Is Wanting Love/Affection from Women is weakness?

[Maximummax]

Or something else.

 

[Clockwerk50]

You need to understand two things:

1. Men and women don’t love unconditionally. Love is always conditional and it is based on value, attraction, and emotional fulfillment. The idea of “unconditional love” only exists between parents and children. In adult relationships, love depends on what each person brings and how they make the other feel. When those conditions change, so do the emotions.

2. Seeking validation from women is weakness. It means your self-worth depends on external approval instead of inner standards. A man should draw validation from his competence, discipline, progress and not from how a woman reacts to him. The moment you rely on her approval, you lose influence. True confidence comes from being self-directed and not emotionally dependent.

 

[Divorced w 3]

You need to understand two things:

1. Men and women don’t love unconditionally. Love is always conditional and it is based on value, attraction, and emotional fulfillment. The idea of “unconditional love” only exists between parents and children. In adult relationships, love depends on what each person brings and how they make the other feel. When those conditions change, so do the emotions.

2. Seeking validation from women is weakness. It means your self-worth depends on external approval instead of inner standards. A man should draw validation from his competence, discipline, progress and not from how a woman reacts to him. The moment you rely on her approval, you lose influence. True confidence comes from being self-directed and not emotionally dependent.

Well said

 

[BaronOfHair]

No: We're social creatures, and thus naturally crave love and affection from our fellow humans. Things only go awry when we start relying EXCLUSIVELY on others for such things, even though we're the only individuals who are capable of loving ourselves unconditionally

 

[plumber]

You need to understand two things:

1. Men and women don’t love unconditionally. Love is always conditional and it is based on value, attraction, and emotional fulfillment. The idea of “unconditional love” only exists between parents and children. In adult relationships, love depends on what each person brings and how they make the other feel. When those conditions change, so do the emotions.

2. Seeking validation from women is weakness. It means your self-worth depends on external approval instead of inner standards. A man should draw validation from his competence, discipline, progress and not from how a woman reacts to him. The moment you rely on her approval, you lose influence. True confidence comes from being self-directed and not emotionally dependent.

Very good post. These simple truths are at the root of 80% of men's issues.

 

[zekko]

Wanting love and affection is fine, and natural. Needing it is where you run into trouble. And fooling yourself into thinking you need it from one particular woman can really get you into trouble.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Or something else.

Men who say they don’t want love and affection should just go to hookers.

 

[zekko]

Men who say they don’t want love and affection should just go to hookers.

Or get a blow up doll lol.

 

[BadBoy89]

Is Wanting Love/Affection from Women is weakness?

That’s like asking:

”Is Wanting a Bentley/Rolls Royce from a car dealership weakness?

 

[Manure Spherian]

2. Seeking validation from women is weakness. It means your self-worth depends on external approval instead of inner standards. A man should draw validation from his competence, discipline, progress and not from how a woman reacts to him. The moment you rely on her approval, you lose influence. True confidence comes from being self-directed and not emotionally dependent.

This has its limit. No matter how much good a man has in his life, he will feel like sh-t without a woman. And yes, we get validated by women. Have a man go womanless for more than a year or so, and we’ll see where confidence from what he’s good at goes.

Or something else.

Go without love and affection from a woman for a measly six months and see how it feels. Try to stay strong and confident, by being good at stuff.

 

[DJ Novice]

Depends if you miss the s*x, companionship or ego validation.

 

[jhonny9546]

The moment you rely on her approval, you lose influence. True confidence comes from being self-directed and not emotionally dependent.

EXCLUSIVELY

Let's say this is true, but you can't erase that fire you feel inside: you have to give, love, and make her feel loved.
If you're a genuinely kind person and have love for yourself, you'll start to feel that you have to give love to people.
Now, this seems more appropriate to me. You don't have to ask for it, but you have to show that being with her makes you feel that way.
(Squeezes, hugs, cuddles, kisses, holding her, smelling her, joking, etc)

Men and women don't love unconditionally

Because of this, people must keep things HONEST, have a focus on HONEST communication.
BeingHONEST with yourself first, then with people.

Wanting love and affection is fine, and natural. Needing it is where you run into trouble. And fooling yourself into thinking you need it from one particular woman can really get you into trouble.

None of us can deny though how it feels when both love and affection are in the equation.

 

[BaronOfHair]

...you have to give, love, and make her feel loved.

