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Is my gf co-dependent on her friend and vice-versa

iwantyou2424

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I've been in a relationship for almost a year now, and to say the least its been slightly rocky until recently, but every argument we have had up until now was about a friend of hers, which is her gay best friend. This is a bit of a long one but I need some advice...I want to trust things have changed but I'm worried about it going back to normal...

A bit of back story when I got together with her, it took around 3 months before she mentioned the guy being her best friend or much about him, eventually she told me more about him, that they used to live together, that he was gay, how when she wasn't meeting up with me she was over at his most evenings have sleepovers, how she would shower at his every time she went, he then strangely always would after as well and they would sleep in the same bed. I wasn't exactly comfortable with it...especially when she changed from they keep apart in bed to actually he has her hand over her waist when they sleep. This was only after 3 months of being together and she was doing it while we were together still.

Time went on and I said I felt uncomfortable with the sleeping in same bed part, regardless of who it was, gender, sexuality, I'd feel the same. It caused a massive argument as she wasn't happy about the idea of not sleeping in the same bed as him...eventually she understood it was simply me not feeling comfortable and I'd be fine if she just slept elsewhere.

At this point I was OK with the situation, happy and had no issues...that's where it went down hill...a short while after, I met him for the first time and the first meeting he came round and he sat down didn't even look at me and said to her "would you still be up for being impregnated, I want a child" I was like what the hell, it was very disrespectful, especially with me being in a relationship with her...it affects everything. She then panicked and had explain quickly that she was meant to be a surrogate, but wanted kids with me now instead. He didn't look all too happy to be fair. It annoyed me the most how he walked past me, didn't acknowledge I was in the room or part of the relationship, didn't look me in the eyes and just ignored me flat out

Second meeting, things were going well and then he started showing sexual meme images on his phone...and things, after he left I said I wasn't exactly comfortable with it...and then my gf said its not that bad all gay guys do it, and said about him trying to show her a sex tape of himself one time...that didn't make me feel better, she said she would speak to him about me feeling uncomfortable.

Third meeting, he came round started speaking about threesomes, said all men wants them, that I'm not any different...when she said but that's not true...he said girl it is, your bf is exactly the same. She actually came and spoke to me about it...and asked me if I wanted one..I felt untrusted..that caused some issues...she said she would speak to him again...

Fourth meeting, we just came back from holiday and first thing he wanted to do was get drunk, have a sleepover and he said cuddle her and watch movies together..
I was like a bit taken back but in the end he came round for another coffee...Once again he started with sexual things, somehow spoke about the time he sucked off my gfs flatmate, while she was in the other room and could hear it...gave her all the details, then went on to say how he left her in a coffee shop once to go suck a guy in the park...

After four times and nothing changing, I was like I'm not comfortable with this sexual talking all the time...I spoke to her and she said she didn't speak to him as she didn't want to upset him and his feelings...i was like OK...what about mine? Same with the not sleeping in same bed, she didn't speak to him about it as she didn't want to upset him...there were also small things throughout this time such as he would video call a ridiculous amount of time...when we were together and would be upset if she didn't pick up...she would think she was a bad friend so would pick up...and this would be in times which we were spending together as a couple or on days out...they were pretty much texting daily with "love you", "my love", "love you more!!" His main fb page is just of him and her holding hands, if people didn't know them...you would think they were a couple

Lastly the thing which kicked off the biggest argument of all was when, my mum had just split up with her partner of 18 years, she has 3 kids and social services were involved, it could have been possibly the last time I could have seen then (luckily it hasn't been the case) and we had planned to go see them and I asked if she would come along and she said yes, we had it all planned. I was feeling terrible and worried, Saturday comes and I drop her to her nail appointment, I get a message and she says her friend is in the area and that they are going to grab a coffee...I was like its late already but OK...Next second she messages me and says she won't make it back in time now and is sorry, short while later she is having dinner at his and says that she felt bad that her friend was having issue with his mom and its terrible (he has issues every week almost with her), I was sat by myself in the car crying, wondering if I'll see my siblings or not again...it caused a big argument, probably the biggest one yet.

So we had an entire month, where she cut back from seeing the friend for a while, well didn't see him at all, still spoke but also cut back on taking his calls when he wanted, he rang 5 times 4 days in a row one week, she gave up at one point...turned off the tv, the light, left me in a pitch black room, closed the door and went to speak to him
.... after that though, she apologised realised she was wrong and then we travelled, she saw her other friends, it's been the best time of our relationship if I'm honest, we haven't argued, things are perfect. She even said it herself, this is the closest we have been. It's been about 1 month and a half, and things are literally perfect now.

