Its rock bottom once again.....

[Boricua_33015]

I had typed up a whole damn essay just venting out but I decided to erase it to spare you guys one hell of a long post and a headache.

The main point is. I feel like a reject. I am depressed and lonely. Nobody has respect for me except my family. Even that I am not sure of but I beleive they do.

Since school ended about 3 week ago I have not socialized with anyone. Of couse online, but not in the real world. I just disappeared from everyone of my peer's lives. I am afraid to leave my house because of my horrible reputation (not a big repuation though, because I moved here 2 years ago). Everyone just has pity for me, and no respect (maybe some respect, but its out of pity because they feel sorry for me). I have built up this horrible reputation myself. I bet if a peer who knew me was asked what they think of me it would all be around the lines of "hes depressed" or "he has issues". This is because I have been a complainer, a whiner, a depressed kid, and everything that has to do with just negativity. Everyone in my family says I am a negative person and I have alot of raging anger inside of me.

Because of all this, I have become even more angry and depressed because I cant change things instantly. I have made some decisions for the summer so I can transform myself.

Yea this is all good but, all this lack of social contact is really hurting me. I think my shyness is becoming even more severe than it already is. All my hard earned social skills that I have learned throughout the previous year of high school are diminshing. I now have trouble saying "hi" to my neighbors. One of my neighbors though is my ex-oneitis, but I havent seen her since the last day of school. Glad I haven't because I think she is another one of my peers who thinks I have issues. Today I said hey to her dad and I said it in the most insecure, shakiest, low voice I ever had in a long time. My social immunity is diminshing and now I feel very vulnerable just stepping out of my house. So now I act cold with everyone. I always have been cold towards people, hence my nickname from a girl "IceMan", but now it is getting WORSE everyday.

You're probably wondering, what do I do everyday then? Well my typical day starts off with some physical training. I have forced my self to start a diet and start training. Every other day I run, and every day that I dont run I do some weight training. When Im done, the whole day Im bored, so I get on the computer for hours(most of my time is on the computer), play video games, read books to pass the time, and watch TV (i actually only watch TV like 3 times a week).

Now, I probably could go to the mall, or go to the movies and sh*t like that, but I dont because 1. I have no money to spend and 2. I don't have anymore freinds because I ditched them all to start clean and fresh for the new school year approaching. Those freinds arent complaining either. Im probably diminishing from their memories now without any questioning either. I dont have a car. Though I could probably take the bus to go somewhere. I have signed up for some jobs recently, I havent got any calls yet though. I am planning later on this week to get some more applications so increase my chances.

Is it bad to go out alone? I can probably ask my dad for a ride to go to the movies, but I would have to go by myself. But seeing how people are these days its all about status, and if anyone from school or just ANYONE sees me alone, going to the movies, or to the mall by myself will think I am a loser. It may not be bad for a grown man to go out alone, but for a high schooler?

Man, I dont know how I am going to be when summer school starts, im going to be needing alot of conditioning and extra confidence building work so that when I get there I can make a good impression from the start......

My mind is tired and I forgot eveything else I wanted to write so Ill just stop right now. Respond if you want to, if you don't I really dont give a f*ck because I have received enough sh*t from people on this site.

~1

 

[CrzyBadBoyDJ]

Dude, just listen to "Slayer - Angel of Death" and you'll go some balls really quick man. Trust me dude, it'll help!

 

[CrzyBadBoyDJ]

Go = Grow*

 

[wh01987]

i had a bad reputation i moved back here 2 years ago to this skool district here i was fine my rep got worse my life was same as urs but now ive gained more friends cuz i risked my pride and talked to people i dont know now i have some best friends for life and **** and now im starting to get better with the ladies nothing too special but its improving.. Longest relationship ive had in 2 years is 1 day but it ended becuase my shyness i didnt talk to her after she said yes to going out lol , Anonumus

 

[Boricua_33015]

I just dont know why the fvck I went around playing the violin to my "freinds". I am completely responsible for the reputation I have. I am the only one at fault. Its like I HAD to tell my whole life story to everyone, I was psychologically fvcked up. I felt everyone had to know about my hard times to see me as a person worthy enough to be freinds with them. I did this with everyone, AND with girls! There are 2 girls along with some of my freinds who know my darkest most tramatic secrets that I shouldve never ever mentioned. And I just spillt it out to them without even getting to know them for a while. Other girls dont know about them but they can see the way I carried myself earlier in the year and that made the first impressions.

