Is it possible for one event to drastically impact the course of a man's dating/sex life?

[GoodMan32]

There's a reason I'm asking. I'm beginning to suspect if one thing (which I haven't discussed on the forum a whole lot) went differently in my past, I'd be a drastically different man (in terms of my success with the ladies)

Before I share more though, I'd like to get a general consensus on whether one event can drastically impact a man's success romantically/sexually.

 

[The Duke]

I imagine if I tripped and fell getting my schlong caught in a bear trap then I probably wouldn't care about the ladies.

 

[SW15]

Many of the one event occurrences that could alter it would alter it negatively. My first thought was getting disfigured / sustaining significant long term injuries in an automobile or motorcycle accident. @The Duke gave a negative example along the same lines as that but in a more humorous fashion.

Winning a substantial fortune in a lottery could make things better.

 

[GoodMan32]

I might as well elaborate on the personal example I have in mind.

My 3rd year of high school, I began chatting with a girl a grade behind me (and from what I can remember, I wanna say she was the initiator). We'll call her blondie.

Blondie found me funny (we talked a lot on AIM...I'm aging ourselves with the AIM reference). I'd flirt with her in the gymasium/hallway after school. There was even one time when a compliment I made about her looks came out cringeworthy, yet she let it slide.

In retrospect, she showed way more IOIs than anyone I had previously asked out. Yet I never asked blondie out. Because after getting rejected every single time up until that point, I came to expect rejection (in other words, I assumed blondie would reject me, so I didn't even bother asking).

Looking back, chances are blondie would have accepted my askout.

Had I asked her out, and had she accepted, do I think we'd still be a couple? Absolutely not.

But had I gotten a successful askout from her, we likely would have at least dated until I went away to college.

Additionally, dating her likely would have given me a confidence boost that would have carried me through life.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Vaccinations causing autism

 

[GoodMan32]

Vaccinations causing autism

Vaccines don't cause autism.

And even if they did, my counselor summed it up perfectly. My counselor said "When parents refuse to vaccinate their kids because of the false idea vaccines cause autism, it's like the parent is saying they'd rather have their kid die of a deadly disease than be autistic" (which is incredibly insulting toward the autistic community)

 

[SW15]

dating her likely would have given me a confidence boost that would have carried me through life.

You feel like you lacked that initial spark to build upon with your dating life. It's an understandable feeling.

My 3rd year of high school, I began chatting with a girl a grade behind me (and from what I can remember, I wanna say she was the initiator). We'll call her blondie.

Blondie found me funny (we talked a lot on AIM...I'm aging ourselves with the AIM reference). I'd flirt with her in the gymasium/hallway after school. There was even one time when a compliment I made about her looks came out cringeworthy, yet she let it slide.

In retrospect, she showed way more IOIs than anyone I had previously asked out. Yet I never asked blondie out. Because after getting rejected every single time up until that point, I came to expect rejection (in other words, I assumed blondie would reject me, so I didn't even bother asking).

Looking back, chances are blondie would have accepted my askout.

While I think it is possible to have one incident alter an experience in the mating environment, this would not qualify as that type of incident.

 

[Clockwerk50]

“It’s water under the bridge.” According to the Cambridge Dictionary, this means problems someone has had in the past that they no longer worry about because they happened a long time ago and can’t be changed.

I keep advising everyone to read Psycho-Cybernetics. If you don’t have time to read the whole book, at least read Chapter 10: “How to Remove Emotional Scars, or How to Give Yourself an Emotional Face-Lift.”

I found this summary from the book on LinkedIn in what to do to remove this emotional “scars” and better yourself. Please see below. If you need more information I suggest read the chapter.

“Dr. Maltz introduces practical techniques to remove emotional scars and give oneself an "emotional face-lift." He suggests using visualisation and mental imagery to revisit the painful memories and reinterpret them in a positive light. This process, referred to as "creative re-remembering," allows people to gain new perspectives on their past experiences and gradually release the emotional hold they have on them.