My fear however is that...she of course just can't cut out her friend forever and I would never ask that, but when we have been talking about her going to see him again and things...its already changed to him saying about getting drunk and having a sleepover...is getting upset when she says she is busy (when she actually has work or something), is asking questions of why she is busy the other days, saying don't worry about spending time with your bf and is back to almost phoning every day to complain about his job, the world or his mum...and I'm worried it will go back to that again.

He has a bf of his own, in all the time, I've never been invited out as a couple, he only hasn't like the pictures of me and my gf on social media and I can tell he doesn't exactly like me.

we spoke more in the end and during living together what she failed to tell me till now was that she was basically acting as his mother and spent a year and a half where he was in an abusive relationship, where he would come back daily complaining to her, crying and she would hug him, cook him meals, basically act as a mother as his mother isn't actually there for him at all and treats him like crap. She was worried for a whole year where she would answer instantly his calls, be at his beck and call as she thought he was going to die or get beaten again by his ex. He would then go to her for emotional support and be the only one there for emotional support for a year and a half. start of the relationship when she would go round it was always when something happened, and he always made it dramatic and only went to her as he was used to it and she would always go running or most of the sleepovers were because something happened or he had a bad day and would end up crying and she would have to comfort him kind of like a child. She admitted that till now she always worried if he will be there, worries 24/7 if something will happen and didn't realise how much its actually affecting everything...she also didn't realise how dependent they were on each other and how unhealthy it was and with the last month, has realised she needs to focus on herself that she isn't his mother but his friend and that I was right...he can manage on his own, and he has his partner to go to now, he shouldn't be relying on her for emotional support 24/7 it's not healthy for him either and that he has easily managed to sort things out himself and started speaking more to his partner than relying on her without any issues at all. She acknowledged it and even agreed to not see him for a good good few months to get rid of that dependency, but all the fights and things all make sense now. Even the part of not really acknowledging me and some of the situations. Basically to him I've come in and taken away his only emotional support person which would be at his beck and call, going to act out in the way that he has, even if it's petty and uncalled for from his side.

I'm wondering if I'm overthinking or is this actually a case of co-depency?
 

Jake_Gyllenhaal69

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I'm not reading all of that, but if a woman is co-dependent on her friends than that's a bad sign. Her friends can be your worst enemy and convince her that she can do better and etc.
 

Macadellic

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A bit of back story when I got together with her, it took around 3 months before she mentioned the guy being her best friend or much about him
I would have ended things right then and there.

OP,
There’s a reason why she waited three months to tell you about this guy and look at how worse it got.
 

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Jake_Gyllenhaal69

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t took around 3 months before she mentioned the guy being her best friend or much about him, eventually she told me more about him, that they used to live together, that he was gay, how when she wasn't meeting up with me she was over at his most evenings have sleepovers, how she would shower at his every time she went, he then strangely always would after as well and they would sleep in the same bed.
I made a topic about "Her Friends" and I will try and find it, but the Gay Best Friend is the most toxic friend out of all of them.

(146) The Types of Male Friends your girl has | SoSuave Discussion Forum

The Gay Best Friend is a huge red flag and should not be disregarded
 
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iwantyou2424

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Didn't realise I got so many replies. Thank you for all of them, its kind of escalated since then. Wondering if I should say something to the guy.

The guy screwed himself over, her birthday was the other day and she said can we leave the arguing and just get along for the weekend so she can invite multiple friends. I said I'm OK to do that I'll give an exception, I know the guy doesn't like me due to his past actions and other stuff and I've been nice inviting him out with us. So she goes to invite him and his partner to her birthday, I said that he won't go because I'm there, he made an excuse and not a very good one, then tried to make it a week day for 1 hour by just them...I was like there we go, she said maybe it just is that he is busy, I went nope, he just doesn't want to come out with me there. I said ask him to go out next weekend and don't mention me, suddenly he's going to his mums as always, but said he could possibly do it. She mentions me and suddenly his mind has changed. He then comes up with a crappy excuse saying he doesn't want to come as he says I hate him. She is like he keeps inviting you out places, he doesn't hate you, now can you stop and will you come along? He goes silent and ignored her entirely, she texts about another thing and he replies, which annoys her more as he ignored the question. So she asks him again, he suddenly comes back and says the last time you two argued, as we had a small argument regarding the situation of her going out and me needing someone at a tough time. He said your your bf hates me, your bf talked crap about me and said things about me, I'll come along and act civil only for you. She finally realised when the penny dropped that I was right all this time...had a massive go at him, said I never said anything of the sort and she would remember and she has told him before, that how dare he treat her bf like that and if he wants to stay in her life he needs to start respecting me and not be an a**hole, the guy put himself in it