After that freinds was thinkin they had the right to use these secrets to diss me. Whenever they started any dissing contests or f*ck with each other I would comeback at them and then they would come back at me with "I dont even have to come up with a comeback, your life makes up for it".

They would use my AFCness for their comebacks, like "ok I get pvssy and you dont". That was just one, there were others that were more insulting to me. All the sh*t they hit me with the were deepest most hardest hitting comebacks because it was all true what they said. So I kind of did take everything personal and "to the heart" because everything they said WAS true. I gave them the fuel to burn me. This got me REALLY MAD! These "freinds" used that to their advantage and constantly put me down with them. Thats why I had to ditch them, eventually getting into a fight with one because he just went too far.

But then again, its all my fault.

The only thing I can do is stay away from everyone who knows me currently and change myself and show everyone how bad ass I am when I come back. That will be my "comeback" to everything. Ill show them pvssies who not to fvck with. Ill show all the girls who they will WANT to fvck with!

No one has answered my question though. SO is it bad for a high schooler to go out by himself to the movies or the mall?

 

[wh01987]

i dunno im to shy and chicken **** to i try and go with friends well i go 2 the movies by myself

 

[drixsa]

Originally posted by Boricua_33015

I had typed up a whole damn essay just venting out but I decided to erase it to spare you guys one hell of a long post and a headache.

thank the lord, your posts can be worse than the dictionary




[/QUOTE]Since school ended about 3 week ago I have not socialized with anyone. Of couse online, but not in the real world. I just disappeared from everyone of my peer's lives. [/QUOTE]

dawg, what happened? i thought we set up ways for you to call other guys??

if you chickened out, then you know right where to begin


[/QUOTE]I am afraid to leave my house because of my horrible reputation (not a big repuation though, because I moved here 2 years ago). Everyone just has pity for me, and no respect (maybe some respect, but its out of pity because they feel sorry for me). I have built up this horrible reputation myself. I bet if a peer who knew me was asked what they think of me it would all be around the lines of "hes depressed" or "he has issues". This is because I have been a complainer, a whiner, a depressed kid, and everything that has to do with just negativity. Everyone in my family says I am a negative person and I have alot of raging anger inside of me. [/QUOTE]

if thats how you see yourself than YEA, no one is going to see you much differently, but have you even tried calling other dudes to hang out

[/QUOTE]Because of all this, I have become even more angry and depressed because I cant change things instantly. I have made some decisions for the summer so I can transform myself.

Yea this is all good but, all this lack of social contact is really hurting me. I think my shyness is becoming even more severe than it already is. All my hard earned social skills that I have learned throughout the previous year of high school are diminshing. I now have trouble saying "hi" to my neighbors. One of my neighbors though is my ex-oneitis, but I havent seen her since the last day of school. Glad I haven't because I think she is another one of my peers who thinks I have issues. Today I said hey to her dad and I said it in the most insecure, shakiest, low voice I ever had in a long time. My social immunity is diminshing and now I feel very vulnerable just stepping out of my house. So now I act cold with everyone. I always have been cold towards people, hence my nickname from a girl "IceMan", but now it is getting WORSE everyday.[/QUOTE]

its only some weird neighbor, whatever. you should force yourself to do master of the universe's boot camp

[/QUOTE]Is it bad to go out alone? I can probably ask my dad for a ride to go to the movies, but I would have to go by myself. But seeing how people are these days its all about status, and if anyone from school or just ANYONE sees me alone, going to the movies, or to the mall by myself will think I am a loser. It may not be bad for a grown man to go out alone, but for a high schooler?[/QUOTE]

i prefer blockbuster or what ever video store their is

but stop caring what others think of you DAMMIT.

as long as you care about status you will never be happy

you shouldnt care if your one-itis, your old friends, and every playmate see you by yourself.

[/QUOTE]My mind is tired and I forgot eveything else I wanted to write so Ill just stop right now. Respond if you want to, if you don't I really dont give a f*ck because I have received enough sh*t from people on this site.[/QUOTE]

man give yourself a reason to be tired

i love the working out, it does wonders for confidence

but set some goals...what ever happened to just taking a chance and calling some dudes??