The following rules can help to immunise yourself against future emotional scars:

1. Be too big to feel threatened. Build a healthy, strong ego with plenty of self-esteem. Not egotistical but know who you are and be at peace with it.
2. A self-reliant, responsible attitude. This makes you less vulnerable as you rely less on others for your needs. No one is responsible for your life and your feelings but you. So take responsibility and rely on yourself.
3. Relax away emotional hurts. We are more prone to emotional hurts when we take it personally because we are already feeling down. For example; You ‘wake up on the wrong side of the bed’, stub your toe, spill the milk and get toothpaste down your shirt before even leaving the house. Once at work, you then take even the smallest joking comment as an insult! BUT, it is our response and attitude to something that causes the hurt. It is a choice to react or stay calm and relaxed. We have to DO something (react) to feel hurt!”

Psycho-Cybernetics Chapter 10 - How To Remove Emotional Scars, Or How To Give Yourself An Emotional Face-Lift

"Psycho-Cybernetics" by plastic surgeon Dr. Maxwell Maltz in 1960, is a groundbreaking self-help book that explores the power of the mind and its ability to shape our lives.

www.linkedin.com

 

[BPH]

I think a traumatic experience can certainly lead to improvements with dating, because it gives you a reality check where you realize that women can be just as terrible as anyone else - and that takes them off of whatever pedestal you might've had them on.

Story time...

My first serious girlfriend was one I met during my senior year of college while she was still a sophomore, I think (maybe a junior). When the summer came around, I invited her to visit me for a few days during my annual beach vacation with my family. We had a great time, and when I brought her back to Delaware so she could get a ride back to New York (where she's from), we mutually agreed that despite the distance, we would try to make this work.

For a few months, things were good. I visited her a few times, and they were always good experiences.

Then summer ended, and she resumed school in New York, rather than in Delaware, where I met her. She made new friends, including a guy who would try to make moves on her despite knowing she was dating me. She told me he would try to dance with her, and she would always push him away. I asked if I needed to intervene, and she told me she would handle it.

One night, she stopped texting me way earlier than usual, telling me she was drunk. Didn't hear from her the rest of the night. In the morning, she called me sobbing, telling me she had cheated on me and that she was so sorry. I didn't know how to process that, so I hung up shortly after. I called her back later, and she was now mad at me because now she was telling me she was r**ed, but blamed herself, and was upset at me not being able to see that. She hated that I'm at such a distance that I couldn't be there for her, and thought it best we break up.

She'd had some previous trauma that she blamed herself for, so I was inclined to believe her. I tried calling her back and pleading with her to let me drive up and be with her to help her through this, but she didn't want to talk to me or see me, having already blocked me on all social media.

We said our goodbyes, and that was it. For the next month or 2, I was very depressed because I was now blaming myself for something terrible that happened to somebody I loved, because I was long distance and couldn't be there for her or prevent it from happening.

Then I learned the truth...

See, she had blocked me on all social media, as well as my phone number, but I had a female friend who followed her when we started dating, and she was telling me what she was posting. Bikini photos, workout videos in tight gym clothes - not exactly what a recent r**e victim would be posting. Then she posted a picture with a guy, I asked if he was tagged. Turns out, it was the guy she told me she would "handle".

Depression turned to rage. I wrote a very long and detailed letter to her parents about the sh** their daughter's been doing that they didn't know about (beyond what she did to me) and planned to mail it to them. I also meticulously planned how I might make a surprise appearance and ruin the guy's day, in such detail to avoid leaving any trace I was there. I ended up doing neither of those things.

One night in March several years ago, at like 3 AM, she texts me from a new number, confessing the truth. She was probably expecting me to be asleep at that hour. Instead, I told her my friend had been a follower of hers the whole time and had told me everything. I cursed her out, blocked her number, and never thought of her again.

From this experience, I lost my ability to fully trust most people. I'll trust close friends and lovers to some extent, but no longer fully, with everything. I think this made me much better with women, in certain ways, because I was no longer looking at them through rose-tinted lenses, and experienced firsthand the kind of mental manipulation they're capable of.

What you experienced wasn't a dramatic event or trauma...you just wimped out on shooting your shot with 1 girl...

 

[Mike32ct]

Yes, a single event can significantly alter a guy’s dating trajectory. But this sounds more like a missed opportunity in a social circle, specifically a school one. Those are quite common.