He basically, accused me of saying something luckily my gf was with me at that time, said he didn't act civil because of it and was being a d**k because of it, even when she said that's not the case he still was like ill act civil just for you. Didn't take her word that I didn't say anything, and hasn't actually bothered to say sorry. Even missed her birthday and blamed it on not being able to be civil with me.
 

jimwho

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This whole thing reads like a theatrical drama that tanked at the box office. If any of this is true, dump everyone and get on with your life. But this time lose any incessant theatrical mind numbing useless drama that threatens to suuuck the
Life out of you.
 

iwantyou2424

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This whole thing reads like a theatrical drama that tanked at the box office. If any of this is true, dump everyone and get on with your life. But this time lose any incessant theatrical mind numbing useless drama that threatens to suuuck the
Life out of you.
Yep it's true, I posted an update earlier. And really got taken back by the fact that he accused me of saying I said something I didn't and saying he has to be the one to act civil with me...

You are right though it's affecting me a hell of a lot and I need to walk away...
 

jimwho

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Yep it's true, I posted an update earlier.
Didn't read the updated version. It's unnecessary. Hope that resonates with you. Ok since it's not a troll post then read your own post five times, and if you don't put a gun to your head then maybe you will see the light and abort all these idiots no matter how good the stupid vagina is. My senses tell me you are a large part of the drudgery. Hope I'm wrong.
 

iwantyou2424

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Didn't read the updated version. It's unnecessary. Hope that resonates with you. Ok since it's not a troll post then read your own post five times, and if you don't put a gun to your head then maybe you will see the light and abort all these idiots no matter how good the stupid vagina is. My senses tell me you are a large part of the drudgery. Hope I'm wrong.
Honestly, haven't really done much my side apart from be nice to the guy...say I was uncomfortable with the sexual thing, never said I hated or was upset and carried on with life as normal and the small thing about her not being there for me when I needed it. I can safely say I haven't really done anything or caused any of the drudgery. I've been letting it slide till now or saying well why don't we invite him out, why don't we try, OK I'll leave it in the past and things. The last few weeks with seeing all her other friends and cutting him out things have been perfect. It's only very recently now when he came back.

But yep I've read it back 5 times...and I'm surprised I haven't run a mile...
 

DonQuixote

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which is her gay best friend
I don't bother to read more after this. Faggots go always both ways. It is a modern myth that they are exclusively a one-way-street. The fact that your girlfriend assoicates with these sub-humans is a major red flag. Probably caught AIDS or she will soon.
 

iwantyou2424

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I didn't realise till recently how dysfunctional it is, at the same time she messaged him further about why he didn't come to her birthday recently and finally believes me that he is causing a lot of drama on purpose/not including me in things.

His reply was about me saying something about him. Which she was with me, so told him that wasn't true. His reply was to say hmm but I remember it that way. When she told him no again and when she said I was making an effort including inviting him out. He ignored it....and changed the subject. But originally tried to make it that he didn't want to see her and hasn't been nice due to not liking me. Which he had been lying to her all this time till now about.

She said she needs to speak to him about him disliking me...he didn't even disagree with it...just said ok.

So after we spoke, she apologised and said I'm so sorry I can't believe he has been acting that way with you, you must have been feeling helpless for a while...I can't believe he lied to me about not liking you...I can't believe he has been so petty to not meet up at all, she then went on about how she has always been there for him, wouldn't do the same to him and how she notices she has to keep changing dates and he doesn't even try anymore and couldn't be bothered to try for her birthday.

So she is off tomorrow to have a coffee with him, tell him that she feels like he isn't being a friend at all recently, ask him why he can't be bothered to take time recently to see her just because she stopped listening to his crap and then tell him either he accepts me as her bf and starts respecting me or their friendship is going to end
 

DonQuixote

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I didn't realise till recently how dysfunctional it is, at the same time she messaged him further about why he didn't come to her birthday recently and finally believes me that he is causing a lot of drama on purpose/not including me in things.