 

[Titus]

Jesus sh*t allmighty Boricua, you sound like you are ready to tie the noose around your neck, or take a 45' and go postal! Man, you really are f*cked up!
Here's my 2 cents:

Your biggest problems:
Apprearently you had a breaking point somewhere in your past, when something happened which had hurt you bady and you didn't let go of it. Bad choice m'boy! Imagine seeing a crack in the wall that starts from being an a few inches big, to growing until it breaks down the whole wall... that's you. It all started out as something, small of big but in time it grew to the size of an elephant, as you can see now. But don't worry, it's not incurable. But to cure it, you need to understand it. You need to understand that you have been an idiot to have kept dwelling on it for so long. Yes, an idiot. Nail me to the cross if you want, but i have been there myself, where you are now. And i have been an idiot myself.
You need to recognize what is that that is gnawling on you. It's not what others think about you or your insecurity, those are only the side effects of your ilness. You need to root out the big mutha which has been f*cking you up all of this time.
I could go on and on, since i understand what causes situations like yours to become what they are and how they grow and how to cure them, but let me tell you, it's all your fault. You are the one who caused this to happen and why you are so depressed. I highly suggest you read a book, it's very small and short, called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz which will, hopefully, show you what a sorry excouse for living you really are. Let's just say you are forcing everything, and that is what you are doing wrong. Once you stop doing things for a purpose and once you realize WHY is is unimportant what people think of you (believe me, when you'll find out this one, you'll hit the roof of how could you have been so blind to even consider what others think of you) , you will be all set.
Trust me, you can do it, but far, FAR from the way you are trying right now.
Send me a PM, if you want anything else.

Good luck

 

[ranger655]

hey i know what your saying. i remember i got held back and that really hurt my reputation. i was afraid and shy i never wanted to talk to my old friends again that moved on. i just ignored everyone for a hole year. then 8th grade came by and i decided it was my year. and it was. i had a hot girlfriend and i had alot of friends i was lifting weights. my grades were good then i fell into drug use and it went all down hill. all the girls lost respect for me and i got into alot of trouble. i decided to move out and in with my dad. so i did. my advice is find something you can hold on to thats yours man that makes you unique and something you can be proud of. mine is weightlifting i started last year and its now my life. people respect me for it and i respect myself. some people hate me for it some people love me for it but all i care about is how i feel. so that could work

 

[Titus]

Originally posted by ranger655
my advice is find something you can hold on to thats yours man that makes you unique and something you can be proud of

Good advice in a wrong way. You should find something like that, yes, but if you are just doing it because of being unique and proud of it, then you are dead. But if you are doing it just because of doing it, just for the pure joy of it and nothing more, then you are on a good way.

 

[Ronny_Neumonic II]

Dude I really feel for ya. It reminds me of when I was 16...When I was 13/14/15 I had loads of friends and was always in demand if ya know what I mean, but when I was about 16 1/2 my friends started to get other friends and move on to other things. Of coarse I ended up with like just one good friend to hang with, and I started t get really depressed about it. Of coarse this was totally my fault as I didn't move on myself, I was too busy on the computer. I remember spending newyears at home like a loser when all the people I knew from school were out partying, and other times when I'd look at my cell phone, wishing that someone would ring me...
Then I decided to get myself out of this rut, and it wa sonly here that I realised how deep I had dug myself in. It took almost 4 months, but I finally started making new friends, and really I saw one of my main problems was that while I was friends with many people in school, I never really saw them outside of school. So I changed that and now most of my friends I know through school.

My best advice would be to hang in there and keep on working on yourself. If you were lookin for sumthin to do that would get you out there, you could do some charity work. Might sound gay or sumthin, but if ya think about it it would prob improve your rep and let you meet loads of new people. Because it's summer and you're not in school, you're really going to have to put effort into meeting new people, because you wont be surrounded involuntarily by loads of people your own age.

I really respect that you're improving yourself and all I can say is good luck !

 

[Ded_Skin_Mask13]

I think a lot of us in the HS level are having the same problems as you socializing and what not. Since you got a computer, there is tons of **** you can already do!!!!!!!!

Exercise
sleep
watch porn
listen to music(slayer-angel of death!!! how about getting the album instead(Reign in Blood)


I'm having a pretty frustrating summer as well, sometimes I feel like the rest of my days will be like this....but they won't!

forget what the people say. You say you've don't have respect from others? Well you have to respect yourself first, and from this post. You don't. Quit worrying about building reputations and stuff, because it won't truly make you happy.

 

[Boricua_33015]

Ranger, that was some good advice.

A year ago I used to write raps, Everyone thought they were really good. I remember when some of the illest freestylers I knew read my sh*t and started sweatin it and complimenting me on how good it was. But the only problem was I couldn't FREESTYLE off the top of my head. Not even by myself with no one around. They would take me into a crowd of poeple and say "yo we gotta freestyle, I want everyone to listen to this" but when it was my turn I couldn't do it. I just passd the mic to someone else. Because of that I got discouraged I became a pothead which even got me more lazy and I just stopped writing rhymes all together.