Don’t worry. 10 or 20+ years later, a friend (male or female) from that social circle will finally tell you “Dude, you should have gone for XYZ chick back in the day. She was so into you back then. Everybody knew she had the biggest crush on you.”

They will never give you timely, actionable intel (for reasons beyond the scope of my post). Instead, they wait many years until it’s “declassified” lol.

That’s why it’s so important for men to make mistakes early and learn to read IOIs themselves
as soon as possible.

 

[Fortune_favors_the_bold]

One single event cant do much unless it's something either very deep and with long term conseguences.

What may happen is getting continuous evens that shape your reality or confirm your vision like for example getting rejected regularly as you say or for a kid being told from teachers and parents that he is dumb.

 

[pipeman84]

And even if they did, my counselor summed it up perfectly. My counselor said "When parents refuse to vaccinate their kids because of the false idea vaccines cause autism, it's like the parent is saying they'd rather have their kid die of a deadly disease than be autistic" (which is incredibly insulting toward the autistic community)

That counsellor is some piece of work. I'm sure he or she is the kind that would argue that a real man should step up and date a single mom.
Truth of the matter is, the parents don't think the diseases are deadly and/or that the vaccine protects against them. They also look at the vaccine schedule when they were babies vs now and autism rates then and now and they're like: this doesn't make sense.
It's not as simplistic as that weasel counsellor presented it to you.

As to the topic, I believe so, if it's gross physical injury or some real traumatic event like the death of a high school sweetheart.

 

[CoolWave1331]

Of course, any sort of trauma is enough to knock you off course and change the trajectory of your dating life.

I'm not even talking about an extreme example like paralysis from a car accident - but let's say you suffer a deeply embarrassing and humiliating rejection - that can be enough to destroy your confidence nd make you awkward/hesitant around women. Something like that happened to me as a kid - I liked some girl and I got outed; she found out and went "EWWWW" in front of the whole class and everyone laughed. LOL it sucked and for the longest time I told myself will never happen again and became kind of silent/stone cold around women through teenage years. Refused to be the first to show "Feelings" but I eventually got over it.

This doesn't pertain to dating, but listen to some of the complaints older people have. If they say they weren't able to reach their potential a lot of times it's because of some (in the big scheme of things) minor incident that happened a million years ago they never let go of. They made their lifes story and stayed in the same place.

 

[The Duke]

I think a traumatic experience can certainly lead to improvements with dating, because it gives you a reality check where you realize that women can be just as terrible as anyone else - and that takes them off of whatever pedestal you might've had them on.

Story time...

My first serious girlfriend was one I met during my senior year of college while she was still a sophomore, I think (maybe a junior). When the summer came around, I invited her to visit me for a few days during my annual beach vacation with my family. We had a great time, and when I brought her back to Delaware so she could get a ride back to New York (where she's from), we mutually agreed that despite the distance, we would try to make this work.

For a few months, things were good. I visited her a few times, and they were always good experiences.

Then summer ended, and she resumed school in New York, rather than in Delaware, where I met her. She made new friends, including a guy who would try to make moves on her despite knowing she was dating me. She told me he would try to dance with her, and she would always push him away. I asked if I needed to intervene, and she told me she would handle it.

One night, she stopped texting me way earlier than usual, telling me she was drunk. Didn't hear from her the rest of the night. In the morning, she called me sobbing, telling me she had cheated on me and that she was so sorry. I didn't know how to process that, so I hung up shortly after. I called her back later, and she was now mad at me because now she was telling me she was r**ed, but blamed herself, and was upset at me not being able to see that. She hated that I'm at such a distance that I couldn't be there for her, and thought it best we break up.

She'd had some previous trauma that she blamed herself for, so I was inclined to believe her. I tried calling her back and pleading with her to let me drive up and be with her to help her through this, but she didn't want to talk to me or see me, having already blocked me on all social media.

We said our goodbyes, and that was it. For the next month or 2, I was very depressed because I was now blaming myself for something terrible that happened to somebody I loved, because I was long distance and couldn't be there for her or prevent it from happening.

Then I learned the truth...

