Boricua_33015
Master Don Juan
I had typed up a whole damn essay just venting out but I decided to erase it to spare you guys one hell of a long post and a headache.
The main point is. I feel like a reject. I am depressed and lonely. Nobody has respect for me except my family. Even that I am not sure of but I beleive they do.
Since school ended about 3 week ago I have not socialized with anyone. Of couse online, but not in the real world. I just disappeared from everyone of my peer's lives. I am afraid to leave my house because of my horrible reputation (not a big repuation though, because I moved here 2 years ago). Everyone just has pity for me, and no respect (maybe some respect, but its out of pity because they feel sorry for me). I have built up this horrible reputation myself. I bet if a peer who knew me was asked what they think of me it would all be around the lines of "hes depressed" or "he has issues". This is because I have been a complainer, a whiner, a depressed kid, and everything that has to do with just negativity. Everyone in my family says I am a negative person and I have alot of raging anger inside of me.
Because of all this, I have become even more angry and depressed because I cant change things instantly. I have made some decisions for the summer so I can transform myself.
Yea this is all good but, all this lack of social contact is really hurting me. I think my shyness is becoming even more severe than it already is. All my hard earned social skills that I have learned throughout the previous year of high school are diminshing. I now have trouble saying "hi" to my neighbors. One of my neighbors though is my ex-oneitis, but I havent seen her since the last day of school. Glad I haven't because I think she is another one of my peers who thinks I have issues. Today I said hey to her dad and I said it in the most insecure, shakiest, low voice I ever had in a long time. My social immunity is diminshing and now I feel very vulnerable just stepping out of my house. So now I act cold with everyone. I always have been cold towards people, hence my nickname from a girl "IceMan", but now it is getting WORSE everyday.
You're probably wondering, what do I do everyday then? Well my typical day starts off with some physical training. I have forced my self to start a diet and start training. Every other day I run, and every day that I dont run I do some weight training. When Im done, the whole day Im bored, so I get on the computer for hours(most of my time is on the computer), play video games, read books to pass the time, and watch TV (i actually only watch TV like 3 times a week).
Now, I probably could go to the mall, or go to the movies and sh*t like that, but I dont because 1. I have no money to spend and 2. I don't have anymore freinds because I ditched them all to start clean and fresh for the new school year approaching. Those freinds arent complaining either. Im probably diminishing from their memories now without any questioning either. I dont have a car. Though I could probably take the bus to go somewhere. I have signed up for some jobs recently, I havent got any calls yet though. I am planning later on this week to get some more applications so increase my chances.
Is it bad to go out alone? I can probably ask my dad for a ride to go to the movies, but I would have to go by myself. But seeing how people are these days its all about status, and if anyone from school or just ANYONE sees me alone, going to the movies, or to the mall by myself will think I am a loser. It may not be bad for a grown man to go out alone, but for a high schooler?
Man, I dont know how I am going to be when summer school starts, im going to be needing alot of conditioning and extra confidence building work so that when I get there I can make a good impression from the start......
My mind is tired and I forgot eveything else I wanted to write so Ill just stop right now. Respond if you want to, if you don't I really dont give a f*ck because I have received enough sh*t from people on this site.
~1
The main point is. I feel like a reject. I am depressed and lonely. Nobody has respect for me except my family. Even that I am not sure of but I beleive they do.
Since school ended about 3 week ago I have not socialized with anyone. Of couse online, but not in the real world. I just disappeared from everyone of my peer's lives. I am afraid to leave my house because of my horrible reputation (not a big repuation though, because I moved here 2 years ago). Everyone just has pity for me, and no respect (maybe some respect, but its out of pity because they feel sorry for me). I have built up this horrible reputation myself. I bet if a peer who knew me was asked what they think of me it would all be around the lines of "hes depressed" or "he has issues". This is because I have been a complainer, a whiner, a depressed kid, and everything that has to do with just negativity. Everyone in my family says I am a negative person and I have alot of raging anger inside of me.
Because of all this, I have become even more angry and depressed because I cant change things instantly. I have made some decisions for the summer so I can transform myself.
Yea this is all good but, all this lack of social contact is really hurting me. I think my shyness is becoming even more severe than it already is. All my hard earned social skills that I have learned throughout the previous year of high school are diminshing. I now have trouble saying "hi" to my neighbors. One of my neighbors though is my ex-oneitis, but I havent seen her since the last day of school. Glad I haven't because I think she is another one of my peers who thinks I have issues. Today I said hey to her dad and I said it in the most insecure, shakiest, low voice I ever had in a long time. My social immunity is diminshing and now I feel very vulnerable just stepping out of my house. So now I act cold with everyone. I always have been cold towards people, hence my nickname from a girl "IceMan", but now it is getting WORSE everyday.
You're probably wondering, what do I do everyday then? Well my typical day starts off with some physical training. I have forced my self to start a diet and start training. Every other day I run, and every day that I dont run I do some weight training. When Im done, the whole day Im bored, so I get on the computer for hours(most of my time is on the computer), play video games, read books to pass the time, and watch TV (i actually only watch TV like 3 times a week).
Now, I probably could go to the mall, or go to the movies and sh*t like that, but I dont because 1. I have no money to spend and 2. I don't have anymore freinds because I ditched them all to start clean and fresh for the new school year approaching. Those freinds arent complaining either. Im probably diminishing from their memories now without any questioning either. I dont have a car. Though I could probably take the bus to go somewhere. I have signed up for some jobs recently, I havent got any calls yet though. I am planning later on this week to get some more applications so increase my chances.
Is it bad to go out alone? I can probably ask my dad for a ride to go to the movies, but I would have to go by myself. But seeing how people are these days its all about status, and if anyone from school or just ANYONE sees me alone, going to the movies, or to the mall by myself will think I am a loser. It may not be bad for a grown man to go out alone, but for a high schooler?
Man, I dont know how I am going to be when summer school starts, im going to be needing alot of conditioning and extra confidence building work so that when I get there I can make a good impression from the start......
My mind is tired and I forgot eveything else I wanted to write so Ill just stop right now. Respond if you want to, if you don't I really dont give a f*ck because I have received enough sh*t from people on this site.
~1