Then someone told me that the ability to freestyle isn't a skill that you are born with. You have to write A WHOLE LOT before you even start to think about freestyling off the top of the head. Me being the lazy **** that I am I thought it was too much work so I didn't continue writing rhymes.

Now I haven't written a rhyme in about a year.

Last nite I had the most vivid dream. Well, the first one was about my ex-onitis. She was in a group of 3 girls, and somehow she got into whoring and the other girls told me that if I do something for them they will let me f*ck my one-itis. Well, either way they let me. Now here's the weird part. I started undressin her and all, then I started kissing her. Then she THREW UP IN MY FVCKING MOUTH! I felt like **** afterwards and I woke up!

Yea that dream was weird, but the most important dream Im here to talk about is the one I had after that. Well, in one of the scenes I was smoking a blunt with a group of poeple and (get this) all of a sudden I started FREESTYLING! I spit 2 verses and everyone loved it! they were sweatin me like crazy!

This dream was probably a message or something but it definately got me thinking. Im going to write at least one full page rhyme everyday. I will develop the skills to freestyling. Ill see how far it goes.

 

[Ded_Skin_Mask13]

Disturbing and Explicit! I can imagine it! Having a girl regurgitate in my mouth!!! AHH YES!!! So then I would have the right to maul her face with my meat cleaver! and then really forcing her to regurgitate, and not only whatever she consumed, but also some of her vital organs.. AAAH YESS!!! The putrefaction reeks!


anyways..sorry about that nightmare! Keep freestyling man! If you're good at it, and actually relieves you of whatever frustration you maybe going through. Keep on with it!

 

[Boricua_33015]

slayer angel of death sounds like satanic music. but since I like rock also Ill download it, if I like it Ill hear the album.

 

[Boricua_33015]

Drixsa, I didnt chicken out. I dont have anyone's number. We talked about getting #s but I havent had a chance to get one yet. Ill have plenty of chances when summer school starts but it just doesn't until 2 weeks from now.

 

[drixsa]

Originally posted by Boricua_33015
Drixsa, I didnt chicken out. I dont have anyone's number. We talked about getting #s but I havent had a chance to get one yet. Ill have plenty of chances when summer school starts but it just doesn't until 2 weeks from now.

aight man keep workin

 

[abcd_z]

http://www.sosuave.com/ubb/Forum6/HTML/000185.html
I have nothing more to add.

 

[Boricua_33015]

I agree I was a loser during the school year. Right now because I am making an effort to change myself, I no longer think of myself as a loser.

This post was mostly identifying what the hell I did wrong during these 2 years that I lived here. To solve a problem, the first step is identifying it. I have thought alot on how to solve it though but my thinking hasn't given me much. That is why Im asking all of you for some help here.

 

[Boricua_33015]

I think i might go to the movies alone sometime this week. Its going to be different. I jsut hope I dont see anyone that knows me being alone to a see a movie. The movie theatres around this place get REALLY crowded with lines going all the way to the street and sh*t. People traveling in like 8 to 10 people groups. Its kind of intimidating to see everyone be in their own groups; bunch of thugs and gangstas together, big group of girls and ****. Then I come all by myself with no one to tag along with or to talk to while Im waiting in line to get the tickets, standing like a statue. I aint scared or anything, but its uncomfortable and intimidating.

And you know how people get to, they get brave and then they start to tease the lonely person and then as soon as you step up the whole crew backs them up and sh*t ready to whoop my ass. I havent had this happen much because I am pretty intimidating the way I look but Miami is not really a freindly place. Though the girls are easy and freindly if your are a pimp, but the guys aren't.

whatever, im going this week, if **** happens then sh*t happens. Ill try to avoid physical aggression but if I have to I have to. Sometimes when you are alone its hard not to get into some kind of conflict, people startin beef and acting all hard just because they have a crew and all, trying to intimidate people by doing crazy things, going around looking at people hard and provoking fights and sh*t. Ill usually brush it off but if Im in a bad mood would stand up to them and sooner or later I would have to back off because its 1 against many.

Maybe its just the area that I live in. Maybe even not, because I havent really gone out in this city by myself ever since I moved. But I expect it because before I moved here 2 years ago I used to live in a bad area.

I dont know, I gues Ill just have to see...