We don't HAVE to anything... Give love because and when you desire to do so

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Love and affection is a need in human interactions. Period. If you neglect to hold and touch a human infant? It will become despodent and die, even if the baby is being fed. Our attachment patterns (how we relate to and seek love & affection) are profoundly affected by how our parents loved us or neglected us from very early childhood.

Very young children who are neglected in the love/affection department by parents grow into insecure attachment style adults who carry a deep wound of feeling unlovable inside. These are people who seek to fill that wound by seeking (craving really) recognition, attention, validation & love from external sources.

Because these people are externally validated, and their sense of self and self esteem tied subconsciously to the opinions of others, they are insecure and nuerotic....they are still seeking after the parental love/affection that was denied to them....and they feel unlovable at their core as a result of parental neglect (emotional abandonment).

That is very different than a person who was raised with parental love and affection who grows up and into an adult who recieved parental love, learned self love, and feels worthy of and entitled to recieving love from others.

Securely attached people are internally validated, have self love, and self esteem arising from that self love.

Insecurely attached people tend to glom onto others and cling because they desperately want the love and affection that has always lacked in their lives. It is love bombing, jealousy, mercurial, suffocating.

Securely attached people are more selective and screen for healthy relationship dynamics that are less emotionally charged at the outset but deepen and grow over time.

So my question for OP is this? What was the attachment style that arose from your youth? Can you examine your past and see the patterns that emerge from it?

You can learn different/healthier attachment styles later in life, but reset of your subconscious default setting takes time, effort and repetition.

Take a look in the mirror and into your personal history. What do you see there?

 

[plumber]

Advice from the old lady:

Love and affection is a need in human interactions. Period. If you neglect to hold and touch a human infant? It will become despodent and die, even if the baby is being fed. Our attachment patterns (how we relate to and seek love & affection) are profoundly affected by how our parents loved us or neglected us from very early childhood.

Very young children who are neglected in the love/affection department by parents grow into insecure attachment style adults who carry a deep wound of feeling unlovable inside. These are people who seek to fill that wound by seeking (craving really) recognition, attention, validation & love from external sources.

Because these people are externally validated, and their sense of self and self esteem tied subconsciously to the opinions of others, they are insecure and nuerotic....they are still seeking after the parental love/affection that was denied to them....and they feel unlovable at their core as a result of parental neglect (emotional abandonment).

That is very different than a person who was raised with parental love and affection who grows up and into an adult who recieved parental love, learned self love, and feels worthy of and entitled to recieving love from others.

Securely attached people are internally validated, have self love, and self esteem arising from that self love.

Insecurely attached people tend to glom onto others and cling because they desperately want the love and affection that has always lacked in their lives. It is love bombing, jealousy, mercurial, suffocating.

Securely attached people are more selective and screen for healthy relationship dynamics that are less emotionally charged at the outset but deepen and grow over time.

So my question for OP is this? What was the attachment style that arose from your youth? Can you examine your past and see the patterns that emerge from it?

You can learn different/healthier attachment styles later in life, but reset of your subconscious default setting takes time, effort and repetition.

Take a look in the mirror and into your personal history. What do you see there?

this sounds reasonable and i think it is backed up by research data.

i like the post, my gripe is that its yet another of how it should be vs how to get to the right way. many posters will tell how it should be, but always leave out the part of how to get to that.

likely lots of men fall into the category your telling about. and it has exactly the negative effects suggested.

how to improve ?? What are 3 or 5 tactical things a man can do to improve from this situation? they need to be simple things that a man can do himself.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Take a look in the mirror and into your personal history. What do you see there?

Someone who can't resist the urge to break this out

, in the midst of church and mosque alike

I thus offer up hosannas to something I'm not sure exists, in gratitude for merely being excommunicated from the former, and never more than chased out of the latter by a dozen dudes named Mo, wielding the sharpest and most niftily crafted scimitars this side of Damascus

 

[BeExcellent]

this sounds reasonable and i think it is backed up by research data.

i like the post, my gripe is that its yet another of how it should be vs how to get to the right way. many posters will tell how it should be, but always leave out the part of how to get to that.

likely lots of men fall into the category your telling about. and it has exactly the negative effects suggested.

how to improve ?? What are 3 or 5 tactical things a man can do to improve from this situation? they need to be simple things that a man can do himself.

Bear in mind I am not a therapist, but I think many people have emotional problems arising out of attachment issues.

This is not a take two aspirin & some green tea and call back tomorrow sort of thing, so I am kind of shocked you expect a 'how to'.

