fine with bar staff/clerks/waitresses etc. Want to be able to walk up to anyone.


What is something that you think other people will find interesting? Have you read the SoSuave Archived posts about conversation skills for ideas? Something like 'Conversing for Maximum Attraction' or 'How to be a better conversationalist'
I'll check out those threads, in a nutshell I guess people love talking about themselves, and like hearing you talk if you're genuinely interested and congruent. I forget both of these facts once I'm drunk so this will go hand in hand with drinking less.

 

[macallik]

Any update on progress? @9asus2 ?

 

[9asus2]

Any update on progress? @9asus2 ?

Hi Macallik, appreciate you checking back in with my journal.

Nothing to really note this past week unfortunately.

Game: Haven't been out to the nightclubs since last weekend, so no approach stuff happening there
Girls in general: No new prospects - feel like I've just stagnated, need to kick myself in the ass and actually start approaching people sober. A couple weeks back it felt like this wasn't a million miles away, now it does for some reason
Activities: I have kept myself out of the house as much as possible, getting coffee/shopping/bowling/hanging out with friends. Have genuinely been enjoying my time with them, but I know in the back of my mind that some of that time should be spent progressing with finding plates.
Ex: Everyday that passes I accept more and more that it's over logically. But I miss her as much as day 1, this is really weighing me down.
Other: Thinking about calling up an ex fwb from 2-3 years ago, this is bad for two reasons. 1. if she's receptive then easy lays are gonna make me lazy 2. if she rejects the idea I'll feel like a chode as I was the one to go NC on her back then.

Was gonna update last night, didn't feel like advertising my slump, but seeings as you asked so nicely there you go

I hope once the christmas period is over and things get back to normal that I'll be back out there, hopefully moving forwards.

I have noticed, when hanging with friends that I get occasional periods (1-3hrs) of feeling a little more extroverted and sociable though - could be down to the religious RSD watching I do.

EDIT: I gotta balance out the negativity of this post. 1 more positive: In general, over the past 4-5 weeks, I have noticed that members of the public and staff interact with me in a slightly more flirty/upbeat way than previous.

How has your week been, @macallik ?

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Where are you located again?

Also how long have you been broken up with your ex?

 

[9asus2]

Where are you located again?

Also how long have you been broken up with your ex?

Northern England.

Couple of months-ish

 

[9asus2]

UPDATE

Lay report
Have been out 3 times over the holiday period, mainly just trying to have fun and celebrate with my social circle. On the last night, Saturday 2nd, pulled a girl back home and fvcked a couple of times.

Not taking it as a win as I'm pretty sure she'd have gone home with anyone who approached and lead. "Let's be honest, we were both each others last option tonight" she said lmao! That being said, she was all over me for the hour before we left and was up for anything in bed so fine by me.

What's the etiquette for turning her into a fb? she added me on fb the morning after. have had no contact with her since. Probably should just leave it alone.

Other things:

Still need to work on my daygame - got none!

Now the holidays are over it's time to get focused and back on track

Still feel incredibly lost.

 

[macallik]

Congrats on the lay. Let us know how you plan to get back on track.

Also, you said you are still feeling lost... what are the updates on the goals that you set for yourself?

 

[9asus2]

Congrats on the lay. Let us know how you plan to get back on track.

Also, you said you are still feeling lost... what are the updates on the goals that you set for yourself?

Hi Macallik.

I'm away on work this whole weekend, so will start going out again once I'm back. Next weekend etc.

Update on the goals

- Stop romanticizing past relationship (v hard to do, was 12 months of near perfect everything.)
Maybe this one will just take time - on paper, logically I can convince myself there's no such thing as "the one" and that we were just a really good match, nothing more. But emotionally, nothing has changed.

- Get more friends. I actually kept a very active social life whilst with my ex, and have gained more of a social circle in the last 12 months than ever before. Was this pure chance? I don't know. Downside is that none of them want to go out on the weekends drinking. Although they are usually up for activities.
Have made new acquaintances for sure, through my social circle, turning them into friends should be as simple as spending more time around them and talking to them over time.

-Drink a little less when out
Making progress

-Cold approach. I am still to scared to do it sober.
Will hold my hands up and say I've not put enough effort into this one. "Must try harder"

-MAIN ONE: Become centered.....80% of the time I feel like Im trying to hard or being boring/awkward.
I read more
Still religiously watch RSD vids, there's some really good ideas in there
Start meditation

I do feel more grounded in individual situations, in that respect I'm doing good.
The flipside is that when I get home and think about the last week/month/3 months/whatever. It doesn't feel like I'm moving up much, if that makes sense.

It's a long process and I need to remember that. It's been three months, nothing in the grand scheme of things, so these feelings of being lost are probably based in insecurity and nothing else.

EDIT: for anyone thinking of starting a journal. do it.
It helps a little in 2 ways.
1. writing things down makes everything a little clearer in your head, makes you more objective.
2. we're all just strangers behind a keyboard here - but when users check in/give advice on your journal, it does make you feel more accountable if you're having an off day

 

[macallik]

Responses are underlined

Hi Macallik.
- Stop romanticizing past relationship (v hard to do, was 12 months of near perfect everything.)
Maybe this one will just take time - on paper, logically I can convince myself there's no such thing as "the one" and that we were just a really good match, nothing more. But emotionally, nothing has changed.
Time and continued social experience will help you with this one.

