I've behaved in one of the worst ways a parent or person could. Will my kid really be worse off if I'm not around?

Yam_Naem_Kluk

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My partner and I had an unplanned daughter four years ago. Our relationship was already going south at the time but I thought it was worth staying together and trying to make it work. I'm 33 and she's 37.

Fast forward four years and the only positive thing in both of our lives is our daughter. We barely communicate with each other except out of necessity. There is no love, just misery. She's less educated so we have zero to talk about culturally, philosophically, etc. English is not even her first language, and she still struggles with it after 3 years in my country. We still have sex once every week or two, but it more happens out of a mutual need for a release than any real emotional desire.

It's long been impractical to break up though because a rental crisis in my country would leave my partner (and daughter) homeless. The cost of a place for them would be too much. And I didn't want to risk her bringing my daughter back on the first flight to her own country if I did end it.

This leads me to my truly awful behaviour. I met someone while on a work business trip and kind of fell for her. We started an affair but neither my partner or the woman I've had an affair with knows of the other's existence. This has been going on for nine months (I travel often, say twice a year, to the same location for work for up to 4 or 5 weeks at a time)

The guilt and shame are getting too much to deal with. In my darkest moments, I have increasingly turned to the thought that my child is better off without me alive. I already know I don't deserve either of the women in my life.

Would my daughter really regret losing a parent who has behaved so abhorrently? What the **** do I do to get out of this situation? Aside from feeling bad for my kid, the guilt about lying to the woman I've had an affair with is eating away at me.
 

obelisk

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Dude. Take a step back. Your daughter needs her father even if you choose to stop living with her mother. Yes, she would regret losing you.

Cut yourself some slack. No father is perfect. **** knows I wasn't. Stand up, dust yourself off and don't immediately pick back up your cross. Work on getting to a healthier place for yourself and that will help your daughter.

Sometimes we need to do what is best for US and not them so that we can get to a better, happier place for us. This is ultimately how we be there for our kids and others. Society loves to tell us that we are selfish and bad parents for attending to our own needs first because they don't give a damn about men.

Depression and suicide/suicide ideation is no joke in men, especially post-divorce men. Don't underestimate its power and don't suffer in silence.
 

All_Kindz_Of_Gainz

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Our relationship was already going south
Why? Give reasons.


There is no love, just misery. She's less educated so we have zero to talk about culturally, philosophically, etc. English is not even her first language, and she still struggles with it after 3 years in my country. We still have sex once every week or two, but it more happens out of a mutual need for a release than any real emotional desire.
The language and being less educated didn't bother you earlier, why now?

How are you in the desire scale? Weigh, height, how is she weigh and height and well? Typically a woman is a reflection of her man.

This has been going on for nine months (I travel often, say twice a year, to the same location for work for up to 4 or 5 weeks at a time)
What do you do for work? How much you make?


Would my daughter really regret losing a parent who has behaved so abhorrently? What the **** do I do to get out of this situation? Aside from feeling bad for my kid, the guilt about lying to the woman I've had an affair with is eating away at me.
The solution is way easier than you think, doesn't have to do with tell her anything, or your kid, and definitely not ending yourself. Answer my questions and I'll reply.
 

BackInTheGame78

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Let me explain something to you.

The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you choose to water it. And that works both directions.

If you want a different outcome, perhaps one that leads to an improved life at home, maybe try watering the grass a little bit there and perhaps you'll see the same effort on her part as well.

I don't know the backstory or how compatible you are but at the end of the day actions and inactions are what kill relationships because feelings can change when given reason to.
 

Slowhandluke

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Not enough info given. What type of person is your "partner"? Is this partnership monogamous? You are only human so cheating is to be expected for some type of men. Are you this type of man? A man who uses women for sex, but no emotional connection?

If you are getting emotionally attached to the person in the affair and the relationship is suppose to be monogamous; then it's time to quit the affair. If you are just "playing" around, what are your partners expectations? Is she going to be OK with trying to be faithful, but the human urge to have sex to strong? You are failing?

Throughout history, men have always cheated and women have forgiven. Men have always tried to be faithful but for a lot of men, that was never in the cards. Human nature.

The best course of action is to determine the type of people you and your partner are
Then makes decisions that take human nature in to account and find the best response for everyone including the daughter.
 

BoomToTheMoonAlice

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My partner and I had an unplanned daughter four years ago. Our relationship was already going south at the time but I thought it was worth staying together and trying to make it work. I'm 33 and she's 37.

Fast forward four years and the only positive thing in both of our lives is our daughter. We barely communicate with each other except out of necessity. There is no love, just misery. She's less educated so we have zero to talk about culturally, philosophically, etc. English is not even her first language, and she still struggles with it after 3 years in my country. We still have sex once every week or two, but it more happens out of a mutual need for a release than any real emotional desire.

It's long been impractical to break up though because a rental crisis in my country would leave my partner (and daughter) homeless. The cost of a place for them would be too much. And I didn't want to risk her bringing my daughter back on the first flight to her own country if I did end it.

This leads me to my truly awful behaviour. I met someone while on a work business trip and kind of fell for her. We started an affair but neither my partner or the woman I've had an affair with knows of the other's existence. This has been going on for nine months (I travel often, say twice a year, to the same location for work for up to 4 or 5 weeks at a time)

The guilt and shame are getting too much to deal with. In my darkest moments, I have increasingly turned to the thought that my child is better off without me alive. I already know I don't deserve either of the women in my life.

Would my daughter really regret losing a parent who has behaved so abhorrently? What the **** do I do to get out of this situation? Aside from feeling bad for my kid, the guilt about lying to the woman I've had an affair with is eating away at me.
You should concentrate on being a better man, be honest with your wife, and let her take the necessary action. Step up, get divorced, and let your kid know you'll always be there for her. Don't talk, do it. You're a scum bag now but even scum bags can turn their lives around. If you're willing to cut and run, what's the difference between spending the next 30 years being a devoted parent and at least trying to make up for it? Your kid isn't getting enough comprehensible input to learn a language. Get her on DuoLingo and stick her into after-school programs, cartoons and videogames. If you have time to cheat, you have time to work and get a part-time job to fund it. The next time suicide crosses your mind, go down to the sick kids' wing and ask them if there's anything you can do. You are more useful on Earth as a guardian than a coward. Sincere apologies hurt. Let your guilt guide you, it's a moral compass that is never wrong.

My brother killed himself for something equally as terrible, I wish he had stayed and made it up to me instead.
 
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