His reply was about me saying something about him. Which she was with me, so told him that wasn't true. His reply was to say hmm but I remember it that way. When she told him no again and when she said I was making an effort including inviting him out. He ignored it....and changed the subject. But originally tried to make it that he didn't want to see her and hasn't been nice due to not liking me. Which he had been lying to her all this time till now about.

She said she needs to speak to him about him disliking me...he didn't even disagree with it...just said ok.

So after we spoke, she apologised and said I'm so sorry I can't believe he has been acting that way with you, you must have been feeling helpless for a while...I can't believe he lied to me about not liking you...I can't believe he has been so petty to not meet up at all, she then went on about how she has always been there for him, wouldn't do the same to him and how she notices she has to keep changing dates and he doesn't even try anymore and couldn't be bothered to try for her birthday.

So she is off tomorrow to have a coffee with him, tell him that she feels like he isn't being a friend at all recently, ask him why he can't be bothered to take time recently to see her just because she stopped listening to his crap and then tell him either he accepts me as her bf and starts respecting me or their friendship is going to end
You fell into her frame hard. Now she meets the faggot again. Enjoy your AIDS. The fact that you care this much instead of beating this faggot up is beyond me. He will probably like it and not call the cops on you.
 

iwantyou2424

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I would have ended things right then and there.

OP,
There’s a reason why she waited three months to tell you about this guy and look at how worse it got.
She cut him off fully last night, told her that I would rather she settle things with him over the phone. She messaged saying he needed to apologise to me for treating me a bad way and it wasn't on and for being a crap friend to her. He came back with some crap about me saying something again, turned out me and her argued on the phone, while he was next to her he listened in and took on his own accord that I said something about him. she said I already told you it didn't happen and that argument had nothing to do with you and was an argument between me and my bf. He came back with ok well it was a misunderstanding then but I have nothing to apologise for. She said you've treated my bf badly, treated me badly and you can't apologise for a misunderstanding, you've caused issues in our relationship over a misunderstaning over something that he got wrong and kept assuring her that he did like me before coming out and admitting he hadn't. He said I'm not going to be blamed for your relationship issues, I'm the one who deserves an apology from you and your bf for causing issues with your argument you had and I think I have to rethink our whole friendship (tried to make himself out as the victim and said he was waiting for her and me to apologise) she realised tonight he wasn't a friend, that he actually didn't like me, is selfish etc. and finally cut him off without a second thought, it's finally over. But my god the guy is a piece of work, never met someone so selfish and toxic
 

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iwantyou2424

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Lets hope thats the end of it. Keep us posted if there´s an update.
Will do, but I believe that is it. I had to get her to agree that if he comes back we just can't continue because I don't deserve that and im not going to keep looking over my back. She agreed and gave me her word, so unless she breaks that, nothing more to worry about. Someone mentioned a term called DARVO, which is exactly what he tried to do at the end.

Thank you everyone for the comments and support
 

iwantyou2424

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Lets hope thats the end of it. Keep us posted if there´s an update.
Didn't think I'd come back so soon, after she cut off her friend. She told me about an incident with the gay friends ex, where they would always argue and his ex accused him of cheating with her. Originally I thought it was co-depency but now I'm questioning as well...

I'm wondering if her friend actually had feelings or something, I mean he got really needy and jealous over me and her. I get his ex's point as to why he would actually think something was going on. She told me about it and said she told me as she didn't want me to think something was going on because nothing ever happened or ever would, but told me like 7 times over and over. Not sure why anyone would try and justify it if nothing happened.

Should I question it further or am I just being paranoid at this point?
 

DonQuixote

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You did not take my posts seriously and this is what you get. It is like pottery, it rhymes.
 

Dr.Suave

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Didn't think I'd come back so soon, after she cut off her friend. She told me about an incident with the gay friends ex, where they would always argue and his ex accused him of cheating with her. Originally I thought it was co-depency but now I'm questioning as well...

I'm wondering if her friend actually had feelings or something, I mean he got really needy and jealous over me and her. I get his ex's point as to why he would actually think something was going on. She told me about it and said she told me as she didn't want me to think something was going on because nothing ever happened or ever would, but told me like 7 times over and over. Not sure why anyone would try and justify it if nothing happened.

Should I question it further or am I just being paranoid at this point?
I dont see the point in questioning her, but if your gut is telling you somethings not adding up......I stick by my original post bro, it´s time to jump ship and pull a younger/hotter girl.
 
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