See, she had blocked me on all social media, as well as my phone number, but I had a female friend who followed her when we started dating, and she was telling me what she was posting. Bikini photos, workout videos in tight gym clothes - not exactly what a recent r**e victim would be posting. Then she posted a picture with a guy, I asked if he was tagged. Turns out, it was the guy she told me she would "handle".

Depression turned to rage. I wrote a very long and detailed letter to her parents about the sh** their daughter's been doing that they didn't know about (beyond what she did to me) and planned to mail it to them. I also meticulously planned how I might make a surprise appearance and ruin the guy's day, in such detail to avoid leaving any trace I was there. I ended up doing neither of those things.

One night in March several years ago, at like 3 AM, she texts me from a new number, confessing the truth. She was probably expecting me to be asleep at that hour. Instead, I told her my friend had been a follower of hers the whole time and had told me everything. I cursed her out, blocked her number, and never thought of her again.

From this experience, I lost my ability to fully trust most people. I'll trust close friends and lovers to some extent, but no longer fully, with everything. I think this made me much better with women, in certain ways, because I was no longer looking at them through rose-tinted lenses, and experienced firsthand the kind of mental manipulation they're capable of.

What you experienced wasn't a dramatic event or trauma...you just wimped out on shooting your shot with 1 girl...

Like I always say, women are the greatest, most natural game players/actors there are. How your story played out is very common female behavior. Its why I would never marry one.

 

[GoodMan32]

You feel like you lacked that initial spark to build upon with your dating life. It's an understandable feeling.



While I think it is possible to have one incident alter an experience in the mating environment, this would not qualify as that type of incident.

What makes you say my example doesn't qualify?

Isn't it a valid hypothesis that I might have ended up more confident with the ladies had I dated blondie in high school? And as a result of my confidence, I wouldn't have grown up to be so timid about shooting my shot?

There's no telling how many opportunities I've missed in college/post-college because I was afraid to shoot my shot.

I think a traumatic experience can certainly lead to improvements with dating, because it gives you a reality check where you realize that women can be just as terrible as anyone else - and that takes them off of whatever pedestal you might've had them on.

Story time...

My first serious girlfriend was one I met during my senior year of college while she was still a sophomore, I think (maybe a junior). When the summer came around, I invited her to visit me for a few days during my annual beach vacation with my family. We had a great time, and when I brought her back to Delaware so she could get a ride back to New York (where she's from), we mutually agreed that despite the distance, we would try to make this work.

For a few months, things were good. I visited her a few times, and they were always good experiences.

Then summer ended, and she resumed school in New York, rather than in Delaware, where I met her. She made new friends, including a guy who would try to make moves on her despite knowing she was dating me. She told me he would try to dance with her, and she would always push him away. I asked if I needed to intervene, and she told me she would handle it.

One night, she stopped texting me way earlier than usual, telling me she was drunk. Didn't hear from her the rest of the night. In the morning, she called me sobbing, telling me she had cheated on me and that she was so sorry. I didn't know how to process that, so I hung up shortly after. I called her back later, and she was now mad at me because now she was telling me she was r**ed, but blamed herself, and was upset at me not being able to see that. She hated that I'm at such a distance that I couldn't be there for her, and thought it best we break up.

She'd had some previous trauma that she blamed herself for, so I was inclined to believe her. I tried calling her back and pleading with her to let me drive up and be with her to help her through this, but she didn't want to talk to me or see me, having already blocked me on all social media.

We said our goodbyes, and that was it. For the next month or 2, I was very depressed because I was now blaming myself for something terrible that happened to somebody I loved, because I was long distance and couldn't be there for her or prevent it from happening.

Then I learned the truth...

See, she had blocked me on all social media, as well as my phone number, but I had a female friend who followed her when we started dating, and she was telling me what she was posting. Bikini photos, workout videos in tight gym clothes - not exactly what a recent r**e victim would be posting. Then she posted a picture with a guy, I asked if he was tagged. Turns out, it was the guy she told me she would "handle".

Depression turned to rage. I wrote a very long and detailed letter to her parents about the sh** their daughter's been doing that they didn't know about (beyond what she did to me) and planned to mail it to them. I also meticulously planned how I might make a surprise appearance and ruin the guy's day, in such detail to avoid leaving any trace I was there. I ended up doing neither of those things.