- Get more friends. I actually kept a very active social life whilst with my ex, and have gained more of a social circle in the last 12 months than ever before. Was this pure chance? I don't know. Downside is that none of them want to go out on the weekends drinking. Although they are usually up for activities.
Have made new acquaintances for sure, through my social circle, turning them into friends should be as simple as spending more time around them and talking to them over time.
Congrats. Sounds like things are slowly coming together here.

-Drink a little less when out
Making progress

-Cold approach. I am still to scared to do it sober.
Will hold my hands up and say I've not put enough effort into this one. "Must try harder"
"Must try harder" is not a measurable goal. You need to set goals that you can leave the house and figure out if you have completed it or not. It is hard to go out and say "I will approach one girl at the mall" or "I will smile at 5 women" but those are the kind of goals that are tangible. Setting a goal to "Try harder" is not as easy to accomplish.

Baby steps can help here though as well. If approaching a woman in public seems impossible mentally, then just focus on spending time walking around in the mall and making eye contact or smiling or getting out of the house. As long as you are consistently progressing towards your goals, your confidence will start to snowball

-MAIN ONE: Become centered.....80% of the time I feel like Im trying to hard or being boring/awkward.
I read more
Still religiously watch RSD vids, there's some really good ideas in there
Start meditation

I do feel more grounded in individual situations, in that respect I'm doing good.
The flipside is that when I get home and think about the last week/month/3 months/whatever. It doesn't feel like I'm moving up much, if that makes sense.

It's a long process and I need to remember that. It's been three months, nothing in the grand scheme of things, so these feelings of being lost are probably based in insecurity and nothing else.

EDIT: for anyone thinking of starting a journal. do it.
It helps a little in 2 ways.
1. writing things down makes everything a little clearer in your head, makes you more objective.
2. we're all just strangers behind a keyboard here - but when users check in/give advice on your journal, it does make you feel more accountable if you're having an off day
I agree 100% with you here. Sometimes my journal sounds like I have all my ducks in a row and that life is amazing. In reality though, sometimes I have no idea what the fvck I am doing, and what direction I want to take things until I start writing in my journal.... then I can take a step back objectively a bit more and take in the big picture. It sounds like you typing this post helped you to do the same thing. Kudos.

 

[9asus2]

Update time!

Felt like I've been getting back on track re: the whole pick-up side of things, albeit minor. A couple of cheap ONS's and a movie night/f-close with a girl who wants me to visit her place next weekend. Not into her very much, not my type and not a lot of chemistry there but could make an OK fwb.

That being said, when I look back now to the goals I set for myself, really not a great deal of progress has been made.

It does occur to me, however, that it HAS ONLY BEEN 3 MONTHS since the wheels started turning properly, and I should be grateful for the fact that I no longer feel totally pessimistic about my situation, I feel a little bit hopeful for the first time in a while.

What I'm really trying to get at (with my limited writing capacity) is that this takes time, a lot more than you think. So for anyone new here - keep pushing.

And for the experienced guys here - thanks for the content. I feel like this forum + rsd gave me 90% of what I needed to get myself moving forward.....


Moving on - I still do feel very lost. There's also a lot I don't "get". The difference is that now I'm hopeful. Goals below.


- Stop romanticizing past relationship (v hard to do, was 12 months of near perfect everything.)
No progress. Won't bore you with the oneitus details, you know the deal with a oneitus haha. I am 100% still stuck on it. NC forever, try not to think about it every 5 seconds.

- Get more friends.
Yeah speaking to a few more acquaintances every so often. Nothing major. I am more social now though, make small talk with strangers more fluidly when out at the bars, that's a result in itself, one I am proud of. 6/10 hard to measure progress on a small timeline

-Drink a little less when out
I drink less often, but when I do, I drink about the same as always. 5/10 could try harder

-Cold approach. I am still to scared to do it sober.
1/10 - I have not made one direct cold approach (pick up) in the daytime.

-MAIN ONE: Become centered.....80% of the time I feel like Im trying to hard or being boring/awkward.
8/10 for effort. Getting back to my old old old self in this regard, less ****s given, more charismatic, calm, open, bright. You get the idea.

There are times when this is not the case, but en mass I'm moving forward in this area for sure, slowly but surely.

 

[Von]

There is a life-dating coach named John Keegan, he said: Talk to 5 people/women a day..... that's 25 a week..... your circle will expand exponentially. He's right.... better to do small number consistantly than just a massive amount 1 day and nothing.

It's the approach I am building slowly.... and talk about what to the ''cold approaches'' = anything!

 

[9asus2]

I know you are scared.

Yeah I am a little, what's odd is that a woman "rejecting" me doesn't bother me in the slightest anymore, it's the awkward first couple of minutes of dialogue that makes me freeze up and chicken out. You're right, I need to get the first 10 out of the way.