None of us here can possibly know the detailed personal history of the individuals here. To think I or anyone can provide prescriptive advice is silly. You seem to be a sensible poster and I am surprised at your idea that somehow I can tell the OP or anyone else the how.

All I or anyone else can do (frankly including any therapist) is go by stated or observable outcomes. We cannot know the inputs driving those outcomes....but the OP knows. Other individuals with such issues know....and if they don't? They don't want to develop themselves or even be honest with themselves.

Let's say Stanley (a name I have made up for sake of example) is 35 and has never had a successful relationship. Let's say he has had 5 different girlfriends over his adult life, and lets say each girlfriend has left him over a domestic assault.

Looking in from the outside it is obvious that Stanley is the common denominator. None of the girlfriends know each other.

Lets also say Stanley consistently blames 'women' or others for his problems and refuses to accept any responsibility for his lack of success in relationships.

So there is a pattern of abhorrent behavior by Stanley, and yet a refusal by Stanley to acknowledge any responsibility for any of the legal issues he has been involved in, and all the girlfriends left him never to return as a direct result.

That is a rather extreme example, but it illustrates the core problem, which is lack of accountability and that derives from lack of desire for insight.

Stanley knows he was abusive to those women but will never allow himself to admit it, because he then has the existential crisis of being confirmed to himself by himself as a bad man. His fragile ego cannot handle that. And perhaps his father beat the crap out of him as a young man & made him feel insignificant, powerless, helpless and angry. Who knows.

So healing starts with a willingness to take responsibility for one's actions & circumstances, stop embracing victimhood (and the powerlessness that accompanies it), and a deep dive into one's individual history & whatever pain lurks there to find the root cause. From there is a process of healing, but this whole cascade requires stark honesty with one's self.

Many people simply will not undertake the painful road to healing. Nobody can make them take that road. Often the only way is if the pain of life in the here and now gets so bad that the pain of inner reflection is lesser, but as often as not people keep on with their false facade or check out rather than do the hard task of accepting responsibility, forgiving, letting go of anger and healing.

 

[plumber]

Bear in mind I am not a therapist, but I think many people have emotional problems arising out of attachment issues.

This is not a take two aspirin & some green tea and call back tomorrow sort of thing, so I am kind of shocked you expect a 'how to'.

None of us here can possibly know the detailed personal history of the individuals here. To think I or anyone can provide prescriptive advice is silly. You seem to be a sensible poster and I am surprised at your idea that somehow I can tell the OP or anyone else the how.

All I or anyone else can do (frankly including any therapist) is go by stated or observable outcomes. We cannot know the inputs driving those outcomes....but the OP knows. Other individuals with such issues know....and if they don't? They don't want to develop themselves or even be honest with themselves.

Let's say Stanley (a name I have made up for sake of example) is 35 and has never had a successful relationship. Let's say he has had 5 different girlfriends over his adult life, and lets say each girlfriend has left him over a domestic assault.

Looking in from the outside it is obvious that Stanley is the common denominator. None of the girlfriends know each other.

Lets also say Stanley consistently blames 'women' or others for his problems and refuses to accept any responsibility for his lack of success in relationships.

So there is a pattern of abhorrent behavior by Stanley, and yet a refusal by Stanley to acknowledge any responsibility for any of the legal issues he has been involved in, and all the girlfriends left him never to return as a direct result.

That is a rather extreme example, but it illustrates the core problem, which is lack of accountability and that derives from lack of desire for insight.

Stanley knows he was abusive to those women but will never allow himself to admit it, because he then has the existential crisis of being confirmed to himself by himself as a bad man. His fragile ego cannot handle that. And perhaps his father beat the crap out of him as a young man & made him feel insignificant, powerless, helpless and angry. Who knows.

So healing starts with a willingness to take responsibility for one's actions & circumstances, stop embracing victimhood (and the powerlessness that accompanies it), and a deep dive into one's individual history & whatever pain lurks there to find the root cause. From there is a process of healing, but this whole cascade requires stark honesty with one's self.

Many people simply will not undertake the painful road to healing. Nobody can make them take that road. Often the only way is if the pain of life in the here and now gets so bad that the pain of inner reflection is lesser, but as often as not people keep on with their false facade or check out rather than do the hard task of accepting responsibility, forgiving, letting go of anger and healing.

thanks for the try. your right, we can not know. but we can try.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

Its not a weakness as long as you are able to take care of yourself, her and all your needs like a man.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Needing it is a weakness.

Wanting it is simply being human.