One night in March several years ago, at like 3 AM, she texts me from a new number, confessing the truth. She was probably expecting me to be asleep at that hour. Instead, I told her my friend had been a follower of hers the whole time and had told me everything. I cursed her out, blocked her number, and never thought of her again.

From this experience, I lost my ability to fully trust most people. I'll trust close friends and lovers to some extent, but no longer fully, with everything. I think this made me much better with women, in certain ways, because I was no longer looking at them through rose-tinted lenses, and experienced firsthand the kind of mental manipulation they're capable of.

What you experienced wasn't a dramatic event or trauma...you just wimped out on shooting your shot with 1 girl...

Your story is certainly a story that could change a guy (in my opinion, you should have mailed the letter)

Here's the thing though: Various scenarios are capable of changing a guy.

My story of being too afraid to shoot my shot with blondie isn't the same as the bad relationship story you shared (and I never said my story of being too afraid to shoot my shot with blondie was traumatic). But I stand by my claim that I'd likely be a much different man had I dated blondie in high school.

From the time I lost my v-card at 20, all the way up until now, my dates/free sex have followed the same general pattern:

-They quickly lose interest in me upon getting to know me.

Or

-The ones who are on board with remaining together turn out to be so unbearable to be around I end up needing to break it off.

Blondie was unique in the sense that she already knew me, yet was still seemingly into me (shockingly). And I already knew her well enough to know she was enjoyable to be around.

By the way, I quoted multiple posts. That ought to make you happy.

Yes, a single event can significantly alter a guy’s dating trajectory. But this sounds more like a missed opportunity in a social circle, specifically a school one. Those are quite common.

Don’t worry. 10 or 20+ years later, a friend (male or female) from that social circle will finally tell you “Dude, you should have gone for XYZ chick back in the day. She was so into you back then. Everybody knew she had the biggest crush on you.”

They will never give you timely, actionable intel (for reasons beyond the scope of my post). Instead, they wait many years until it’s “declassified” lol.

That’s why it’s so important for men to make mistakes early and learn to read IOIs themselves
as soon as possible.

In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have shot my shot with so many girls before her. If I hadn't been rejected so many times before (thus causing me to question my IOI-reading ability), I likely wouldn't have been so reluctant to act on blondie's IOIs.

We learn from failure, I get that. But there's a fine line. I had made too many errors.

 

[Barrister]

I think there are certainly circumstances where something could have a major impact on a man and how he views women.

That said, the story you are sharing doesn't qualify. Every man has women in their past they wish they had "taken a shot at" but didn't. There is nothing special about that. It is human nature to lament missed opportunity, whether in dating or otherwise, and wonder "what if." The best thing you can do is make a change so that you don't miss the next opportunity. Not continue to get bogged down in missing the last.

 

[GoodMan32]

One single event cant do much unless it's something either very deep and with long term conseguences.

What may happen is getting continuous evens that shape your reality or confirm your vision like for example getting rejected regularly as you say or for a kid being told from teachers and parents that he is dumb.

You make a superb analogy about parents/teachers regularly calling a kid dumb.

I knew a guy growing up who was regularly told how dumb he supposedly was (and what a bad kid he supposedly was). He ended up turning to substance abuse in high school (and died from substance abuse before he even had a chance to graduate high school).

The armchair psychologist in me says his fate was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Same thing with getting rejected a lot (and being told no girl would ever want me). That ended up largely becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Hell, being repeatedly told no girl would ever want me was a large part of why I never asked out the girl this thread is about, despite her IOIs.

Of course, any sort of trauma is enough to knock you off course and change the trajectory of your dating life.

I'm not even talking about an extreme example like paralysis from a car accident - but let's say you suffer a deeply embarrassing and humiliating rejection - that can be enough to destroy your confidence nd make you awkward/hesitant around women. Something like that happened to me as a kid - I liked some girl and I got outed; she found out and went "EWWWW" in front of the whole class and everyone laughed. LOL it sucked and for the longest time I told myself will never happen again and became kind of silent/stone cold around women through teenage years. Refused to be the first to show "Feelings" but I eventually got over it.

This doesn't pertain to dating, but listen to some of the complaints older people have. If they say they weren't able to reach their potential a lot of times it's because of some (in the big scheme of things) minor incident that happened a million years ago they never let go of. They made their lifes story and stayed in the same place.

Your example of the humiliating rejection is the type of thing I went through more than once growing up (which, like you, made me turn stone cold about confessing my feelings to girls)

I guess what it all boils down to is: Rejection galore made me the way I am. I then had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to snap out of it when I was 16 (but I refused to pursue the opportunity...and am still paying the price 17 years later)

That really puts it into perspective. The number of years it's been since that story exceeds the number of years I had even been alive at the time of the story, yet it's still impacting me.

 

[GoodMan32]

I think there are certainly circumstances where something could have a major impact on a man and how he views women.

That said, the story you are sharing doesn't qualify. Every man has women in their past they wish they had "taken a shot at" but didn't. There is nothing special about that. It is human nature to lament missed opportunity, whether in dating or otherwise, and wonder "what if." The best thing you can do is make a change so that you don't miss the next opportunity. Not continue to get bogged down in missing the last.

Every man has missed opportunities in their past, I get that.

But not every man has the same reason of why they squandered the opportunity.

There are very few men who squandered an opportunity specifically because he had been repeatedly told no girl would ever want him.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

I think getting ditched by the woman you love is one of the most traumatising experiences (it was probably one of the most traumatising experiences for me) - guys that only ditched themselves do not know the pain.

 

[SW15]

What makes you say my example doesn't qualify?

Isn't it a valid hypothesis that I might have ended up more confident with the ladies had I dated blondie in high school? And as a result of my confidence, I wouldn't have grown up to be so timid about shooting my shot?

There's no telling how many opportunities I've missed in college/post-college because I was afraid to shoot my shot.

Your example doesn't qualify based on numerous reasons.

1. It is unknown if she actually would have gone out on a date with you. Even if she had gone out on a date with you, the whole interaction might have been 1-2 sexless dates and no LTR. You also likely overrated her signals. It's common for even neurotypical men to overrate most women's signals.

2. You have had sex with 9 different women from the conventional mating market since this happened. You were never able to build momentum off of those 9 different women. I don't think this would have been any different under the highly unlikely, best case scenario.

3. You are on the autism spectrum and that makes it difficult to be successful with attracting, seducing, and retaining women.

Every man has women in their past they wish they had "taken a shot at" but didn't. There is nothing special about that. It is human nature to lament missed opportunity, whether in dating or otherwise, and wonder "what if." The best thing you can do is make a change so that you don't miss the next opportunity. Not continue to get bogged down in missing the last.

What you experienced wasn't a dramatic event or trauma...you just wimped out on shooting your shot with 1 girl...

It is true that all men will have some woman in their lives that they wish they had pursued. This is even true if they didn't get any IOIs from a woman. In high school, there were girls on the cheer/dance team that I wish I had pursued. Some of these females didn't even show me the slightest IOI. In high school, a cheer/dance team consists of the highest social standing and some of the best looking females in the school. It's a good idea to take your shot with as many of them as possible.

Many men do look back at times and lament the missed opportunity. It's best not to dwell on it. I haven't dwelled on any cheer/dance girls that I didn't ask out back in high school. I have occasionally checked the social media profiles of a few of the cheer girls and have seen instances of declining looks.

The solution to this issue can be boiled down to a quote from Rollo Tomassi.

"Money, muscles, and game"

Muscles are the best solution to opportunities with women, especially under age 35-40. Looks are the #1 factor in seduction. Building a great physique will create opportunities. Women might show more IOIs pre-approach, women might swipe right more often, and women might also accept more date offers due to a good physique. Focus on building muscle. @BPH has been successful with women because of his physique (and to a lesser extent, personality).

Game refers to elements of personality. It is your charisma, risk taking in making the approach, etc. There are always opportunities to improve.

Money isn't something I need to explain.

If a man does well on money, muscles, and game, he will miss few opportunities and he will have more opportunities.

Money, muscles, and game.